Several years ago I began coaching a woman who had been dealt a pretty tough hand of cards. As we worked through her struggles, we developed a mantra for her to try and live by, which was designed to snap her out of her stories and to keep her grounded in the present.
Based on some time-trusted principles, we crafted a simple yet perfect arrangement for her to focus on whenever she felt overwhelmed or embattled by all that life was throwing at her.
“I am, I am here, I am now”.
Although it’s only eight words, the power contained in that little phrase was incalculable. Beginning with the statement of ‘I am’, it positioned her to understand that she has intrinsic value just by being alive, and that she doesn’t have to be or do something in order to have value.
As someone who struggled to feel that she was enough, that was a sobering and yet powerful reminder.
One that most of us seem to need.
With ‘I am here’, we reminded her that in order to stay focused, she could remind herself of what she actually faced in her present environment. Not at any other place, but right where she was.
As someone who tended to interpret her present through situations that she was not currently experiencing, this was a reminder to ground herself in what was actually around her, so that she might focus on dealing with what was in front of her.
So that she could find herself powerfully present and aware.
With ‘I am now’ the goal was to anchor her in herself, rather than in the stories that she told herself from the past, or the fears and apprehensions she experienced when thinking about the future.
Understanding that she was ‘now’ would encourage her to experience her current moment without reference to anything other than what was actually happening, so that she might only have to live ‘this moment’ in reference to itself.
Which is hard to understand, and even harder to practice.
Yet in teaching her all these things, I realize now that the advice I gave her was incomplete. None of it was bad advice, yet I should have given one more step.
Because sometimes, no matter how much you try to stay focused and present in the now…. Now can really suck sometimes.
My error was not teaching her that sometimes, when ‘now’ feels like something you need to take a break from, it’s ok to imagine yourself somewhere and somewhen other than where you are.
Imagination can be a powerful bridge to a future where things are more enjoyable than they are today.
Earlier this evening, my sweet wife walked into my home office, and gently placed her forehead on the wall and released a sigh of exhaustion. Turning to me, she simply said “I am weary’, and I knew what she meant.
The pressure of trying to run a small business in the middle of a pandemic is tiring, especially when it’s business that you can’t really do from home.
So instead of focusing on the present, sometimes it’s necessary to draw our emotional strength from the future, in our belief that there will be better days ahead, and that once again the sun will shine, even though right now there seems to be so much darkness and confusion in the present.
When I find myself getting locked into an emotional focus that seems to suggest that there is no happiness in the world right now, I try to focus on what may be in the future, and draw my sense of happiness and joy from there.
Because that’s what hope really is – the belief that there is good to come.
And in that, I do believe.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings