Why Does That Person Bug You?
Come on, let’s be honest here, you know who I mean.
There’s probably at least one person who just gets under your skin, and not in a good way. That person who, no matter how hard you try, is just uncomfortable and difficult to be around.
They might be a family member, or someone you have to work with, or even just someone you meet from time to time at a church, or social, or civic function.
And you’ve realized that the two of you are never going to be more than acquaintances, no matter how hard you try.
Which, by the way, is perfectly ok. Sometimes people just don’t mesh, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There is however a lesson that awaits you, if you want to learn it, and if you’re prepared to be a little honest with yourself on your way to the understanding that it sitting so patiently for you at the end of a corridor of self reflection.
You just have to open the door, and start walking.
A good friend recently came to me, and asked for my help in understanding why she had a particularly hard time with a certain acquaintance of hers, one who we both knew.
She asked me why this certain person, a woman, was so difficult for her to relate to, and how she could find a way through that difficulty to at least be at peace with her.
She had recognized that they were never going to be good friends, but she sought a more compassionate place from which to interact with this woman, one more in alignment with her values and aspirations.
So we began the journey, as usual, with a question.
I asked my friend what this woman represented in her mind. My friend stopped, and looked at me sheepishly and quietly offered the word ‘frustration’. I asked her to explain the type of frustration, to be more specific in her definition of why this person was frustrating.
After a few minutes of this type of question and answer, we arrived at the understanding that this woman frustrated my friend because the woman’s own emotional trauma left her less concerned, and less compassionate with other people than my friend was comfortable with.
In short, this woman can be pushy, and my friend doesn’t do well with that at all.
Because my friend has been surrounded all her life by people who taught her (not intentionally, but by their messages) that she should not stand up for herself, and saying no was not something a good person did. My friend has been taught to put herself second, and to put everybody else first.
Which as you can probably imagine, is a pretty frustrating way to live.
As our conversation progressed, my friend was able to realize that the woman who annoyed her was not doing so out of a desire to be mean, but out of her own need to control everything in a life that had made her feel powerless, and so she pushed out of pathology, against my friend who was taught to allow others to have their own way.
The kind of combination I call ‘Bad Lego’, because the pieces fit, but in a way that serves to hurt one or both of the parties involved.
As we talked, my friend became aware that her desire to avoid feeling like she had to give in had led her to be uncomfortable, and thus avoid, anyone who pushed for whatever reason.
She was also able to reach a greater understanding and a higher compassion for the woman who bugged her so, realizing that it was her own issues that were contributing to some of her struggles, and not all of it the fault of the woman who was trying to survive her own private kind of hell.
That moment of attainment, when understanding creates peace and compassion, is still the greater experience I have ever known. It’s why I do what I do.
So now it’s your turn. Who bugs you, and why?
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings