Don’t tell me, help me feel it.
Have you ever tried to tell a woman she’s pretty when she doesn’t believe you? If you have, I’m guessing you’ve done it more than once, and you get the same response every time.
A polite thank you, followed by a statement of disbelief. No matter how you try, no what words you choose, telling them a thousand different ways makes no difference in the world.
Because what you’re telling them goes against what they feel.
I reconnected with an old friend this week, and in explaining my absence, I confessed that I had been struggling with a significant sense of ‘imposter syndrome’ (where you feel like you aren’t skilled, or qualified, or ready to do something you want to do) about a project we had discussed.
From a place of kindness, and total sincerity, she told me that I was “the real deal”, which sounds a lot like the words a different friend told me… that I was ‘the real goods’.
And while I know they are sincere in what they say, I don’t feel it yet, so their words fall on deaf ears.
It’s taken me a long time to learn this, and still sometimes I fall back into my old habits, but telling someone something you want them to know that seems obvious to you is not going to get you anywhere.
Especially if the person is a victim of some kind of trauma, and has a poor self image; telling them what you see will only reinforce their position of themselves.
If you really want to help them, it’s going to take time, patience, and a sincere ability to be present for them.
Because the only way to serve them is to start off by listening to what they really feel. You might not like it, in fact you might vehemently disagree with what you are hearing, but until they feel heard, they will never hear you.
Even then, they might not want to believe what you are telling them, but if you’re lucky, and in the right place at the right time, they might just listen.
Which is when the magic begins.
Because to help someone feel what you want them to understand, you have to create opportunities for them to see the world differently, and most importantly experience it differently.
There are various ways to accomplish this, each one depending upon the situation you find yourself in, but they all have a central theme, or core running through them.
The person has to trust you enough to be open to suggestion, and then you offer ways for them to test out the knowledge you want them to understand.
Because their testing leads to experiences, and from experiences, we generate meaning, and from meaning we derive the truths that we cling to, real or imagined.
So the next time you feel the urge to tell someone something that seems obvious to you, but which they don’t believe, try asking a question instead of stating your truth.
Their truth will always be more important to them than your truth, until you give them a chance to experience reality with a different interpretation.
Because in our minds, our interpretation of experiences, and the meanings we create from those, are everything, until shown a different path.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings