Morning Reflection: Why are you not grateful?

Why are you not grateful?

I am probably the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met, and please understand, I’m not using false modesty here. I honestly struggle with being grateful, even though there are people in my life who have been incredibly kind and generous towards me.

And while I have gone out of my way to express my gratitude to them, I really wish I felt it more than I do.

And that’s a difficult thing to admit.

Because I have so many things to be grateful for. I have an incredible wife who manages to put up with my many, many weaknesses and failings. I have two wonderful children, who are growing into incredible young men.

The relationship I have with them is beyond explanation.

I have a wonderful extended family who have welcomed me into their lives without exception, and I love my wife, kids and family more than I can ever fully express.

Yet still I don’t feel as grateful as I think I should.

So I’ve struggled with this question for a long time, and as usual, the answer came to me while I was writing this reflection.

Initially this post was about how our expectations blind us to the things that can make us grateful, because when we don’t get our own way, or life doesn’t meet our expectations, we feel like we have been cheated and focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we do.

But I realized that wasn’t the complete answer, and that I needed to go deeper.

So I spent more time thinking, meditating and wondering, until the truth arrived calmly and clearly. What struck me as funny was that it was the application of a truth I had seen in others, but had yet been unable to see in myself. (I’ll never cease to be amazed at how blind we are to the truths of ourselves). Once I understood this, everything else made more sense.

While I was grateful, the things I was grateful for were not the things my soul desperately hungers for.

Let me try to explain it to you this way. Imagine you found a homeless man on a sidewalk in the middle of winter. He had no shoes, no coat, and nowhere to shelter from the cold. Out of your kindness you gave him shoes, and a coat, and he thanked you for them and went on his way.

While he was grateful for the things you had given him, his soul still hungered for a place to stay, and more importantly, a way out of his personal darkness that had led him to be there in the first place.

His deeper needs were overpowering his ability to feel as grateful as he could have otherwise been.

Thankfully I have never been homeless, and I don't mean to equate my problems with those who are. I use this analogy to explain some of the needs I have because of the feelings in my soul.

Although I have shoes, I struggle to find confidence. Although I have a coat, I struggle to find a sense of acceptance of myself. Although I have a home, I struggle feeling like I am enough, worthy of love and acceptance.

And these deep needs sometimes overwhelm me, and smother the gratitude I would otherwise feel.

Which leaves me in a difficult place, because none of these needs are things that can be given by anyone else.

If I am to find confidence, I must face my fears and work through them. If I am to find an acceptance of myself, I have to find a place in my soul for self compassion. If I am to feel like I am enough, I have to find the ability to love myself in spite of my many flaws.

Once I find those things within me, I hope I will also discover the gratitude that eludes me.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When the ‘One’ thing turned out to be nothing at all

When the ‘One’ thing turned out to be nothing at all.

I think I’ve always been looking for that one thing. One simple action that I could take that would precipitate a cascade of positive events, and ultimately end up changing my life for the better.

I hunted for it for many years, believing that there was something I could do, some new technique that would bring all my hopes and dreams to fruition.

And as seems to be the case fairly often, I was pretty significantly wrong.

Not that there wasn’t one thing – oh no. There definitely was a thing. It was just that I tried doing all sorts of things, and some of them ended up being helpful, but they simply weren’t the one.

Getting up early in the morning, trying different ways to be organized, leveraging positive motivation, threatening negative motivation. All of them have their place at certain times, but none of them were the one thing.

Because it turned out that the thing was actually nothing at all.

The greatest thing that turned out to be the one thing was trying to do nothing, and most importantly think ‘nothing’. I was surprised when I discovered that the key to becoming more productive, better focused, happier and more connected to my inner self and the world around me was to try resting my mind in a state of calm relaxation, and just allowing my soul to drift.

Which is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

The practice of meditation is so old that no one really knows when it started. There are many different styles, practices and teachers, which is life’s way of telling us that there’s no ‘right or wrong way’. You get to decide what works for you. All you have to do it just do it, which is doing nothing. With all the noise, distractions and opportunities around us, it takes a little bit of willpower to get started…

But once you begin, everything starts to change.

Meditation will challenge you, and at first really frustrate you. Finding a point of balance in your mind takes much more focus than you can imagine. Upon starting my meditation practice, my normally creative and hyperactive mind rebelled hard.

Guess what – it’s still doing that. I still struggle to maintain a balance, that moment of eternal calm and being present that lifts up my soul and allows me to transcend my weaknesses.

But the really wonderful thing about meditation is even just trying brings its own rewards.

As I sit in silence, or with music to guide me, I find a greater perspective on my trials and troubles. My willpower increases, as I am able to reinforce hopes and dreams and actually execute on them in the real world.

I can visualize desired outcomes and invite the universe to participate with me, holding the emotion of gratitude at the forefront of my soul, allowing the energy to resonate out into wherever it goes.

And most of all, I can feel my soul being refreshed and comforted.

If you’ve never tried meditation, I humbly ask you to give it a try. If you’ve tried it before and given up, may I invite you to go back and try it again.

If your practice is intermittent, may you find the space in your world to increase your frequency, and if you practice it every day, may you share that with a friend, and bring a greater harmony into the world.

The purpose of meditation is really to quiet your mind, so you can better discover who you are.

May you find peace in your soul, today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Dark Points of Light

Dark Points of Light.

I was 17 when I first got my heart broken. We had been dating for 18 months, and at one point we sort of got engaged (we were teenagers – what did we know). When it finally fell apart, as it was always going to do, I took it really hard.

To tell you how long I mourned over that breakup would be pretty embarrassing, but if I’m going to be honest with you, it was probably longer than we dated. She was my first serious girlfriend, and it hurt. A lot.

And at the time, I couldn’t see through the darkness I felt.

I felt very much the same approximately 21 years ago, when my oldest child was born. On what should have been a day of joy and rejoicing, when he was only a few hours old, we received news that he would require open heart surgery to correct a problem in the major vessels of his heart.

There’s no real way to explain how that feels, nor properly describe the enveloping darkness that reaches into your own heart at a time like that.

All I could focus on was how bad it could have been, and what could go wrong.

Over the years, there have been other events that were to rival these. Things that occurred that seemed to usher in a time in my life where everything light and wonderful had been taken from me, and darkness was all that was left.

Although they may not have been as direct as a break up or a life threatening condition, they were still things that left a dark indelible scar on my soul.

In the moment, they seemed to be the end of a dream, and the beginning of a nightmare.

But in hindsight, every time, it was actually something that was changing my path towards something better. The break up that hurt so bad at 17 prepared me for a few more breakups, that eventually led to meeting and marrying the wonderful woman I am privileged to call my wife today.

What looked liked incredible darkness was actually a dark point of light, illuminating a new pathway into my future. I just didn’t have the eyes to see it at that time.

The same was true at the birth of my son.

What I couldn’t see than was the incredible gratitude I would feel 2 weeks ago when he finished the Spartan Race. There were many competitors that day, but I don’t know if any of them have been through what he has, and still had the courage to run, and lift, and fight through it all.

What looked like darkness 21 years ago was in fact another dark point of light.

And this is what I try to remember anytime I find myself in a place where there it seems like the light has gone out, and the darkness is closing in.

I remember that even darkness has it’s uses, and that sometimes the choices we make when we can’t see are the choices we needed to make, but never would have if we could have seen them in the light.

Sometimes, not seeing too far ahead is the grace that allows us to move at all.

Today, I invite you to share your dark points of light, and what you learned and how you grew from them. I truly believe that the more we share our experiences with each other, the more we can uplift, edify and ennoble each other.

Until we all find ourselves in the perfect light of day

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: One Smile Away from a Great Day

One Smile Away from a Great Day.

What are the odds on you being you? I mean seriously, when you stop and think about it, there are so many things that had to go right for you to end up as who you are.

It’s been calculated by people a lot smarter than I am that the odds of just being human are somewhere around 400 trillion to one. That number is so insanely large we really don’t have a good way to emotionally experience it.

How would you even go about defining it?

And that’s just being a human being, to say nothing about the odds of being…you! The experiences you’ve had, or in some cases, not had.

The near fatal accidents you missed because you took a wrong turn, or the firework that could have blinded you, but just left a good sized burn in your thigh (my Fourth of July was memorable this year, as in ‘I will have a nice scar to remember it by’).

When you start to consider all of the things that need to have happened to bring you to the point of right now – it’s staggering, mind blowing, beyond comprehending.

Especially when you consider that it could all be changed or gone in an instant.

I’ve lived long enough to know that the world, or even your very own personal universe, can take a hard detour without a moment’s notice, taking the things you thought you could rely on and turning them on their head.

There’s only one antidote, or one vaccine, that can really help you prepare for and survive these events.

Gratitude.

I know that sounds kind of simple, but the funny thing is, the answers to most of the big things in life are simple. I think we sometimes get so caught up with our technological marvels, and the safety and security that we have created for ourselves in our daily world, that we forget just how amazing we have it right now.

Yes there are things that are scary, and yes bad things happen to good people and vice-versa. But at the end of it all, when you look at it long enough, hopefully you come to the realization that takes you to a place in your soul where you are grateful just for the chance to be here, and to partake in this day to day madness we call life.

And I hope you smile in your gratitude.

I really don’t care how you think we got here. A higher power, an evolved consciousness, a single intelligence of which we are but a part... Who knows. I really don’t care what you believe, it doesn’t matter. Because in the end, if you have enough gratitude in your heart, you’ll find your way to the next emotion that changes everything.

Because gratitude is the gateway drug of love.

You can’t love someone without being grateful for them. One flows from the other. And the funny thing about love, really deep abiding love, is that it changes you, and your world, for the better. The more love we have in the world, the less hate.

Or to see it in the way of Master Yoda… “Gratitude leads to love, love leads to serving, serving leads to happiness”. (Yeah, you read it in his voice didn’t you – it’s ok, so did I).

So today, may you find time to smile in gratitude, and share that smile with someone who needs it. I have had many days recently where the smile of a single person has been the tipping point, bringing me back to a sense of gratitude, and a deeper desire to serve.

May we find love and gratitude in our hearts, today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sometimes, the Answer is to Stop

Sometimes, the Answer is to Stop.

As someone who passionately believes and preaches self awareness, and tries to practice it as much as possible, I’m slowly coming to the realization that there are times when I need to stop.

Times when I need to feel rather than analyze, to rest rather than push through, to recover instead of fighting harder. My wife would probably tell you that I am somewhat obsessive in my desire to understand, and to help.

Both of which I am probably somewhat guilty.

But I’ve come to the realization recently that all of us, including me, have limits that we can’t push beyond without risking significant emotional damage. As someone who has taken an isolating sense of worth by pushing myself so hard, this comes as kind of a sad awakening.

I’ve always been able to force myself to another level before, go beyond what I thought was normal and possible, and took pride in my ability to function without sleep, without feeling, without stopping.

All of which, it turns out, was the wrong thing to do.

Because as someone who routinely tells patients to ‘get more sleep’, ‘be kind to yourself’ and ‘take time for yourself’, I’ve been very neglectful of the concept of self care when it has come to my own life.

I can’t tell you the last time I watched a movie without doing something else, like ironing, or writing, or planning. While that is a great use of time, I’m beginning to realize that I’ve actually been robbing myself of the emotional renewal that comes from being immersed in something that isn’t work, or helping someone.

One of the biggest dangers of this way of living is that you begin to lose a sense of identity for who you actually are.

You become engaged to process, to production, to learning and knowledge, and in doing so begin a slow process of divorce from your understanding of who you are. At some point you lose your sense of perspective in your career, your family and yourself.

And then you have to start finding your way back to who you are.

Which begins with an honest evaluation of where you are right now. Maybe your personal rituals (exercise, meditation, journaling) have been left at the roadside in your never ending desire to move faster.

Or maybe you’ve been sleeping shorter and shorter hours, trusting that you can ‘get all the sleep you need when you’re dead’.

Wherever you find yourself, you realize it’s time to begin to nourish your soul, so that you can find your way back to being who you are again.

So I’ve reached a point where I feel that I need to be more focused, but less busy; more present and less preoccupied; more protective of my soul and less destructive to myself.

In short, I need to give myself permission to care about myself as much as I do about others, and treat my needs as importantly as every else’s.

Because in the end, you can wear yourself out in the service of others, and find that you are too far gone to be of service to anyone anymore. It’s like they say on a plane, ‘put on your mask, and then put someone else’s on for them’.

So today I’m asking for your help, your thoughts, your feedback. What do you do to nourish your soul, and find your way back to who you are…

I’d be grateful for any advice you have to give.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: When Time Doesn’t Heal

When time doesn’t heal.

There’s an old saying that you’ve probably heard before, that “time heals all wounds”. Like most old sayings it’s usually right, but on rare occasions, it can also be completely wrong.

In those instances when it doesn’t work, time seems only to intensify the pain, allowing the wound to fester longer, the infection to penetrate deeper, and the scar that desperately tries to cover the gaping hole in your soul to be stretched further and further, until finally it breaks.

And the rawness of the wound is open for all to see and feel.

If you’ve never had this experience in your life, I’m pretty confident in saying that you probably know someone who has. You’ll know it by the way certain topics are off limits, or by the way that they close down when the conversation goes in a certain direction.

Maybe you’ve been present when the covering has broken, and the pain and anguish comes pouring out in a way that neither edifies nor uplifts anyone around them.

Or maybe it was you who had broken.

However you came to understand it, you realize in a moment of clarity that this isn’t going to go away by itself.

Somehow, somewhere, the person who’s soul has been wounded at its core is going to have to go through the pain and agony of finally processing a hurt that should have been worked through many years ago, but for some reason wasn’t.

Maybe there just wasn’t time, or maybe it was just too painful to face right then.

Because some pains are just too raw to experience in the moment. Instead of being guided and comforted through the experience, sometimes the person instead just learns to suppress the pain day after day, year after year, until it becomes a black hole in their soul, pulling in the light around it, until that person has become a shell of who they used to be.

Hurting, judgmental, caustic and in pain.

In our desire to help them, we often feel the urge to explain something to them, some blinding obvious fact that seems so clear to us, that they seem to be missing or unable to understand.

If we give into that desire, it is my experience that we only make matters worse, because the person who cannot right now understand something because of the pain that they feel will become the person who will not thank you for your well intentioned, but ultimately patronizing, words.

The best we can do is give them our love, our acceptance, our presence and our patience.

And when they are ready for them, our questions. I have written before about how the questions we ask determine our journey, and that the answers we find are usually just a way-point that determines the direction of another question.

When dealing with a person for whom time has not healed a wound, the greatest blessing you can offer them is a ear that listens without judgment, and a heart that loves without indictment.

If you desire to be of assistance to those who are hurting, may I suggest that you leave your own concerns, your desires, your beliefs and your judgments at the door, and walk into their lives carrying nothing but a desire to serve, and to allow them the human right and privilege to choose their own destiny and path of healing.

Because the deepest wounds are not healed by time, but by patience, long suffering, and by love unfettered and unfeigned.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I Could Be Completely Wrong about This

I Could Be Completely Wrong about This.

There’s a comedian named Bill Engvall who had a routine around the slogan, ‘Here’s Your Sign’. It was based on the idea that people who were displaying a remarkable lack of common sense should come with a sign to warn those around them.

I’ve always remembered that, and loved the idea that each of us should come with a warning sign. I know what mine would be.

“I could be completely wrong about this”.

Because I am sometimes wrong. I think that’s why I hold back a lot in my coaching practice. After losing 140lbs in 18 months, and having a Doctorate in a healthcare discipline, you’d have thought that I would have gone into weight loss coaching.

I intended to, I wanted to. I even have a coaching program laid out. I’ve helped people lose weight before, and yet I held back from charging from coaching.

Instead, I get to watch people who have never done what I’ve done, and with no experience or training in healthcare, sell useless pills to desperate people, when I know that there is a much higher chance that I could help them. Yet I hold back for the fear that I could be wrong.

Because when you are wrong about things that affect people’s lives, it’s a heavy burden to bear.

Twice in my Chiropractic practice I’ve been able to catch the mistakes of others, and save a life that otherwise might well have ended. Once when a woman came to me after leaving the E.R.

She had been diagnosed with a migraine and sent home. Her mother and sister who were with her brought her to my office, and after examining her, I sent her back to the E.R.

Her medical doctor told me that had I sent her home, the infection in her brain, heart and lungs would have killed her that very night.

The other was an elderly man who came after seeking treatment for leg pain. He was told by someone in the healthcare field that his pain was not due to a clot, despite his previous history.

After examination, I sent him to the E.R. Ultrasound revealed it was a clot, and skilled surgeons operated to save his leg, and possibly his life. They were the heroes – I was just the person who found the problem.

But someone else’s error could have severely changed, or ended, his life.

Which is why I am sometimes reluctant to reach out and help others. I’ve never had someone come back and tell me that something I have written or said to them had negatively impacted them, but still I worry.

Yesterday I made a good friend, someone who I look up to and admire greatly, doubt herself for a minute over something I said to her that was in retrospect my misunderstanding of a situation.

Which was the very last thing I wanted to do.

So I guess here’s my sign, and the sign for this work, whatever it is. “I could be completely wrong about this”. I try not to be, but as I am human, so will I err. All I can tell you is that nothing written here is done without being thought about, and often rather deeply.

There are times I agonize over these pieces, out of a desire to serve you in the way I feel you deserve to be served.

If I’ve ever written something that you disagree with, feel free to lay aside my thoughts and listen to your own. If I’ve ever upset you, please know that that has never been my intention.

And most of all, if I’ve ever written something that makes you think about changing your life, always remember the sign that should hang above everything I write.

“I could be completely wrong about this”.

But I really hope I’m not.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: But Are You REALLY You?

But Are You REALLY You?

A good friend put a post on Facebook that really got me thinking. It was a text graphic which essentially said “I am me. I don’t pretend to be like everyone else”. And while I understand the idea behind the post, I realized that I had a significant disagreement with the concept.

Not that I want anyone to pretend to be someone that they are not – far from it. I always want people to be authentic to themselves; but the problem goes deeper in a different direction.

I just think sometimes people don’t know who they really are.

Think about it for a moment. Have you ever had a significant realization about yourself before? One that kind of rocked you to your core, when a truth that had previously been hidden hit you so hard, that a different definition of yourself suddenly came into view.

Chances are you’ve had at least one of these, and they are memorable.

Because it teaches us that our definition of ourselves is often wrong, and quite far from the truth of who we really are.

When I start coaching with someone, or if I’m just on a one-hour breakthrough call, I try to have people explain themselves to me through definitions. Because how you define yourself emotionally is a powerful constraint and motivator. Tony Robbins said it best when he defined it as this…

“The strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves”.

But if our self definition is so important, why is it that very few people have ever done the work to understand their self definition, and change what is necessary so that they can live a life that is truly authentic and congruent with who they are?

Because if your definition of yourself is wrong, your life will never be fulfilling and wonderful. It’s like trying to find your way around London using a map of New York. It’s just never going to work.

But examining our self definitions can be painful.

I have a very good friend who describes herself as prickly. And while she can behave that way, it’s not who she really is.

When you dig deeper, you find that she is really a kind and gentle person, but because of some beliefs that she picked up during her childhood, she has a hard time interfacing with other people because her normal boundaries that would protect her sweet and gentle emotions are not there.

So to protect herself, she tends to push people away, when all she really wants to do is let them in.

And as long as she continues to define herself as prickly, she will never come to understand the truth of who she is, and be able to heal and find peace.

So the next time you find yourself saying “I am me”, may I suggest you think that through a little bit. Once you lock yourself into a definition, you can spend years of your life believing something about yourself that is wrong, painful, unkind and destructive.

If your definition of yourself is based on a great deal of work, then maybe it will be right, or maybe it will be just ‘less wrong’.

Because the most holy (not in a religious sense) and kind people I have ever met are the ones who tend to have less definitions of themselves, and a greater concern for being kind to others.

And also being kind to themselves.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Giving Yourself Grace

Giving Yourself Grace.

I feel like I’m in the middle of a ‘divine storm’ right now, where so many of my weaknesses and failings are all coming to the forefront, raising their heads out of their particular little foxhole and taking shots at me.

Have you ever had that – where you feel pulled in so many different directions that it’s hard to stay focused on anything because you are constantly trying to put out fires that spring up faster than you can put them out?

I once described it as ‘juggling hand grenades’.

Because a lot of the time, it feels like if something falls, life as I know it will end. Yet if I examine these particular grenades, I can realize that none of them would actually be ‘life threatening’, meaning actually causing physical damage unto death.

They have the potential to cause some very uncomfortable situations, but nothing that would kill me.

Yet in my mind, I see them as things that could.

And in a moment of clarity this morning, while trying for what must be a least the 1000th time to think my way through a situation, I realized that I was expecting nothing but harsh judgment, and to be shown no evidence of mercy or kindness. It was as if all my mind could see was the worst possible outcome to everything, even before it had occurred.

And I realized I was not leaving any room for mercy, or the concept of ‘Grace’.

I don’t necessarily mean that in a religious sense, more in the aspect of receiving kindness that you do not feel you deserve. Often when I see something that I have done incorrectly, or imperfectly, I see only the negative outcomes, the worst possibilities, an absolute implacable disregard of mercy, and the outcome that fills me full of dread.

Yet rarely in life has this happened, except in some very extreme circumstances.

Because unless the person is a megalomaniac, or a narcissist, most human beings realize that it can be hard to be human. We all come complete with our own issues, traumas, weaknesses and failings. The more we are willing to accept our own faults, the more we are willing to accept and work through the faults of other.

Because ‘grace’ is really accepting that we all fall, and we all deserve some measure of kindness when we do.

So the next time you find yourself being too hard on yourself, or only seeing the worst possible outcome, I invite you to stop for a moment and consider that grace, or kindness, is one of our most enduring human traits.

It’s what binds our souls together and makes possible both our personal happiness, and the growth of our civilization. A world devoid of kindness would never succeed.

But this race of humans is bound by it, and bound to use it.

Grace, or kindness, is something that we should always be willing to extend, because one day, we may find ourselves in desperate need of its application.

When that time comes for you, I hope you will find a wellspring of kindness flowing unto you washing away your pain, and giving you the strength and courage you need to go forward into your future.

We all fall, and we all have it in our power to assist someone in standing back up.

So I ask you to go forward with grace and kindness for all.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What Do You Really, Really Want?

What Do You Really, Really Want?

Suppose you woke up tomorrow morning and found that some relative you barely knew had died and left you a large amount of money. Let’s say $100,000,000 for a nice round number.

How would you feel about that…excited, scared, ashamed of having more than somebody else, grateful, determined to use it for good? They’re all totally valid and acceptable feelings, and the chances are that you would probably experience all of them in a pretty short space of time.

But the money is not what you want.

You don’t think so – let me ask you this. Suppose I gave you $100,000,000 but you could never spend it, nor borrow against it. You would have it, but could do nothing with it.

Pointless right.

Which just goes to show that’s it’s not the money you want, but the things you think you can do with the money. But ultimately, it’s not even about the things you would get, or do, or see.

It’s about the feelings that you think you’ll experience from the having, the doing or the seeing.

As humans, we are all about the emotional states that we feel. I have a fun practice with patients in my office whenever they say “I’m fine”. I teach them that fine is not a state or a condition, but an acronym. F.I.N.E stands for frustrated, irritable, neurotic and emotional. :) It’s actually a joke between Holly and me, because whenever a woman says she’s FINE, she’s probably in one if not all four of those states.

So our emotional state determines the quality of lives, but when we are craving an emotional state, it’s a sign that we are really feeling a deficit of one of our needs.

What did you think of when I mentioned the $100,000,000 earlier? If you thought about paying off your mortgage, chances are you are looking for more certainty. If you thought about an exotic vacation, what you’re craving is variety.

If you thought about using the money to learn a new skill, then you’re focused on growth. If you wanted to buy new clothes, or ‘get some work done’, then you are probably craving significance, which you hope will lead to connection.

The states you crave are your pathway to peace, passion and power over yourself.

This is why I help people become aware of their instincts, their reflexes and their desires. Because the truth of who you are is found in the whisperings of your subconscious, when everything else is quiet, and you can spend time alone with your soul.

Until you learn yourself, you can never heal yourself, and ultimately come to love and accept yourself.

I truly, deeply, madly and passionately believe that the way we improve our world is by giving people the three things that they need now more than ever. Firstly, the unconditional love to allow them to risk being themselves.

Secondly, the tools of understanding so that they can diagnose their own trauma and injuries. Thirdly, the assistance of listening, and guiding them to heal themselves, and find peace.

Because the person who has not peace in their soul cannot spread it abroad to another. Only when we truly move into a place where our needs are fulfilled can we give without transaction, love without taking, and heal without hurting.

When we are sufficient in our needs, we need not from others.

And then the world will know peace.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Failing Due to Fear

Failing Due to Fear.

I was supposed to compete in a Spartan race this last Saturday. I say compete, but what I really mean was survive. 3.5 miles, brutal hill climb, hot high desert, 20 obstacles and many chances to fall and hurt myself.

I signed up for this just under a year ago, and have put a lot of hours into training – but not as many as I should have. I still wasn’t sure whether I would compete or not, right up to the check in line, where I chose spectator instead of competitor.

And in truth, I quit because I was afraid of it.

It’s not like I didn’t have good reasons not to go for it. Sometime in the past week something bit my leg (we’re thinking a spider while sitting in a park, or a mosquito, which my body overreacts to) and my leg swelled up, got red, hurt and itched like crazy.

I still have 3 abrasion burns on my leg from scratching while sleeping, all which require dressings to keep them covered right now.

Also add in the migraine at work on Friday that lead to me sleeping from 8pm until midnight, from which I couldn’t get back to sleep, so by race time I had been up around 28 hours with only 4 hours of pain-filled sleep.

So yeah – I had good reasons not to race, but they weren’t what did it for me.

The truth that I can’t deny, deep in my soul, was that I was afraid. As I watched all the competitors streaming in, I realized that they were in much better shape than I was.

I hadn’t trained anywhere need as much as I needed to, and especially not over the past couple of months. I’ve been under a great deal of emotional strain, and finding the energy to train wasn’t something I found easy.

So I was afraid of the race, of looking out of place, of the physical risks of such an intense activity, and of failing.

As I watched my 20-year-old open-heart surgery survivor son run away from the start line, I felt more of a failure than I usually do, which honestly is quite a lot anyway. We were supposed to run this together.

There he was, with a diagnosed heart murmur, being willing to push his body harder than he had ever done before. His courage and dedication moved me while it made me ashamed for my failure to be ready.

So while he ran, I waited.

As he came around the last corner, still facing 5-6 obstacles, he was in great spirits, strong and powerful. I watched him dive into a mud hole, swing from rings, jump over fire, hoist a heavy sandbag on a rope and climb a huge frame. I didn’t see any fear in his eyes, just a power and a determination that filled me with such joy, while reminding me of what I didn’t have that day.

I had to endure feeling weak, ashamed of myself, and knowing that I had let him down.

Since I don’t have a great relationship with my father, most of my role models have been from fiction. In Batman Begins, Alfred Pennyworth asks Bruce Wayne a question, and with his next breath answers it. “Why do we fall Master Wayne?”

As Bruce says nothing, Alfred gives the answer… “so that we may learn to pick ourselves up”. So I got up early on Sunday morning, and hit the treadmill for a bit. I hope to do a lot more of that in the near future.

Because on Saturday, my will and my heart failed me, and I fell in my own estimation.

So now I need to pick myself up. I can’t erase what happened on Saturday – life just doesn’t work that way. All I can do is push forward, and make sure that next year I am ready to stand and fight in the same place where I fell and quit. I’m going to have to fight harder, train longer, run further and lift heavier than I have done before, and keep my mind focused where it needs to be.

Because in the end, failure only beats us when we let it, and I can’t do that again.

I’m sharing this today because I’m sure there is someone out there who feels like a failure right now. Please know that I’m right there with you, and also know that the only way you’ve really failed is if you stop trying.

Maybe all you can do is pick yourself up again and try again to do whatever it is that you want to achieve. To you I would say – please try. Because knowing that you are trying is the only antidote I know to feeling like a failure.

And that’s not what I want for either of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Double-Edged Sword of Your Instincts

The Double-Edged Sword of Your Instincts.

You know it as soon as you see it. This is the one. All of your senses come alive, and you feel the universe clicking into place. Your heart rate quickens, your respirations increase, and you experience the thrill of knowing that this is it. Everything within you screams that this is your moment….

And you were wrong.

Ever had this experience? It could be over a relationship, a purchase, an amazing hand in a game of cards…. whatever. Although everything felt right, it came out to be wrong.

Your instincts lied, and you were left wondering what happened, and questioning every thought that you ever trusted, ever impression that you ever based a decision off of.

And yet most of the time, our instincts are right.

It’s a universal constant that we filter situations through our instincts, and it’s also a universal constant that sometimes we are going to get it wrong. Because when we talk about instincts, we’re really talking about the millions of small judgments that go into everything we decide, and they are taking palce deep inside our subconscious, where we feel rather than know.

These judgments are based on our experiences, based on our interpretations, and sometimes, based on what we want to happen, rather than what is happening.

Because when our desires drive our instincts, things get messy, and when things get messy, the answers go wrong.

It can be hard to listen to your ‘inner voice’ or your ‘gut’, or whatever euphemism you substitute to describe the whisperings of your subconscious as it desperately tries to get your conscious mind’s attention. Sometimes your instincts talk to you quietly, and sometimes they scream.

But if your wants or your fears are crying louder than your instincts, you risk being over-run with wishes instead of knowledge.

Which rarely ends up well.

So how do you tell the difference, and quiet your mind long enough to make the right choice? It starts by having faith in yourself, and the courage to know that you will be ok, no matter what happens.

Then you begin by examining each answer that your subconscious gives, each instinctive feeling that you experience, and you see if it is making you happy without reason, or sad without consequence.

In my experience, the true side of my sword of instinct is generally a mixture of both.

But once you learn to question your instincts, you’ll find the pattern of the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, and you’ll see in your soul the patterns of needs and desires that can distort the truth of what your instincts have been telling you all along.

When you understand the distortions, you can ‘fine tune’ your instincts to work for you, rather than against you. You can screen each decision, and each moment, against a cleaner, clearer and crisper pattern of instincts that will become the doorway to the authenticity of your soul, and of your purpose.

Once you know your instincts, you’ll know yourself better than ever.

And then you can move forward with a greater faith, and a happier heart.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Your Personal Desire for Peace

Your Personal Desire for Peace.

How do you define peace? I know that sounds like kind of a crazy question, but I promise you that if you think about it, the process of creating that answer will reveal more of you to yourself than you have probably ever known.

Because our personal definition of peace tells us so much about who we are, and what’s important to us.

Some things you knew, and some that were a mystery.

Because peace isn’t just about what happening to you at the moment; it’s about the sum total of everything you’re thinking about right now. Your challenges and concerns, your failings and your fears.

The malevolent cacophony of questions and answers that suffuse, surround, and sometimes suffocate you. The background hum of our own personal universe can drown out the beautiful music of the moment if we allow too many things to overpower and overwhelm us.

Changing peace into peril, and calm into chaos.

When I tried to define peace for myself, it involved a lot of things. I’d like to share a few of those with you for a moment, in the hopes that you can learn something about yourself in the process.

The truths we see in others are often reflections of the truth we can’t see in ourselves. That’s why sharing and having people around us is so important, because we learn when others are open with us.

As I hope I can be here today.

For me, peace starts out with as much certainty as I can achieve. Coming from a background where we had less than those around us, and even sometimes that was under question, my personal recipe for peace begins with an incredibly profound need for security. Usually financial, but also personal.

But without significance, my peace would be hollow.

Because as someone who felt ‘less than’ for most of my growing up years (let’s say 8 years and older), I struggle with feeling like I have value, so peace to me would also involve a sense of personal significance that is hard to come by.

I still struggle with the programming that teaches me that in order to have value (significance) then I have to achieve something amazing.

Which goes against all I know, but not yet against all I feel.

Yet for me to really be at peace, I must have my wife there. Connection is another of my deep needs, and without her, I’m lost. Her presence comforts and calms my soul, allowing me the freedom to be and create and to dream. Without her, there would be no peace, just a void of longing where she used to be.

My kids run a close second on that, because I have amazing relationships with both of them.

But with all this, there would still be one thing missing.

Because last in the list of the 6 human needs is contribution, the ability and desire to give back, and that’s where you come in. In over 18 months of writing these reflections, I’ve come to love doing this, and sharing my thoughts and ideas with you.

Your likes, shares and comments are so precious and meaningful to me that I can’t express how much you mean to me, and how grateful I am for your kindness in supporting this work.

So in a brief nutshell, that’s how peace gets defined for me.

And now, I’m really, really curious…would you share what peace looks like for you?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Letting Go

Letting Go.

It is said that the ultimate desire of the Buddha was to live without want (which if you think about it is kind of an oxymoron, but I think that’s part of the idea).

I’ve been meditating a lot on that recently, especially as I’m trying to let go of some things right now. Some good things that no longer serve me, some things that have been harmful for me…

And some things that just don’t resonate with me anymore.

Our childhood is a time of learning patterns of behavior. Depending upon the people and the circumstances around us, they could be good patterns, they could be bad, or they could be ones that are just outdated. Sometimes we learn to run from pain, and sometimes we learn that we need to face it head on, whatever the cost.

But some pains are caused by the things we used to hold so dear.

In the coaching world, we often use the phrase ‘limiting belief’ to indicate a thought pattern that someone holds on to out of fear, but that actually holds them back.

Unwilling or emotionally unable to let go, the person persists in a painful pattern of repetitive actions that feed back into more pain, until they are finally able to break free from a belief which held them captive, but is now realized as no truth at all.

Then they begin the long walk upon the path of letting go.

At first it’s scary, because we cling to the belief that we have or be something in order to be loved. We fail to realize that our very sentience, our awareness, our consciousness is all we ever need, and that our divinity, and our nobility, comes not from what we hold, but who we choose to be.

When you understand that, and feel it in your soul, you will have begun to learn the lesson.

And that lesson will drive you forwards, and onwards, and most importantly…. Inwards.

Because the secret of letting go is to change who you are so that you don’t need anything anymore. Then it’s not so much about letting go as it is giving away. When you go inwards, you learn a balancing of the self, a point of peace inside your soul that serves as your foundation for everything that happens next.

Which is when the real work begins.

It starts by focusing on yourself, and learning and coming to terms with who you are. It continues with processing and healing the emotional traumas of your past that have been holding you back, and ends when you learn to become self sufficient in the balance of your emotional needs.

Once you have found peace and significance within yourself, you have no more need for things, or outcomes.

You are free to experience life in every moment, without want, without need.

Just being you, surrendering to the wonder of the universe.

Which is why you are really here anyway.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Lost

Lost.

It’s a terrifying thing, to make a change big enough to rock your world. The decision is usually difficult enough, but once you’ve made that change, you have to deal with the fallout.

That’s bad enough if you know where you are going, but in my experience, sometimes the change that you make is just one of knowing that you have to be somewhere other than where you are right now.

So you make a move, and then things get ‘weird’.

Because without a firm destination, you become lost; adrift in a sea of a million possibilities, without direction, without understanding, and most of all, without anything that feels familiar.

It’s real easy to second guess yourself at the point, and start to question your judgment, your sanity, and most of all your purpose in making the change in the first place.

In the valley of the lost, the questions come fast, and they don’t come fair.

Second guessing ourselves is a terrible habit, because there’s no one better at judging all our mistakes than ourselves. We know our weaknesses, we know our faults. We know the hidden vanities and sadness that drive our decisions if we allow them.

So when things get weird, which they do when we’re lost, we tend to look over ourselves with a critical eye, and find a host of things to beat ourselves up over. We ask ourselves so many questions, trying to find a moment of security in an ocean of uncertainty.

And when you’re in the valley of the lost, the uncertainty drives so many self-defeating behaviors
.
In my coaching work, I focus heavily on helping people find their ‘Why’. I do this because your ‘Why’ defines your directions, and ultimately your destinations. ‘Why’ helps you to know where you are going to end up, even if you don’t have a clue how you are going to get there.

It gives you a reason to set your feet on that journey, even when you’re not sure where you are supposed to place them next.

Being lost is often the first way-point on the way to your destination.

So the next time you find yourself lost after making a huge jump in your life, the first thing I would suggest is allowing yourself the freedom to make uncertain changes.

We’re so comfortable with certainty (one of our six human needs) that we can become angry with ourselves when we make a change that removes some of our certainty, exposing us to fear, potential ridicule, and that always lurking fear in the darkness…failure.

And our fear of failure is driven by a fear that we will not be loved if we make a mistake.

So if you can find a place for it the next time you make a change, allow yourself the kindness of grace.

Know that the change you have made might be taking you through the valley of the lost right now, but it may also lead you into a place where you feel at home, and happier than you have ever been.

The greatest journeys ever told usually start with someone having no idea what they were supposed to do next.
And then doing something anyway.

The greatest choices always start with a feeling of being lost, often being alone, and frequently with a plethora of self doubt. They only way to overcome these feelings is to move forward, further into the fear, deeper into the darkness, and find your way through into the new world that awaits you.

I can’t promise you an easy time, and I can’t promise you that it will always be fun.

But it will be authentically you, and that has a power all of its own.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I don’t have to be right, I only have to be me

I don’t have to be right, I only have to be me.

Do you ever feel anxious? I think all of us do at some time in our lives, depending upon circumstances. Maybe we’re facing a test at school, or in our profession. Maybe it’s a difficult conversation with a family member that could turn out to be the start of a troublesome period of your relationship.

Or maybe it’s just something small and simple, like a decision that could change the course of the rest of your life :)

And you fear getting it wrong.

Not just wrong in the ‘going from an A to a B’ type of wrong, but more like the ‘this could change the entire course of the rest of my life’ wrong. A wrong so profound that you think that the earth should stop spinning for a moment, and the birds go silent. Where the stars should go out and both heaven and earth mourn the moment of your decision.

Because some decisions seems just that momentous.

But here’s a little secret. 99.9% of the time, they’re not. Because the really hard choices aren’t usually between something good and something bad – they are the easy choices, the ones you make so deep in your soul that it’s never a conscious choice that you’re aware of.

No, the really soul burning ones are mostly a choice between two good or two bad choices.

And like it or not, you have to choose.

Many years ago I struggled with a very difficult decision. In the end I made a choice that was to change my life, and cost me almost 10 years of sadness and difficulty. The outcome still affects me today.

Yet looking back, with all the hindsight I posses, I’m still not sure I made the wrong choice. The alternative could have been better, but it also could have been a lot, lot worse.

The truth is, I’ll never know what I should have chosen, and I’m becoming ok with never knowing.

Because unless you think that your life is one straight line, a perfect linear absolute laid out in front of you, there comes a point when you realize that life is about switching tracks, and trying to find the one that works best for you.

And in that one sentence lies the answer to all of your difficult choices, all those moments where you wondered which way to go.

You simply have to pick the one that most authentically feels right for you.

Now please understand, I’m not advocating narcissism here. Right for you may be the one that you feel is the choice you can live with that will benefit someone you love, even while making your life more complex.

That’s ok, as long as you are clear on why you are making it, and making that choice of your own free will, having cleared out as many latent emotional traumas as you can.

Because when you realize that the ‘right choice’ is the one that fits you best, it’s no longer a matter of ‘right and wrong’ with consequences to rock the universe. Instead, it’s just a question of which is the better fit for the person you are in your soul.

Realizing that you will never get them all right, all you can do is feel which one resonates best with your heart and mind, and then choose that way, and give it all you have.

Most of the time, we can make our choices work out, and if we can’t, well then we’ve learned something that may be of use in the future. As long as you learn something, it wasn’t a failure, just a lesson in what not to do next time.

I’d like to leave you with a phrase today that so touched me at a time in my life, and which has helped me make decisions going forwards.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced’.

May you find peace, love, joy and happiness in your experience, and may we sit one day and talk about it together.

I’d love to hear your story.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The tired, old, worn out book on the shelf.

The tired, old, worn out book on the shelf.

Its cover a little frayed around the edges, the tired old book waited on the shelf for someone to read it. If you had happened upon it, you might be mistaken for believing that the book had little to offer.

There were scuffs on the leather, which once was probably beautiful, but not anymore. The title, embossed in a stunning gold leaf, was now barely readable. The book looked like it had seen many better days, but probably very few worse.

And so it sat on the shelf, and waited for a reader to come.

Had it been picked up, the first thing the reader would have discovered were many, many dog-eared pages. This was obviously a book that had been read a multitude of times, probably by far more than a few people.

The pages, which once had been sandwiched together, were now crinkled and warped, resisting each other with a gentle but definite pushing back. Even the spine of the book was weary from too many openings, and had started to detach from the binding.

In short, this book was not pretty, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be powerful.

For had a reader bothered to turn the pages, they would have found notes scrawled in the margins, passages underlined and highlighted, and cryptic questions written in different hands.

Although some of the pages contained more handwriting than typeface, the message of the book was still there, waiting to bless another soul with its timeless wisdom, and hidden secrets.

This was a book that could enlarge your mind, empower your spirit and heal your soul, but because it looked a little less than perfect, it remained unread, ignored and alone.

“Had I but known” the reader said, “I would have read it cover to cover”. “Had you but tried” the book replied, “I would have shared with you my soul”.

I can tell you that in my life, I have been that guilty reader, who has passed by another person’s story, another fount of wisdom, another human book of wisdom, because they did not meet my idea of attractive, successful or wise.

So many things that I could have learned from another, if only I could have laid down my insecurities, and been willing to listen to someone who did not seem to be like the me who I wanted to be.

But I foolishly judged the books by their covers, to the eternal detriment of my soul.

For as human stories, the chapter headings of our lives are often writ large upon the body that we present to the world, and sometimes those pages are not full of joy and sunshine.

The way we show up in the world is the summary of all the pages of our history, all the chapters of times, and all the words, both good and bad, that have gone into making up our story.

And a person who bears the scars has often taken from those wounds, the wisdom.

Let us not pass by those human stories who differ from us in faith, finances, thought, color or creed. For as the tired, old, worn out book on the shelf had so many mysteries and wonders to share with its reader, so each of us have in our hearts a wonderful human story to share with each other and the world.

Though our covers may be old, or large, or scarred, or colored, our stories within can shine brightly into the universe, regaling all who listen with the beauty, majesty and divinity of the human soul.

May we all take time to read and share stories, both in book and human form.

The world will be a kinder and wiser place when we do.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Danger of Disconnection

The Danger of Disconnection.

Since the dawn of time, we humans have struggled to be connected to each other. Through participating in an intimate relationship, being a part of a family, competing as part of a team or identifying as part of a nation, most people seem to have an innate desire to be connected to somebody else.

It’s actually such a part of our makeup that people who lack that desire are identified as having a pathology.

For most of us, connection allows us to be vulnerable, and open up to others.

There’s probably nothing more important for the emotional health and well-being of a person than having someone who they can talk to. I don’t mean just at a surface level, but somebody who you can really go deep with, who you can share your deepest fears and darkest secrets with.

Because sometimes the words inside of our heads don’t match the reality of the world outside of it, but we’re so close to the problem that we can’t see it.

One of my favorite sayings is “you can’t read the label on your own jar”.

In case you hadn’t guessed from my writing, I’m one of those people that other people like to open up to. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking as a Chiropractor to have a patient come in to the office to get adjusted, and to realize that during the course of our time together that what they really need is someone to listen and make them feel heard, make them feel alive, make them feel human.

I sacrificed more than a few lunchtimes just listening.

Because there’s something incredibly validating about sitting down with somebody who is actually listening to you as a friend, as a partner or just as a human being. When somebody listens they are saying that we are worthy of being listened to, that we have value, that we have something to share and that our life has meaning.

Anyone who has been ignored repeatedly can tell you how brutally painful that can be, especially if it’s someone who claims to care about you.

The pain of that disconnection can sometimes be too much to bear.

Yet in all of the relationships that we have, that provide us the essence of connection, the greatest disconnect I find as I coach people is a profound, intense and heartbreaking disconnection with the truth of who we really are.

Some people live their whole lives never finding the truth of who they were born to be, and even more disheartening are those people who know, but are unable to put the pieces together to make it happen.

There’s nothing worse than knowing who you are supposed to be, and knowing that you are not.
So today I invite you to look at the relationships in your life, and see where you can strengthen, and see where you may need to build.

I know it can be scary, and I know it can be hard, but the way we build connections with others is simply by being authentic, approachable and kind.

Sometimes all we have to do is reach out to another while letting go of our fears.

Because all of us in our lives need a good friend. It’s not the quantity of your friendships that matter, but it’s the quality, the depth, the honesty and the connection.

Those are the things that make life worth living, and give us incredible moment of joy and happiness.

And can help us find who we really are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: For the Love of Dog

For the Love of Dog

If you’re not a dog person, or an animal person, please hang in there, I promise there’s a point to this. :)

7 months ago we invited Cocoa into our home. At that time, just 11 weeks old, she was tiny. Adorably cute, incredibly inquisitive and with serious desire for food, she took over our house in short order, and within a day or so it felt like she had always been here. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and her joy contagious.

But dogs don’t stay puppies for very long, and our sweet girl is no exception.

As she became bigger, her personality began to develop. She became a little feisty, not in an aggressive way, but in a playful, teasing and testing way. 

Pushing the boundaries to see what she could get away with, and pretending shame and contrition when she got called out on something. I think the smallest unit of measurable time is how long it takes her to go from being ashamed, to being precocious.

She also became opinionated.

She has a very definite policy on the ownership of food (it’s all hers), and the time we need to go to bed as a family. Her frustrated sighs when she doesn’t get what she wants can rival any hormonal teenager, and her ability to talk back when told No is as funny as it can be frustrating. 

Yet for all of the frustrating things that she can do, we love her in a way that is beyond understanding.

And that was where I realized the lesson of her presence in our home.

It wasn’t that she brought love into our home, although she certainly did, but it was so much more. She gave us a focus through which to pour our love, and in a way, she gave us someone to serve. 

Each of us have created our own relationship with this wonderful little girl, and found our reservoir of love overflowing with joy at the chance to be around her.

Because the funny thing about love is that the more you give it away, the more of it you have to give.

It’s true that you have to be careful who you give your love to, but in most cases, loving someone despite their flaws blesses not only your life, but the life of the person who you are sending love to. 

All of us know that we have our flaws, and our failings, yet all of us desire to be loved and connected with someone else, regardless of their flaws and failings.

Love is about seeing past the surface blemishes, and polishing the diamond underneath, so that you can see the light reflecting outward into the world.

And while the person you love may not be as cute as our puppy, they probably haven’t chewed up as many shoes, nor eaten as many ear-plugs (absolutely serious on that), nor barked at random people walking in front of your house.

I guess this post is really about Love. 

We all want it, we all desire to feel it, and we all are worthy and deserving of it, no matter who we are. The more we give it, the more we will receive and have to give away. 

There’s nothing in the world like being loved, and no greater gift that we can give.

I’d love to write more, but right now Cocoa is expressing her profound frustration that I haven’t gone to bed yet. If someone ever tells you that dogs can’t talk, don’t believe them. She may not use the same words, but her eyes, and her voice, speak volumes. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I have said it and made it true

I have said it and made it true.

Have you ever carried something inside of your mind for so long that it seemed perfectly normal, and perfectly real? A way of looking at the world that made sense as long as it was able to skulk around in the back of your soul, whispering half-truths of comfort and full lies of fear. 

Darkness was its ally, silence its playground, and it feared only one thing, just one small thing.

The light of day.

I can’t tell you how many times a thought has found its way into my head and stayed there so long that it practically declared citizenship. Usually these are things that sound truthful by playing on our fears, and yet they slowly poison our sense of hope and our enjoyment of the many wonderful experiences and people that are around us. 

Suborning our subconscious, it whispers to our weaknesses and dances in the darkness.

Until we bring it forwards into the light.

Because there’s something miraculous about writing or speaking all those things that lurk in the back of our minds. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience of hearing yourself admit something you’ve been feeling, only to realize just how ridiculous it sounds when you speak it into reality. 

There’s something about making it real in speech or in writing that forces your brain to look at it more closely, with deeper intensity and understanding.

And then you realize just how powerless it really was.

When I started this work 18 months ago I began with only a feeling, a tugging at my soul and a desire to shine a light into my subconscious and understand more about myself. 

Had I known what I was starting, and realized the changes that this work would create in me, I would have been equally excited and scared at the prospect.

Because I have found a strange sense of peace as I have journeyed through my soul, and a greater appreciation for the wonder of our shared humanity.

I have come to understand so much more of who I am and why I think and behave the way I do. I have even found a begrudging sense of self acceptance and a quiet admiration of some of my attributes. As someone who grew up feeling pretty worthless, that’s kind of a strange sensation, but a welcome one.

And I have been humbled beyond belief and filled with gratitude for you, and the way you support this work. 

Those of you who have liked and commented, those of you who have shared your stories, those of you who have messaged me your fears, and especially those of you who have reached out for help and been gracious and trusting enough to allow me the privilege of offering you some small measure of advice.

All of this began by writing thoughts out of my head, and making them real in the world.

Because once something becomes real, you can see whether it is good or not. You can take what works, and leave what doesn’t on the roadside. 

Your journey will be easier, your days will be brighter, and you will find a greater measure of peace in your heart as you do a little pruning and weeding in the garden of your soul.

By bringing it into the light in deciding if it is good.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings