Morning Reflection: The Road to Peace

The Road to Peace.

There are times when I get discouraged in this world. From random people on the highway, to the very leaders who we entrust with our souls, I see so much anger, hatred, fear, arrogance, and worst of all, a belief in the righteousness of our own arguments.

Many times I wonder if we can ever come back from this precipice of destruction that we seemed poised upon.

And I don’t see many people advocating peace.

Today, as we remember the atrocity of 18 years ago, and the many lives that were taken then and since by the tragic illnesses that have befallen those who rushed in to help, we will feel sadness at the senselessness of the violence, and ask ourselves what we can do to stop this from happening again.

Some will suggest greater levels of violence, some will advocate further atrocities in the name of revenge. Some will desire more death, more bloodshed, and more destruction.

But I would humbly ask if that has ever solved the problem. Because what we are fighting against is the default nature of humanity. Not of a country, and not necessarily of a religion, but of the desire for violence and the silence of voices and actions contrary to what we believe. It’s as old as our species itself, and some days it shows no sign of stopping.

And while bullets can silence bodies, to silence a belief idea would require genocide.

Which some people seem to be ok with. Their ignorance terrifies me, because they seem to believe that you can kill your way to calmness, and destroy your way to your desires.

Those who advocate violence without understanding how it affects the world are the very people who may one day drive us over the edge of sanity, and into the darkness of desolation.

Because they will not let go of their sense of superiority.

Please understand, I am not saying that violence isn’t sometimes necessary; I am decrying those whose internal imbalances and lust for an imagined utopia unleash hatred upon humanity, and who believe that the end justifies the means. They exist in all religions, all races, all creed and all communities.

And today, I want to propose a way to remove them from their places of power.

Not by violence, and not by hatred. Rather, I believe that if we are to find peace, we need to begin with ourselves and our communities. We need to be the peacemakers, and raise the tone of our conversations and our lives so much that we create an essence of harmony, and a passion for peace.

We need to be better, kinder, more loving and caring so that those who desire to do harm to others will be seen for the aberrations that they are. We need to elect leaders who believe in a peace not of superior firepower, but of principles that balance the rights of the individuals with the needs of the world. We need to find the peacemakers, and bring their voices into the light.

Because each death, each act of violence, sows in time the repercussions that will come to pass.

The road to peace begins with each of us going inwards to silence the fear within us, and then sharing that peace outwards to those with whom we disagree, finding a way to exist together despite our differences. I’m not saying it will be easy, because it won’t.

I’m not saying that we won’t need the ability to defend ourselves, because that would be stupidity, and real peace is created by those who have a choice, not those who are too weak to defend themselves.

I’m saying we need to find our way to peace together, through talking, caring, loving and acting in a better way. I’m saying that if we truly desire to dwell in harmony, we need to find that in ourselves so that we can share it with others.

And that starts with each one of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrmusings

Morning Reflection: Where Should I Begin?

Where Should I Begin?

I didn’t know where to start, which is pretty scary for someone who thinks he communicates pretty well. Not knowing what to say, or how to begin a conversation that was so very painful and could change the rest of my life is not something I experience very often.

Anyone who knows me well will tell you that finding me speechless is not an every day event, and yet I honestly didn’t know what to say.

I had no idea how to begin.

Because I knew what I wanted to say, but part of me was so very scared that the person on the other side of the conversation was going to say things that I really didn’t want to hear.

So I was searching for the right words through the storm I found myself within, desperately trying to quiet my fears and trust in my abilities to do what was right, and say what was necessary, in the very moment that they needed to be said.

Which was, in reflection, probably the dumbest thing I could have done, because my reluctance to start this desperately needed conversation could have been interpreted in quite the wrong way, and made things worse rather than better.

And in reality, all I had to do was one simple thing. I just needed to start talking.

Because there’s a huge power in honest, true and heartfelt conversation. It doesn’t have to be perfect, in fact it’s probably better if it isn’t, because you can spend so long trying to get it right, that you never find the time to get it said.

The imperfect conversation spoken from the heart, sincerely and humbly, in the absence of anger and fear, has melted more hearts than the perfect phrasing and delivery ever will.

But those first few words can just scare you into silence if you let them.

So I started with the most honest words I could find, which was an apology. I realized that the way I was handling my hurt and my pain was not fair to the person on the other side of this equation, and so I began by expressing my acknowledgement that I realized that I could be dealing with it better, and an admission that my fears were causing my usual power of communication and compassion to fail.

And then I began explaining my side of what was wrong.

It came out somewhat differently than the words I had spent several hours crafting through the night before. I’d been up until 5am trying to find the right things to say, and discover the most humble, honest and sincere way through the problem as I saw it.

After about 2 hours of sleep, I arose and began my day, certain in the knowledge that the conversation was out there in front of me that day.

And when it finally happened, I found what I felt was a way through the darkness, and into the light.

Yet it could have gone so many other ways, had I allowed my fears and my pain to turn it into a confrontation that would have reflected poorly on myself, and the person I was talking to.

Thankfully, through a difficult and challenging process, a new understanding was reached, and a new direction was found. Where once there was darkness, there was now a glimmer of hope.

I didn’t have to be eloquent, or enchanting; I just needed to share what I felt to be real.

So today, my plea to you is to begin the conversations that you know need to be had. I get that they might be terrifying – mine was. I get that you might be scared – I certainly was.

I know that it can be painful, because mine definitely was, but I also know that the quality of our lives comes down to the honesty of our conversations and the sharing of our souls.

Because eventually, you know that you are going to have to have these conversations.

And there’s no better time to start than now.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life is Enough

Life is Enough.

I had the opportunity yesterday (Sunday) to help someone who’s daughter is struggling. As most later year teenagers do, she was struggling to find a sense of purpose and identity, especially since she had recently undergone a faith transition that had left a void of self definition in her life.

Overwhelmed and uncertain, the daughter was trying to find answers in a world that seemed full of possibilities.

I think we’ve all been there at some time or another.

The answer I gave her was probably not one she was expecting, and that in itself carried a lesson that I think I would like to share today.

As I counseled with the Mom, I suggested to her that she didn’t need to try to find a sense of value or direction for her daughter; rather she would try to help her daughter understand that we don’t need to be doing something or being something to have a sense of value in the world.

When we understand one simple truth, and let that flow across our soul like the dew rising in the morning, we’ll understand all we need to know to give ourselves an undeniable sense of self that needs no external reinforcement.

That truth is simply this: That ‘Life is Enough’.

If you are alive, then you have value. Sure, we don’t necessarily do a great job of communicating that sometimes, but just because we don’t speak a truth often enough doesn’t make it a lie.

Being alive, being a human being, being a consciousness that can grow, and adapt, and wonder, and love and share is all the value you’ll ever need.

And once you have a true sense of your own value, everything else in the world suddenly falls into place.

Because once your sense of significance (value) tops out at enough, you can face so many things in this world without worrying about being hurt by them. Failure becomes a factor of the situation, rather than a judgment on your worth.

A breakup becomes a realization of an incompatibility, rather than a statement that you weren’t good enough. Someone’s abuse of you becomes an expression of their emotional sickness, rather than a judgment of your significance.

Once you truly know your own worth, without regard to any and all external value structures, you become immune to so many of the problems of the world.

And yes, I know it’s a lot harder than it sounds, but it starts by going inward, and figuring out what you really feel about yourself, and then working on that. Truly spending time inside your soul is the greatest work you will ever do, for yourself and everyone around you. Once you know you, then you can begin to move yourself to a place of happiness and joy.

But I said there was a lesson in the answer, and I wanted to make sure I was sharing that with you as well.

Because a lot of the time, we get caught up in trying to find the answers to our questions, but we never take the time to question the basic premise of the questions we are asking.

Instead of asking ‘what is my purpose’ maybe we need to spend time asking ourselves why we think we need one. Rather than asking ourselves what should I be, we could be asking what brings me joy.

In place of ‘Am I Enough’, we should be asking why we need to judge ourselves.

Because your value in this world is not up for debate. You are you, and that is way more than enough.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Power is Where your Passion is

The Power is Where your Passion is.

What do you love to do? I ask this, because I see so many people who seem to have lost sight of what they love, and settled for sitting in front of a screen, playing mindless game, reading mindless posts and waiting for something to come along and give some light to the joyless monotony of their lives.

Dead while breathing, lost while knowing where they are, something has definitely left the building.

Maybe their dreams, their desires, or their determination.

I get it, I really do. Life can be brutal, and sometimes you just want to sit in the quiet of your own soul, and try to find a small island of peace in a world of chaos and confusion.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a moment here or there, but when you start to fall into the same habits, where nothing changes, and nothing excites you, then you’re just getting busy dying…

Which is a terrible way to live.

One of my favorite quotes about life actually comes from a guy who I feel sorry for, but who lived with an incredible passion. An orphan, adopted into a family, blessed by genius and yet plagued by demons, Steve Jobs was a man who lived his whole life trying to quiet the terrible feelings of being abandoned, unloved and unwanted.

But out of his pain, out of his suffering and out of his despair came this simple yet profound truth.

You’ve got to find what you love.

Because at some point in your future, you’re probably going to have some time on your hands to look back and try to figure out what you spent your time on. If someone were to ask you on your deathbed what you did with your life, what do you want to be able to tell them? I can’t think of a better answer than this….

I tried my best, to do what I loved, and it made all the difference.

Because once you find what it is that you truly love, be it art, or music, or helping people, or doing something crazy that just lights up your soul, that’s where the purpose of your life is, and that’s where your energy will come from.

If you’ve ever pursued a goal, become obsessed by it and focused on it to a level where everything else just melts away, then you know that limitless energy and intensity that comes in the pursuit of that thing that makes your heart sing like nothing else.

And that’s when your soul is on fire, and the whole world changes forever.

Today, as you arise, or whenever you are reading this, if you didn’t wake up with a dream for the day, without something to give light to your soul, then I beg you to change something in your life, so that you have something in your world to look forward to and to live for. Each day is a precious gift, each life an incredible blessing that we take far too much for granted.

Whatever your reason, even if it’s just the hope of something better to come, I want you to live that truth just as hard as you can.

Because passion is the key to a life well lived.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 23

23.

I realized today (writing on Sept 4th) that it was 23 years ago that I left England to fly here to America to get married. My fiancée (now wife) and I went through the fun and frustration of getting me a visa to come over as her intended husband, after we had met previously and then endured a long distance relationship.

Once I landed, we had 90 days to get married, and then for the next 2 years she could send me back anytime she wanted, with just one phone call.

How many women get to marry a husband with a return policy :)

But it’s been weird to realize that it’s been 23 years since I’ve seen the land of my birth. I haven’t been back, and my wife and kids have never been over there. People to struggle to understand that, because you’d think that I would have a desire to go back and show my family where I came from, but in all honesty I don’t. Or at least, I haven’t wanted to.

And I don’t know if that’s ever going to change, although I’m pretty sure I’ll have to take them back there sometime.

But it also made me realize that I’ve actually lived in America longer than I lived in England (2 years before all this happened, plus 23 more). Both countries have shaped me, and left their mark on me, and yet neither of them feel like home, and I struggle to understand if that is something that’s good about me, or something very wrong.

Because I don’t feel a need, or a desire for roots in the physical realm.

I think it frustrates my wife when I tell her that our house doesn’t feel like home, but it’s more than our house, it’s our city, our state, this country, or even this world. There are times when I feel so ancient and separate from humanity, like I’m watching it happen while never being fully a part of it. It’s as though it’s a game, an illusion, just another pit stop on the eternal highway to experience and learn from.

For me, a station, an airport, a long drive in the dead of night feels as much like home as anywhere else.

But I also realize that home is not a place, but people. Yet I also know that time and fate can change those things, so I try to celebrate and enjoy the important people in my life while I am with them, aware that there could be timelines stretching out into eternity where that may not be the case.

If you live with the idea that nowhere and no one is guaranteed forever, it helps to keep your awareness and gratitude rooted firmly in the here, and in the now.

Because here and now is all that you ever have, eternally evolving, ever changing.

The past 23 years have been an adventure. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes less so. Each hour, sometimes each moment, has brought change, and wonder, and experience and fear.

Life is a gift, a blessing, a chance to experience all that we can, and to find out who we are in the process. You’ll probably find things about yourself that you like, and others that fill you full of doubt. The truth is that you are you, and you are responsible for you, and to you.

You owe yourself the experience of experiencing life as much as you possibly can.

23 years have passed since England. There is no certainty nor guarantee of another 23 more, although I sincerely hope there is twice that and more.

Where those will be, no one knows. Who will be there, no one knows. I have my hopes and my dreams, my desires and my intentions.

But in the end, all I have is here and now.

And all I am is me.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Cruelty as a Part of Kindness

Cruelty as a Part of Kindness.

I chanced upon an old friend the other day. While it was wonderful to see him, it very quickly became apparent that he was struggling to avoid falling back into the emotional darkness that has plagued him for a long time.

As we talked, he was hesitant to share his feelings, and we had to work hard to get him to open up to himself in just a small way.

And he went back to his familiar narrative about his problem(s).

Which was to be expected, because the longer I’ve been helping people, I’ve come to a more certain surety that we all have our stories that we like to tell ourselves, because they reinforce the things we want to believe.

It makes us feel better about ourselves (although better often doesn’t mean healing) and keeps us from having to go deeper and face the things that we don’t want to know, even the things that terrify us to our core.

And my friend has a few of those deep inside his soul.

I allowed him a minute or so to get going with the story that I’d heard before, and then I did something which I’m sure he felt was pretty cruel, but what I know was essentially necessary.

I stopped him as he was speaking, and told him that what he thought was his problem was only a symptom of his problem, and that his real problem was something much deeper and more profound.

That his problem was within him.

I don’t recommend this as a way to help people, unless you’ve got some crazy mad people skills (which I kind of do) and a pretty solid relationship of trust with the person you’re doing it with (which I also do).

By picking up on the minutia of his body language, I could tell that I was still on relatively safe ground, as he stared at me from a place of pain and confusion, rather than a place of anger and aggression.

So I went deeper.

I explained to him that his inability to live with himself in a state of stillness and acceptance was his greatest problem. Many of his difficult interactions with others, his inability to be on his own for a long time, and his desperate need to control the relationships of his life were just the symptoms of the hole in his soul that was draining the joy and happiness out of him.

And as you can probably imagine, he wasn’t super happy to hear about that.

Because many of us struggle to accept the truth that despite the hand of cards we were dealt, it’s our responsibility to play them, which is incredibly unfair if the holes in your soul were caused by trauma not of your own doing.

We struggle with this, because we get into the subconscious mindset that solving our own problems is somehow letting the universe get away with being cruel to us.

Instead, people hold onto their traumas as long as possible, waiting for someone to come along and make right what was done wrong.

Not a situation you want to hold your breath waiting for.

So my friend is going to have to face the realization that if he wants his life to be different, he will have to give up his need to blame and his desire for recompense from the world and those who have ‘wronged him’.

He is going to have to lay down his addiction to self pity, and find a way to heal himself, so that he can live within himself despite the actions and beliefs of others.

Because healing yourself is truly how you find peace in the world.

Things are never going to be fair, never going to be perfect, and never ever going to be ‘made right’ by someone other than yourself. This life, this reality, is here for us to experience and learn, and to find a way of being at peace with ourselves despite a world, and a universe, that isn’t kind and doesn’t care.

The only way to peace is through accepting yourself where you are right now, and then doing the work to get to where you want to be.

And being ok with the process as it unfolds.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Wisdom in the Waves

Wisdom in the Waves.

I’m an ocean boy. Growing up a 10 minute drive from the ocean meant that I spent a lot of time by the water. Not necessarily on the beach because it was England and yeah, it turns out hypothermia is a real thing, but sitting and listening to the crashing of the waves, the different sounds as the tide comes in and goes out and the relentless movement of the water day or night, come rain or shine.

The ocean is my friend, my healer and most of all, my teacher.

Because there’s a lot that you can learn, sitting in quiet reflection with the waves to guide you and carry you into the places in your soul that resonate with the water.

There’s a strength and a life to the ocean that lifts me up, and an eternal nature to the waves that allows me to measure the events and experiences of my life against the immense background of the timeline of the universe.

Which is an incredible lesson, and maybe for another day.

Today I want to focus on the lesson of one particular beach. It’s on the coast about an hour below San Francisco, a few minutes’ walk from a small parking lot. The pathway isn’t particularly pretty and once you get to the beach there’s no particular beauty to the coastline that draws your eye.

There is just the beach, the cliff, the massive waves and the rocks they pound you into if you’re crazy enough to go out there.

The beach is named Mavericks, and it’s killed some of the surfers who try to ride there.

If you ever get to see it with the waves at full height, you’ll soon decide that anyone who goes out there is crazy, which I’m sure they are. But the surfers share a lesson in their example as they place themselves into harm’s way, ready to risk their lives for the ultimate wave. The lesson is simple yet powerful, suicidal yet profound.

You have to find something that you love, and then do it as hard as you can.

Because once you hit that wave, you have to give it everything you’ve got. Failure to invest in the dream that has brought them to that wave will mean death for the surfer, because the ocean is an indiscriminate killer.

Once you start that ride, you better give it every ounce of everything you have, or it will be the last ride you’ll ever know. But when you invest the totality of your soul into that moment, riding the edge of eternity in a wave that is essentially trying to kill you, you’ll know life at a level beyond the everyday and the ordinary.

And the lesson is that you’ve got to give life your all.

Because you get one go at this that we know of. Sure, some people believe that you will live again, and who knows, maybe we will, but I can’t imagine a worse death than realizing that there was so much more you could have done, if only you had decided to go all in on your dreams, and see if you really are as good as you would like to think that you can be.

Sure you might fail, but you might also fly.

Because the other lesson from this beach is that life has moments when you are either on top of the wave, right at the crest, and other times when you are down in the trough, with an immeasurable amount of weight about to drop on you from on high.

All of us go through our highs and our lows, but it’s what you do when you’re there that matters more than anything else.

Rejoice when you are at the peak, and hold on when you are in the trough, because the wave will pass if you hold in there long enough.

This any many other lessons have been taught to me by the winds and the waves, sharing their wisdom and wonder without price and without favor.

Teaching their lesson to all who will listen.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: That Which You Could, but Don’t

That Which You Could, but Don’t.

I have a couple of patients who are so inspirational, they just amaze me every time I see them. Although they are advanced in years, they are both in incredible physical condition.

Both of them have exercised for years, and are careful in their dietary choices. It’s not an exaggeration to say that either of them could completely out work me in the gym, and I am significantly younger than both of them.

But this post isn’t about being healthy.

Because I also have a friend who is incredibly successful financially. At age 19, while most of his friends were out partying and being ‘teenagers’, he began a business in his garage then eventually turned into a massive company which he was able to sell and travel the world, or at least until he got bored of living without a challenge and started a whole new company.

Because he loves to thrill of bringing his ideas to life, and serving people with his abilities.

The thing that links these remarkable people together is not their intellect, nor their inherited physical abilities. It’s certainly not their education level, nor their faith nor their backgrounds.

There’s one simple thing that stands out in their lives that has enabled them to go above and beyond what you normally find , and into the realm of being truly amazing.

They did something.

Which sounds simple, yet is the single biggest difference between the lives of people who are happy, and those who just complain about everything.

Because rarely do I find those who are busy doing things complaining about life, and rarely do I find those who are complaining about life to be doing anything worthwhile or extraordinary. And I think it has to do with the mindset of those who ‘do’, rather than those who ‘don’t’.

Those who complain are essentially admitting defeat, and looking for sympathy.

Now, before you pick up your pitchfork and hunt me down, let me clarify so you understand. When I say complaining, what I mean is essentially asking for sympathy about a situation that you could change if you decided to, but don’t, either because you don’t know how, or you’re scared to try.

Talking about a problem to understand it better, or to ask for help in executing your solution, or even trying to find a solution is not complaining. Those are all problem-focused conversations, and people who are ‘doing something’ have those all the time.

But complaining, just because you want the attention – that’s just cyanide to your sense of self.

And before you think I’m being cruel let me tell you, I’ve been a complainer, and was for many, many years. I can tell you from bitter painful personal experience that complaining does nothing for you, except diminish your soul, and damage your psyche.

The only antidote to it is self awareness, and then self actualization.

If you want to feel good about yourself, you have to do things for which you can feel good about.

And I’m guessing if you have a deep, long and honest conversation with yourself, you know there are things that you could do, but aren’t yet. Maybe it’s losing weight. Maybe it’s saving instead of spending.

Maybe it’s working on the things you need to, instead of wasting time on the internet looking at all the things you want to do, but can’t yet, because you haven’t DONE the things you need to, to be able to afford the things you want to do.

You know what I’m talking about don’t you? :)

So today, my invitation to you is to DO something. Whatever it may be, however it can affect you, the difference in your life is not what you could do, but what you are actually doing. The people who have the lives that stand out, are the people who stood out, while everyone else was too busy blending in.

I don’t think you’re one of the people, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this work.

Most of us have a 3-day weekend ahead of us, and even those of us who don’t still have the time to DO something.

May we make it count.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Incredible Power of a Focused Intention

The Incredible Power of a Focused Intention.

I fought against writing this one. I really did. Partly because I know it’s going to annoy at least one person in my life (sorry) but mostly because the things I’ll write about today are kind of personal and easy to misinterpret if you want to.

But after starting several other posts, and only getting 1-2 paragraphs in before experiencing that feeling that the time wasn’t right, I’ve come back to this post to say what I really feel.

So this is me, being honest, and maybe a little too woo-woo for you.

I believe in the energy of the universe. Not the material energy that we harness to power our daily lives, because that’s just there, and doesn’t require any belief.

The energy I believe in is that which exists in a different manner, a more elegant and yet incredibly frustrating model where we struggle to see it, and yet can see the effects in our lives if we are willing to.

And please understand, I’m not talking about a faith in a Deity, that’s between you and your God. This is the reality of an energy that is created and sent forth into the universe through a determined, focused, harnessed and strengthened will, with visualization as its pattern, and emotion as its fuel.

Oh, and action, don’t forget that. Lots and lots of action.

Because the deeper we dive into quantum mechanics, and discover incredible things such as quantum entanglement, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that there is an energy field within all matter that can respond to the other energy fields with which it interacts.

The actions that you perform with the right intensity, the right intention, can create a cascade of causality that changes things around you.

I know what that sounds like, but anyone who’s practiced this kind of living will tell you that it’s true.

We’re even beginning to see scientists study this phenomena. Both at a quantum level, and at a macroscopic outcome in the world, the truth of the power of your intention is beginning to be understood at a whole new level, and the results are fascinating, and in some ways frightening.

I say that because the more you understand, the more you’ll realize how carefully you have to guard your thoughts and emotions.

Because you can truly change your world for both good and bad, by the thoughts you think in your head.

I’m not trying to convince you here, but let me ask you this. Have you ever met that person who just seems to be able to make things happen?

Their results always seem to be more than the sum of their efforts, as if the universe senses what they are doing and leans in to lend a hand. I’ve known a few of these people, and it’s almost as if they make their own luck, as if there were such a thing.

As if their actions, backed up with a strongly focused intention, and with lots of emotion, invite the Universe to play along, and for some reason the Universe can’t seem to resist.

So today, I’m going to invite you to consider very carefully the energy and intention you are putting out into the universe.

Because somewhere, somehow, in some crazy way, the Universe is listening, and you’ll get what you put out there. If you complain, you’ll get more things to complain about.

If you are grateful, you’ll have more things to be grateful about. It’s really that simple, but in an incredible, mindblowing, complex and mystifying way.

The universe is really ours to mold, if we will just be willing to focus our hearts, sharpen our minds, and do the work.

The rest is just a part of your story.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why Does That Person Bug You?

Why Does That Person Bug You?

Come on, let’s be honest here, you know who I mean.

There’s probably at least one person who just gets under your skin, and not in a good way. That person who, no matter how hard you try, is just uncomfortable and difficult to be around.

They might be a family member, or someone you have to work with, or even just someone you meet from time to time at a church, or social, or civic function.

And you’ve realized that the two of you are never going to be more than acquaintances, no matter how hard you try.

Which, by the way, is perfectly ok. Sometimes people just don’t mesh, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There is however a lesson that awaits you, if you want to learn it, and if you’re prepared to be a little honest with yourself on your way to the understanding that it sitting so patiently for you at the end of a corridor of self reflection.

You just have to open the door, and start walking.

A good friend recently came to me, and asked for my help in understanding why she had a particularly hard time with a certain acquaintance of hers, one who we both knew.

She asked me why this certain person, a woman, was so difficult for her to relate to, and how she could find a way through that difficulty to at least be at peace with her.

She had recognized that they were never going to be good friends, but she sought a more compassionate place from which to interact with this woman, one more in alignment with her values and aspirations.

So we began the journey, as usual, with a question.

I asked my friend what this woman represented in her mind. My friend stopped, and looked at me sheepishly and quietly offered the word ‘frustration’. I asked her to explain the type of frustration, to be more specific in her definition of why this person was frustrating.

After a few minutes of this type of question and answer, we arrived at the understanding that this woman frustrated my friend because the woman’s own emotional trauma left her less concerned, and less compassionate with other people than my friend was comfortable with.

In short, this woman can be pushy, and my friend doesn’t do well with that at all.

Because my friend has been surrounded all her life by people who taught her (not intentionally, but by their messages) that she should not stand up for herself, and saying no was not something a good person did. My friend has been taught to put herself second, and to put everybody else first.

Which as you can probably imagine, is a pretty frustrating way to live.

As our conversation progressed, my friend was able to realize that the woman who annoyed her was not doing so out of a desire to be mean, but out of her own need to control everything in a life that had made her feel powerless, and so she pushed out of pathology, against my friend who was taught to allow others to have their own way.

The kind of combination I call ‘Bad Lego’, because the pieces fit, but in a way that serves to hurt one or both of the parties involved.

As we talked, my friend became aware that her desire to avoid feeling like she had to give in had led her to be uncomfortable, and thus avoid, anyone who pushed for whatever reason.

She was also able to reach a greater understanding and a higher compassion for the woman who bugged her so, realizing that it was her own issues that were contributing to some of her struggles, and not all of it the fault of the woman who was trying to survive her own private kind of hell.

That moment of attainment, when understanding creates peace and compassion, is still the greater experience I have ever known. It’s why I do what I do.

So now it’s your turn. Who bugs you, and why?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Greatest Truth I’ll Probably Never Share

The Greatest Truth I’ll Probably Never Share.

That’s right – I doubt I’ll ever share it. It’s taken me a long time to come to that conclusion, because 99% of the time I truly, passionately and deeply believe that truth needs to be shared as much as possible.

We live in such a world of make believe social media, parsed communication, spun information and outright lying on the internet that this world needs truth like a drowning man needs oxygen.

But this truth – not one that can be easily shared.

I saw a video a few weeks ago that stopped me in my tracks, and left me overwhelmed and amazed. It wasn’t a video that I would have ordinarily watched, but as I was pursuing an answer to a problem, it happened to pop up as a recommendation, and since I was getting nowhere in my pursuit, I figured I’d take a moment to allow the randomness that is the universe take me on a journey.

And some things, once you’ve seen them – you can never go back again.

If I were to explain who the presenter was (they are not a famous person), you’d probably look at me and do the German Shepherd head tilt. It’s definitely not someone you would expect me to listen to.

The title of the talk was curious, again not usually something that I spend my time researching, and yet what I learned was the answer to a question that I had been asking for a very long time.

And the presenter answered this age old question of mine in one sentence. And that was all it took.

By now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I won’t go into further detail about this. After all, if it was so powerful, surely it would be of benefit to others. My guess is that it really would, but only in a very few cases.

Not that this truth isn’t applicable in a huge number of lives, because it is. I considered sharing it with everybody I could think of at the time, but then I stopped as a sudden realization took hold of me.

Some truths can’t be taught, they have to be learned.

Because if I had shared this answer with people, I really think that those who needed to learn it would likely dismiss it. It’s not an easy truth to learn, and I really believe that it’s a truth you have to be seeking before you can appreciate it.

You have to really, truly, humbly and deeply WANT to know the answer before you can accept it. If you hear it before you’re ready – chances are you’ll ignore it at best, or be outright angry and hostile to it at worst.

So it’s a matter of time, and preparation.

And it got me to thinking about how many times I may have heard the answers to my problems, but I wasn’t ready. Maybe I didn’t know it was a problem, or maybe I wasn’t ready yet to hear the answer.

Possibly because I was too caught up in self pity, or just didn’t want to face that I had a responsibility within the problem, because it was far easier to blame someone else for all that was wrong in my life.

So the truths I needed were possibly ones that I missed, time and time again.

Which is why I’ve decided that I’m going to hold onto the truth that I learned in that video. There may come a time when I share it with a person or two, but only when I think they are truly ready, and truly seeking.

Maybe it will be in a coaching session, or maybe in a late night crisis phone call when someone’s life is burning down, and they’ve come to me for any help I can provide.

But it’s use will be careful, controlled, and very, very compassionate.

Today, I invite you to listen to the world around you, and see if you can find solutions that you might need, but not want to hear.

The truths we need are usually all around us.

If we will only have ears to hear, and hearts to understand.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Power of Naming Your Demons

The Power of Naming Your Demons.

In ancient mythology, knowing the name of a demon gave you power over it. From summoning it, to controlling it, to dismissing it, all you had to know was its proper name, and you had it all.

I find it fascinating that it was language, just the simple use of words, that gave you power over something so powerful.

Because language is often the first thing we lose when we feel powerless.

I learned recently that this happens because during trauma, when we feel at our least powerful, the area of our brain that controls and directs language, called ‘Broca’s Area’ tends to function in a very low power state, essentially reducing our ability to describe our situation in a meaningful way.

I think this is also who we struggle sometimes to properly describe how we feel in a traumatic, painful situation.

Which leaves us no words to decode and re-frame the event later.

I don’t know how many times I’ve worked with people to properly describe the feelings that they have around something painful or shameful. I think a part of my purpose here is to help give words to those who are in pain, so that we may together allow them to experience healing. It’s an incredible thing to watch, and a humbling thing to be part of.

Because the words we think with control the truth of our lives.

Several years ago I worked with a client as she struggled, and I mean struggled, to improve the quality of her relationship with her mother. As we worked through several different and unique processes, we kept coming back to a point where she could only say ‘because I can’t disappoint my mom’.

That was where she was stuck at. This intelligent, kind and educated woman, who herself is very adept with language, was reduced to the words that could have been uttered by a 5 year old.

And she could go no further, as though her brain had just stopped working.

Which was a sign to me that in that moment, as we took her into her deepest fears, her brain was reliving some trauma, and all she could do was describe her fears with her eyes, her gestures, her increased heart rate, and her obvious discomfort.

It was a difficult thing to see, and obviously a much harder thing to feel. Finally, after some tears had been shed, we worked through the process of giving words to her emotions, and the effect was powerful.

Because once we gave a name to her demons, we could call them forth, and help her have power over them.

Because her fear of disappointing her mother really came down to a fear of being abandoned. I don’t think her mother was ever that type – but in the eyes of a 5 year old, a mother’s disappointment can easily be experienced as a rejection, and being rejected by the very person who keeps you safe from the world leaves you open to the possibility of being left alone, vulnerable and afraid.

And it was this trauma that was holding my client in its thrall, unable to speak its true name, and unable to grow past its limitations.

Once she was able to understand that she was safe, and that the fear was unreasonable, she began to grow forwards, and move beyond the blockage that was controlling her life.

Now, she has an incredibly close relationship with her mother, who never intended for her daughter to feel that way. It’s a wonderful thing to see.

And all possible because we gave words to her fears, names to her demons, and called them forth into the light.

If you find yourself controlled by fears that you cannot name, by things that you struggle to describe, I invite you today to sit quietly and comfortably, and try to find words that feel like they apply.

It might not be easy (I very much doubt it will) and it might be frustrating, but I promise you that being able to name the demons that control you is the first step on the path to overcoming them.

And finding your own joy in the light.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Difference in Your Definition of Good

The Difference in Your Definition of Good.

It starts out so innocently. You know what you feel to be right. Maybe not why you know it yet, but it’s there. This certainty, this absolute knowledge. You don’t question it because it feels so good to be this sure, this correct that it lights you on fire.

Without question, without hesitation, you move forward, with the answers that you need, wrapped in the sustaining belief that you what you are doing is the one thing that gives you the permission to do whatever you think needs to be done.

Fear those who do good without reference to the truths of others.

There’s nothing more destructive in this world than those who feel like they have the force of goodness, or of righteousness behind them.

From the idealist who sees no ideology other than their own, to the believer who launches armies in the surety of their faith, this world has suffered more death and destruction, more pain and persecution, more hatred and horror than anyone could have imagined, from those who thought that the perpetration of their power was backed by the rightness of their ego.

And it doesn’t seem to be slowing down.

From politics to religion, from nations to families, the belief in our own goodness, our own infallible reason, leads us to the dismissal and the disavowal of those who disagree, cocooning ourselves in the enveloping fantasy of being in right in a universe that seems so full of wrong.

The more we harden our hearts against the opinions of others, the further we manifest the madness of the ages, proving to those around us that they are right, and we are wrong.

Go back and read that last sentence again please. I need you to understand it well.

Because the times of peace that we have enjoyed for the last few years are in desperate danger of becoming nothing more than a fantasy of a bygone time, a relic of melancholic remembrance lost in the darkness of a crushing confusion where cruelty, conviction and chaos have overwhelmed the strains of listening, loving and laughing together.

Unless we turn back the tide together, and weld together a peace borne out of a unity not of belief, but of life, a partnership not of ideas, but of respect, a willingness to understand before being understood.

We have to stop asking others to live our truths, and respect that they have their own.

Not an easy thing I grant you, but nothing worthwhile ever is. Respecting the truths of other requires us to dig deep with our souls and tap into that wellspring of humility than is a part of our humanity, allowing it to wash away our differences in an outpouring of love and kindness, desiring for those who are different what we most desire for ourselves.

Peace, love and understanding.

Because in all my years, (and it’s not just the years, but the mileage that counts) I’ve never seen peace created through shouting, happiness through hating, nor love through misunderstanding.

If we truly want to find peace in the world around us, it has to start within us, reaching out to enveil and encompass all those around us.

We have to find a better way to live with one another.

If we are to keep living at all.

(If this has moved you today, I ask that you share this post with any and all who you think could use to hear this message.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sorry About This Morning

Sorry About This Morning.

I apologize for there being no reflection post this morning. It seems that I acquired a nasty case of food poisoning (suspected salmonella) on Tuesday evening that left me completely wiped out Wednesday. I'm doing a little better today, so hopefully I will be back to writing tonight.

In the meantime, I hope you have a fantastic day.

— Alan
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Stand

Stand

I’m tired tonight. Tired because of a lack of anything looking like decent sleep over the last few nights. Tired of the rat race that we think is the way to happiness; when it’s just another way to lose your soul in the corporate excess of a million things you don’t need, to fill the holes in your soul that you don’t understand.

Tired of the people who are so certain that they are right, that they demonize and denigrate anyone and anything who disagrees with their point of view.

But most of all, I’m tired of the unkindness I see in people who proclaim to know better.

And I get it, I really do. In a world so complex, so overflowing with potentials and possibilities that it’s hard to feel certain about anything, it’s only natural to want to find something to hang your faith upon, be it your ideology or your theology.

And if that works for you then great, knock yourself out, but stop hitting and hurting everyone around you with your moralistic interpretations of what’s right and wrong.

Using your vaunted ‘righteousness’ as a bludgeon to hide your cruelties and insecurities.

We have enough people who ‘know’ what they believe and elevate themselves above the crowd, and far too few people who are willing to stand up and admit that they don’t know, but that they’ve found a way to make peace with the infinite chaos and complexity of the universe.

That they are able to sacrifice their need to ‘know and be right’, and are instead willing to ‘love and possibly be wrong.’

Because we are fast approaching a point where we’re going to fracture what’s left of our families, our societies, our communities and our countries in our nihilistic desire to find an external solution to our internal longing to be sure, and to be loved.

And unless we find a way back from the precipice, it’s going to go wrong.

So tonight, as I sit here having had maybe an average of 4 hours of sleep per night over the past few nights, and not much more than that for many nights past that, I’m just about done with all of it.

But my solution, instead of getting angry, or baring harsh words as weapons in a war of ideas, is to lay down arms, and pick up the one weapon I have that I can unleash without fear of damage, or worry of pain.

I’m going to hit everyone with all the kindness I’ve got.

Because I don’t know what else is going to have any effect. Can I beat them in an argument – probably, but it’s going to increase their enmity in a world that has far too much of it already.

Can I prove them wrong – possibly, but until they feel loved enough to listen, my words will fall as seeds on the hard ground, unable to grow, and eventually worn down underfoot and trampled into oblivion.

But kindness, love, respect, compassion and a deep, honest desire to stand in this world of nightmares and shine the light of a new day into the hearts of all whom I see and know – that is something they’ll never see coming.

Which is why I think it has a chance to work.

So I’m going to double down, and go all in on my desire to make the world a better place, and ease whatever suffering I can.

I realize I might be one man, standing at the water’s edge, trying to hold back the tide of humanity against the never ending gravity of time, but stand I will.

If I can make a difference in one life, and leave ripples in the lives of every person that one life touches, my struggle will not have been in vain, but I hope to do so much more.

So this is me, rising to stand.

Watch me. Because I’m done with sitting still.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Strength of Serenity

The Strength of Serenity.

I have the most amazing friend. I’ve known him now for a couple of years. I don’t see him that often, only when he comes in to get treated in my office, yet his ability to make an impact in my life is not limited to the time that we have spent talking. I honestly believe that he is one of the greatest people that I have ever met.

And he probably has no idea why I would say that.

Because if you saw him walking down the street, you probably wouldn’t notice him. Chances are you would walk by this guy in the store and not pay any attention to him.

But if you sat and talked with him for a while, you’d realize that he is probably one of the most kind, humble, genuine, decent and honorable men you are ever going to meet.

He is a man who seems to have his life figured out.

And I’ve been trying to learn from him at every opportunity I can, because it’s not immediately apparent what has led to his goodness. Sure, he has a strong faith, but I don’t know that that’s it.

He never pushes it, never really talks about it unless you ask him, and even then he doesn’t evangelize or preach. I’ve met other people of his faith, and while they were good people, none of them radiated the calm, compassionate presence that he brings.

And I have met a few other people of his goodness who were not of his faith.

In talking to him today, I think I stumbled upon the answer. It was something that he mentioned in passing, while he was explaining something else to me. He wasn’t trying to draw attention to it, because as good a man as he is, he probably thinks it was nothing.

At the moment he said it, I was completely unaware of the magnitude of the words he had spoken, but as I replayed our interaction in my head later in the day, his words finally impacted me in the way that they should have done.

He had spent several years just in serving others.

This good man, a man I look up to and respect, had given several years of his life in the service of others, with no thought of a return for himself.

In doing so, I think he found the balance for which we all seek, between our responsibility to ourselves, and our service or responsibility to others. I don’t know how much of his humility came from his service, or how much was just the good man that he is.

All I know is that he appears to have found a deep wellspring of serenity in his soul through serving, and it gives him an amazing strength.

When you talk to him, you feel like you are being appreciated. When he listens, he does so to hear you, not just to wait for you to stop talking. When he speaks, you realize that he is sharing the deep truths of his soul without guile, without judgment, and without desire, other than your well-being, your happiness, and your life.

In short, he is the kind of man I want to ‘grow up to be’.

Because he is exactly the kind of person who we need more of in this world. Someone who has found the peace in their heart to love without judgment, care without conditions, and serve without selfishness.

His quiet example should be published from the rooftops, and held up as an example to everyone around him.

But he won’t do that. He probably doesn’t have the time, because he’s busy serving somebody else, in his own quiet, kind, peaceful, serene and benevolent way.

I am so grateful to my friend for the lessons he brings me every time we meet.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why Do You React to Possibility?

Why Do You React to Possibility?

You know that feeling don’t you? You read something, or heard something, and suddenly you’re getting angry, or scared, or happy, or frustrated or whatever. You have no way of knowing whether it’s true or not, and at that point you don’t even care.

Whatever you just heard, or read, or saw was just enough to make you emotionally seize it with a deep and passionate psychological embrace, and now you’re off, believing whatever you want to believe.

Because it gets you the emotions that you want.

I’ve done it. I heard something recently about someone with whom I have a pretty nasty history, and a significantly unsettled emotional balance. What I heard was right in line with my beliefs about that person, and immediately, before I could even catch myself, I was off running.

Thinking about how this person is someone who has so many character flaws, and is obviously not as kind, or patience, or ‘as enlightened’ as me (yeah, you know you’ve thought that one).

I was judging this person, because that judgment made me feel better about myself.

Sitting here this morning, a couple of weeks after I heard and reacted to that piece of information, I saw other people exhibiting that same emotional runaway about a piece of information that was posted in a Facebook group.

They have no way of knowing whether the information posted was true, but they were reacting to it with all the self righteous judgment and superiority they could muster.

Because it fit their narrative, and made them feel the emotions that we all like to feel.

I wrote a while ago about how anger is heroin for the selfish soul, because it enables us to meet so many of our human needs. From significance, to connection, to certainty (and even sometimes for variety), the further we are from being truly balanced and mature in our emotions, the more we will crave these feelings.

From an angry teenager who is acting out, to a bitter elderly person who cannot get their own way, there are so many people who will believe anything that they read, because they are craving an emotional hit to make them feel better about themselves than they do right now.

And it’s destroying our families, our communities, our country and our world.

Which is why I preach self awareness, and kindness. Self awareness is the only true antidote that I know for the problems that beset us as individuals, and as a species.

Imagine if one day everybody awoke with an internal sense of peace, of balance, or gratitude and of kindness. Imagine what a world we could create then, if we were flooded with joy rather than jealousy, balance rather than bullying, compassion rather than cruelty, and hope rather than hate.

But we have to start with ourselves.

So today, I invite you to try to understand why you want to react to something, especially if it is only a rumor. Even if you are sure that it’s true, with every fiber of your being, you could be completely wrong, but following the emotions that drive your desires, and sometimes your demons.

Whether or not it’s true is secondary in importance to why you want to feel that way about it.

When you learn why you want to feel that way, you’ll have learned something of incredible value to yourself, and the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Solitary Refinement

Solitary Refinement.

As a person who spends a lot of time working with other people, I sometimes find that it’s been a long while since I’ve had any time alone. Not just time spent in the car by myself, but actually having a few hours to spend without anyone else around.

Time to think, time to reflect, and time to try to make the changes in my mind and my soul that I feel are important.
Because we all have things about ourselves that we are working on, or should be.

But it’s hard to do that kind of work when someone else is around.

Even if it’s just my wife Holly or one of my sons in the house, there’s this psychological noise present that seems to block me from being able to fully relax, slow down, and listen to what my mind is saying (or screaming). It’s only when I am truly alone that I can begin to unravel the deeper mysteries of myself.

But solitude is only the first component.

Because you can sit quietly all day, and not make any significant breakthroughs if you’re not listening in the right way, or knowing what to listen for. Even then, once you’ve found something, how do you know what to do with it?

Every new understanding is merely a starting point for a new line of questions, but if you don’t know what to ask, the new knowledge is of limited value.

So let me share my process with you, and see if it has any use for you.

I start by sitting quietly, and just trying to hold myself in a place of peace. This is so much harder than it sounds, because almost immediately my mind will launch itself down a rabbit hole.

Once I have caught myself in that place, I try to ask myself why I am drawn here; what emotion is driving me to think in this direction. Is it fear, is it desire, is it anger, is it love?
It’s usually a combination of many things, but it’s better to start simple and follow one thing.

Suppose that I decide to examine the thought through the prism, or the lens, of fear. I ask myself what is it about this situation that I am afraid of? Is it physical pain, or an emotional one?

All fear is based on a wish to avoid pain, so I try to understand what about that thought can produce pain for me. Do I fear looking foolish (loss of significance) or of losing someone in my life (loss of connection)?

Or do I fear losing a portion of control over my life (loss of certainty).

When you start to analyze your thoughts through these type of prisms, or lenses, you begin to get a better idea of who you really are. You can start to see patterns of psychological dysfunction, uncover your limiting beliefs, see the cracks in your emotional foundation, and realize a pathway to peace based on a greater self awareness.

But all of this takes time, and a place of solitary refinement.
So today, I invite you to consider creating your own place of solitude, and beginning your practice of self awareness and healing.

I promise you that the more you are willing to go deeper into your soul, and discover and recover the truth of who you are, you will find an increase of calming and uplifting peace in your heart, and a greater willingness to share that peace with the world around you.

Because if we are going to heal our world, our countries, our cities and our homes, we have to start by healing our hearts, so that we might be able, in kindness, to heal another.

Until there is peace in every place, and the world will know joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Time to Fall

A Time to Fall.

Living in a somewhat rural area, you get to see things that you probably don’t see in the city. One of those is the never ending cycle of growth and harvesting of the many different crops that are farmed.

There’s something comforting a reassuring about watching corn, or mint, or potatoes sprouting, reaching maturity, being harvested, and then seeing the field covered with snow and ice in the winter.

The relentlessness of nature is reassuring, or to quote a phrase from my younger son’s favorite film franchise…

“Life finds a way”.

But I find myself drawn to the lesson of the changing of the seasons. This last week I have seen those changes in others, and in myself.

The passing of a wonderful friend, young in spirit although older in years, teaches me the lesson that although time can seem infinite in the moment, there will come a time for all of us to reflect, and move on to whatever awaits us. This lesson teaches me that I should value every day, and make use of it in any way I can.

For my dear friend, this season has come to an end.

Another good friend and her husband are about to enter the “empty nester” season of their life, which is full of blessings and challenges. A reduced energy and food bill, a cleaner house and more peace and quiet are juxtaposed against a possible sense of loneliness, a loss of purpose, and a transition in their relationship as their children move into a new season in their lives.

The lesson is that relationships change, and we need to honor those changes rather than fighting against them.

A coaching client is moving into a different season in her life, as she contemplates the transition into a relationship that could bring her incredible joy, or possibly change a friendship that has been a staple of her life for many, many years.

I think she has realized that she has to make a decision of which season to enter, and although the choice will could be one of the most defining ones of her life, it is not without risk, or fear.

And the lesson is that sometimes we can choose our seasons, and sometimes we must make the choice even though it scares us.

And as for me, I am moving into another season myself.

For almost 3 years I have been trying to find a direction of focus, a decision of purpose, that has eluded me every time I have tried to find it. I have struggled, been frustrated, felt lost, and sometimes very dispirited, feeling that I had to transition into the next season, the next evolution of me in order to find the peace and happiness I have desired, but not knowing what that evolution was supposed to be.

Until now.

I won’t talk about it just yet, because the idea, and the season, is very young, and I’m protecting the fragile seed as it grows, but I think the next season of my life, and my purpose, is finally upon me.

Part terrifying, part exhilarating, this evolution brings with it an incredible chance to meld together so many disparate loose ends into a thread that hopefully will be the resulting definition of my life, and allow me the opportunity to impact and serve in a way that is both meaningful, and humbling.

The lesson of this season is that you always have to keep searching for what it is that you feel like you were born to do.

And then do it, as hard and as powerfully as you can.

Because one day, we will all enter the final season, and hopefully we can do so having lived our lives to the fullest, and touched so many hearts along the way.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: To Act, or be Acted Upon

To Act, or be Acted Upon

How many choices do you make in a day? Hundreds, thousands – or very few. I have a strong suspicion that you make a lot. Some of them big, some of them small, and occasionally some of them will be so important that you’ve agonized over it for a long time.

Yet many of us also give up our ability to choose more often than we would like to admit.

And your ability to choose is really all that you have.

Because as a conscious entity, a sentient person, someone who is self aware, you are here to act, or be acted upon. And that’s your biggest choice, but one that we often don’t want to hear about, because it carries with it a tremendous responsibility.

Once you accept that almost everything in your life is a choice, you have to accept that the outcome of your choices is on you.

You may not control the events, you may not control the consequences, but the way you react to a situation is almost always up to you.

I know – you don’t want to hear it.

You may have just flashed over any number of possible situations and thought to yourself ‘well, that reaction is not a choice’ – and you’d probably be wrong. Because unless the reaction is hard wired into your nervous system (and some are) you had a space between the recognition of the stimulus (event) and your reaction to it.

Because you get to decide what things mean, and then you get to decide how you want to respond.

I hated learning this. I still remember the good man who tried to teach it to me, and I wonder at the patience he must have mustered to deal with my hard headed, abrasive and honestly pretty rude reply to his lesson.

Truth was, I didn’t want to hear it, because if I wasn’t responsible for my feelings, then I couldn’t be held responsible for my anger, or self pity.

I didn’t want to give up the nice story line I had going in my head, which made me the victim, and deflected any responsibility to deal with my emotions.

I’ve found that time has a way of teaching us lessons that we don’t want to learn. Time teaches slowly, and often very painfully, but if you live long enough, it will get the job done.

By the end of that lesson, you’ll wish you had chosen the easier path of learning when someone tried to offer it to you, but you’ll have learned the lesson. I did. It took many years. I wish it hadn’t.

I was allowing myself to be acted upon, rather than acting.

Because acting can be scary. Actually doing the thing you know you need to try carries with it the risk of failure, of judgment, of ridicule. There’s the possibility that you’ll lose a chunk of self respect, and more of your precious time along the way.

So yeah, it’s safer, and a lot easier, to sit in that little place of darkness in the corner that you’ve carved out with your story, and not act, allowing life to act on you.

But eventually, that leads to regret, remorse and revulsion at the knowledge of all that you gave up.

Every moment in your life is a choice. You breathe on reflex, but you don’t have to think that way. If you open up your mind, and start to see through the prism of self awareness, you’ll be amazed at the ways you can train yourself to think differently, feel differently, and act, rather than reacting.

Imagine being in control of yourself to such a degree that the only things you said were in alignment with your highest ideals, your strongest ennobling emotions, the very best person you know that you can be.

If you wish to act rather than react, you have to find awareness in self-contemplation, knowledge through self-study, peace through self-acceptance, and love through self-worth.

Once you have become you all over again, you can act from the very best of yourself.

And know peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings