Why are you not grateful?
I am probably the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met, and please understand, I’m not using false modesty here. I honestly struggle with being grateful, even though there are people in my life who have been incredibly kind and generous towards me.
And while I have gone out of my way to express my gratitude to them, I really wish I felt it more than I do.
And that’s a difficult thing to admit.
Because I have so many things to be grateful for. I have an incredible wife who manages to put up with my many, many weaknesses and failings. I have two wonderful children, who are growing into incredible young men.
The relationship I have with them is beyond explanation.
I have a wonderful extended family who have welcomed me into their lives without exception, and I love my wife, kids and family more than I can ever fully express.
Yet still I don’t feel as grateful as I think I should.
So I’ve struggled with this question for a long time, and as usual, the answer came to me while I was writing this reflection.
Initially this post was about how our expectations blind us to the things that can make us grateful, because when we don’t get our own way, or life doesn’t meet our expectations, we feel like we have been cheated and focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we do.
But I realized that wasn’t the complete answer, and that I needed to go deeper.
So I spent more time thinking, meditating and wondering, until the truth arrived calmly and clearly. What struck me as funny was that it was the application of a truth I had seen in others, but had yet been unable to see in myself. (I’ll never cease to be amazed at how blind we are to the truths of ourselves). Once I understood this, everything else made more sense.
While I was grateful, the things I was grateful for were not the things my soul desperately hungers for.
Let me try to explain it to you this way. Imagine you found a homeless man on a sidewalk in the middle of winter. He had no shoes, no coat, and nowhere to shelter from the cold. Out of your kindness you gave him shoes, and a coat, and he thanked you for them and went on his way.
While he was grateful for the things you had given him, his soul still hungered for a place to stay, and more importantly, a way out of his personal darkness that had led him to be there in the first place.
His deeper needs were overpowering his ability to feel as grateful as he could have otherwise been.
Thankfully I have never been homeless, and I don't mean to equate my problems with those who are. I use this analogy to explain some of the needs I have because of the feelings in my soul.
Although I have shoes, I struggle to find confidence. Although I have a coat, I struggle to find a sense of acceptance of myself. Although I have a home, I struggle feeling like I am enough, worthy of love and acceptance.
And these deep needs sometimes overwhelm me, and smother the gratitude I would otherwise feel.
Which leaves me in a difficult place, because none of these needs are things that can be given by anyone else.
If I am to find confidence, I must face my fears and work through them. If I am to find an acceptance of myself, I have to find a place in my soul for self compassion. If I am to feel like I am enough, I have to find the ability to love myself in spite of my many flaws.
Once I find those things within me, I hope I will also discover the gratitude that eludes me.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings