Morning Reflection: The Lesson of the Chauffeur

The Lesson of the Chauffeur.

Do you have a favorite movie? In our house we have many. Some because they are historical and moving, some because they have large monsters battling other large monsters or robots, and some because they are just perfect in their own way.

Maybe they teach a principle, maybe they make us laugh, or maybe, just maybe, they take us to another place and time, giving us a perspective that we otherwise would never have had.

One of these is Sabrina (the Harrison Ford/Julia Ormond version).

It’s a classic love story, of billionaire meets unlikely love interest who has undergone the transformation from an unattractive duckling to a beautiful swan (you know what I mean).

Sure, it’s predictable, but it’s wonderful, and one of the greatest characters is the father of the beautiful swan, a chauffeur known only as Fairchild.

Because the chauffeur is the only one who seems to have his life worked out.

At one point early in the movie, the young Sabrina is narrating her life, and she talks about how her father loves books. He loves to read, in fact so much that he took a job as a chauffeur simply because it would give him more time to read.

He didn’t try to make a billion dollars, and he didn’t set out to change the world, yet he understood more about life than anyone around him.

He simply found what he loved, and lived his life to be able to do that as much as possible.

I’ve watched that movie so many times, often as background while we’re working on something, or cleaning the house, and yet it was only recently that I realized just how profound Fairchild’s life is.

He has found something that makes him happy, and he’s doing it. Not for the attention of others, or for accolades or fame. All he needs to be happy is time, probably a warm blanket, and a really good book.

One of my mentors recently said that ‘waking up in a good mood’ is a great definition of being successful.

Because if you’re happy, then you’re happy. I’ve known people with a lot of money who are sad, unhappy, chasing fulfillment through the next dollar, or the next acquisition, and they never find happiness.

Imagine having worked so hard for so long, and being worth say $5 million dollars, and yet never finding joy, a sense of fulfillment, or the peace that comes from accepting yourself and receiving love from those around you.

I can’t imagine a worse way to live.

And then there are people who don’t have that much in the eyes of the world, and yet they awaken every morning, happy, thankful, grateful and joyful. They go out into the world sharing love and happiness, laughing and smiling along the way.

They’ve found what makes them happy, and they are doing it. Not for the accolades of the world, and not for the money, or the power, or the prestige, or the fame.

They do it, simply because it makes them happy.

If you awoke this morning and you were happy and in a good mood, then congratulations. You’re much further ahead than many people in this world. If you’ve found what makes you happy, and it’s within your own personal morals and ethics, and it’s not hurting anyone else, then you owe it to yourself to do that as much as possible.

Because I honestly believe that the ONLY way we find peace in this world is to become a society that values happiness, kindness, authenticity and genuine humility much more than we value money, or fame, or power or real estate.

Find what makes YOU happy, and do that as hard as you can.

You owe it to yourself, and also to the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The ‘Sins’ of Our Generations

The ‘Sins’ of Our Generations

You are a product of so many things. Your genetics, your experiences, your choices. In those 3 categories are encompassed so many possibilities that the universe would probably grow cold before we had finished discussing them.

Yet one thing resonates across all 3 of those in a rather strange manner, and imprints on us in ways that I don’t think we’ll ever fully understand.

Because time leaves its mark on all of us.

And I’m not talking about the increasing wrinkles on my face, not the gray hairs that seem to sprout daily upon my face. Even though time weakens all of us in its own way, it’s greatest contribution to our evolution is the way that we are confined within the ‘time in which we live’.

It shapes our understanding, our beliefs, the way we act and even our vocabulary.

We also adopt the thinking of our generation.

Which is both good and bad, because we can become caught up in a sense of superiority over those who have gone before, not realizing that those who are coming after us will likely view us through the same lens of judgment that we ourselves use now. For each generation learns new things by standing on the shoulders of the one that came before.

And we can see the faults of their generation as strongly as we are blind to our own.

Sometimes we get so caught in those faults, that we can lose sight of the fact that they may have been trying their very best with the information that they knew. It’s very easy to look at the actions of someone else and consider them malicious, when all they were was malignant.

All of us have done things that we thought were right, only to find out later that we were, in fact, very wrong.

Once we begin to judge, we unintentionally begin to close off many avenues to wisdom that may reside within those who may not see things quite as we do, yet see them with a perspective that we have not yet achieved.

If we decide they have no value, because they do not see as we do, then we isolate ourselves from what we may learn, and find that we end up learning some of their lessons over again ourselves.

Lessons we may have avoided had we listened rather than judged, learned rather than ignored.

Before we judge those who have come before us for their differences of view, or their well intentioned actions with which we do not agree, perhaps we should offer unto them the same level of understanding that we will one day be requesting of someone younger than ourselves, asking for forgiveness for “knowing not what we did”.

Every generation blames the one before, but it doesn’t have to.

Because if we can within ourselves find the peace to accept our own mistakes that were made of ignorance and not malice, maybe we can find also the kindness, the honestly and the forgiveness that we owe those who have made mistakes before us.

Forgiveness is an essential step on the pathway to peace; one which you will never reach your destination without.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Statue in the Middle of the Maelstrom

The Statue in the Middle of the Maelstrom.

I’ve always been impressed (and a little bit jealous) of people who could remain calm in the middle of a crisis. I’m sure you’ve seen them. It’s often someone who has a little mileage on their soul, though not necessarily a large number of years.

They usually acquire this skill as a result of many different experiences; very few of which were fun and enjoyable.

But they have learned to be calm during the presence of a storm.

As someone who grew up surrounded by chaos, it’s a skill I’ve had to learn and cultivate, and I’ve had a considerable amount of practice. The funny thing is that I’ve realized that I kind of like chaos.

I don’t like that bad things happen, but I love the lessening of restrictions that chaos brings, because when things get fluid, opportunities become more frequent.

But that’s really not stillness, that’s kind of a selfishness (I still have a long way to go).

The real stillness comes when you can be unaffected in your core by the events that are unfolding around you. Those people are the ones who I would like to emulate. They are able to be focused and calm because they need nothing from the events that are transpiring, and they also cannot be shaken in their core by them.

Which is an incredible place to be at in your soul.

And as I’ve watched those people, the still ones, I’ve seen that there are a few characteristics that seem to stand out in each of them; ones which I’m trying to emulate in my life.

Firstly, they are incredibly honest. They tell it like it is, or at least, the way that they see it. But interestingly, they seem to do this in a way that shows compassion to others, without diluting the truth.

They speak what they feel, while without holding judgment on all.

Secondly, they are aware of themselves at a level that astounds me. The further I go into understanding myself, the more it seems there is to unravel. So while I find out more about myself, I still struggle to understand the whole of me.

But the third aspect that’s different is the one that I think most of us struggle with more than anything else.

They have accepted themselves, and found peace in that.

Which isn’t yet one of my strengths, although I’ve been making some headway into that recently. Partly because I’ve been through some things that have pushed me into an acceptance of things I cannot change, and partly because I’ve been able to realize that many of the things I struggle against are similar to things that many other people struggle with.

So while my recipe might be different, the basic ingredients are the same.

Ultimately, those who are still in the moment of chaos are so because they have balanced compassion for others with an all encompassing acceptance of themselves.

Being honest, and seeing the world through clarity of calm, not a filter of desperate need, they are able to act from a deep wellspring of peace, of principle, and most of all, of power.

Because the person who needs nothing, can give everything whenever they choose to.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Suffering from Memories

Suffering from Memories

I heard that phrase recently, and it kind of stopped me in my tracks, and started me down a rabbit hole that took way more time out of my day than I had to spare. Ever had that happen?

I think it struck me so hard because so many of us have things in our past that we’ve never fully put to rest, experiences that still haunt us in ways that we are aware of, and in ways that we are completely unaware of.

I know I have my share, and I’m pretty confident that you do as well.

It got me thinking of the ways that these memories hurt us, even though they could be many years, if not decades old. I think the first is that reliving these memories is painful in and of itself.

I have memories of events that happened in my life that pop up every so often, and with them comes that same feelings of pain and/or sadness that accompanied the actual event.

Even though the pain upon remembering is less than at the time the event actually occurred, it still hurts.

But I think the other way that these memories affect us is far more insidious, and far more damaging. Because after we experience any event, our brain tries to create a meaning from that event.

The more intense the emotion surrounding the event, the stronger that event, and the deeper the subsequent meaning we take from it is stored in our nervous system.

And the greater the meaning we take from the event, be it good or bad.

So if you experience an event that is very painful, and your brain decides to take from that experience a meaning that is self defeating for you, that limiting belief, based on a bad memory, gets deeply encoded in your nervous system.

So deeply that over time, you won’t even question it. Because it’s covered by the scar of a painful memory, chances are you’ll never open it back up to clean out the emotional wound, so that belief just sits there, day after day, year after year.

Destroying your happiness, and devouring your peace.

Until finally you reach a point where you have to open that wound, and clean it. It’s hard, because so many times we don’t have the tools necessary to understand and decode it. We just have to work through the feelings that come, trying our best to understand what happened and why we feel the way we feel about it.

Until hopefully we are able to come to a place of peace, both in our memories, and our beliefs.

I think it’s a lifelong process, coming to terms with the memories we suffer from, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait the rest of your life in order to increase your joy, or feel a greater measure of peace.

Thankfully, every memory we make peace with allows us a greater freedom to love, and be love. Every limiting belief that we are able to break through frees up more of our life to be explored, envisioned and experience.

Because the memories that we suffer from today need not be so powerful tomorrow, and the happiness and peace we find today, may be greater tomorrow than you can now imagine.

You just have to believe in yourself, and do the work to find peace with who you are.

—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Hush

Hush.

I had a wonderful, heartfelt conversation with a couple of friends yesterday. These are two people I admire greatly, while at the same time marveling at their strength, their courage and the depth of their relationship.

As we talked, I felt inspired to share a few thoughts that I hope helped them, in what little way I can, and as they shared their thoughts with me…

they resonated with a conversation I had had with another friend earlier that day. It’s funny how the lessons for these reflections find a way to repeat themselves through the day, until I finally pay attention.

Both times, we were talking about conversations.

Not the fun easy ones, but ones that are difficult to start, painful to have, and sometimes devastating to hear. These are usually the conversations we put off hoping that there will be a better time in the future, or that circumstances will change so that the conversation is different, or need not happen at all.

Sometimes that works out, most times it doesn’t.

But as we talked, I began to realize that the common thread running through our discussions was that these conversations are often hardest of all to have because in some way, they force us to accept something that we don’t want to.

Sometimes it’s because the conversation in some way is a reflection of one of our own failings, which makes us feel bad, while other times we are trying to ‘fix something’ in the conversation, and our failure to make that happen makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Did you see the common thread in both of those scenarios?

The thing that stops most of us having the conversations that lead to a deeper sense of connection and love is usually our own ego. I know mine has stopped me from having conversations with Holly that would actually make our lives better. I also know that it goes both ways, and there are conversations that she has avoided because of the way they make her feel.

The hardest thing to do in conversation, it seems, is to sit and listen without bringing your feelings along for the ride.

In the movie “The Last Samurai”, Captain Nathan Algren is captured by a band of Samurai. Taken to their village, he is allowed to train with them, and during one sparring session with a wooden sword, he is repeatedly beaten, until a young man counsels him to have “no mind”.

He points out that Algren is minding so many things during the training fight that he cannot focus on what he needs to actually focus on, the sword and the movements of the person in front of him.

So it is with us in a good conversation.

Because if we truly desire a deep connection and communication; the kind that heals the heart, washes clean the wounds of another, and allows us to see the reflection of our soul in another, then we need to become better at laying down our ego, and desiring to listen more than we desire to speak.

For when we speak, we only reinforce that which we know, but when we listen, we learn the truths and trials of another.

So today, I ask you to enter into a deep conversation with someone close to you, by leaving yourself behind, and just listening to what it is they have to say.

You’ll be surprised how different they will feel as you listen intently, with a desire to truly understand them.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Default Human

Default Human

Is it nature, or nurture? Is this something we’ve picked up along the genetic highway over the last 5000 iterations of our genetic code, or just the byproduct our human interactions in our very small lifetime?

Where does the border between personality and programming begin/end, and is there ever a way to understand it until we give up our need to judge, and simply observe ‘what is’?

I honestly don’t know – so if you have any ideas, please feel free to share.

I ask this because I have had some very interesting interactions with people over the last few days, and a couple of them have really made me realize some of my own issues. I’m still trying to understand whether these are a nature thing, a nurture thing, or just dumb negative associations that I picked up along the highway of life and am still holding into, like a 48-year-old with a pet rock that he still thinks has value somehow!

No, I don’t own a pet rock, but I think I have several stupid internal dialogues that I would like to switch for a pet rock 🙂 if I could.

One of these is that I can never allow my personality to go full force, for fear that I will make some terrible mistake and cause some irreversible damage. I don’t know where this started – although I can hazard a few guesses.

Wherever it came from, it controls my actions to a degree that I am not necessarily aware of, and I can’t work out yet whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing.

Notice I didn’t say ‘right or wrong thing’.

Because I’m sure that at some time, some terrible mistake has been prevented by not going all in on something, yet I am also aware that there are times where that could have worked out very well.

The truth is that I would like to have that decision made consciously, rather than subconsciously. Slowly, very slowly, I am learning to bring that choice into the light.

And although it controls me still, it’s grip is slowly loosening.

Another belief that is buried deep in my nervous system is that when things go right, and reach that point where they are going really well, something will go wrong. As if a moment of excitement, joy and happiness somehow summons a cosmic force that will create something bad right on cue.

And invariably, whenever things go well, something will come along that fulfills that belief.

Until I realized that bad things and good things are two sides of the same coin, and you never get a continual supply of one or the other.

I feel to share this today so that you can see that everyone has their hang-ups, and their idiosyncrasies that make no sense, and that are grounded in either nature or nurture. Sometimes we beat ourselves up over the very things that everyone else suffers from, but very few people talk about.

If you find yourself controlled by thoughts such as these, please know that you are not alone… And you don’t have to feel ashamed or somehow insufficient about it.

Because none of us are perfect. Everybody that you look up to, everyone that you think is somehow better then you, smarter than you, more successful than you or in some way or another more than you has their share of issues, hang-ups, problems and pain. They just might not be up to sharing then.

The truth is, we are all default human, on our journey to become whoever we are going to end up being. It’s not a race, it’s not a trial, and it’s not a scam.

This is life, and you have just as much right to it as anyone else.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Transitional Evolution of Happiness

The Transitional Evolution of Happiness.

I fell in love again this weekend. My sweetheart was with me when it happened, so I think it was ok. 🙂We were driving through pine trees bathed in sunlight with a backdrop of clouds, seeing the eternal grandeur of rivers, rocks, and the incredible complexity of nature that thrills and astounds in the same breath.

For a few hours this weekend there was peace, and a harmonious sense of wonder and gratitude.

Have you ever fallen in love with life all over again?

And it occurred to me that there was a time in my life where I would have missed every moment of the beauty before me. The younger me would have been bored by the car ride, because he would have been waiting to get somewhere, to do something, or buy something.

He would have been focused on the next, the new, the never-ending desire for better, greater, faster. In short, he would have always been looking for something else…

Without realizing that it was all right there in front of him.

I spent time this weekend, in our home away from home in the mountains, thinking about the purpose of life. There are so many people who claim to have a recipe for your happiness, by doing this, or following that.

And while I appreciate their good intentions, I’m coming to feel that it’s just a little childlike to believe that what makes me happy might work for someone else.

Because what I want changes through the seasons of my soul.

I once heard it said that the purpose of life was to find your purpose, and while I agree with the concept, I think that it might also be that the purpose of life is to find happiness in spite of a purpose.

Because while serving a purpose can give us a strong sense of identity and even destiny, I think there is something incredibly life affirming to accept that you can be happy, truly peaceful and happy, in a way that does not need a grand purpose or destiny to support it.

Life in itself might be the happiness of existence.

And that happiness will change as I endure and experience. Maybe future me will read these words years from now, and remember the feeling of happiness and find it yet from a different source.

Maybe it will be in the knowledge of who I have served, maybe it will be sitting on my back porch watching the sun set over the lake, or feeling the thrill as I climb my plane through the heavens, watching the world fly by beneath me.

Who knows. I certainly don’t.

Maybe it will be the simple joy of writing another piece of this work, and hopefully helping you to find your own happiness in whatever way works for you.

A younger me would never have thought that this could bring me happiness, and yet here I sit, night after night, writing, erasing, rewriting, and finding a picture to match the words that have come forth of their own accord.

Happiness, it seems, can be found in things that we never would have expected, if only we give ourselves the freedom to follow our hearts into whatever they desire.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: That Which I Have to Give

That Which I Have to Give.

A guy I consider somewhat of a mentor challenged me today. Not personally, because he’s a multimillionaire, and I’m not exactly in his social circle yet 🙂 but he put out a video in which he suggested that we should just focus on giving value, on helping, and on just doing what we can for others.

And it got me thinking about you, the people who faithfully read and comment on this work, whatever it is.

And I asked myself, what value do I have to give.

Sure, I can write. I think after close to 400 pieces of this work, I’m pretty confident that I can stream words together in a way that makes sense. But somehow, I don’t feel like that’s enough.

If I’m to really give value to you, I feel like I need to do more than just write a pretty sentence or two, coupled with a beautiful picture.

But words and pictures by themselves have no worth, unless they communicate something of value.

So I asked, what else can I give you, and I came to an understanding that part of my gift to you in this work is hopefully a better understanding of who you are, and how much alike we really are.

So many times we feel like we are alone, or the only who faces a certain type of problem, yet in reality there are many who struggle with the same things you do.

Which means that part of this has to be honest in my struggles and my successes.

Sharing is still not enough though, because in order to really give you something worthwhile, I have to not only show you that we all struggle, but I need to help you find your own answers, your own solutions to the things which reduce your peace, and increase the noise of the world in your life.

In short, I need to help you improve your life, if I am really to give value in this thing that I do.

And so I must share, without reservation, the things that I believe can help you the most.

Which leads me to share the things that I’ve found that help others, and by doing so, hopefully help you. Since we can’t control the world outside, the only thing that you really have any control over is your own mind, your own soul.

So if you are going to change yourself in any meaningful way, you only require two things…

Self awareness, and a solution to the problems you find there.

In my desire to serve you better, I want to start focusing more on solutions, not just the awareness part. Because like I’ve told you before, the ‘Aha’ moments are not the end of the journey, but rather the starting point for another journey, fueled by desire and directed by questions.

Because ultimately the problems you face generate the questions that map the pathway to the peace you deserve and desire.

Because the only way this world will come to know peace is when it is written in every heart, spoken in every voice, heard in every ear, and resonated in every soul.

So I will try harder to bring you the peace we desire, and hopefully, fill your soul with joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Noise

Noise.

I think it gets louder every day. I’m not talking about the sounds that I hear, although I could be.

With more and more electronic devices, more and more voices screaming to be noticed, and more and more vehicles on the freeway on my drive to work, silence in the environment is starting to become a rarity, a premium.

But that kind of noise is easy to escape, if only for a short period of time.

The kind of noise I’m talking about now is different.

It’s the noise of a thousand unresolved questions that linger on the outskirts of your awareness. It’s a multitude of clever comebacks that you wish you’d had at the time of a disagreement, or that the things that you wanted to say that were too afraid to speak the truths of your heart.

Or maybe it’s the fears you carry for a future that is undetermined, and possibly unkind.

These are the noises that echo through your soul as you try to find peace.

So it’s no wonder that we are beginning to hear the groundswell of a chorus begging us to return to the present, through the practice of mindfulness and meditation.

As someone who has tried sitting quietly, calming my mind revealing my soul, I’ll tell you that a thousand unexpected thoughts clamor for my attention whenever I try to focus on something as simple as breathing.

But if I am to find peace in my mind, I have to strive for peace in my soul, and ultimately peace with the world around me.

One of my mentors once taught a very powerful truth that has stayed with me, and I have tried to live closer to the concept every day. He teaches that we need to stop trying to meditate, and instead view our lives as a meditation.

He questions how we can expect to have peace in our soul when we are not a piece with the world around us, with the people we come into contact with, and with those whom we serve.

And sometimes that peace is very difficult to find.
So I’ve begun looking at my life through a simple question, it one that has forced me to understand myself at a much deeper level.

As I begin to filter all of my choices through this question, I find that I am more honest with myself, and more aware of my weaknesses, my needs, and my fears. One small question has brought into sharp focus so many areas of my personality, shining a light into the darkness in revealing the depths of my soul.

“Will this bring me peace?”

Because if each action, each purchase and each word spoken in every moment lived are focused on creating a peaceful life, then maybe I can find within the tranquility of a peaceful mind.

Maybe if I can bring all the different avenues of my life into balance, I can arrive at the point of meditation that requires no effort and no focus, just a quiet acceptance of a life in balance and at peace.

Somehow I don’t think this will be easy, but I think it will be incredibly worth it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Don’t tell me, help me feel it

Don’t tell me, help me feel it.

Have you ever tried to tell a woman she’s pretty when she doesn’t believe you? If you have, I’m guessing you’ve done it more than once, and you get the same response every time.

A polite thank you, followed by a statement of disbelief. No matter how you try, no what words you choose, telling them a thousand different ways makes no difference in the world.

Because what you’re telling them goes against what they feel.

I reconnected with an old friend this week, and in explaining my absence, I confessed that I had been struggling with a significant sense of ‘imposter syndrome’ (where you feel like you aren’t skilled, or qualified, or ready to do something you want to do) about a project we had discussed.

From a place of kindness, and total sincerity, she told me that I was “the real deal”, which sounds a lot like the words a different friend told me… that I was ‘the real goods’.

And while I know they are sincere in what they say, I don’t feel it yet, so their words fall on deaf ears.

It’s taken me a long time to learn this, and still sometimes I fall back into my old habits, but telling someone something you want them to know that seems obvious to you is not going to get you anywhere.

Especially if the person is a victim of some kind of trauma, and has a poor self image; telling them what you see will only reinforce their position of themselves.

If you really want to help them, it’s going to take time, patience, and a sincere ability to be present for them.

Because the only way to serve them is to start off by listening to what they really feel. You might not like it, in fact you might vehemently disagree with what you are hearing, but until they feel heard, they will never hear you.

Even then, they might not want to believe what you are telling them, but if you’re lucky, and in the right place at the right time, they might just listen.

Which is when the magic begins.

Because to help someone feel what you want them to understand, you have to create opportunities for them to see the world differently, and most importantly experience it differently.

There are various ways to accomplish this, each one depending upon the situation you find yourself in, but they all have a central theme, or core running through them.

The person has to trust you enough to be open to suggestion, and then you offer ways for them to test out the knowledge you want them to understand.

Because their testing leads to experiences, and from experiences, we generate meaning, and from meaning we derive the truths that we cling to, real or imagined.

So the next time you feel the urge to tell someone something that seems obvious to you, but which they don’t believe, try asking a question instead of stating your truth.

Their truth will always be more important to them than your truth, until you give them a chance to experience reality with a different interpretation.

Because in our minds, our interpretation of experiences, and the meanings we create from those, are everything, until shown a different path.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Overcoming the Greatest Fear in the World

Overcoming the Greatest Fear in the World.

Do you struggle with this fear – I’m guessing you do. It’s not everybody’s number one fear, which is dying, but I think this is the greatest in terms of the most prevalent on a day to day basis.

It’s experienced by almost every person on the planet, and drives many of our decisions, and thereby many of our actions. This fear restricts and regulates so much of what we do, or say, or even think.

It’s hardwired into our brains, and will work against us, unless we take the time and the steps to overcome it.

From my perspective, in the work I do with people, their most frequent fear, the one that impacts their life more frequently, is simply the fear of the negative judgment of other people.

It could be a spouse, or a parent; a child or a friend; an employer or an employee. It could even be the possibility that someone you’ve never even met could look at you in a way indicates their sudden negative opinion of you.

And for some people this is paralyzing.

In school I had to take a speech class. As someone who has never really struggled with speaking in front of others, I was amazed and somewhat bewildered to see people having anxiety attacks, hyperventilating and nearly vomiting over the idea of standing up in front of other people and talking.

It occurred to me that their fear wasn’t about the actions they had to perform, but the opinions that others could hold of them after they had done it.

And the fear of the negative opinions of others is hardwired into our brains.

Because if enough people around us hold a negative opinion of us, then we can become isolated, ostracized and left out of the pack, defenseless and vulnerable.

While it isn’t really a huge risk for us these days, our brains still act as though it is, and we can experience the emotional pain of fear and an unrelenting sense of shame, unless we decide to do something about it.

Until we decide to put our own opinion first.

Because most of us don’t spend the time, or the energy, to really formulate and solidify our opinion of ourselves. We allow the thoughts, ideas and opinions of others to determine our self worth, leaving us open to pain and manipulation when we could be listening to their thoughts and opinions, unencumbered by an emotional reaction.

When you are secure in your opinion of yourself, you can observe the opinions of others without reacting to them.

I don’t mean to make this sound easy, because it isn’t, but so often when I teach people that they can rely on their own opinion, and that it is possible to find peace within yourself and with those around you, people look at might with disbelief and a certain level of discomfort. Being your own source of acceptance flies in the face of all that we have been taught.

Because it made us easier to control, and more likely to conform.

So today, I ask you to consider what your opinion of yourself is really like, and to decide if you have made peace with the person who you see in the mirror.

If not, ask yourself if it’s time to really take a good look at who you are, and begin walking the path to knowing, owning, loving and accepting the person who you have become, and are yet still becoming.

The pathway to peace begins when you start learning who you really are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: 7:41 AM

7:41 AM

As the squirrel ran along the back fence in our garden, Cocoa, our wonderful silver lab, went flying through the grass on a direct line for the rodent. She seems to take it as a personal affront that the squirrel runs with such impunity in her back yard, in her domain.

It leaped from the fence into a tree, and then waited until Cocoa had walked away, and then jumped onto the fence again.

I secretly think the squirrel is trolling our dog, as it repeated this action several times.

Each time Cocoa would watch with the intense focus that she displays for critters, delivery men and anything that could possibly turn into food (which by her definition is anything that anyone else is eating that they haven’t actually swallowed yet), and go running after it as fast as possible.

But there was one thing that was different this morning, and that difference really got me thinking.

She never barked.

Usually, she will run after that squirrel barking at the top of her lungs, growling and generally disturbing the peace.

But at this time, 7:41 am on a beautiful, warm, quiet Sunday morning, with the wind gently rustling the trees and me sitting on our porch swing in the garden, she was as silent as she could be. I wondered about this a lot, because it’s so completely out of character for her.

Was she, like me, just enjoying the peace and quiet of a quiet morning reflection?

I honestly don’t know how introspective a dog can really be, yet this was such a strange behavior for her. I tried to understand what could have possessed her to remain silent, because she’s not normally one to hold her tongue, especially not when there’s a squirrel involved. As I sat in quiet wonder, it occurred to me that she is far more attuned to the world than I give her credit for.

And maybe, I can learn something from her.

Because she always seems to know when we are going out, as a family. Even though we try to behave very nonchalant, giving her no clues, if we are going out as a family and we’re not taking her, she’ll go into her kennel, lay down, and stare at us in hopes that a large bone will soon be arriving in her future. There’s something that she senses that we are apparently completely unaware of.

Because we trust so much to our logic, our communication, and our vaunted human judgment.

And yet, for most of the life on this planet, they get by without it. The squirrel doesn’t use trigonometry or calculus to determine its flight path when jumping from the fence to the tree. The birds that fly in and out of our yard do not understand Bernoulli’s principle of flight, nor have advanced degrees in aeronautics.

They just simply ‘know’ and do.

We humans are those blessed and cursed with awareness of what we do and don’t know, and allow ourselves to be constrained and controlled by our feelings of doubt, disbelief and disability.

When sometimes, we should just go with what we know, and find joy in what we can.

Because ultimately, the quality of your life is not determined by how much you have, or what you have achieved, but about how you feel. The person who has little but is happy is far wealthier than the person who has much, but is miserable.

I think sometimes my dog has a much happier life than I do, because at 7:41 in the morning, she was just loving life, chasing a squirrel, and taking her own form of joy from a quiet moment of life, lived in a manner that makes her happy.

May we all experience such joy, and share it with those we meet.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Connection

Connection.

When writing this work, I always have some kind of music playing in the background. Sometimes it’s to inspire a certain frame of mind as I’m writing, and other times it’s to try to free my emotions so that I can write whatever feels like it needs to bubble up to the surface.

It’s always instrumental, because I can’t find my words when listening to someone else’s.

And besides, the music has its own lyrics, if you listen to them. Not words, but emotions; not spoken, but communicated none the less.

In writing this tonight, so that it can be published on Friday morning, I’m listening to the soundtrack from the movie Interstellar. It’s an incredibly haunting, powerful piece that moves me every single time I listen to it.

For some reason, it takes me to a very melancholic and eternal place, with a sense of wonder and sadness intertwined with a loneliness and longing.

It’s not really something I share with anyone, but for some reason, I’m sharing it with you.

I don’t claim to understand why or how music works on our souls. It seems strange to me that vibrations of the very air we use to breathe can evoke such passion, and a sense of togetherness.

How does sound create feelings, and why do certain sounds have the ability to unlock and release our deepest thoughts.

Unless music is really just another way to express and communication our emotions.

Because that’s what connection really is, the ability to communicate and express our emotions in a way that lets us know that someone else can understand that which we struggle to explain as much as we struggle with the experience.

Connection is the resonance of one soul with another, and what better way to do that than by resonating the air, to resonate our souls.

Which leads me back to this particular piece.

There’s something about listening to a combination of piano, pipe organ and the backing of an orchestra that just moves me, especially the pipe organ. It’s strange, because I didn’t grow up in a religious household, quite the opposite.

Yet that sound of the organ, or of a choir vocalizing in an angelic sound just seems to reach inside of me and find something that feels greater than me, and in some way connected with everyone else and the universe.

And at the same time incredibly lonely.

Because in sensing the enormity of the universe, I am reminded of our tiny and essentially inconsequential place within it. Even if we were to unite as a people, as a planet together, we could no more change the direction or the function of the universe than an ant could change the rotation of the earth.

We are smaller than we can possibly understand.

And yet, at the same time, by connecting and coming together, we can become more meaningful and impactful in the lives of each other than we could ever have believed possible.

When we connect with another human being, truly connect, we somehow eliminate that sense of loneliness, and allow ourselves the experience of becoming one with another entity, another consciousness, another experience of the universe different from our own.

We all have a desire to connect, to resonate, to feel and to explore.

May we do so together, and find joy in one another’s experience.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Saddle up Your Demons

Saddle up Your Demons.

Why do you do anything? Simple answer - because it helps you avoid pain, or find pleasure. Slightly more complex answer – because in some way, one of your 6 human needs is either threatened, or can be satisfied.

Complex answer – because the meanings you derive from the action you are either contemplating or have performed will in some way meet or defend one of your 6 human needs in a way that fits within your moral/ethical paradigms.

Whew – that was a lot wasn’t it.

What I tried to summarize there is some knowledge that has taken me a long time to understand, and which I still try to practice with each day. When you can understand the WHY for everything that you see around you, it becomes easier to help those with whom you come into contact.

People make more sense, and you can see the desperation in their actions when they behave in a manner that is not in keeping with their highest aspirations or potential. It also allows you to understand yourself, which has really been my goal all along.

Because I have so many things I struggle with in my own life.

Both things that I do that I would wish not to, and things that I would wish to do that I don’t. Although understanding the reason behind something doesn’t always give me the power to change it right then, it does allow me to try to create strategies for dealing with the problem. Sometimes in a short term plan, or sometimes over a long period of time.

And this has helped me to overcome so many problems in my life.

But coming to understand myself in a deep and significant way has also shown unto me some of the demons that I harbor within my soul, and some of my deepest hopes.

The funny thing is that they are often intertwined as the opposite ends of the same root desire. So with a little balancing, you can actually use both to help you overcome your own restrictions.

You just have to make sure you keep the balance healthy.

Because fear will often drive you further in the short term, and hope will keep you going in the long term, but if you only focus on one aspect, you’ll probably either burn out too soon, or not have enough energy to get started in the first place.

But if you combine the two with skill and understanding, you can unleash an energy within you that can overcome just about any problem you currently have within yourself.

You just have to saddle your demons, and ride it with your hopes.

Because when you understand what you really want, and why you want it, both from the darkness of your fears, and the beautiful light of your hopes, change becomes something organic and natural.

Sure it takes times (everything worthwhile does) and yes it takes effort (everything worthwhile does), but change in the direction you want to go is always worth the work.

And when you really, really know WHY you are changing, you’ll move forwards to where you really want to be.

At peace with yourself, and everyone around you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Realign

Realign

Do you ever get that feeling that your life is out of alignment. Everything is still somewhat the same, but at the same time it’s not. It’s like that feeling you get when you know you’ve forgotten something, but you can’t put your finger on exactly what that is.

You have the strangest sensation that you are supposed to be some other time, some other place, some other life. Like your reality is in the midst of a transition, and you’ve left where you can no longer be, but you’re desperately trying to figure out the destination.

And sometimes the past keeps trying to drag you back.

It’s comfortable, yet confining. It’s familiar, yet fails to resonate with your soul. It’s understood, but underwhelming. Sure, moving back to where you were might feel good for a while, but eventually you’ll come back full circle to the very same problems that made you want to move on in the first place.

So you realize that going back is probably not your destination, but where to go forwards?

It helps if you have a concept of the place you wish to end up in, but that can often be a description rather than a clearly defined destination. Maybe you’re looking for the intersection of authentic and uplifting, right around the corner from loving and kind.

But sometimes, all you know is that here is no longer the place you can feel at home, so you walk out into the universe…

With only your soul to guide your journey.

I’ve been working on a transition for a while now, trying to discover the truths deep inside of me, that have been buried under fears and familiarity. I only have faintest idea of where I am going, and some days even that seems to fade out of view completely. When that happens, I try to focus on the next step, and the next, and the next.

Because life rarely comes with directions, but occasionally, the universe leaves breadcrumbs.

As I consider this move, this next transition in my life, I realize that I have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable; accepting that not having all the answers is in itself an answer from a universe that is generous with its questions, while being parsimonious with its solutions.

If I wait to know everything, I will never progress beyond where I am, and will end up buried under the weight of broken dreams, full of regret and remorse.

So forward I move, each step into the darkness a personal statement of faith, and trust.

Trust in myself, that I can forge a future from the detritus of dreams and desires. Trust in the goodness of others who will show up on my journey to guide and give counsel.

Trust in even the very concept that this is a future to align myself with, and most of all, trust that I can overcome my weaknesses and failings as I seek to serve others on the pathway of purpose with which I am trying to align myself.

Realignment, I have found, is not easy.

But they tell me nothing worthwhile ever is.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Collapse of Time

The Collapse of Time.

When I was a teenager in England, we used to play a game called “Smelling the Roses”. It sounds innocuous enough, until you discover that the goal is to have as much of your body as you feel comfortable with hanging outside of a moving car.

My standard protocol for this game was to have everything but one hand and half of a foot inside the vehicle. My record was 104 miles per hour.

It was dangerous, it was reckless, and it was wonderful.

Because in that moment, with the wind trying to blow your lungs apart, every breath was a struggle. In that moment, you knew that one single mistake, or a lapse in concentration could leave you dead, or wishing that you were.

I didn’t do it for the notoriety, or to prove a point. I used to do it because in that moment, when I was closer to death than I had any business being…

Time collapsed into now.

In that moment, there is no past, there is no future. The sensory overload forces every part of your brain into processing this point in time, so that now is all there is.

All the hurt from the past, all the hope for the future just fades away into an incredible clarity of thought, feeling and spirit that is only now, and yet now also gives you an amazing perspective of eternity, of your past, of your future.

It all melds into one, and yet expands into everything.

I found the collapse of time again when I jumped out of an aircraft at 13,000 feet, strapped to a man I’d known for about 30 minutes. The sensation of falling at over 120 miles an hour brought me again into a collapsed now.

I can only describe it as the most spiritual experience of my life, feeling like I was at once separated and connected to every moment, every person, everywhere. Every sensation was alive, heightened, enhanced and connected, and all happening now, now and most of all, now.

If that sounds crazy, I understand. I think you really have to try it sometime to understand what I mean.

So many of us live our lives trapped in the past, or fearful of the future. In our desire to avoid the judgment of others, we trade the possibility of now for the regret of tomorrow. If we live outside of now, we never fully understand the joy and the wonder that this moment, and this one, and this one, have to offer.

If you truly wish to experience life in every breath, you have to make every breath count.

Which means you have to collapse your time into now. Through meditation, through experiences, through excitement and through intention. Once you find your way into now, you’ll see the future and the past as one eternal possibility, and then make your decisions based not on what could be, but on what is.

When you learn time, time becomes your healer, your guide and your friend.

So today, I invite you to try to live in the moment for at least a few minutes, and see how it changes you. You don’t have to jump for it, or risk your life for it. All you have to do is decide that you will live this moment intentionally, focusing not on what was, or what will be, but solely on what is right in front of you.

As the teacher Ram Dass once said, “Be here, Now”.

And you’ll find that now holds all the secrets, excitement, power and wonder that you’ll ever need.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Lost in the Valley of Right and Wrong

Lost in the Valley of Right and Wrong.

How much of your life do you spend worrying about ‘doing the right thing’? How do you even know what the right thing is? I often talk to people who expend a great deal of their emotional energy every day worrying about whether their actions, belief and behaviors are acceptable and meeting some arbitrary standard.

At some point, I usually ask them the one question that stops them in their tracks….

Why are you allowing someone else’s viewpoint to have more importance than your own?

Which is when they usually stare at me like I’ve suddenly started speaking in a foreign language, which in some ways I probably have. For too many people, the idea of trusting their own instincts and beliefs more than ANYONE ELSE’s is a scary concept for most people.

I think this starts in childhood, when it is necessary, and then as we grow we begin to accept the opinions of others rather than risk sticking our head up above the crowd.

So we find safety and certainty in the crowded world of other people’s opinions.

Now please understand, I’m not advocating narcissism, nor the adoption of the principles and procedures of a psychopath – far from it. What I do find in working with people is that so much of people’s concerns are centered around the thoughts and acceptance of people who really don’t have the right to have an opinion on your life.

Yet we worry constantly about what they think about us.

For me, there are a very few people who’s opinion holds a significant weight in my life. My wife’s opinion is probably the second most important in my life, closely followed by my children, and then my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and a few close friends.

If you read that carefully, you probably realized that the number one opinion in my life wasn’t listed, and yet I’m guessing you’ve already figured out whose opinion it is.

That’s right. Mine.

And if that sounds a little full of myself, please understand that I don’t mean it that way. It’s not that I am so great at working things out – I’m not. I make my share of mistakes like anyone else, and some of them, I have to tell you, are immense.

It also doesn’t mean that I don’t listen to anyone else’s point of view – it means quite the opposite. I listen to the thoughts and opinions of the people in my life a lot.

But eventually, I have to choose what I think is right.

Because that forces me to make my decisions, and not outsource the responsibility for my choices on others. If I make a choice, I try to own it as much as humanly possible, because I think any other way is to live in a way that is not authentic, and allows me to live in a way that avoids the consequences if one of my choices affects someone else in a way that doesn’t sit well with them.

So when I make a choice, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s been thought through.

I wish I could tell you that I never make a choice based on how other people will think about it, but I’m not that far along in my journey yet.

I will say that in the big decisions, the ones that really matter, I am trying to be better at making the choice that I think is right, according to my ethical beliefs, my desires, my responsibilities and my values.

And then I choose, and live with it, regardless of what others may think.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Battles You Choose

The Battles You Choose.

If you’ve lived any length of time, you know that every life, no matter how wonderful it seems from the outside, has its own share of troubles. Some days they are few and far between, and on other days they come at you thick and fast, relentless and merciless.

Those are the times when all you can do is try to keep your head above water, and focus on staying afloat, when everything tries to pull you down.

But in the midst of that madness, you find the battles you choose to fight, even though you don’t have to.

I have an amazing sister-in-law who lives close to us. A survivor of a difficult marriage, and an ugly divorce, she has fought her way back into the light after struggling for a time to find the very core of who she is.

As a single mother of 3 incredible children, she’s wears herself out every day trying to make sure that her kids have a wonderful life.

And she’s doing an amazing job of it.

Sometimes, it’s my privilege and honor to help her out with things. Maybe it’s being knee deep in her pool, trying to clean out the dirty water that has accumulated over the winter, or sitting down with one of the kids and standing in the place of a father figure, helping them to find the truths of themselves under the misunderstandings that they absorbed from the distance of someone who should have been there for them, but wasn’t.

Sometimes it’s holding her as she cries, and giving her the space to lay down her burdens for a moment and find a period of rest to her soul.

Through all of this, she feels like she is a burden to me, and while I can understand why she might feel that way, I think there are things that she doesn’t understand, and maybe you don’t either.

I hope that sharing this truth today might help you understand a little more about yourself, and her understand a little more about me.

Because the battles you choose to fight when you don’t have to, are the ones that help you stay sane amidst all the ones you didn’t choose.

The simple difference is choice, and it’s the most important difference in the world. Fighting a fight that you didn’t choose can make you feel like you have no control in what happens to you. It’s something you have to do, and although it often makes a difference in your life, there’s usually little in the battle that uplifts your soul.

But the battles you choose – they’re usually because it makes a difference to someone else.

That sense of being able to serve, give, love and care for another human being is very often the source of strength that we need to go on when our own battles, the ones we did not choose, threaten to overwhelm us and force us to our knees.

But in serving another, in caring for another, we rise.

So today, if someone is helping you when they seem to be carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, please understand that the ability to help you may be the very thing that is giving them the strength to keep going, the reason to keep rising.

Because the truest definition of a human being is not what they do when they had to , but what they choose to do when they didn’t have to.

Our self assumed responsibilities are very often the things that give us a sense of purpose, of growth, and of contribution, in a world that tries to make us feel like we have little or nothing to contribute, little or no value to our souls.

If someone has chosen to help you, be grateful and let them serve. Because you may never know how grateful they are for the chance.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Beachfront

Beachfront.

I can feel it. The water rushing over my toes, over my feet, my ankles and the lower part of my leg. The cold startles me, while my mind screams for joy. The smell of the salt in the air enters my nose, evoking memories of years gone by, days spent at the ocean, nights on the beach.

I feel the stress loosen its vice-like grip across my shoulders and I take a deep breath, and release. And like the waves now rushing away from me, I feel my soul rejoice as the tension leaves me.

There’s something magical about the ocean.

For me the pounding of the waves, with their ebb and flow, is the heartbeat of the world. The pebbles on the beach remind me of the planets of the universe, too numerous to count and infinite in their variety. Together, the smell, the sound and the touch of the ocean are the greatest medicine for my soul, allowing me to breathe both physically and emotionally.

Giving me a perspective that I find only at the beach, or in the mountains.

For years, I’ve practiced a meditation visualization involving the beach and the ocean. It began after reading a description of an beach in a book by one of my very favorite authors.

From his words, I began to craft my own vision of the beach, and to make it real in my mind by consistent practice of visualizing myself there, feeling what I would feel, smelling what I would smell and most of all, experiencing the joy and timeless perspective.

I call it “The Nowhere Place”.

For in my vision I kneel in the breakwater as the waves break over my legs. In front of me, there is only ocean, and either side of me, stretching out through eternity, is a beachfront, with waves breaking and retreating.

Behind me there is nothing but sand as far as the eye can see. There are no people present, no other lives, just the constant flow of the ocean, and my presence in this place where none can be.

Not even time.

For in the Nowhere Place there is only ‘Now’ and ‘Here’, which is how we get the word. As I enter the Nowhere Place, I can use the timelessness of the moment as a canvas on which to display my worries, my fears, and my thoughts.

I can use the lack of other people to examine my thoughts without fear of embarrassment or judgment. I use the enormity and eternal nature of this place to gain perspective when I am lost in the distraction of the moment.

For when I am just now and here, I too am eternal in my perspective.

As time fades away, and as the opinions of others crumble, I am able to find my true nature, and listen to the heartbeat of my soul, finding the authentic pathways forwards so that I may resonate a true note within the orchestral majesty of humanity and the universe in which it plays.

As I experience the unification of now as eternity, I realize that I am at one with all and the universe.

And I can think, feel, act and love accordingly.

While I cannot invite you into my Nowhere Place, may I today extend an invitation to you, and ask you to begin to build your own place within your soul where you can find the peace and tranquility of the truth of you, and find healing, understanding, and a wellspring of joy and contentment.

And may you find peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The End of You

The End of You.

It’s a human need to feel connected to someone else, and most of the time, those connections are the source of the greatest joys in life.

Some very special friends of ours just had their first child this morning, and will soon be experiencing the overwhelming joy and terror that is taking your baby home for the first time, and wallowing in the incredible love and connection you have for the new life that has been entrusted to you.

Even when you are so tired that you can sleep standing up 🙂

As a source of connection, the bond of a parent to a child is usually only eclipsed by the relationship between two people who love each other romantically.

In a dance that has been repeated throughout nature since the beginning of time, we give of ourselves into that relationship and hopefully feel the resonance of their soul with ours, each other strengthening, and taking strength from, the other.

Almost like we become one together.

Which sounds like a wonderful idea, and might be, if it really happened. In reality though, we never truly become one with anyone else, and that’s probably a good thing, because to do so would give up the most essential component of both our consciousness and our humanity...our responsibility to be ourselves, to look after ourselves and to care for ourselves.

And to be separate from anyone else.

Too many times I see relationships that have strayed into a place where one or both of the people involved is either giving too much to the relationship, or trying to take too much out of the relationship.

This could be a parent who needs their child to be/act a certain way in order to feel ‘accomplished’ or ‘worthy’ as a parent, or a romantic partner who needs their significant other to prop up their own emotional needs at the cost of that partner’s health, sanity and well-being.

Neither of these situations are good for any of the people involved.

Conversely, it could be a person who has given so much of themselves trying to fulfill a partner who can never be made whole until they do the work needed on themselves, or a child who tries over and over again to become the person their parent needs them to be, weakening their sense of self in pursuit of an acceptance that should have been given without conditions.

In this, I do not intend to assign blame, because blame is the refuge of the immature and the hurt. Both are to be pitied, and loved into a higher state of being.

One of the greatest steps you’ll ever take in your journey on this earth is to realize that you are your own person, and so is everyone else. When you come to understand that your emotional well-being, your sense of self, and your happiness are independent of anyone else’s choices, you begin the journey of becoming the truest expression of you that you can ever be.

Knowing where you begin, and end, allows you the freedom to be who you were born to be, and also grants unto you the ability to gift that freedom to others.

Because only when you are truly free of need from someone can you freely give of yourself to them.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings