“I just feel like I’m such a mess” she said. “All of you seem like you are so smart, and have your lives together. I just feel like I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up”.
She was referring to a group that we are a part of, and while I can understand how she feels , the truth is that knowing a few of those people, the last way we would describe ourselves as would be ‘having our lives together’.
Life is messy, and real life even more so.
The idea that I have my life together is so far from the truth that it makes me shake my head. There are many things in my life that I am working to change, and some of them are going better than others. For example, right now, my garage is a disaster.
Our primary car is still not going to pass emissions even though we just spent over $1500 on it, and while the bathroom we have been remodeling is essentially functional, there are still things that need to be done before I am happy with it.
Very little of that feels ‘together’.
And yet, in a very human way, it really is. The longer I coach, the more people I talk too, I’m becoming convinced that the greatest lie we have to lay down is the expectation of things actually working out right.
I once heard a great man say that the only people who didn’t have problems were dead people, and that problems were a sign of life.
Just in the same way that failure is a sign of success.
What my friend above was really feeling was insecurity, along with a desire for certainty and in some way a sense of connection.
If you know my work, you’ll see that what I listed there are in one form or another 3 of our 6 basic human needs, although to use the word basic is like describing the electrons, neutrons and protons of our cells as basic.
Just as every atom is a combination of a few simple things, every human being I’ve ever met is really just an expression of those 6 human needs. Sure, they might be twisted in some very different combinations, but the essence of being human is to express those needs in the fabric of your life, and in the deliberations of your soul.
And once you understand how those needs mesh and merge, everyone becomes so transparent.
Because that's all we really are in our core, an expression of a few thoughts and ideas. Yes, they might come out differently in one person as opposed to another, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you and I were to sit down for a little while and talk, I can find in you the same needs as in me.
You might express them more eloquently in your persona, but in your core, you’re probably a lot like me, and I’m a lot like you.
Which is why coming to know yourself through self awareness is the greatest way to understand others.
Once you’ve dived deep enough into your core, you’ll find that other people begin to resonate. You’ll see their actions in your actions, your words and thoughts in theirs.
Then you’ll reach that heart stopping moment where you realize that they are just like you, and you are just like them. When you come to that moment, you’ll see them for the very first time, and wonder at them, and also at you.
Because although we are all patchworks of the same problems, we are also all works of art from the same brushes, the same materials, the same needs and loves.
And once you understand how very connected we all are, you can start forgiving and loving them in the way that you need to forgive and love yourself.
Because the beauty of any patchwork is how a new piece can always be blended in, to make the whole even more than it was before.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings