“I don’t even know who I am anymore... It’s like I know I want to change, but I have no idea how to make that happen, or who I want to become... I just want to see the path before me, so I can know how far I have to go... I just feel lost – I don’t know where I am, or where I’m going’.
I could hear the sound of desperation in her voice. In a phase of life she would probably describe as ‘middle aged’, she was hurting, and she didn’t know why. A lifetime of trying to ‘be’ something so that she was worthy of love and admiration had left her feeling drained, and without a wellspring of comfort in her soul.
It’s almost as though there was no ‘her’ there to reference.
Just an accumulation of ‘shoulds’ and ‘needs’ that had overwhelmed any sense of joy and authenticity. Life had become a never ending repetition of days of sadness, followed by nights of fears.
Any meaning she took from her daily travails was never uplifting, and there was a weariness in her soul that went just about as far as anything could.
And now, part way through her journey, she had ‘lost sight of the shore in either direction’.
Because there’s this terrifying part in any deep and abiding soul journey that leaves you without a sense of where you were, and no idea of where you are going.
You know you can’t go back, because that way lies the twins burdens of sadness and despair, but you can’t see the ground in front of you promising at last a safe place to lay your head.
And it feels like all you do is flounder from day to week, month to year.
At times like this, it’s very easy to become discouraged, and step away from your journey for a while. Maybe it’s settling in a relationship that you know is wrong, or staying in a pattern of behavior that you know isn’t serving you anymore.
It becomes a battle between the weariness in your soul, and the desperate dreams that you still nurture in your desire.
But in reality, it’s honestly a part of the very messy, but very necessary process of change.
So when my friend looked to me for answers to her questions, a sense of peace for her soul, I had no great wisdom to ease her struggle, only the promise of my support, and any guidance I could offer her.
I reassured her that although the future looked foreboding right now, that she was actually doing the right things, and that her growth would inevitably come.
And somehow, just the offer of my presence and my caring seemed to be enough.
So many times I wish I could snap my fingers, and heal those who have reached out for help, but healing, be it physical, emotional or spiritual, takes time.
As individual as each of us are, so is our journey, and at some point we are all in that wilderness of the unanswered questions, when we have to trust in the journey, pick ourselves up, and struggle forwards.
Our eyes may be full of purpose or tears, our feet powerful or weary, our souls resolute or regretful. In those moments, you don’t find out what you’re ‘made of’, but instead take unto yourself the choice and the power of making yourself what you want to be.
A journey that lasts a long time, but that is essential to our souls.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings