Hush.
I had a wonderful, heartfelt conversation with a couple of friends yesterday. These are two people I admire greatly, while at the same time marveling at their strength, their courage and the depth of their relationship.
As we talked, I felt inspired to share a few thoughts that I hope helped them, in what little way I can, and as they shared their thoughts with me…
they resonated with a conversation I had had with another friend earlier that day. It’s funny how the lessons for these reflections find a way to repeat themselves through the day, until I finally pay attention.
Both times, we were talking about conversations.
Not the fun easy ones, but ones that are difficult to start, painful to have, and sometimes devastating to hear. These are usually the conversations we put off hoping that there will be a better time in the future, or that circumstances will change so that the conversation is different, or need not happen at all.
Sometimes that works out, most times it doesn’t.
But as we talked, I began to realize that the common thread running through our discussions was that these conversations are often hardest of all to have because in some way, they force us to accept something that we don’t want to.
Sometimes it’s because the conversation in some way is a reflection of one of our own failings, which makes us feel bad, while other times we are trying to ‘fix something’ in the conversation, and our failure to make that happen makes us feel bad about ourselves.
Did you see the common thread in both of those scenarios?
The thing that stops most of us having the conversations that lead to a deeper sense of connection and love is usually our own ego. I know mine has stopped me from having conversations with Holly that would actually make our lives better. I also know that it goes both ways, and there are conversations that she has avoided because of the way they make her feel.
The hardest thing to do in conversation, it seems, is to sit and listen without bringing your feelings along for the ride.
In the movie “The Last Samurai”, Captain Nathan Algren is captured by a band of Samurai. Taken to their village, he is allowed to train with them, and during one sparring session with a wooden sword, he is repeatedly beaten, until a young man counsels him to have “no mind”.
He points out that Algren is minding so many things during the training fight that he cannot focus on what he needs to actually focus on, the sword and the movements of the person in front of him.
So it is with us in a good conversation.
Because if we truly desire a deep connection and communication; the kind that heals the heart, washes clean the wounds of another, and allows us to see the reflection of our soul in another, then we need to become better at laying down our ego, and desiring to listen more than we desire to speak.
For when we speak, we only reinforce that which we know, but when we listen, we learn the truths and trials of another.
So today, I ask you to enter into a deep conversation with someone close to you, by leaving yourself behind, and just listening to what it is they have to say.
You’ll be surprised how different they will feel as you listen intently, with a desire to truly understand them.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings