Lost in the Valley of Right and Wrong.
How much of your life do you spend worrying about ‘doing the right thing’? How do you even know what the right thing is? I often talk to people who expend a great deal of their emotional energy every day worrying about whether their actions, belief and behaviors are acceptable and meeting some arbitrary standard.
At some point, I usually ask them the one question that stops them in their tracks….
Why are you allowing someone else’s viewpoint to have more importance than your own?
Which is when they usually stare at me like I’ve suddenly started speaking in a foreign language, which in some ways I probably have. For too many people, the idea of trusting their own instincts and beliefs more than ANYONE ELSE’s is a scary concept for most people.
I think this starts in childhood, when it is necessary, and then as we grow we begin to accept the opinions of others rather than risk sticking our head up above the crowd.
So we find safety and certainty in the crowded world of other people’s opinions.
Now please understand, I’m not advocating narcissism, nor the adoption of the principles and procedures of a psychopath – far from it. What I do find in working with people is that so much of people’s concerns are centered around the thoughts and acceptance of people who really don’t have the right to have an opinion on your life.
Yet we worry constantly about what they think about us.
For me, there are a very few people who’s opinion holds a significant weight in my life. My wife’s opinion is probably the second most important in my life, closely followed by my children, and then my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and a few close friends.
If you read that carefully, you probably realized that the number one opinion in my life wasn’t listed, and yet I’m guessing you’ve already figured out whose opinion it is.
That’s right. Mine.
And if that sounds a little full of myself, please understand that I don’t mean it that way. It’s not that I am so great at working things out – I’m not. I make my share of mistakes like anyone else, and some of them, I have to tell you, are immense.
It also doesn’t mean that I don’t listen to anyone else’s point of view – it means quite the opposite. I listen to the thoughts and opinions of the people in my life a lot.
But eventually, I have to choose what I think is right.
Because that forces me to make my decisions, and not outsource the responsibility for my choices on others. If I make a choice, I try to own it as much as humanly possible, because I think any other way is to live in a way that is not authentic, and allows me to live in a way that avoids the consequences if one of my choices affects someone else in a way that doesn’t sit well with them.
So when I make a choice, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s been thought through.
I wish I could tell you that I never make a choice based on how other people will think about it, but I’m not that far along in my journey yet.
I will say that in the big decisions, the ones that really matter, I am trying to be better at making the choice that I think is right, according to my ethical beliefs, my desires, my responsibilities and my values.
And then I choose, and live with it, regardless of what others may think.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings