The Not so Good, Pretty Bad Day.
Do you ever have one of the those times where it just seems like nothing is going right? I’ve been fighting with multiple problems over the last while, and it just seems like I can’t make headway on any of them.
From a bathroom remodel to a kitchen drain that blocks, from a check engine light to a computer that locks. These are all usually things that I can handle, but right now, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to solve the problems.
And honestly, it’s starting to wear me down.
We had another time like this 4 years ago, when both of our vehicles were broken, and I was working 60-70 hour weeks running a large Chiropractic practice mostly by myself. Then, as like now, it just felt like nothing I did was enough, and every tried solution just came up short. Time rolled by, and everything seemed to be piling up on top of us.
But there is a significant difference this time around.
Because even though I am more tired, what with running my own business and trying to function during a pandemic, I’m not falling into the same emotional traps like I was back then.
If you had talked to me during the late summer and fall of 2016, I would have told you that it was all my fault, and you would have seen me constantly beating myself up emotionally for all my weaknesses and failings.
Which was actually prolonging the issues, as it took from me the vital emotional energy that I needed to stay upbeat and focused.
That isn’t to say that I don’t have those thoughts running through my head right now… because they are still there. The difference is that I’m aware of them, and I have answers for them.
So even though I can’t seem to get Facebook to run ads for my writing, or even though my beloved Buick won’t keep me warm while I’m driving it, I’m working on keeping my head in the right place…
Which is out of my negative emotions, and away from the critical thoughts.
Oh sure, I still get to hear my brain tell me that I’m useless because I can’t fix the check engine light, but I know that’s just the remnant reactions of a traumatic childhood that was full of opportunities to feel 'less'.
Yes, every little drop coming from under the sink in the bathroom remodel could be mocking my pitiful plumbing skills, but I keep telling them that I’m learning and growing with every attempt at fixing these leaks.
Because I've learned to stop judging myself as imperfect, and instead focusing on the problem, not the ‘so-called’ meanings that I’ve taken from them all my life.
Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not a panacea. I still have my moments, but they are fewer in number, and further apart. The less I care about the opinions of others, or of my damaged and critical self, the more I can focus on becoming who I want to be. I still have a long way to go in my becoming, and there are many things I still have yet to learn.
But learning to give myself grace has been the greatest lesson of all.
As you can probably understand, that is not an easy lesson to learn, and there have been many conversations, and just as many commiserations.
But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that the work of becoming who you want to be is the most valuable, and the most rewarding endeavor upon which you will ever embark.
You'll never be the same again, and you'll come out of the other side of that journey knowing who you are, and more importantly, liking the person you are becoming.
I wish that for you, today, and forever.
Always.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings