Morning Reflection #558: The Universe Says Hi

Wednesday was a horrible day. The events on the national stage played a part, but there were also things closer to home that all seemed to correlate into one giant moment of ‘suck’.

When I went to sleep on Wednesday night I was questioning just about every aspect of my life, and trying to make sense of the changes that I feel are coming.

And it didn’t look good.

I’m on the borderlands of some pretty significant decisions, ones that have the power to shift the rest of my life in ways that seemed unthinkable just a few years ago. I find myself contemplating what once seemed unimaginable, and realizing that I may well be making choices that won’t make much sense to most people.

Such is the nature of life sometimes I guess.

So when I awoke on Thursday morning, it wasn’t with a happy heart. I rolled over to turn off my alarm, and saw an email from someone who I had never heard from before.

A very kind person who has found some enjoyment and introspection from this work took time out of their day to email me a really wonderful note, just thanking me, and offering me some encouragement.

And it nearly moved me to tears.

Because despite what it may seem like from my writing, I don’t feel like I have everything worked out. Most days it’s quite the opposite. I have made decisions in my life that I would give anything to change, and like most people, I struggle to find my place in the world.

I have times when I feel I can make a difference, and other times where I wonder if I can do anything right.

And some days where I don’t feel like I should do much of anything at all.

A little later in the day, a good friend reached out on Facebook to ask me if I would consider trying to help a friend of theirs. It seems like this person has tried so many avenues to find answers to their problems, and yet has come up empty time after time.

Out of their compassion and kindness, my friend felt like I might be able to help where no one else seems to have made a difference.

And she expressed to me some kind words about what she thought I could do.

Then later in the day I met with an old friend who is going through some difficult times. In the conversation that followed many tears were shed, and hopefully some progress was made. As she left, she told me that she truly felt like many years ago, when she first met me, that my words had ‘saved her life’, and she thanked me for being there for her.

And it was nice to feel like I had made a difference.

I don’t tell you any of this to brag, or to make you think that I am putting myself on a pedestal. I merely tell you because I honestly feel like today was one of those times where the universe actually noticed me, and was there for me with some encouragement when I was honestly questioning if the choice to move forward is the right one.

Three times some good I might have done in the world came back to me in a moment of worry, to give me some hope that there is something I can do to make a difference, and that there is some hope that I can be the person I want to be.

I think sometimes when we are walking through life, and the path ahead seems poorly lit, and we question just about every choice that we have made, that there are rare moments of light that come shining through, quietly and briefly.

You might only see the pathway for a moment, or maybe you just see that next step in front of you, but I do believe that sometimes, every once in a while, the Universe reaches out to say hello, and just remind you that you have value, and that things might work out ok.

And for that today, I am very thankful.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #557: When the Past Won’t Seem to Let You Go

In one way or another, we’re all a survivor of what has already happened to us. It might have been something terrible, or it might have been something wonderful, but each of us has a past, and in one way or another, we bear the secrets and the scars.

No matter what has happened in the days that have gone before, each of us carries that knowledge with us.

And sometimes, it carries us right on back to where we were.

In this time of the year, it’s very human to start making plans and changes for the new year ahead. Whether it’s to consume less, or save more; be kinder, or fight back, we’re all a product of our past until we’ve done the work to let it go.

Even then, there are still some patterns hardwired into our nervous systems that seem determined to thwart our best intentions, and hold us back from moving forward.

Sometimes the past is a refuge, and sometimes it’s an anchor.

But the truth is, a lot of the time, the past is nothing more than a set of stories that we told ourselves, and that we cling to in order to make sense of the universe and our place in it. Like all stories, there’s an event, a storyteller, and a meaning.

Sometimes even the event isn’t exactly how it happened, just our recollection of the essential details that we need to try and find some order in that which does not, and maybe never will, make sense.

Which is where the storyteller comes in.

Because unless you are aware of it, the storyteller is that voice inside of you that has absorbed all the traumas, and listened to all the lies.

The storyteller’s goal is to create some kind of meaning from what happened, so that you can use it to understand the universe going forwards, but it does so through the lens of your fears and your misunderstandings.

Which means the interpretations that it tells you are often those that will hurt and hold you back.

So in order to break through, and move forwards, you’re going to have to find a way to understand those stories, and tease out the truth from within them. Maybe the meanings that you’ve taken from your past served you then, but are not helpful going forwards on your pathway to peace.

Perhaps you need to understand the past in a different way now, and to do that, you’re going to have to let go of your stories.

Because the stories you’ve created around the past were made up to support the way you see the universe, and letting go of them is never easy. No one wants to have their view of the universe changed, because it’s unsettling and painful.

It leaves you wondering about everything, until you are ready to take the path of uncertainty and possibility over certainty and fear.

And mark my words…. unless you are ready for it, uncertainty is scary.

Until it isn’t. Because there’s an incredible sense of freedom and potential in uncertainty. Suddenly, that which you knew was impossible might not be, and that which you feared would never come to pass just might show up along your way.

Once you release the grip of the past, the future becomes a land of possibility.

And it will draw you forwards, into the future, and into peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #556: The Resolution of Try

So I’m about to commit mass heresy with this post, and disagree with someone who’s wisdom and kindness has never before been brought into question.

Although he was apparently 900 years old, and had seen more of the galaxy than I probably ever will, I am here to state unequivocally that in this one thing, this one little truth, Master Yoda was in fact… full of crap.

There is such a thing as ‘try’.

People in the motivation business, or in the ‘human’ business, or just in business have used and abused Yoda’s statement of “do… or do not… there is no try” since it was originally spoken back in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’.

I’ve had it quoted to me so many times that it’s tested my ability to remain calm and peaceful. Because when you get right down to it, trying is the most human thing we do.

Trying is what allows us to fail until we succeed.

If you know anything about the history of the humble Post-it note, you’ll know that the scientist who created the adhesive that is used in the Post-it note was actually trying to create a super strong adhesive that would be applied once and stay there for a really long time.

Instead, the scientist produced in adhesive that is a not very strong but can be applied many, many times.

Trying, with the ability to fail, led to something different that was incredibly successful.

As we collectively come out of a year that will probably live in infamy, many of us around the start of the year create resolutions, or decisions to “try” and achieve something.

Often it’s weight loss, or the cessation of a habit, or maybe it’s to create a new habit of something healthy, or fun, or personally developing. Most people will have broken their resolution within the first three weeks, and will often harbor feelings of self resentment and frustration at their supposed inability to maintain or refrain from a certain behavior.

I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to try, and fail.

Because some things just aren’t going to work for you. I once had the dream of playing the cello, and I rented a cello and spent two months realizing that my desire to play the cello was nowhere near strong enough to get me through the workload of actually learning it.

It didn’t change anything about me, it didn’t make a difference to my value as a person. I learned something about myself, I was able to pursue a course of action and then let it go.

If I had followed Master Yoda’s teaching to its usually abused concept, I would’ve wasted many, many hours of my life “learning the cello” when it turns out I didn’t want it that badly.

So whatever resolutions you may or may not have, this is me giving you permission (not that you need it) to try and fail. Have fun with it, find out new things about yourself, and rejoice in your ability to think, to try, to fail, to rise up, to overcome, or just to realize that it wasn’t that important.

Several years ago I had a coaching call with a lady who told me that she wanted to lose weight. Within about an hour we had worked out that she actually didn’t want to lose weight, it was just a remnant of some emotional patterns that her mom had instilled within her.

She didn’t need to lose weight, she didn’t want to lose weight, but she needed to make peace inside of herself with the little girl who still believed that her mom was right.

So maybe try making peace with the past this year, so that you can go into your future trying new things, unencumbered by the dogma and distress of teachings of the past. Find what works for you, and embrace that.

There’s nothing more joyful than an authentic you.

And to find that, you’re probably going to have to try a few things.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #555: A Distant Light on the Shortest Day

The sky was dark and foreboding as we drove eastwards. Although the roads we travelled were well known to us, it seemed to be a little more alien this morning. I could just see the first glimpse of a possible sunrise beginning to touch the sky, but the overall sense of darkness seemed more complete, more intrusive.

And yet out of the darkness, a distant light appeared.

It took me a while to understand what I was seeing, because it was in the middle of what looked like nowhere. Yet as I stared out into the darkness, I realized I was looking at a farm out in the midst of a few fields.

It seems that the family who owned the land had decided to string Christmas lights in a rather random formation around a tree that stood adjacent to the house.

For some reason, the light coming from the tree spoke to me.

As someone who really doesn’t like the darker months, the shortest day of the year for me is kind of a bittersweet moment.

I know that thankfully there will be more light every day now rising into the summer months, yet it also brings with it the knowledge that my two least favorite months of January and February are right around the corner.

Yet somehow, this one lit tree standing in the middle of the darkness seemed to protest, and reassure me that the light was still there, and that more would be coming.

After a busy day in practice, we climbed into our car, and headed home. Our evening commute is almost due west, and here in the Pacific Northwest that means you’re headed into the sunset.

On an evening with not a cloud in the sky, there was a wonderful gradient from the blue of night into the remnant orange of the evening.

And a strangely haunting silhouette of all that we could see.

For a few minutes, everything felt very quiet. There seemed to be an almost unearthly aspect to the calm in which we drove. I felt like we were chasing the last few moments of the light as we prepared to transition into the longest night.

Somehow it felt lonely, and as the light finally succumbed to the darkness, it seemed as though something sacred had passed into the next journey of its existence.

A transition that we had somehow become a part of, as we watched the darkness fall.

Yet as we crested over a hill, and were able to see out over a valley, there before us was the sight of hundreds of homes spread out across our view. The lights strung on the houses seemed to be a chorus of voices against the night, all joining their song together in a benevolent benediction.

Although the darkness that morning had seemed so complete, each voice in this soliloquy of illumination held back the darkness, and promised that the night would never be forever.

And something about that filled me with a timeless sense of joy.

I thought back to the traditions of so long ago, of the Yule log, and of candles, and of celebrating the light and the hope of its return.

For a moment I felt connected to all those across the millennia who have desired the return of the light, and of the banishing of the darkness, and I felt connected to their hope of a brighter tomorrow.

For in the midst of darkness, it is hope that lights our way forward.

Allowing us to see, and trust, and believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #554: It’s Always Messy on the Journey

“I don’t even know who I am anymore... It’s like I know I want to change, but I have no idea how to make that happen, or who I want to become... I just want to see the path before me, so I can know how far I have to go... I just feel lost – I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going’.

I could hear the sound of desperation in her voice. In a phase of life she would probably describe as ‘middle aged’, she was hurting, and she didn’t know why. A lifetime of trying to ‘be’ something so that she was worthy of love and admiration had left her feeling drained, and without a wellspring of comfort in her soul.

It’s almost as though there was no ‘her’ there to reference.

Just an accumulation of ‘shoulds’ and ‘needs’ that had overwhelmed any sense of joy and authenticity. Life had become a never ending repetition of days of sadness, followed by nights of fears.

Any meaning she took from her daily travails was never uplifting, and there was a weariness in her soul that went just about as far as anything could.

And now, part way through her journey, she had ‘lost sight of the shore in either direction’.

Because there’s this terrifying part in any deep and abiding soul journey that leaves you without a sense of where you were, and no idea of where you are going.

You know you can’t go back, because that way lies the twins burdens of sadness and despair, but you can’t see the ground in front of you promising at last a safe place to lay your head.

And it feels like all you do is flounder from day to week, month to year.

At times like this, it’s very easy to become discouraged, and step away from your journey for a while. Maybe it’s settling in a relationship that you know is wrong, or staying in a pattern of behavior that you know isn’t serving you anymore.

It becomes a battle between the weariness in your soul, and the desperate dreams that you still nurture in your desire.

But in reality, it’s honestly a part of the very messy, but very necessary process of change.

So when my friend looked to me for answers to her questions, a sense of peace for her soul, I had no great wisdom to ease her struggle, only the promise of my support, and any guidance I could offer her.

I reassured her that although the future looked foreboding right now, that she was actually doing the right things, and that her growth would inevitably come.

And somehow, just the offer of my presence and my caring seemed to be enough.

So many times I wish I could snap my fingers, and heal those who have reached out for help, but healing, be it physical, emotional or spiritual, takes time.

As individual as each of us are, so is our journey, and at some point we are all in that wilderness of the unanswered questions, when we have to trust in the journey, pick ourselves up, and struggle forwards.

Our eyes may be full of purpose or tears, our feet powerful or weary, our souls resolute or regretful. In those moments, you don’t find out what you’re ‘made of’, but instead take unto yourself the choice and the power of making yourself what you want to be.

A journey that lasts a long time, but that is essential to our souls.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #553: Warm

As a little kid, I used to love to go to sleep with a fan heater running in my bedroom. Part of it was the noise, because I love ‘white-noise’, but part of it was the feeling of being really warm.

It used to drive my Dad nuts when he would come into my bedroom and see how warm it was. He would often complain that it was like a sauna, to say nothing about his constant grumbling about the electricity bill.

But for me, warmth was comfort, and almost a sense of security.

And I've been focusing a lot more recently on things that bring me comfort. As we continue to struggle through this pandemic, with all the restrictions and risks involved in that, I find myself becoming more ‘closed-off’ from people, less inclined to reach out, more willing to allow myself to slip into ‘hermit mode’, where I could easily stay in my own little world and not talk to anyone (other than patients of course. )

Because the less comfortable I find my life, the less I am likely to venture out into it.

And let’s face it – this virus has made us all less comfortable around each other. I had to ask the wife of a new patient to sit in her car rather than the waiting room the other day because she had a slightly elevated fever.

I have had patients reschedule for symptoms that previously I would have ignored. Strangely, the world we live in has become less welcoming and more encroaching.

Which shows up in the way that we feel at peace in our day to day world.

So I’ve been trying to do the things that I know will give me a sense of comfort and safety day to day, so that I can find peace in my own little world right now. Starting with staying warm, and meditating under my weighted blanket.

Also paring down my diet to the things that I know are good for me, and trying to take more of a sense of meaning and purpose in my simple routines like stir-frying broccoli, or doing the laundry.

I've found that focusing more deeply on the ‘mundane’ helps me to see just how much of my life is still the same, and unaffected by the world outside.

And while I miss the personal interactions that used to give so much light and meaning to my day, I’m instead trying to find ways to bring a little increased comfort to anything and everything I do.

Making the decision to wear a jacket when I would have just dealt with the cold is a way I can conserve my emotional energy, and taking the scenic route on a drive rather than the fastest route reminds me that I can still find beauty in the world, even though it feel cold and bleak sometimes.

Even sometimes sitting quietly, and doing nothing.

Which is actually harder than it sounds, at least for me. Over the last 13+ years of running my own business I’ve become so used to doing 2 things that once that it seems strange now to sit and watch a show without simultaneously ironing, or reviewing x-rays, or fixing something.

I listen to podcasts while doing yard work, or working on cars, or re-modeling the bathroom, or driving to work.

So for me, stopping doing ‘anything’ is hard.

But I think especially now, with all that is going on in the world, taking the time to focus on feeling secure, and calm, and warm is the most important thing we can do. It’s easy to lose our sense of self and balance in the midst of the madness.

And in the end, it’s your sense of self that will see you through.

I'm curious... what are you doing for yourself this season?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #552: The Failure of My Good Advice

Several years ago I began coaching a woman who had been dealt a pretty tough hand of cards. As we worked through her struggles, we developed a mantra for her to try and live by, which was designed to snap her out of her stories and to keep her grounded in the present.

Based on some time-trusted principles, we crafted a simple yet perfect arrangement for her to focus on whenever she felt overwhelmed or embattled by all that life was throwing at her.

“I am, I am here, I am now”.

Although it’s only eight words, the power contained in that little phrase was incalculable. Beginning with the statement of ‘I am’, it positioned her to understand that she has intrinsic value just by being alive, and that she doesn’t have to be or do something in order to have value.

As someone who struggled to feel that she was enough, that was a sobering and yet powerful reminder.

One that most of us seem to need.

With ‘I am here’, we reminded her that in order to stay focused, she could remind herself of what she actually faced in her present environment. Not at any other place, but right where she was.

As someone who tended to interpret her present through situations that she was not currently experiencing, this was a reminder to ground herself in what was actually around her, so that she might focus on dealing with what was in front of her.

So that she could find herself powerfully present and aware.

With ‘I am now’ the goal was to anchor her in herself, rather than in the stories that she told herself from the past, or the fears and apprehensions she experienced when thinking about the future.

Understanding that she was ‘now’ would encourage her to experience her current moment without reference to anything other than what was actually happening, so that she might only have to live ‘this moment’ in reference to itself.

Which is hard to understand, and even harder to practice.

Yet in teaching her all these things, I realize now that the advice I gave her was incomplete. None of it was bad advice, yet I should have given one more step.

Because sometimes, no matter how much you try to stay focused and present in the now…. Now can really suck sometimes.

My error was not teaching her that sometimes, when ‘now’ feels like something you need to take a break from, it’s ok to imagine yourself somewhere and somewhen other than where you are.

Imagination can be a powerful bridge to a future where things are more enjoyable than they are today.

Earlier this evening, my sweet wife walked into my home office, and gently placed her forehead on the wall and released a sigh of exhaustion. Turning to me, she simply said “I am weary’, and I knew what she meant.

The pressure of trying to run a small business in the middle of a pandemic is tiring, especially when it’s business that you can’t really do from home.

So instead of focusing on the present, sometimes it’s necessary to draw our emotional strength from the future, in our belief that there will be better days ahead, and that once again the sun will shine, even though right now there seems to be so much darkness and confusion in the present.

When I find myself getting locked into an emotional focus that seems to suggest that there is no happiness in the world right now, I try to focus on what may be in the future, and draw my sense of happiness and joy from there.

Because that’s what hope really is – the belief that there is good to come.

And in that, I do believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #551: A Patchwork of Human Problems.

“I just feel like I’m such a mess” she said. “All of you seem like you are so smart, and have your lives together. I just feel like I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up”.

She was referring to a group that we are a part of, and while I can understand how she feels , the truth is that knowing a few of those people, the last way we would describe ourselves as would be ‘having our lives together’.

Life is messy, and real life even more so.

The idea that I have my life together is so far from the truth that it makes me shake my head. There are many things in my life that I am working to change, and some of them are going better than others. For example, right now, my garage is a disaster.

Our primary car is still not going to pass emissions even though we just spent over $1500 on it, and while the bathroom we have been remodeling is essentially functional, there are still things that need to be done before I am happy with it.

Very little of that feels ‘together’.

And yet, in a very human way, it really is. The longer I coach, the more people I talk too, I’m becoming convinced that the greatest lie we have to lay down is the expectation of things actually working out right.

I once heard a great man say that the only people who didn’t have problems were dead people, and that problems were a sign of life.

Just in the same way that failure is a sign of success.

What my friend above was really feeling was insecurity, along with a desire for certainty and in some way a sense of connection.

If you know my work, you’ll see that what I listed there are in one form or another 3 of our 6 basic human needs, although to use the word basic is like describing the electrons, neutrons and protons of our cells as basic.

Just as every atom is a combination of a few simple things, every human being I’ve ever met is really just an expression of those 6 human needs. Sure, they might be twisted in some very different combinations, but the essence of being human is to express those needs in the fabric of your life, and in the deliberations of your soul.

And once you understand how those needs mesh and merge, everyone becomes so transparent.

Because that's all we really are in our core, an expression of a few thoughts and ideas. Yes, they might come out differently in one person as opposed to another, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you and I were to sit down for a little while and talk, I can find in you the same needs as in me.

You might express them more eloquently in your persona, but in your core, you’re probably a lot like me, and I’m a lot like you.

Which is why coming to know yourself through self awareness is the greatest way to understand others.

Once you’ve dived deep enough into your core, you’ll find that other people begin to resonate. You’ll see their actions in your actions, your words and thoughts in theirs.

Then you’ll reach that heart stopping moment where you realize that they are just like you, and you are just like them. When you come to that moment, you’ll see them for the very first time, and wonder at them, and also at you.

Because although we are all patchworks of the same problems, we are also all works of art from the same brushes, the same materials, the same needs and loves.

And once you understand how very connected we all are, you can start forgiving and loving them in the way that you need to forgive and love yourself.

Because the beauty of any patchwork is how a new piece can always be blended in, to make the whole even more than it was before.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #550: Maybe/Maybe Not

There’s a classic old Zen story of a farmer who has a son, and a cow. One day the cow breaks its leg, and all the Farmer’s neighbors come around to offer sympathy, saying how unfortunate it is that the cow broke it’s leg, to which the Farmer replied ‘maybe, maybe not’.

Shortly thereafter, the Emperor’s troops come around looking for cattle, and seeing that the cow has a broken leg, they leave it with the Farmer.

His neighbors all congratulate him on his luck of not having his cow taken, to which he replies… ‘maybe/maybe not’.

A short time after, the cow stumbles into his son, breaking his son’s leg, and the farmer has to take on his son’s duties. The neighbors, unable to comprehend the misfortune of the farmer come around to share their sympathies, and tell him how unlucky he is, to which he simply replies ‘maybe/maybe not’.

Marveling at his attitude, his neighbors walk away, shaking their heads in amazement.

Until the Emperor’s troops come looking for conscripts.

Seeing that the Farmer’s son has a broken leg, they realize that he will not be able to keep up the pace on their march, so they leave him with his Father. Once again, the Farmer’s neighbors come to share in their amazement at how lucky the Farmer is to not lose his son.

Again, despite the protestations of his neighbors that he was very lucky, the farmer continued with his attitude of ‘maybe/maybe not’.

Because he had no way of knowing what the future would bring.

Many of us seem determined to try to predict the future in the way that we observe and draw meaning from the events of the present.

I have been struggling with this a lot while writing this because our faithful SUV is currently sitting in our mechanic's garage, as he struggles to find the cause of the check engine light that refuses to go out, despite all the money and effort I have put into it.

With every question that he texts me, I have to remember the attitude of ‘maybe/maybe not’.

It’s so easy to get dragged into a thought process of worry, concerned about how much it will cost, and if it is even with repairing anymore. While the idea of a new car is exciting, it is also stressful, as finding the right vehicle leads to purchasing, leads to expenses and possible future problems. I find myself being drawn into a thought spiral that does not excite me.

Yet for all I know this could be a cheap repair, or it could lead to a wonderful purchase of a car that is perfect for us. I have no way of knowing, but I have many ways of worrying. 

Whenever I find myself struggling with the attitude of maybe/maybe not, I try to remember that it is really an opportunity to examine the emotions that are pulling my thoughts in a different direction.

As usual, given my upbringing, there are thoughts of scarcity and doubt, the fear of making a mistake and of regretting a choice in the future.

Yet in truth, I have no way of knowing how this all works out.

My worries and my fears are clouding my judgment, making me afraid of what could be, rather than excited about what might possibly be.

The attitude of maybe/maybe not is not a refuge from the storm, but rather reward for the courage it takes to trust not necessarily in the future, but in your own ability to be okay with whatever the future will bring.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #549: A Sense of Who You Are

A Sense of Who You Are

If you’ve ever met someone like this, you might not have known what it was, but you knew something was different.

Maybe it was the way that they stayed on purpose when everyone else was swayed to and fro by the opinion of others, or maybe it was that look in their eye that told you they knew where they were going, what they were doing, and most importantly, why they were doing it.

They probably stood out, because they are unlike most people in the crowd.

That’s not to say they are the easiest person to be around. The person with a stronger sense of themselves is often someone who doesn’t need the good opinion of others, so they stand out because they are willing to share their opinions openly.

That’s not to say they are unkind, but they can seem outspoken, creating the envy and jealousy of those who wish they could be so bold, when in fact they are being nothing of the sort – they are just being themselves.

But that kind of authenticity can be difficult, if you are the kind of person who doesn’t have a strong enough sense of self.

Which isn’t to say that it’s your fault, because most likely it isn’t. So many of us were taught as children that we needed to stay ‘within the pack, not stand out, don’t be different’.

Although we might have wanted to shine, we were taught to ‘not get ideas’ and to ‘be respectful’, never asking the difficult questions. Worst of all, we were taught that to believe we were special was to put ourselves above others, not realizing that everyone is special, and that different does not mean less or more, it’s just different.

And that your value is incredible, just like everyone else’s.

Yet we live in a world where we are taught that we are never going to be enough. From the cars we drive to the places we live, from the clothes we wear to the money we make; our society is determined to make us feel less in one way or another, and to take from you that powerful spark of being your own person, knowing your own worth, and have a stronger sense of yourself.

Because once you know who you are, the rest of the world ceases to have such control over you.

Of course that doesn’t mean that you don’t follow the rules, but it means you are no longer afraid of the opinions of others. As you become more secure in who you are, you find that you need less, and can do more.

Obstacles which seemed impervious now are just questions to be solved. Suddenly your vision shifts from that is in front of you to that which is before you, knowing where you want to go, and feeling in your soul that it is where you are going to be.

And that kind of determination can be difficult for those who do not share your strength, nor your vision.

Which is ok, because the stronger you become in yourself, the less their opinions will affect you, and the less they can hurt you.

When someone can no longer influence you, you can be at peace in their presence, no matter what they feel about you. You can extend to them mercy and understanding, even though they may never understand why you do.

Because true inner strength brings peace, and peace is the absence of fear.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #548: The Not so Good, Pretty Bad Day

The Not so Good, Pretty Bad Day.

Do you ever have one of the those times where it just seems like nothing is going right? I’ve been fighting with multiple problems over the last while, and it just seems like I can’t make headway on any of them.

From a bathroom remodel to a kitchen drain that blocks, from a check engine light to a computer that locks. These are all usually things that I can handle, but right now, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to solve the problems.

And honestly, it’s starting to wear me down.

We had another time like this 4 years ago, when both of our vehicles were broken, and I was working 60-70 hour weeks running a large Chiropractic practice mostly by myself. Then, as like now, it just felt like nothing I did was enough, and every tried solution just came up short. Time rolled by, and everything seemed to be piling up on top of us.

But there is a significant difference this time around.

Because even though I am more tired, what with running my own business and trying to function during a pandemic, I’m not falling into the same emotional traps like I was back then.

If you had talked to me during the late summer and fall of 2016, I would have told you that it was all my fault, and you would have seen me constantly beating myself up emotionally for all my weaknesses and failings.

Which was actually prolonging the issues, as it took from me the vital emotional energy that I needed to stay upbeat and focused.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have those thoughts running through my head right now… because they are still there. The difference is that I’m aware of them, and I have answers for them.

So even though I can’t seem to get Facebook to run ads for my writing, or even though my beloved Buick won’t keep me warm while I’m driving it, I’m working on keeping my head in the right place…

Which is out of my negative emotions, and away from the critical thoughts.

Oh sure, I still get to hear my brain tell me that I’m useless because I can’t fix the check engine light, but I know that’s just the remnant reactions of a traumatic childhood that was full of opportunities to feel 'less'.

Yes, every little drop coming from under the sink in the bathroom remodel could be mocking my pitiful plumbing skills, but I keep telling them that I’m learning and growing with every attempt at fixing these leaks.

Because I've learned to stop judging myself as imperfect, and instead focusing on the problem, not the ‘so-called’ meanings that I’ve taken from them all my life.

Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not a panacea. I still have my moments, but they are fewer in number, and further apart. The less I care about the opinions of others, or of my damaged and critical self, the more I can focus on becoming who I want to be. I still have a long way to go in my becoming, and there are many things I still have yet to learn.

But learning to give myself grace has been the greatest lesson of all.

As you can probably understand, that is not an easy lesson to learn, and there have been many conversations, and just as many commiserations.

But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that the work of becoming who you want to be is the most valuable, and the most rewarding endeavor upon which you will ever embark.

You'll never be the same again, and you'll come out of the other side of that journey knowing who you are, and more importantly, liking the person you are becoming.

I wish that for you, today, and forever.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #547: Dysauthentesia

Dysauthentesia

‘The discomfort in your soul when you are acting in opposition to who you really are’

I know – it’s not a word you recognize… but I’m pretty sure that when you read the definition, something in you resonated. Maybe it was that time you let someone’s opinion over-rule yours, even though you knew yours was right.

Or maybe it was the time you didn’t call someone on something that you knew was untrue, knowing that to do so would start a fight you weren’t able to face at that time.

Or maybe it was the day you made a choice that you didn’t want to, letting their feelings be more important than your own.

Every word starts its life as a moment of inspiration, and this one is no different. I’ve been trying for the longest time to find one word to describe what I see as the biggest problem I help people with when coaching.

Because despite there being many situations, and even more variations, most of them come down to the same few problems, the same deep and abiding issues.

But I hadn’t comes across a word that summed this one up, until I made the word up myself.

Because I‘ve seen time and time again that when we act in a way that is inauthentic, we’re sacrificing a little piece of our soul. Sometimes there is a good reason, and it’s ok to take the hit, but most of the time the only reason we’re doing it is because where we are, and who we are with, is not a place where we can be completely who we are.

And so we start to lie to others, but most of all to ourselves.

Because it’s demeaning to our own sense of value to be someone other than who we really are. It’s like we’re saying that who we are is not good enough, or not strong enough, to be allowed to be seen in this situation, or in this way.

The longer you tell yourself that you are not valuable enough to be authentic, you’ll start to believe that lie, until it becomes a part of you.

And then Dysauthentesia kicks in.

It manifests in many different ways. It can create depression and anxiety, or sadness and melancholy. For many, it’s that subconscious nagging sensation that things are not right, and that you are silently crying on the inside, desperate to be real to who you are and what you know.

Eventually left long enough, Dysauthentesia will rob you of your happiness and your sense of self.

The days will seem long, and filled with shadow.

The truly scary thing about this condition is that sometimes we believe that we are acting in complete authenticity, not realizing that the programming of our childhood or our history has caused us to believe or accept things which on the surface seem so right, but deep inside are not in full congruency with our soul.

These are the actions and beliefs that silently rob us of our happiness; supposedly bringing joy while only delivering sadness.

And the only real cure, is to learn to be yourself.

Becoming ‘Authentically You’ isn’t easy, and it takes some time. Learning to recognize your reactions, your thoughts and your fears can be breathtaking, and also heartbreaking.

But once you find out who you are deep down in your soul, and make the decision to be who you are, peace will find you, and joy will surround you.

Because who you are is not only enough, but it’s wonderful.

Just be you, and the universe will follow.

(And yes I just Googled Dysauthentesia, and Google has no history of the word, so I literally just invented it and purchased the .com domain for it.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #546: We've Already Lost

We’ve already lost.

I’m writing this on November 3rd 2020. The time is around 12:30pm Mountain – so the election is in process.

Despite the polling, despite all the attempts to sway people’s opinions, despite all the arguments and anger that have polluted our national discourse for the past 20+ years, I am going to predict the outcome right now.

We’ve already lost.

And by we, I mean the people of the country that I adopted as my home. Not that one candidate or another has lost… I have a theory as to what is going to happen, but I honestly have no better idea than anyone else… but we as a nation have lost our sense of cohesion and togetherness that has defined us so greatly in our past; but sadly not at this moment, and not for the foreseeable future.

In short, we’ve lost our way.

As a nation we have divorced kindness in favor of vitriol, anger and hatred. I’m not going to assign blame, because there are players at the highest level, and there are everyday people we know.

Sometimes as a Doctor I have to diagnose the problem in the absence of cause, and in matters such as this, assigning blame is probably going to prolong the problem, because blame creates an enemy, and right now we need a lot less of those in our vision.

We need to be finding friends, and building communities.

Because although we are blessed with greater highways of communication than ever before, we have turned these into philosophical avenues of mirror, cul-de-sacs of a closed compassion where only the people on the same side of the road as us are worthy of the kindness and consideration that we should extend to all.

In one of my very favorite books that I read at least once a year is the chillingly prophetic line that I am afraid may be more true now than it ever has been before…

“Each revolution carries within it the seeds of its own destruction”.

The American Revolutionary War began in 1775, and like every revolution before it, there were winners and there were losers.

In less than one hundred years, the winners of that revolution had fractured and splintered into two, and fought another war, and now only 150 years later are conceptually on the precipice of another, philosophically if not physically (although that is possible too) .

Humanity, it seems, is still working through its ingrained nature of flaws.

So as we stare down the barrel of this potential nightmare, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the chasm of comparison, blaming whoever you perceive as your enemy for all of the problems that you see.

I’m not going to talk about who has the greater flaws, because there are enough on either side for those willing to see. I’m not even going to ask you today to vote, I’m hoping you have done that already.

Instead, I’m going to ask you to do something even more patriotic, and maybe even more American.

I’m going to ask you to care.

Because somewhere out there is going to be someone who is unhappy, and maybe even scared by the outcome of today’s contest of ideas and principles, failures and flaws. Given the levels of anger we’ve already seen, I’m guessing there’s someone that you know who could use a kind word, and possibly a friend to talk to.

Maybe all they need to is hear from someone who they consider as their enemy, so that they can realize that the world isn’t ending, and that life, and our communities, will go on.

And that peace is still possible, and very much preferable, to its alternative.

To quote the wonderful Samwise Gamgee, the beloved gardener in Lord of the Rings, “there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for”.

The way we fight for good in the middle of what feels like a war is not by resorting to weapons, but by resonating the way of peace in our actions and in our conversations.

Especially to those who esteem us as their enemy.

So today, and tomorrow, and the days to come after those, may we be found among the peacemakers, and my we find within ourselves the courage and the kindness to reach out and connect with someone who may be hurting.

And may we find our way back to peace together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 545: A Fault in the Foundation

A Fault in the Foundation.

If I were to ask you to define the core of your being, what would you tell me? Would I hear about your family, or your faith? Would you tell me tales of your experiences as a child, or of your heartbreaks as an adult?

Would you recognize your troubles, or would you gloss over all your faults? Would you have any clue about who you are at the very center of your soul?

If not, may I suggest that you need to start doing so now.

I’m not going to lie to you – it’s a difficult process. Coming to a deep self awareness is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do in our lives. To focus inwards and coming to know ourselves is a process that takes time, trials and tears.

It is never easy, but there is nothing more valuable of which I am aware. Truly knowing ourselves is the hardest thing we’ll ever do.

Because it forces us to confront all of our faults, and all of our fears.

Occasionally I’ll meet someone who suffers from what I have come to term as a ‘broken foundation’ – meaning that somewhere deep inside of their soul there is a problem that causes them to act in ways that are destructive to themselves and those around them.

What never fails to astound and sadden me is how completely unaware they usually are of the damage they are causing to others, and also to themselves.

Like children, they rant and they rave, throwing tantrums into the world in a desperate attempt to gain attention, and try to make themselves feel better. If it works, it’s only for a short while before yet again they find something that makes them angry, and off they go again.

And yet most of us, in some way, have an area of our Foundation that we don’t want to inspect too closely, and very often it’s around the concept of our worth.

I spoke today with an inspiring group of women who are all on journeys of their own, trying to work through the struggles in their minds that have caused them to make choices that have not brought them to where they would like to be.

Yet as we went below the surface of their concerns, I can tell you that a couple of them have no idea why they even want to ‘be’ where they think will make them happy.

They are just trying to find a way out of feeling what they feel right now, but what they think will make them happy won’t… it will just leave them more confused.

Because as I wrote recently, ‘you’ll never be able to make right what is wrong’, and the wounds these particular women carry are so subtle, and yet so damaging, that they are trying to find a pathway to a place where they will feel how they desperately want to feel, not realizing that when they arrive at that imagined destination, it will not heal the damage in their soul.

Because what they seek is only to be found inside of themselves.

Yet how can you heal when you don’t even realize you’ve been hurt? In my coaching work, I have helped people come to that deeper knowledge of themselves, and enabled them to find the truths inside of themselves that have set them free from that which has hurt them for so long.

In doing so they’ve been able to change the way they live, and it’s helped them find a sense of peace which helps them live authentically, and love more deeply.

And now I’d like to offer that to you, if you’re interested.

In about two weeks I’m going to try something different, and to be honest I’m a little nervous about it. I’m going to start a group coaching program, based around a lot of the concepts I’ve talked about in this work, and some frameworks that I’ve generated over the past few years.

I know it works one to one, but now I want to see if I can make it work in a way that helps more people in a shorter period of time.

If you’re interested in learning more about this, please use the message button below. There is no charge for being a part of the program, other than I would ask for your honest feedback, and possibly a testimonial at the end if you feel like it has helped you.

Thank you again for your continued support of this work. It means more to me than I can say that you have been so kind with your comments and your willingness to listen to the things I have to say. If you’re interested, message me and we’ll see what we can work out.

It’s still very ‘Beta’, so maybe you’ll get to see me completely flustered a couple of times, but I promise that I will bring my best intentions and anything of value that I know, and we’ll see where we can go together.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #544: Do Your Actions Determine My Mercy?

Do your actions determine my mercy?

Swerving in and out of traffic, he was obviously a menace. Young, and driving a car he probably shouldn’t have been. High on nothing more than the adrenaline and inexperience of youth (I hope), he seemed to be in a race against reality itself.

At least he seemed to be able to control his car, but the way he was driving left very little margin for error.

I knew that if it went wrong, someone else was probably going to get hurt, and badly.

As he flew by us, my sweet wife uttered a line that she uses more and more on the freeway these days… ‘I hope you get there without hurting anyone’. Usually at this point I’ll follow up with the simple refrain of ‘or yourself’.

Yet today, with this young man acting so recklessly, I found it a struggle to wish upon him the simple kindness that was recognition of his humanity, and of his intrinsic value as a consciousness that can learn and grow…

And I learned a lesson about myself that I really didn’t want to know.

Because in that split second, I realized that I was allowing my judgment of his actions to affect the amount of mercy I was willing to bestow upon him. And yet if I cast my mind back to my days of that age, I could recall times where I had acted in ways that were foolish, in and out of motor vehicles.

If I was going to judge this young man for his actions now, should I hold the same judgment against my actions then…

And would I have been worthy of my own mercy towards myself.

I think it’s a dangerous road we start down when we decide that we should be the arbiters of kindness. The moment we set ourselves up as the oracle of who is worthy of our good intentions, we are immediately adopting the principle that there are those are not.

Once we decide that those kind of people exist, we start judging with the possibility of denying the basic value of another human being, and we suddenly begin to find those who are ‘worthy’ of our callousness and our derision.

By denying another’s intrinsic value, we are saying that their value is not intrinsic at all.

At which point, we start setting criteria of ‘worthiness’ which we apply to others in a manner we are reluctant to apply to ourselves.

Suddenly, the world becomes separated into those whose actions have a claim on our mercy, and those whose behaviors tempt us to see ourselves as better, more worthy, and to shut them out and deny their humanity and possibility.

A temptation into which so many people fall, although there are some who are trying to climb their way out of.

Because if you have the courage to go really deep into your soul, the chances are you’ll see the same darkness in you that you find abhorrent in them. The judgments you hurl at them are probably ones which your actions would have brought forth against yourself in another time, and another place.

It’s a true statement to say that when you have learned to love and forgive yourself, you’ll find within yourself a love and a forgiveness for others.

For how can I learn to treat myself with kindness and not extend that to another.

So as that young man drove off into the distance, I thanked him for the lesson he taught me in the few moments in which his life intersected with mine.

For he showed me that I still have a distance to travel on my journey, and that there are still many lessons to learn.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Living in the Pacific Northwest means some incredible sunsets. Again, this was just taken with a cell phone, capturing in the moment the incredible beauty that nature offers us.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Thank you so much for you support and interest in this work. I am very grateful for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #543: “With All of My Heart”

“With all of my Heart”.

When I read the first line of her Facebook post, I had a pretty good idea what the rest of it was going to be like.

I have been friends with her for a while, and I have been incredibly impressed with her dedication to her work, and her desire to help people. But as she continued through the post, she listed more and more of the things that are difficult for her.

And I wonder if she sees her ‘inability to balance her desire to serve’ as a symptom of these problems.

Because in her post she talked about being scared of rejection, of struggling to feel enough, of being afraid of letting people down, of being hard on people to show that she loves them.

Again, let me say that I have been incredibly impressed by her, and I think she is somebody who truly, truly cares from the bottom of her heart about other people, and somebody who is a good person.

But when she said in her post that she would “give anything she had to help someone”… Well, that’s where I see a problem.

Because we seem to have this societal belief that in order to be a good person, you have to care a lot. Not that caring isn’t important, because it obviously is, but like all of our virtues, caring has to be balanced in order to serve both ourselves and the person who we are serving.

If you’re one of the people who didn’t like that last sentence; who believes that we should be always serving others without taking any concern for ourselves, congratulations! This post is about you too.

Because any system of thought that asks you to sacrifice for others without any concern for yourself is not teaching you to value yourself, but is instead teaching you that your value is only in what you can give.

My wife struggles with this. And for the record, she encouraged me to write this post and mention her so I’m not doing this without her explicit permission, and insistence.

She grew up with a feeling that she was never going to be good enough, and at some point in her life was taught the belief that if she served hard enough, gave enough, sacrificed enough and put herself down enough, she would someday be “good enough”.

Which is why my wife also struggles with many of the things my friend wrote in her Facebook post.

Sadly, these two wonderful woman are not the outliers of this particular problem, rather they are prima facie examples of a pathological process of philosophy and principle that has caused so many people so many problems.

I have talked to many people, sadly primarily women, who struggle with finding a balance between what they owe themselves, and what they owe the world at large.

And most of the time, they default to lessening themselves in some strange concept of virtue that actually demeans their existence and denies their individual worth.

Someday I will hopefully talk with my friend on Facebook, and share with her the principles that I teach in my coaching practice.

Hopefully one day I will be able to help her find her way to a stronger sense of herself, so that she may recognize her own individual worth, and realize that she never had to do anything to have value, nor did she need to sacrifice so much of herself in order to be worthy of anything.

Any process of thought that teaches you that your value is only in what you can do for others does not respect you as an individual, nor does it recognize your nobility as an aware intelligent consciousness.

Most of all, I hope that someday I will be able to help my friend on Facebook find that place in her own soul where she realizes that the things that she has been taught are not the things that will bring her peace in her heart.

I hope I will be able to help her to find balance, and serve not from a desire to make up for what is she was taught was wrong, but simply out of the love she has for those around her.

Because service out of fear is not service, it is an attempt to satisfy the lie that you are not worthy, and you will never be able to make right that which is wrong. When you finally know your worth, then you will serve from a completely different place in your soul.

And then you (and she) will know peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #542: One Moment – Will You Capture It?

One Moment – Will you Capture it?

As we drove past the trees and buildings onto the freeway, the skyline ahead of us cleared. We had already seen enough to realize that tonight’s sunset was going to be something out of the ordinary, but nothing had prepared us for this. The on-ramp to the freeway on our way home was in fact the entrance to a moment in history I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

Because in the midst of a year that has been tumultuous for all, we found a few minutes of wonder.

There’s something about sunrises and sunsets that just moves me. I’ve seen the sun come up across oceans, and seen it set in the mountains and across the plains. The movement of light seems to connect me to the universe in a way that nothing else can, and while all light is beautiful, seeing a vivid sunset burning up the sky reminds me that I am connected to this world and this universe in a way I cannot fully comprehend.

It also reminds me that life, like a sunset, can be fleeting.

This sunset was beautiful from start to finish, but I think the picture I took of it captured it at its most vibrant. Although I shouldn’t have taken the picture while driving, I realized that this incredible combination of blues and oranges wasn’t going to last too long. So I decided that I needed to capture this moment right now.

And so I grabbed my phone, and took the shot.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could have been set up with a really nice camera on a hillside overlooking a valley, so that I could have really done this sunset justice, rather than shooting with a cell-phone, through a slightly dirty windshield, while trying to focus on both the traffic and the sky. Life rarely gives us everything when it gives us an opportunity…

So I went with what I had, and found myself in a moment that will live with me forever.

I can’t explain what it was about this sunset that elevated it from beautiful to spiritual, but there was just something about the contrast, the timing, the angles and the sheer majesty of the light show before us. Through a year that has been difficult for all of us in one way or another, I was reminded that life is beautiful, and that there are so many things in this world that are good.

It also reminded me that I need to take the moments of good when I find them.

Because it’s easy to get caught up in all that we see wrong in the world today, and it is easy to let moments of opportunity slide because sometimes it looks too difficult, or too much like hard work. Every day is full of opportunities to experience wonder, try new things, or make that phone call that can change somebody’s world.

But all too often, we let the moment slip, and those moments turn into hours, and days into years, and we find that we are in the same place emotionally and physically that we have always been. Growth happens when we capture the moment, and peace envelops our soul when we take the chances that are before us.

So today, you have this moment… will you capture it, or just let it slip ?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings