When You Don’t Speak, My Fears Will Do It For You.
Last Friday, I wrote about the miracle of language, and our desire for more authentic communication in our intimate relationships. I invited you to talk with more depth and honesty, and to enrich both your life and theirs.
Today, I’d like to continue that thought with an understanding of what happens when you don’t speak, because this will cause more damage to your relationships than you can imagine.
You see, if you don’t tell me what you are feeling, then my fears and my insecurities will fill in your side of the conversation. And the chances are, it’s not going to be what you actually would have said, and it’s not going to enrich our relationship.
And the really scary part is that our brains can’t really tell the difference.
That’s why it’s so important for people to talk, and to be honest with each other. Because when you hold back in a relationship, for whatever reason (you’re scared, you don’t want to hurt your partner) what you do is leave a void that is going to be filled.
I wrote a long time ago about how silence cannot be misquoted, but it can be misinterpreted, and there is definitely a time for silence, but it’s not during a difficult time during an intimate relationship.
The more emotionally charged the conversation, the greater the likelihood that I will misinterpret your silence in a way that meets my needs (whether I am aware of it or not).
And those needs might not be what you think.
Because often times, our need for certainty (the ability to avoid pain in the future) is so great that we are willing to accept pain now rather than risk potential future pain in the relationship.
So rather than interpret your silence as something good, we instinctively choose a translation that is bad (painful for us) so that we can get the pain over with. I know that sounds messed up, because it is, but I guarantee that you have done this in the past. You just probably don’t know that you have.
So your silence translates to the worst possible thing that you could be thinking, even though you are probably not.
Given enough time, and enough ‘conversations’ in your partner’s head, your relationship becomes fractured through the things you didn’t say, and like I said earlier, after a while our brain can’t tell the difference between a painful emotional conversation had in real life, and one had only on the inside of your mind.
The more you talk, with kindness and caring honesty, the greater the chance that your relationship will not only survive, but thrive into the deep, honest, authentic and meaningful partnership that we all crave, but find so hard to achieve.
Speak the truths of your soul. Kindly, reverently, honestly and considerately.
The truth will set you free, but first you have to speak it.
— Dr. Alan Barne
@maddrbmusings