Morning Reflection: Finding Light in the Darkness

Finding Light in the Darkness.

I watched an amazing YouTube video this weekend. It’s simple, yet profound, and highlighted the absolute beauty of nature in concert with the ingenuity of our human race. It sounds kind of silly when I explain it, but the lesson it taught me was really necessary for me to hear at this time, and I would like to share it with you.

The video was of a train’s journey through the snowy mountains of Norway.

I know, it sounds really exciting right? :) And yes, I can tell you that the countryside looked incredible bathed in a blanket of snow. And yes, I can explain to you how the stark, cold and fairly inhospitable landscape made me very grateful to be warm and inside. 

I could even share with you the strange sense of peace and calm that I received as the train moved between the mountains and seemed to follow a path that was often covered in deep snow, present but unable to be seen.

But the real lesson was in the dark, rather than in the light.
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The tunnels on this journey are incredible. There are many of them as the train wends its way under and through the breathtaking valleys and hills. Some of the tunnels were small, with enough light to enable you to see the walls, and the tracks. Some were a little longer, with lights throughout the tunnel that allowed a sense of space and perspective.

But the longest one was completely dark.

As the train ran through this tunnel, the view from the cab showed nothing but darkness pierced by a small distant light that offered hope in the distance. 

I found myself becoming slightly anxious, as the light in the distance never seemed to come closer, and even though I knew intellectually that there was going to be an end to the darkness, I found myself wondering if there really was hope for the journey.

And I realized how much that felt like our life here on earth.

We all go through times where there is light, beauty, magnificence and grandeur. Where life seems to be full of magic and wonder, and where the idea of darkness is distant and fleeting. 

But there are also times where we find ourselves in that deep suffocating darkness, where the only light we feel is small, insignificant and far away, and the hope of breaking out into the light of a new day seems to be beyond our reach.

And we become anxious, listening to the lies of our fears rather than the possibility of hope.

If you find yourself there today, in that darkness which shows no end, I implore you to reach out to someone; a friend, a lover, a parent, or even me. For as much as there is trial; there is also joy. As much as there is sorrow; there can be peace. 

As dark as your time may seem right now, I promise you there can be light again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do you stand?

How do you stand?

There are times when life seems determined to crush you down. Where for some strange alignment of the universe, things just seem to coalesce into a catastrophic chaos. 

There seems to be no way out, or forward or through, and you are left quietly screaming inside your mind as you try to understand how you got here, and where to go from here.

And it’s worse when it’s your own fault.

Because we all have our issues. Some we are completely unaware of, and we carry these through life without a conscious realization of the damage our issues cause. Some we are aware of, but we don’t know why we struggle with those beliefs or behaviors. 

Some we know both the cause and the effect, and still find ourselves powerless to force ourselves into the actions that we know we need to take.

So we struggle, day to day.

Constantly trying to ‘fix’ that which we see wrong inside of us, making slow but noticeable progress, but all the time running from the things that haunt us. So we run until the threat appears to be over, and try to find the cure for ourselves in the space between the last threat and the next one. Searching for that peace which others seem to find, yet which eludes us in our desperation.

But here’s a little secret.

It’s true for everyone. Because when you are deep into your own problems, and the world feels like it’s crashing down upon you, there’s a tendency to think that no one else has problems, that their lives are perfect, and that you are the only person in the world who struggles. This comparison actually drags you further down into despair, making your journey back into joy and happiness that much harder.

While your situation may be specific to you, the pain and frustration are not – that’s universal.

Because almost everyone you meet is carrying their own history of trauma and attachment that creates pain and problems one way or another. Their story differs from yours in the details, but the theme of it is still the same. 

Pain creates psychological pathology that presents in patterns that cause more pain. The greater the pain, the harder it is to come back from.

Unless you ask for help.

But our shame and our fears try stop us from reaching out through the darkness for the help that could make all the difference in our lives. The sense of shame that we are somehow solely responsible for our problems, even when we have tried our best to overcome our weaknesses. The fear that others will judge us for our failings and be as merciless to us as we are to ourselves.

Yeah, think that one through for a moment.

Because you’ve lived so long never giving yourself compassion that you cannot imagine you would receive it from anyone else. So you continue on in your lonely isolation, carrying the weight of your world, and never reaching out.

Reach out. There is compassion waiting for you. It may be hard to find, but it is there.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Just wanted to say I'm sorry...

Just wanted to say I'm sorry...

that I didn't have a reflection for you this morning. I got hit pretty hard with a migraine last night, and wasn't exactly up to writing.

I'm doing better today, and normal service will resume on Monday morning ;)

Until then, I hope you have a fantastic weekend full of fun, love and happiness.

Alan
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Do What Brings You Peace

Do What Brings You Peace.

People often come to me for advice. Partly as a coach, partly as a friend, partly as the author of this work. Often someone wants to know how they can change something in their life, and other times it’s for help in clarifying a choice that they have to make. 

Those are often the most difficult, because when someone has a choice, it seems there is a never ending supply of people who have an opinion on the subject.

And I try very hard to avoid making the choice for them.

Instead I try to ask questions. I try to present options, and help people find clarity about what they feel about each of those choices. Once they have a clear picture of every option, and the principles and ramifications that are attached to each, we transition into a process where they make a choice as to the direction they want to move in. 

That’s when I try very hard to make sure they choose what they want, and what they can live with.

I invite them to “Do what brings you peace”.

I think that’s the most profound advice I can offer. I know it sounds kind of generic, and almost like I am trying to avoid the specifics of their situation. But honestly, this one piece of advice is the most humble advice I can ever offer. 

Because it means that I am respecting their humanity, their consciousness and their agency, despite whatever my feelings about the situation are.

And though it’s sometimes hard, I believe it’s the right thing to do.

Because so many times we are tempted to give advice based on what we think is the right answer. I have seen this in families, in couples, in parent-child relationships, and in friendships. We get so caught up in our own view of the world and how it should be, that we forget to honor the divine consciousness in the soul of someone else.

As one of my favorite authors once wrote… “Sin is when you start to treat people like objects”.

But if I am able to remove my wants, my needs, my sense of ‘justice’ and my view of the world from the situation, only then am I truly able to help someone achieve true clarity and find peace for themselves. And truthfully, I can think of nothing more selfish and dangerous that to ask someone else to live a certain way based on your own needs and/or expectations. 

Because to ask someone to live according to your wants and needs is to demean their humanity to feed the exultation of your own. History is replete with the examples of the devastation that brings.

So the next time you receive advice, I invite you to ask yourself if that advice is given selfishly, or selflessly. You can tell the difference very simply. If the person giving you the advice wants you to choose what makes you happy, then you know they are truly balanced and at peace. 

If their advice to you feeds their demons, then you’ll know who’s peace they really have in mind.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Take A Deep Breath

Take A Deep Breath

And be in this moment, feeling the expansion of your chest, and the movement of the air as it courses through your nose and mouth, cascading down the back of your throat and into your lungs. 

Reaching the end of its journey, it unloads its life saving oxygen and picks up the poisonous carbon dioxide from deep within you, carrying into the outside world.

Every single breath is a miracle.

And breathe out, feeling your body return to its normal shape, as the air streams out of you. Warmed by the heat of your body, it steams in the cold air of the world. 

The magical interplay of light and air paints marvels in front of you, as that which was invisible is for a moment transformed into a living canvas of movement and refraction.

Be in this moment, and breathe.

With each breath now, allowing your mind to calm, focusing on that which you have and can give, rather than ruminating on that which you don’t have and want. Allow your consciousness to determine the flow and focus of your thoughts, being lost in compassion and gratitude for the miracle of your thoughts, your breath, this world, your soul.

Find that place of kindness within you, and allow it to expand with each breath until it becomes you.

Center yourself where you are, and when you are, not anxiously pulling pain from the future or the past. Share in the majesty of this moment, with its trials and its truths. 

Feel each muscle in your body, relaxing and moving in a symphony of motion that you hold in stillness as your mind moves closer to singularity, stillness and sensitivity. Experience the energy of each breath flowing in and through you as you find your place in the now that is always now.

And just be here, now.

With each long, slow, deliberate and divine breath, allow your inner vision to find all those things for which you could be grateful, and catalog them in your mind. Balance your breaths between finding and thanking, and let your mind be full of the things which bring you a sense of joy and gratitude. 

Then with each breath in, focus your mind onto something for which you grateful, and with the subsequent breath out, allow gratitude to suffuse through your soul, spreading from your heart to the very tips of your fingers and toes.

And feel the change in your body as you move into a deep, profound feeling of thankfulness.

For there are many reasons to give thanks in this world, and each breath can be a reminder of them. Train your heart, your soul and your mind to breathe gratitude every day, and you will discover a world far beyond your understanding.

Live your life in a state of wonder, and you will gaze in wonder at the state of your life.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Dichotomy

Dichotomy

It’s difficult, being human. Nothing quite balances as neatly as we would like. We trust our senses, yet we can be fooled with the simplest of tricks. We try to understand an infinite and eternal universe with a finite and temporal mind. 

We live our lives as if there will be tomorrows, yet we also have to survive each day. We try to make sense of the impossible, and balance what peace we find against a background of entropy that threatens to destroy all that we hold in a moment.

Every day we try find balance by grasping onto the things which we think we understand.

Yet deep in our minds, we find that we don’t truly understand ourselves. We try to make sense of the things that we feel, and the thoughts that rise up from deep within the recess of our souls. We attempt to follow principles, living by the truths that we feel are in alignment with the universe within and without, yet we trample our own ideology for reasons of the moment that are hard to understand.

And we fall into the darkness of our self condemnation.

And then we ask ourselves the questions that really define us as people. Am I a good person; do I have value in this world; is there something I can offer that will serve others and help them find their own light in the darkness; how do I balance my happiness against those around me; whom should I serve, how should I live; why are we here?

For every answer there is a confliction, for every conflict another question.

The further I walk on my path, I find that the only way to be certain of anything means that I have to accept uncertainty. Rather than seeking for light or dark, I have to accept them as two sides of the same coin, somehow believing that I have the ability to change how the coin will land when it is tossed in the air. The firmer I try to grasp certainties, the more they slip through my fingers into the abyss of possibility.

Wherein all seems to fall.

And so I struggle to find an alignment of my soul in the never ending confusion of the black and white that are neither. I seek to bring forth the best of myself, and accept it, while understanding the darkness within me, and seeking to hold it. 

For we none of us are singular, perfect and without a compassionate conflict in the darkness of our soul.
Yet there are those who have found their peace and their singularity despite their ever present flawed humanity. 

I am not one of them, yet I seek to be.

So every morning is a struggle to find my purpose and place within the cacophony of doubts and disillusionment that drips daily onto my soul. Moving onwards, I walk as both light and dark, solid and shadow, saint and sinner, wise man and fool.

Trying to discover the truths of who I am.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection--Status: Human

Status: Human

I had a post all written for today, and I scrapped it. I knew it wasn’t right, even though I couldn’t put my finger on the reason why it was wrong. So I sat down at my laptop again, and tried to find the thread of what I really needed to share with you. 

And then a simple Facebook post by a friend hit me so hard that I knew what today’s message was supposed to be.

That we are all human, together.

The post contained a video of a homeless man explaining how some people treat him as they pass him by. Yes, he is asking for money, but from what I could see he wasn’t being aggressive, he was just holding out a cup. 

His ability to eat, and sleep somewhere other than the street, was dependent upon the generosity of others. He talked about his inability to get a job because he doesn’t have a phone or an address.

But what hit me hardest was when he cried, explaining the way that people say cruel things to him.

I’ve always been blessed to have a roof over my head. I don’t know what it’s like to be homeless, but I’m guessing that this man has seen, and lived through, a lot of things. I can’t begin to imagine what it must take to make him feel sad enough to cry, what kind of cruel statements people must make to him on the street as they pass him by.

And I wondered also what kind of pain that person has to be feeling, that they can treat another human being, who is so obviously hurting, with such disregard for his humanity. 

What kind of wound is in their heart, what lack of feeling, that they can be so untouched and unmoved by the sight of another person, who lives, breathes and cries that same way that they do, that they would go out of their way to treat them horribly.

And I realized they were both hurting.

It struck me in a way that it hasn’t before that although pain is a uniquely personal experience for each of us, it is at the same time a universal experience for all of us. That pain is a guaranteed experience for all of us at some point, and that the person who is causing another pain is just as in need of my help and my notice as the person they are hurting.

That’s a hard thing for me to accept, because the very human part of me wants to see the guilty punished.

But if I am going to be a healer, a peacemaker, a force for kindness and a refuge for those in need of whatever I have to offer, then I need to be willing to share my knowledge with those who are hurting regardless of their actions. 

Because in truth we are all hurting, and we have probably all hurt people to some degree.

To hurt is human, and to hurt is human. May we be willing to heal all who are Status: Human.

And may we make a difference in the world today.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Trouble With Your Unprocessed Trauma

The Trouble With Your Unprocessed Trauma.

There are so many things we don’t talk about. Maybe it’s because we’re scared to seem vulnerable to others, or afraid of looking weak or foolish. 

Sometimes our traumas are so deep that we just don’t want to dredge up the past one more time, because the pain never seems to change, and going back to those memories gives us only one outcome of which we can be certain.

It’s going to hurt, a lot.

We all experience trauma in our lives and most of the time we find a way to “get by” after the experience, but getting by is not living life in a way that produces feelings of gratitude and a profound sense of purpose. 

“Getting by” is the death knell of passion, principle and purpose, and leads to a lifetime of quiet pain and desperation if allowed to define and determine our ongoing existence.

“Getting by” is its own form of emotional post traumatic stress disorder.

I spoke today with two different people about the unresolved trauma in the lives of those close to them. They told similar stories, of painful experiences that came to define the ongoing actions of people whom they loved, but who could not fully love them back because the pain they carried was distorting their lives into corrosive caricatures of the people they used to be. 

Unprocessed trauma is an indiscriminate killer.

So why don’t people resolve their trauma? If it’s so destructive, why is it that people carry these feelings around with them for the rest of their lives? That’s a tough question to answer, but the more I work with people, the patterns become clearer before my eyes.

Because some people are completely unaware of how they still carry trauma within them, and so walk through the world in pain without understanding. Some people have a suspicion of why they hurt, and sense that something is wrong, but are unable to identify the cause of their pain. 

And then there are those who know the cause of their pain, but are afraid to go deeper one more time in a attempt to heal that wound which has festered for far too long.

But there is a way out.

The pathway leading out of trauma is never easy, but it can be done. It usually requires tears, time, the courage to open your heart and the trust in your guide to lead you through the darkness.

But it can be done.

If you are suffering from a wound that refuses to heal, please know that there is hope for happiness in the future. For while you may not see the pathway before you right now, I promise you that you can find peace within you.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to reach out. 

I am here for you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Focus Your Will On The World

Focus Your Will On The World

It’s a strange thing, this place we call the universe. One part random, one part cause-and-effect and one part intention. Random we accept, cause and effect we can anticipate. 

But intention, where you focus your will to manifest a result that hasn’t happened yet, that’s where the real magic begins. Because here’s a sobering truth that should at the same time fill you full of anticipation and optimism.

Everything you see was once just intention.

This computer, the mouse, the chair, the desk, the lightbulb, the wall, the carpet. All of those were once intention before they were real. The Internet that allows us to share our thoughts together was once just an idea in the mind of a few crazy people who saw beyond what was and dreamed what could be into reality. 

They probably couldn’t see the end, but they knew what was going to look like. And then they discovered a secret known only to those who have pushed beyond the boundaries of the now into the next.

Intention charts a course for the universe.

I could tell you things about intention, that would make you think I was crazy. Then I’d show you the studies, and then you would really start to wonder about what is real and what isn’t. 

Because the further you dive into the world of intention, the less the universe responds to the Newtonian laws by which we live our day-to-day lives. As a born skeptic it has taken many years for me to see and finally accept the truth that intention drags the universe along with you.

But I’ve seen it too many times now to question.

And yet intention is not enough. You can’t just sit there and will things into existence. We are not that advanced yet. Intention has to be backed up with hard work, and sometimes an almost fanatical level of dedication. 

I used to think that it was just the hard work, and that the intention was just a mental motivation to do the work. Not anymore. I’ve seen too much.

Now I try to be very deliberate and definite with my intention, and follow it through with hard work.

Because I have seen very intentioned people who did nothing and got nowhere and I have seen people who worked hard but without a clear definition and intent and they got nowhere. The work makes it possible but the intention brings it into reality. It all comes down to what you focus on and how hard you focus on it.

Your focus manifests your reality.

Today I invite you to be very intentional. Do what you are doing with a definite sense of purpose, with a definite intention for a result, and see what a difference it makes to your world. 

Resources will appear, pathways will open and the craziest things will begin to come forth.

Focus your will on the world and see what happens .

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Polarity

Polarity.

In an age where information and communication are more readily available than ever before, we are growing further apart as people. 

Crawling into the digital echo chambers of our ever present devices, we are isolating ourselves from the one thing that can create growth and inspire peace between our races, nations, genders and families.

The ability to listen to an opposing point of view.

In politics, in the definition of societal structures, in the determination of family and even in the relationships between genders, there appears to be a greater divide than a coming together. 

As voices rise in pitch and provocation, we are becoming less desirous of peace, and more willing to enter into conflicts of ideas without a respect for our common humanity.

The need to be right has overridden the responsibility to be respectful.

I see this in the lives of friends who have become so polarized by one position that they have ceased to become anything else. Casting off all pretense of civility and compassion, they desire the destruction of an opposing point of view, and all who espouse it, without regard for the truth or the possibility of a valid opinion that does not conform to their own.

The fascism of ideology is replacing the tyranny of theology. Have we learned nothing?

Where are the cries for peace in the midst of the cacophony for chaos? When will we turn to our neighbor seeking reunion with the same fervor and ferocity as we now seek victory at the cost of our common decency? 

It seems a forgotten reality that we still have to live with the people with whom we disagree, even if we have temporarily triumphed in some venue of war, or whatever passes for it. Victory seems to destroy the virtues of kindness and friendship, relegating the defeated to the position of the enemy, rather than the friend with whom we must reconcile.

We cannot continue down this causeway of chaos, lest we find ourselves in a conflict entirely of our own creation.

Today, I implore you to begin the process of peace by listening not to the arguments of your opponent, but to the beating of your heart that declares them as such. 

Journey inside yourself, and ask why you cannot reach out in peace and harmony. When you find the answer to this question, you will have served the world in way that no-one else ever could.

If you would seek to find the flaw in others, first understand your desire to do so.

If you would seek peace, find it first in you.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life is the opportunity, not the certainty

Life is the opportunity, not the certainty.

I saw a picture tonight that stopped me cold. It was of a woman who had just given birth, cradling her newborn child. It looked like every normal birth picture, except that the mother’s head was shaved bald. 

At 7 months into her pregnancy, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and started on chemo therapy. In the midst of the beauty of the birth of a new life, a cloud of darkness had come to reduce the sunshine.

And I wept at the sight. I hope and pray that she will be ok.

I learned on the very first day of fatherhood that I should never take anything for granted. At less than 6 hours old, our oldest son was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect, and we were informed that he would require open heart surgery. 

I can’t fully express my feelings from that day in language, because I don’t think there is a way to describe a fear that raw, a terror so complete and an incredible feeling of helplessness. We had to trust our son to the care of those who were trained in miracles. 

And we received a miracle in return.

But sometimes those miracles don’t come, and the darkness falls like rain. No matter our hopes, our prayers, our best efforts and the dedication of everything we have, life can be a difficult experience. Sometimes the greatest desires of our hearts are unfulfilled, and we are left to wonder and weep at the abject cruelty of an uncaring universe.

And we realize that our illusion of certainty is no certainty at all.

In fact, the longer I live and observe this strange journey that we call life, I become more convinced that the only certainties are uncertainties. That the only guarantee I will ever have is that goodness and grief are likely to find me in equal measure. My realization should be that life is indiscriminate with both its kindness and its cruelty.

I begin to suspect that the pathway to peace is not in the absence of suffering, nor the eternal possession of joy, but rather in a deep sense of gratitude for the experience of everything.

And it appears to me that within that sense of gratitude is also the secret to finding an acceptance of myself. With a full knowledge of my facets and flaw, strengths and sadness, I seek to balance the equation of the judgment of myself, and if I am to be grateful for a universe full of darkness and light, then maybe I can also accept a self that is also.

For there are no absolutes to be found in this realm, although there may be further on. 

For now, it behooves me to try to find what peace I can in the acceptance of all that is. Knowing that there will be both joy and grief, laughter and loss, happiness and heartache and sadness and smiles, I desire to choose the joy of embracing all that I can experience in all the days that are in front of me.

For each day is a gift. Nothing is certain. All I have, is now.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When You Don’t Speak, My Fears Will Do It For You

When You Don’t Speak, My Fears Will Do It For You.

Last Friday, I wrote about the miracle of language, and our desire for more authentic communication in our intimate relationships. I invited you to talk with more depth and honesty, and to enrich both your life and theirs. 

Today, I’d like to continue that thought with an understanding of what happens when you don’t speak, because this will cause more damage to your relationships than you can imagine.

You see, if you don’t tell me what you are feeling, then my fears and my insecurities will fill in your side of the conversation. And the chances are, it’s not going to be what you actually would have said, and it’s not going to enrich our relationship.

And the really scary part is that our brains can’t really tell the difference.

That’s why it’s so important for people to talk, and to be honest with each other. Because when you hold back in a relationship, for whatever reason (you’re scared, you don’t want to hurt your partner) what you do is leave a void that is going to be filled. 

I wrote a long time ago about how silence cannot be misquoted, but it can be misinterpreted, and there is definitely a time for silence, but it’s not during a difficult time during an intimate relationship. 

The more emotionally charged the conversation, the greater the likelihood that I will misinterpret your silence in a way that meets my needs (whether I am aware of it or not).

And those needs might not be what you think.

Because often times, our need for certainty (the ability to avoid pain in the future) is so great that we are willing to accept pain now rather than risk potential future pain in the relationship. 

So rather than interpret your silence as something good, we instinctively choose a translation that is bad (painful for us) so that we can get the pain over with. I know that sounds messed up, because it is, but I guarantee that you have done this in the past. You just probably don’t know that you have.

So your silence translates to the worst possible thing that you could be thinking, even though you are probably not.

Given enough time, and enough ‘conversations’ in your partner’s head, your relationship becomes fractured through the things you didn’t say, and like I said earlier, after a while our brain can’t tell the difference between a painful emotional conversation had in real life, and one had only on the inside of your mind.

The more you talk, with kindness and caring honesty, the greater the chance that your relationship will not only survive, but thrive into the deep, honest, authentic and meaningful partnership that we all crave, but find so hard to achieve.

Speak the truths of your soul. Kindly, reverently, honestly and considerately. 

The truth will set you free, but first you have to speak it.

— Dr. Alan Barne
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Words You’re Not Saying

The Words You’re Not Saying.

I think we take the miracle of language for granted. I say miracle, because the fact that your consciousness can choose to vibrate air at precisely the correct frequency so that my consciousness can interpret it is mind blowing. 

The you that is aware doesn’t know how to do that, and the awareness that is me has no idea how to measure the vibrations and create communication from it.

Yet we make it happen.

And don’t even get me started on the syntax of a language, with its nuances and the incredible depth of meaning that we share in the words that we use. Either spoken or written, our ability to communicate is the gift that allows us to rise above our innate capacities and edify ourselves with knowledge and the shared emotions that enriches and gives meaning to our existence. 

But so many of us do not say the words that we really need to say.

Because the only true way to have a meaningful life is to have real relationships. Ones that are built on trust, respect, caring for each other and a healthy bedrock of honest, heartfelt communication. And while we can express some of our truths in a body language and facial expressions, the real truths that we need to convey are often locked deep in our hearts, or even deeper in our soul away from our day to day awareness. Only language can help us to access these truths.

And these are the truths that can set us free.

Most, if not all of us, really crave a deep and heartfelt intimacy. Not of sharing bodies and time, but of sharing our fears, our needs, our insecurities and our desires. I hope that at some point in your life you have sat with another human being in that quiet moment when barriers were dropped, pretenses were shed and raw, naked, human truth was shared in confidence and kindness.

If you’ve had that experience, you know what I mean.

Yet day to day we hold these secrets close in our hearts, and fail to reveal them even to those who are closest to us. In fact, these are often the people that we need to share with, yet we hold back out of a fear that the sharing of our truths will in some way diminish us in the eyes of someone who we value.

In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.

So today, I invite you to enrich your most intimate relationships with more honest, and deeper communication. Share the things that you have been wanting to say; with kindness, with compassion and with humility. 

I have seen time and time again that so many of our problems in life are down to a lack of honest and truthful conversation. Not by phone, not in an email, but face to face, heart to heart, soul to soul.

The truth can set you free, but first you have to speak it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Allow Yourself To Be Crazy

Allow Yourself To Be Crazy

This weekend we’re going to do something kind of nuts. My sweet wife Holly and I are going to drive up into the mountains (again) on a mission to see a house that I have fallen in love with. 

It’s gorgeous, and is honestly the first house that has ever spoken to me in quite this way. Looking at it online takes my breath away, and makes me feel like this is the house that I would honestly love to call my home. 

And yes, it’s a little bit expensive.

Ok, full disclosure, it’s insanely expensive, and right now there’s no obvious way that we could ever afford it without a wild change of life. To add to the reality check, it’s kind of off road, and there is snow in the mountains and this house is kind of off the beaten path, so there’s a significant possibility that we could get stuck in the snow. It could even be in a gated community, so we might not even be able to get to it.

Do I care – not really.

I totally realize that some people will look at this as a waste of time and money. Why drive so far, in bad conditions, on the chance that we could drive by a house that we might not ever be able to own, to get stuck in the snow. Sure, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous, and yet to me it makes every sense in the world to go there and give ourselves the chance to dream.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t care.

Because I need to have a dream, and a crazy expectation for myself, or the world would become a very dull place. I know the improbable can happen, because I’m living it. I’ve come so much further than my background would ever have suggested. 

If you look at the statistics of my birth, my family and my high school record, you would understand that I am living a life so very different than anyone could have imagined.

So I choose to dream, and believe that the impossible is waiting for me.

But not only for me, but for you as well. I believe that most people have genius and madness inside of them, but they hide it away, afraid of the censure of the world and the people who will think ill of them. 

I reject this notion. I choose to believe in you, and in your greatness, your humanity, your kindness, and your nobility. I choose to believe that we all have the capacity to change the world.

But what if I’m wrong?

Well, it will have been a better life than sitting quietly. Maybe I’ll have tried, and crashed and burned spectacularly. Maybe they’ll all laugh, and use me as an example to their children of what not to be, how not to live. If that is how this ends up, then SO BE IT.

I’ll stick with crazy, and be happy. Come along for the ride.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Fall of All of Your Foundations

The Fall of All of Your Foundations.

We all stand on the bases of our beliefs. It’s one of the more human aspects of our species – the way we attempt to make sense of our universe by means of solid foundational beliefs. 

For some it’s in a supreme being, for others it’s science. Many have a solid belief in family, marriage and principles such as freedom, justice, liberty and honesty.

Don’t get me wrong, they are all good.

But sometimes you’ll find that your foundations are not as sure as you thought they were. I’ve seen families fall apart, faith lost, principles trampled under situations and kindness sacrificed at the altar of greed. 

I’ve seen marriages that I thought were solid crumble, and good people reveal themselves as nightmares cloaked in the robes of righteousness.

And I’ve seen people fall apart under the loss of their foundations.

As I work with people who have faced some of life’s more treacherous trials, I’ve come to the realization that there are strong people who have strong foundations, and strong people who have very little in the way of foundations. 

That was hard for me to understand at first, and to this day it’s still not easy, but the further I walk in my own journey, I have come to understand that the person who stands strong without foundations is in fact the strongest of all.

That understanding has been hard won.

But as I have meditated on the concept of our foundations, I have arrived at the concept that the need to stand on a foundation is in fact a form of certainty addiction. As one of our 4 basic human needs (4 basic, 2 advanced) certainty can be a very powerful base upon which to stand, but it can also become our most destructive need. 

In my own life, my addiction to certainty (which is really the desire to avoid potential fear/pain) has cost me years of enjoyment, as I became stuck at a point in my life where I never should have been, and remained there for far too long.

As I work with people through their journey to self awareness and strength, I often have to help through a process where they are able to become less dependent on some of their foundations, and find within themselves the courage to ‘float on stormy seas’. Although this is at times painful and scary, it’s so life affirming to see someone break through into a new understanding, one that fills them with confidence and courage.

That they are strong enough to stand on a foundation of themselves.

Because true certainty is not found outside of yourself, but within and because of yourself. True certainty is the knowledge and faith in yourself that you can stand firm in who you are despite the loss of any or even all of your foundations. True certainty comes not out of arrogance, but out of a humility forged in the fire of our experiences and the courage of our choices.

And when you are certain of yourself, you will find peace as you walk through this world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Seduction of a Silent Sunday Morning

The Seduction of a Silent Sunday Morning.

Somehow it’s different. It’s like when you wake up in the morning and there’s snow outside muffling the sounds around you, or when a particularly thick fog bank descends and blocks out the world. 

It's magical, that moment. It’s like the world is holding its breath, quivering with anticipation as it waits for something special to occur, such as the start of a new day or the passing of one season into another.

A quiet Sunday morning can be like that for me.

This last Sunday, as I awoke, I was greeted again by the feeling of possibility and potential. The house was quiet because everybody was sleeping super late. When no-one else is awake, it feels like I’m the only one in the house, and yet I also feel a sense of responsibility to not disturb them, which can be really hard with a 5 month old puppy who can hear the fridge open at 25 yards.

Thankfully, I was able to move around silently enough to maintain that beautiful ambiance for a couple of hours.

So I enjoyed every silent minute.

And yet it’s different than the same situation on a weekday morning or even a Saturday morning. For some reason Sunday just feels different; like the world is taking a deep breath and doing its best to find its center in the midst of the chaos of the week. I find I can plan things with a different vision and my brain seems to process with less distractions.

And as somebody who is incredibly disorganized and should probably be diagnosed with ADHD, less distractions are a wonderful thing.

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to find silence in my life. As a young man I would drive to the ocean, which was only 10 minutes away, and walk along the beaches, feeling the wind in my hair, hearing the ocean pounding into the shore and smelling the salt on the air. Even now, I wonder why that particular combination holds so much power over me. 

And how can I feel more of it in my life.

As I meditate on the truth of a quiet Sunday morning, and a walk on the ocean, I am reminded that both of these environments are the stimulus for a state of mind; but they are only stimuli, not essential components. 

The peace that I feel in either of these situations is available to me anytime, if I choose to train my mind to feel that particular way.

But sometimes it’s just nice to have the universe arrange it for me. To be able to sit quietly, listening to the world move gently by, and marvel at the wondrous blessings and opportunities that we have been given. Focusing not on what could be, but finding the joy in that which is, and has been.

This life is good. It can be hard, sometimes incredibly so, but we are here, in this beautiful world, at this time. We are blessed with incredible technology, and gifts of healing and sharing. What a time to be alive.

May you find the joy of gratitude and peace today in the still quiet moments of your soul.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Small Victories

The Small Victories.

Last week was one of those weeks that I would like to forget. It seemed that every situation produced a problem, and every problem I fixed generated two more. 

I’ve been fighting to restore the operating system on my primary work computer since last Thursday evening, and as I sit here at 12:54 AM Mountain standard Time on Monday morning I am struck by the knowledge that I have to start all over again with the computer.

Every hour, every minute and every thought that I have put into this project so far has essentially been rendered useless because of the complexities of modern technology.

And the timing couldn’t be worse.

I have several time essential important projects for work, I have a seminar to prepare for next Tuesday and I have a class I’m teaching tonight. I have responsibilities to friends and coaching clients as well as family. I have things that I need to get accomplished, including training for the Spartan race that my son and I will be running in June (remind me why I signed up for this).

I also now have a huge blood blister on my right thumb from trying to replace a taillight on my wife’s car where the screws were rusted solid and I tried to convince them to move with a pair of pliers. Anyone who’s tried that knows it’s a stupid move, made especially worse by sticking my thumb in the wrong place.

Yeah, just one of those weekends were everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong.

I know what you’re thinking at this point. You’re wondering where’s the victory in all of this, because it seems to be hard to find? Well, there is a victory here but it’s not one that’s easily seen, because the victory was in the way I responded to all of these things. 

In the past I would have become super frustrated, and thrown myself my own pity party, and then invited everybody around to come on in and commiserate with me.

But not this time. 

As I’ve written before, I am training myself to always ask why is this happening for me, but I’m also training myself to try to react with gratitude rather than grimacing. I’m trying to retain a sense of peace in the middle of frustration, and determination instead of desperation. I guess I’m trying to act like somebody who I would like to be, and who I hope I am becoming.

So my biggest victory was that when I pinched my thumb between the pliers I didn’t even swear.

I accepted that the pain I was feeling, and the eventual blood blister than I knew would be appearing, was simply life’s way of teaching me not to do that again. 

I accepted that the rust that was holding the screws together was a chemical reaction to moisture, rather than a personal attack on my sanity and well-being. 

I accepted that the problems with my computer are simply part of the price that we pay for the technical ability to do all that we can do.

But mostly I accepted that this too will pass, that there will be a brighter day in the future, and that I will accomplish more by trying to remain calm, focused, resolute and peaceful. I accepted the victory over myself, and even though it was a small one, it was a very sweet win.

And I’m grateful for it.

So I wonder... what were your victories this weekend?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Waiting for Permission

Waiting for Permission.

It’s a strange thing, permission. When we are young, it controls almost our entire existence. As we age, it still dominates our pathway through life. Be it from a parent, a spouse, an employer, a friend or even whatever you believe in as a supreme being in the universe, we always seem to be looking for someone to give us permission to do the things we want to do.

We are conditioned to ask, even when we don’t have to.

And I’ve been wondering recently why we are so fearful to act without permission in so many avenues of our lives. Because while there are some things that do require someone in authority to give us the go ahead, there are so many experiences waiting for us if we just seek permission from the one person who should really control our existence.

Ourselves.

Yet we struggle to do this. Maybe it’s impostor syndrome, where we don’t feel like we are ‘good enough’ to step into the role that we secretly crave in life. Maybe it’s fear of the reaction of those around us, which suffocates both our creativity and compassion. Or maybe it’s the belief that we will judge ourselves harshly if we allow ourselves to become who we want to be.

Permission is a dangerous jailer.

Please understand, I’m not asking you to go out and act in a way that defies authority, far from it. Instead, I’m asking you open your mind to the possibility that you could be happier, healthier, more at peace and more integrated in yourself if you just stopped waiting for the permissions that you never needed to ask for in the first place. If you want to know how that might feel, ask yourself this simple question…

What would I do if I only had permission from ‘whomever’ (God, your family, yourself etc) to do it?

A friend of mine took this to heart recently after I wrote a piece of this work asking you to decide who you were, and to be that person now in the way that you act and show up in the world. As she followed through on this invitation, her whole persona was changed as she tried to act in the way that she felt was her truest self. 

As we discussed her experience, she realized that she could have always been this way, but she was “waiting for permission” to become who it was she really wanted to be.

And the question I would ask her now is this… “From whom did you require permission” :)

If you have never sat quietly with yourself, and decided what you ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do with your life, I invite you now to have that discussion in the quiet solitude of your soul. 

Because I truly believe that there are so many people who are not sharing their gifts and their nobility with the world because they still believe they need someone to tell them that it’s ok.

If that’s you, then I implore you to give yourself permission to make the world a better place.

Who knows the lives you’ll touch, and the blessing you could be to another.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: In Scriptarum Veritas… (in writing, there is truth)

In Scriptarum Veritas… (in writing, there is truth). 

Back when I started this work, I had no idea where I was going with this. Honestly, I’m still not sure. Some people have recommended a book, others a Podcast. Who knows? I don’t as of yet. I didn’t really start with either of those in mind. 

I was just trying to make sense of my life, and writing seemed a way to work through some ideas. I didn’t even have a page back then, I was just writing and posting on my personal Facebook page. The pieces were smaller, and I was struggling to find my voice.

And over a year in, and I’m still struggling.

But it has helped me to find some semblance of peace, and has allowed me to unlock parts of me that have been dormant for far too long. It has forced me to challenge many of my deeply held truths, and even more of my deeply ingrained falsehoods; the kind that we carry as a shield for so long that we don’t realize it’s not how things really are. Those are the hardest to put down, because in doing so we have to open up to our vulnerability.

And I hate that with a passion.

Yet in writing, we become vulnerable. We open our minds, and share the things that we feel. Writing allows us to reflect on our lives and our experiences, but at a speed that allows us to process the emotional reactions that we have to any given situation, or thought, or idea. By learning our emotional responses, we come to understand more about ourselves. And the more we understand, the more we can heal.

All this from the written word. Is it any surprise that I married an English major!

So today, I am inviting you to write, but in a very special way. No edits, no backspace, no time to ponder. Just write stream of consciousness. Pick something that hurts, and set a timer, and just write, or type, or if you are very brave ‘dictate’, for about 10 minutes. No stopping, no long deep pauses. Just write what you feel, as dark or scary as it is, and let yourself be honest with the you inside of you.

If that seems daunting, just start and ask yourself questions. If you follow this work, you’ll know that I am a deep believer in questions, because I believe they are the way you move your mind.

So write as fast as you can. Use whatever language seems appropriate, even if it’s not necessarily the words that you would say in public. Ask yourself why it hurts; what the real ‘damage is’; what would your life be like if you could let this go; what needs are you fulfilling as you hold onto these thoughts and feelings; what would you gain if you moved forward; what would you risk; what would you sacrifice?

One of my favorites in coaching is “why are you allowing this to limit you” – have fun with that one.

This isn’t an assignment that you have to share with anyone, unless you feel very, very comfortable doing so. This is just for you, to try to help you move beyond where you are and into a kinder reality where you treat yourself better, and are more loving and gentle with the world. The more raw honesty you bring to this opportunity, the more powerful the outcome will be.

So please, humor me, and spend 10 minutes writing as fast and as hard as you can. When it feels difficult, just write, When you are scared, just write. If the tears flow down your face... just write.

Write until you understand you. And then you can start to heal.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Struggles We All Face

The Struggles We All Face.

Somehow over the past few days, I found a new addiction. I say somehow because I still can’t tell you how I got to the web page that led me down this particular rabbit hole. 

It was early in the morning, that time when my brain is somewhat awake and yet still finding it’s rhythm, and I must have clicked on a link somewhere that took me to a unique page. It was about a therapist who (with full knowledge and permission) has made a podcast of some of her sessions with her clients.

Does that sound wrong? It did at first to me.

Please understand this clearly. These recordings are edited so that unless you actually knew the people involved by their voices, you would never know who they are. The couples in therapy KNOW that the session will be turned into a podcast, and have bravely given their permission for these recording to be shared in the hope that we can all learn from them. 

I intensely respect their courage and honesty, and am deeply grateful for their willingness to bring into the light that which so many of us keep desperately hidden away in the dark.

They reveal their problems, and in this case, their more intimate problems.

Because in this age of perfection by social media, our perspective on problems has been distorted out of all semblance of reality. We see perfect couples, with perfect bodies, and perfect lives with their perfect bank accounts and perfect relationships. 

In response to this, we judge ourselves against their fraudulent façade and find ourselves failing in our faith, our finances, our fitness and our families.

Until someone brave enough comes forward, to drop all the pretense, and been seen for who they really are. Flawed, failing, fearful, and very, very human.

I’ve listened to 5 episodes of this podcast since discovering it, and each has left me deeply moved. My heart has wept with compassion for these brave souls, as they share their deepest pains and weaknesses. I’ve marveled at the experience of their therapist, who has tried her very best to build a bridge of understanding and communication between people who seem so very torn apart.

And I’ve also realized with a greater understanding that all of us, no matter the façade, have our problems.

While my problems may not manifest in the same way that theirs do, I have my own significant struggles. I’ve tried to share those to some degree within this work, so that you might see that I am sharing the truths I have discovered out of my own pain, my own trials, my own frustrations.

Because I deeply believe that we have hidden far too many of our human truths behind our fear of appearing imperfect, and the belief that we are not enough because of our imperfections. And that is causing us, as a society, so much pain and suffering . Because your trials are not a sign that you are unworthy, they are a sign that you are human.

So today, I ask you to forgive yourself for your struggles. 

You are not required to be perfect, because that’s a standard to which no of us can ever ascend. All that can be asked of you is to be trying, every day, to be the most authentic version of the best of you that you can be.

And you don’t owe that to anyone else. You owe the best version of you to yourself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings