Cruelty as a Part of Kindness.
I chanced upon an old friend the other day. While it was wonderful to see him, it very quickly became apparent that he was struggling to avoid falling back into the emotional darkness that has plagued him for a long time.
As we talked, he was hesitant to share his feelings, and we had to work hard to get him to open up to himself in just a small way.
And he went back to his familiar narrative about his problem(s).
Which was to be expected, because the longer I’ve been helping people, I’ve come to a more certain surety that we all have our stories that we like to tell ourselves, because they reinforce the things we want to believe.
It makes us feel better about ourselves (although better often doesn’t mean healing) and keeps us from having to go deeper and face the things that we don’t want to know, even the things that terrify us to our core.
And my friend has a few of those deep inside his soul.
I allowed him a minute or so to get going with the story that I’d heard before, and then I did something which I’m sure he felt was pretty cruel, but what I know was essentially necessary.
I stopped him as he was speaking, and told him that what he thought was his problem was only a symptom of his problem, and that his real problem was something much deeper and more profound.
That his problem was within him.
I don’t recommend this as a way to help people, unless you’ve got some crazy mad people skills (which I kind of do) and a pretty solid relationship of trust with the person you’re doing it with (which I also do).
By picking up on the minutia of his body language, I could tell that I was still on relatively safe ground, as he stared at me from a place of pain and confusion, rather than a place of anger and aggression.
So I went deeper.
I explained to him that his inability to live with himself in a state of stillness and acceptance was his greatest problem. Many of his difficult interactions with others, his inability to be on his own for a long time, and his desperate need to control the relationships of his life were just the symptoms of the hole in his soul that was draining the joy and happiness out of him.
And as you can probably imagine, he wasn’t super happy to hear about that.
Because many of us struggle to accept the truth that despite the hand of cards we were dealt, it’s our responsibility to play them, which is incredibly unfair if the holes in your soul were caused by trauma not of your own doing.
We struggle with this, because we get into the subconscious mindset that solving our own problems is somehow letting the universe get away with being cruel to us.
Instead, people hold onto their traumas as long as possible, waiting for someone to come along and make right what was done wrong.
Not a situation you want to hold your breath waiting for.
So my friend is going to have to face the realization that if he wants his life to be different, he will have to give up his need to blame and his desire for recompense from the world and those who have ‘wronged him’.
He is going to have to lay down his addiction to self pity, and find a way to heal himself, so that he can live within himself despite the actions and beliefs of others.
Because healing yourself is truly how you find peace in the world.
Things are never going to be fair, never going to be perfect, and never ever going to be ‘made right’ by someone other than yourself. This life, this reality, is here for us to experience and learn, and to find a way of being at peace with ourselves despite a world, and a universe, that isn’t kind and doesn’t care.
The only way to peace is through accepting yourself where you are right now, and then doing the work to get to where you want to be.
And being ok with the process as it unfolds.
Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings