Morning Reflection: The House of Black or White

The House of Black or White

Am I a good man? It’s a question that I struggle with on a daily basis. I try to live according to my principles, and yet sometimes I fail. I try to treat others with the utmost respect and kindness, as I believe they should be treated. 

But sometimes I fail. I try to find truth in the never-ending chaos and insanity that is life, and I fail time and time again.

And so I wonder if I am good.

Many years ago I had a very deep conversation with a good friend of mine. When I say good, he is honestly one of those people for whom being good seems to be no kind of challenge at all. 

It’s like being good for him is so natural that he doesn’t even realize that there is even an option to be bad. It would be so out of character for him that it’s practically unimaginable.

So I guess you can add another character flaw to my list, because I’m incredibly jealous of him.

We were discussing the concept of agency, free will, and the choice we make regarding how we treat people. I explained to him that I thought he was a better man than I am because being bad was never an option for him. He countered that if that was true then I was the better man because I constantly had to choose.

If only he knew how hard those choices are sometimes.

For the longest time I’ve struggled with the nature/nurture question. If you’ve read my writings for any length of time, you probably see me share some of the demons of my soul. 

Coming from a fairly dysfunctional childhood can do that, and yet I’ve seen people come from worse who are just naturally “good” people. I’ve also seen people come from better childhoods who turn out to be “worse”.

Reality, it seems, is long questions and very short on answers.

I struggle especially today (Sunday as I write this) because it’s Father’s Day here in the US, and so we celebrate the fathers in our lives. My relationship with my father is virtually nonexistent, and I struggle with the kind of father that I have been. 

I will say that I have amazing relationships with both of my children, and they have very rarely heard me raise my voice. I have tried to parent under principles of kindness, honesty, respect and love, and they both tell me that I have been an amazing father.

But it never matters the words you hear from outside, if the words inside don’t match.

All I see are the things that I could have done better. I see the things that I could not give them that I wished I could have. I see missed opportunities, things in their lives that have been harder because I was not able to be better as a father. 

I honestly believe that their goodness is not a result of my parenting, but a reflection of the wonderful men that they always were.

In short, I have to live with the knowledge that I have not been as good a father as I wanted to be, and so I struggle with the question of if I was good enough. But that is one of those questions that we will never know in this life. 

Some questions don’t have answers, they have possibilities. You can spend the rest of your life beating yourself up for an answer that is never going to arrive.

And really the question isn’t for me to decide. The answer would make no difference.

Because tomorrow I’m still going to wake up and have to make those choices. Tomorrow I’m still going to wake up and have to struggle with my strengths of my weaknesses. 

Tomorrow is going to be full of decisions, and all I can keep doing is making sure that I choose the one that I think is right.

Not necessarily because it will make me “good”, but because I think it’s the right thing to do. 

And that’s all I can ask of myself.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Water Reality

Photo credit to Jared Barnes.

The Water Reality

I always loved the ocean. Growing up on the south coast of England, the ocean was a 10 minute drive. Often it was too cold to go in the water, but you could sit on the beach, and listen to the wisdom of the waves as they pounded relentlessly onto the shore. 

Wave after wave, hour after hour, year after year. Teaching us lessons, if only we would listen.

I took me a long time, but I think I’m finally learning.

And I started with the simple lessons, like how water can assume any shape you give it. From this I discovered that life was best lived to the fullness of all I could be. The water does not complain about the size of the container, it just fills as much of it as it can. I also realized that water was water, no matter the shape or the volume or the orientation.

Water is water, like humans are human.

When I learned about the states of water, it helped me realize that we are often in different states of being, yet they are still all part of the whole. The ice that becomes water that becomes steam is the steam that can become water and turn to ice. So it is with the times of lives, passing between sorrow and calm and joy and back again.

The transitions are a part of the journey, and are necessary to the experience of the whole.

I learned that water can obscure my vision as rain, yet the very same water can clean a window, or a lens, to allow me to see clearly. So the water is never the problem, only the way that I see it. That taught me to look for the good in every situation, and helped me understand that there is never a meaning to an experience until I assign it.

And as I can use the water for my benefit, so I can use the experience for good if I choose to.

For water is neither good, nor evil, yet it is essential to life. 

From water does all life flow – be it in the trillions of cells that make up our bodies, or the rain that grows the plants and trees that are so very necessary to allow our continued existence on this ocean floating in the stars. Without it we suffer, without it we starve, without it we die.

How curious that our most precious molecule is one of the most abundant.

But the water had one more lesson to teach me, but this took me a long time to understand. In its components parts of hydrogen and oxygen, they will cause fire to burn hotter and faster, to the consumption and destruction of all around it. 

Yet bound together, water reduces and removes the flames, instead bringing the gift of coolness and calm.

Is there a better way to show us the need to work together, as families, as partners, as nations and as a world? Only bound together can we overcome the destructiveness of our human nature, and find growth and gratitude for the blessings of life that we have been given. 

Alone we are powerless against the storms of life, but together we can withstand all that would stand against us. 

Such is the reality of water, such is the reality of our lives.

I feel I must return to the ocean again soon. There are more lessons to learn, and I have been gone too long from my teacher. 

(I'm so happy to share today's picture with you, for it was taken by my son. Early in the morning, he saw the beauty of the morning dew, and shared a small portion of his incredible talent with all of us.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Dangerous Vice of Your Virtues

The Dangerous Vice of Your Virtues.

As humans, we seem driven by the notions of right and wrong. We seem to like black and white answers in a universe of so many colors, because it makes choosing easier. If you’ve got an even chance between getting it right and getting it wrong, then it’s an easier choice to make than if you know that your chance of getting it right is one in ten, or one in fifty.

So we try to see everything as good and evil.

Most of us honestly try to do what we think is good, and yet we are able to garner some measure of understanding when someone chooses something other than that which we think is right. 

That is, until it comes to something that we think is a virtue, because then all bets are off, and we move into the dangerous arena where our desire to feel superior goes to battle against our inclination to be kind.

Because seeing someone do something we feel is in opposition to virtue has the terrible tendency to make us feel like we are right.

Which can become very addictive. 

Before we are aware of it, we begin to judge everyone by the standards that we feel are virtuous, and gravitate only to those who share our self-defined version of virtue, wholesomeness and worthiness. In the blink of an eye, we divide the world into those who are good, and those who are not.

And guess which side of the line we always fall on.

There’s a peculiar danger in judging your own virtues, in that we can very soon find ourselves puffed up in our own importance, secure in the knowledge of our own goodness as we see those around us choose what we consider unclean and unworthy. 

In doing so, we spend so much time looking at the errors of others that we cannot see the hardness of our own hearts, and our separation from those who might not look, feel, or believe like we do.

As with all addictions, isolation follows, and then a bitterness sinks in.

Whenever I find myself judging someone, I try to stop and see just how many things we have in common, rather than counting those things on which we disagree, and look for all the ‘virtues’ that we share, which are so many. 

I have found this to be a powerful exercise in community and caring, forcing me to find the common humanity in our existence, rather than finding solace in my imagined superiority.

You’ll be amazed at how many wonderful people are around you when you seek for the good in them, rather than seeing what you consider to be the bad.

For me, this practice has helped me to see the divine spark in everyone (well, almost everyone… :) ) around me. It changes my interactions with those who might be or believe differently, and it helps me step into the world each day with a greater peace, a stronger sense of love, and a deeper desire to serve in any way that I can.

For there is good in this world, and in people, if we will only train our eyes to see it, and our souls to find it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Moment

The Moment.

It’s funny how you can spend your whole life waiting for a moment to arrive, but when it does, you’re surprised by it. 

Maybe you’ve dreamed about it, or prayed about it, or worked so hard to make it all possible. Maybe it just showed up out of the blue, without warning or understanding, and you’re left with a feeling like life will never, ever, be that same again.

And it never, ever will be.

Usually for me, these types of moments show up when a situation occurs that forces me to do something that I’ve been struggling to push myself to do. 

Then the universe decides to align events to give me a helping hand, even though at the time it feels like the weight of the world dropping onto my shoulders, as the lights go out, the sirens go off and every pathway is blocked, except the one I have been desperately avoiding.

These moments are usually known as a divine storm, but when I’m in them, they can feel like the end of the world.

But sometimes it’s the other side of that equation. Sometimes it’s that magical moment where you feel the Lego blocks of the universe slide into place, and deep in your soul you hear that quiet profound ‘click’, and you see, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, how the pieces were always going to come together. 

And your heart skips a beat, as you realize you have crossed a line, and moved into another time period in your life.

I had one of those yesterday evening. As I sat down to write today’s reflection, which was going to be something completely different, I felt that small shift in my soul that helped me realize a moment had just arrived. While it filled me with a sense of excitement, there was also a very healthy side of fear, nervousness, anxiety and dread.

Because this moment was the one where I knew I had to start becoming who I have been trying to be.

I think many of us have a knowledge of who are really are, deep in our hearts. We probably don’t think about it too often, because it’s kind of scary. To borrow a quote from Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us”. 

Have you ever felt that way?

As I sat quietly in the time after that moment hit me, I heard all the usual statements running through my head. How I’m not good enough, not smart enough; how I’ll screw it up somehow; how people will laugh at me. How crazy I am to think that I have something to offer the world, and that anyone will take me seriously.

But this time, they are quieter. Still there, but in their own way less sure of themselves. I think even the voice of my subconscious felt the moment pass through me, and it’s not sure of what happens next. No one is. The only thing that is certain now is change, and uncertainty.

But that’s ok. 

I have survived all the uncertain moments of my life up to this point and in some way they have been preparing me for this one. I managed to live through every change so far, even though some have hurt me deeply.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my track record for surviving a moment in my life has been pretty good so far, so I’ll trust in that and move forwards.

And you know, your track record for surviving things is pretty good too. 

What’s your next moment going to be?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Collateral

Collateral

A common experience running through the heart of humanity is that all of us at some time have been hurt by the actions of someone else. I’ve seen enough of life to know of the terrible cruelty that can be perpetrated by one person to another, intentionally and with malice. 

And while that is a horrible thing to endure, I think the counterpoint is much more common than we realize.

Because many times we get hurt or damaged by someone who did not intend it.

For many years I was extremely angry with my father for many parts of my childhood. The fact that we haven’t spoken in probably 15 years is kind of indicative of that. Yet a few years ago something shifted in my soul, and I was able to realize that while his actions were malignant, there did not seem to be any deliberate intention, or malice, on his behalf.

In his own way, he was damaged by his father, and that damage ricocheted onto me.

From what I understand from the very little I know of my father’s father, that was not intentional either. He seemed to be a good sort of a man, trying to make his way in the world. I believe he tried to do what he thought was right, even though it turned out to be the completely wrong thing to do. 

Regardless of his best efforts, my father was collateral damage.

And I was the collateral damage of my father.

I wish I could tell you that it stops there, but that would fly in the face of reason, experience and basic common sense. I can see that my wife and my children have in some ways been the collateral damage that I never intended, as I have tried to work through my own weakness, trials and failings. 

I have to live with that, and in some ways, I think it’s harder than had I done something willfully.

Because failing to do enough can feel like a worse scar on your soul than doing something you shouldn’t have. Because doing something bad gives you one thing to feel sorry for, whereas failing to do enough is a never ending list of things that you could have done, had you known better, or tried harder, and you get to feel sorry for all of those things, not just one.

The truth is that we are all collateral damage from the people we are close to.

My wife has been a collateral damage victim of her parents, just as they were from their parents, and it goes backwards forever. In the same way, our children are the collateral victims from her as well as from me. We are trying to change the things that we see, all the while mindful that there are things we probably don’t see, or won’t see for many years to come.

It’s called parenting. We all do the best we can, knowing that it’s never going to be right.

And it presents me with a difficult conundrum. For in as much as I would beg forgiveness from my children for the damage I have done to them, I realize I should offer forgiveness to my father for the things he did to me…. And I struggle with that. 

Mightily.

Because even though someone isn’t necessarily to blame, it doesn’t take away what was done, and how that still affects us to this day. In not talking to my father, I can’t tell if I am protecting myself from further pain, or preventing the closing of a wound.

I only know that sometimes, even though the damage was never intended, it has been done, and sometimes those who have been hurt deserve the kindness of distance and space to live their own lives in the way that they need to.

Because all of us are just trying to find peace, and sometimes, that comes with a price.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Doubling Down on Madness

Doubling Down on Madness.

So I was prepared to lie. Well, not lie exactly…. Just become a different version of myself for a few minutes. Probably more like the person most people think I am (and would like to be), rather than the person I feel like I am normally. 

The only noticeable difference is that one sounds American (me) while the other (also me, but the person I’d like to be) sounds rather more English.

But the differences below the surface are much more profound.

My wife Holly and I were in our favorite place in the whole world again, up in the mountains. There’s a place we like to stay, and a small city we like to visit. I needed to get away to work on a project, and we also wanted to find some mental peace and quiet.

We also went to look at a house. A dream house. If you remember the one I wrote about several months ago, well let’s just say that this dream house is so much more expensive than the other dream house.

Like a moderate-sized aircraft-type expensive dream house.

Why would I go to look at something I have no visible pathway to owngin? Because if I can’t dream, I’ll stay stuck where I am, and I can’t live with that. So I try to load as many things as I can onto the dream/desire side of the equation, and hopefully the attraction will be enough to compel me to push past my many fears and manifest what I really want in life. 

These type of mental games can drive you crazy, and I felt like I was doubling down on madness looking at a house that is insanely beyond our reach right now.

But we went to look anyway, and it was all I hoped it would be.

The house is at the end of a long, narrow and quiet road that ends in a huge lake. There are very few homes on this road, and I’m guessing they get very little traffic. As we drove in, parked and got out of the car to look at this dream location, a man started walking up the road like he wanted to talk to us. 

Given our older SUV, I think it was pretty obvious we were not viable buyers, and I expected to get asked to leave. I felt kind of embarrassed to be caught somewhere I really had no legitimate reason to be (that British sense of decorum and manners is really strong), and I was prepared to be talked down to and admonished.

So to avoid those feeling and meet his challenge, I decided to become the other me (well, one of them, but more on that another time), the sophisticated Englishman. Americans will let you get away with just about anything if you are British :)

For me to change accents takes a single thought, especially to go back to an English accent. But the strange thing today was that standing outside that house, ready to defend my presence with a very polished, forthright, sophisticated and very British demeanor, I actually felt for a moment like I was the person who could afford it, who belonged there. 

Calm, determined, focused and present. Ready to deal with anything this man had to throw at me with a polite, but very resolute attitude. It's certainly not the person I usually feel like I am

And for one moment, I experienced what being like that really felt like, and it was surprising.

I felt like I was a person who could afford that house, be that successful, that determined, that reliable, that powerful. I’d never experienced that definition of myself until today, and it kind of shocked me. 

Coming from a pretty dysfunctional and economically challenged family, I struggle with a self-definition that makes believing in myself significantly harder than it should be.

But for a few seconds today, I felt like I really was more than the image of myself that I carry in my soul, and I liked it.

The funny thing is, the guy walking towards us went onto a pathway on the other side of the road, and wasn’t coming to speak to us at all. All my mental preparations were unnecessary. I was still English for a few minutes, because Holly likes hearing it, but soon enough I was back to just being the American version of me.

But it made me really ponder the soul-image I hold of myself right now, and how I might change that along the way. 

Because if changing myself is as easy as a thought, and an accent, then maybe my soul-image really isn’t something that can hold me back at all. 

Maybe I can just be the better version of me, and see what happens when I do.

And it got me to thinking… what image do you hold of yourself?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Of What Do You Dream?

Of What Do You Dream?

Don’t tell me you don’t have them, because everybody does. Maybe it’s money beyond counting, or a partner who fulfills your every need, or a house that portrays your status. Maybe it’s for the healing of a loved one, or the return of a family member to the path that you desire them on. Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, as long as you have breath, I’m pretty sure you have a dream.

I know I do.

Mine are complex, multi-faceted and frustrating. Some I would share with everyone, and some I would never admit to anyone. Many a time I’ve been told that my dreams are unrealistic, that there’s no way it could ever work out. 

When I was 12 years old a boy at school made fun of me for having the dream of living in the United States. “It’ll never happen” he said, and he was wrong. I’ve lived longer in this country now than in the country of my birth. I had no idea how it would work out, but it came to pass. 

One down, a million to go.

I dream of being able to help people transform their lives from pain and suffering to joy and happiness. This work is a part of that dream, and I hope one day to look back at this as the foundation from which I was able to do so many good things. 

I didn’t realize exactly where this was going when I started, and I’m still kind of vague on the details and the direction, but I know that I did the most important step almost 18 months ago.
I simply got to work, and started doing what felt right.

Was I afraid that I could look stupid, of course. Did I wonder if anyone would read this…I still do. Did I worry that people would tell me I was a fool to think that I could write – honestly yes. 

But there comes a point where you either have to chase your dreams, or get busy dying, and so I decided to get busy.

And slowly, inexorably, my dream is beginning to come to pass. I still have a long way to go, but I’m moving forward.

But I’m also curious about you. What are your dreams, and what are you doing to make them come to pass? What are the dreams you would tell me about, and which ones would you keep close and hidden, afraid to share because of what you think it says about you? If asked, what would you say is holding you back, and what is driving you forwards? 

What do you really hope to achieve, or to own, or to see, or experience?

And do you understand why you dream that? Because having a dream is good, but knowing why it’s important to you is so much more. Your dreams are really the guideposts to the deepest wants and needs of your soul, expressed in desire, hidden by doubt, and nourished by hope.

Whatever you dream, I hope you have a plan to pursue it, and are following that plan with everything you possess, and every ounce of energy that you have.

I'm here to help in any way that I can.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Eternal Evolution of Time

The Eternal Evolution of Time.

We can’t stop it. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, it’s moving as fast as ever. Even though Mr. Einstein tells us it’s relative (which it is) it’s always going in the same direction. Forward and onward. Relentless in its determination to force us to do things, it challenges us to act, or pay the price of sitting still and doing nothing. 

You can’t bargain with it, reason with it, or try to stop it.

You’re on this ride for however long you get stay a part of it. Although we have some input as to the direction we travel, nothing is certain, not even tomorrow. One day, maybe far off in the future, maybe close around the corner, tomorrow might not be so sure. 

All we know is that with our current understanding, there will come a day that finishes your journey here.

As to what happens next – well, that’s up for a lot of debate.

But no one really knows. We all have different beliefs, hopes and dreams for what comes after life on this earth, but none of us can prove anything. We have to take a lot on faith to believe beyond the now.

Some view that faith as a sign of strength, others as a cry of desperation. Sometimes faith stays the same forever, and other times it changes half way through the ride. 

Sometimes faith is discarded by an admission that we can never know.

But time doesn’t care about your faith. It seems less interested in what you believe than in what you are doing. It doesn’t respond to static conviction, but it certainly seems to notice when you begin to apply your intention in a specific direction, and back it up with effort and most importantly emotion. 

Although we cannot bargain with time and the universe, it does seem that we enlist it’s help in our endeavors.

And by asking for its help, we can ally ourselves with the passing of each day.

Yet asking is not enough, because that only shows a belief that you can ask. To be effective, your belief has to be intertwined with your intention, which proves your belief with action. 

And finally, to resonate with the universe, you have to bring the emotion, the passion, and the gratitude necessary to fill each moment of time granted to you with the power to become what you wish it to be.

I know that sounds like a lot, and it is.

But you can choose to either make time work for you, or you allow time to work upon you. Each minute you waste, each day you let slide, each year you allow to pass into the hereafter and the gone forever is a time you can never retrieve and ‘do-over’. 

Nothing can return that which is lost, including all the chances you had to be the person you wanted to be.

The only thing you can change is what comes next.

So today I invite you to respect the time you have been given by making it count. Do the things you have been putting off, live the dreams you have been too scared to follow, and decide that you will live life to the fullest in every breath, in every heartbeat.

Because once you show up with a desire to live each moment, you'll find that each moment suddenly becomes worth living.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: By What Should I Judge You?

By What Should I Judge You?

It’s a dangerous thing, judgment. Too little of it, and we leave ourselves open to all manner of people who would do us harm, take our possessions and leave us broken and bleeding on the highway of life. 

But use too much judgment, and we find ourselves living in a rigid shell that leaves very little room for others, and no room for compassion and caring.

So by what standard should we judge each other, and by what standards should I judge you?

Should I judge you by your physical appearance? Although we are told never to judge a book by its cover, the physical appearance you present to the world allows me to see things in you. 

The clothes you wear, the makeup you choose and how it is applied, the style of your hair and any jewelry you picked out for today. All of these are messengers to your soul.

Yet all of them can be changed, and you would still be you.

So should I judge you by the words you speak? As someone who is practiced in observing the subtle nuances of word choice, pauses, pitch variations, intonations and inflections, the words you speak and how you say them give me insights to your thoughts and dream, your hopes and fears. 

Many a time I have helped someone in a coaching session by hearing the thing that they didn’t say, and yet were desperate to speak.

But your words can change over time, and you would still be you.

So should I judge you be the company you keep? Depending upon different times of my life, and the varied and different people who have crossed my way, you could either decide that I was a felon in training, or a preacher in possession of beliefs. 

If you were to see my friends now, you would probably think I am a very blessed person, and I would agree with you.

And yet all of my friends could leave me, and I would still be me.

I have to confess that in my youth, and especially as a young man, I was very arrogant, and judged myself above most people. 

I have realized that that was actually a defense mechanism, a way to assuage and suppress the terrible feelings I had about myself but was never comfortable exploring and exposing. So I mistakenly believed I was better than most.

Until the truth came crashing down upon me, and I realized a startling and humbling truth.

That I cannot judge anyone at all.

Because it doesn’t matter what standard we try to judge another by, we are never going to come a fair judgment. 

Unless we are that person, we have no idea of the horrors they have been through, the fears that stalk their dreams, and the heartache that haunts their happiness. It’s far too easy to judge in the absence of the truth, and it does not credit to the judge, or the judged.

So we have to find another way.

And I’ve come to believe that the only way to balance judgment is to lead with compassion alloyed with concern. Concern for their well being, balanced with concern for myself and those for whom I am responsible for. 

Compassion for the person I see before me, and also the people who may be affected by their behavior and beliefs.

In realizing that judgment (which is really observation with discernment) has to be present, I can only hope that by leading with compassion, I can temper my own fears and failings, and judge in a state of kindness, and with a hope of peace for all.

May we all judge with compassion, and find peace together in our judgments.

Using our discernment to guide us home.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Power of Trusting Yourself

The Power of Trusting Yourself.

Are you someone you can trust? For many years now, I haven’t really trusted myself in the way that I would like to. From being overweight, to constantly procrastinating things that needed doing, I’ve always known that there was a good chance that I was going to let myself or someone else down at some point. 

Not when there was a crisis, because I’m really good in those (I’m actually a chaos addict – but that’s another post for another time), but when there was an everyday thing that needed doing, I was the one person I knew who would probably mess that up. 

The little things, the foundational every day requirements of life are very often the things that cause me the greatest stress, and end up in a great distress. I can procrastinate in ways that terrify me.

And so I learned not to trust myself.

Which is a terrible thing, because not trusting yourself means that you usually don’t take chances, unless you are forced into it during a moment of desperation. 

Not taking chances leads to the very real outcome of living with the poison of regret for never having risked becoming the person you want to be. It’s not a feeling you ever want to experience

But how do you learn to trust yourself, when you have a history of letting yourself down.

Like most things, it starts with an honest desire to change. I use the word honest, because many times I think we tell ourselves that we want to change, but deep down we know it’s a lie. 

What we really want is a different outcome to the same actions so we don’t have to put in the effort, or give up that thing we know is wrong but feels so right at the time. 

But eventually you’ll find that point where you really do want to become trustworthy to yourself, and you’ll begin the long process of creating self integrity, which is vital to self understanding, and self compassion.

Wanting it bad enough is the first step.

From there, you start with something really simple, like making your bed, or laying your clothes out for the next day the night before. Don’t pick something crazy difficult, or insanely time consuming. Just find one small thin you can do every day to make your life better, and then do that thing. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to.

And then don’t stop trying until you get it right.

Sure, you’ll probably fail a bunch of times along the way, we all do. But one day, you’ll find yourself doing that thing, and you’ll realize that you can trust yourself in that thing, and you’ll realize that you can be trustable.

Which is where the magic begins.

Because trust, like courage, is infectious. Once you feel the joy of trusting yourself in that one thing, you’ll begin to find other ways to trust yourself. 

Slowly, or quickly, your trust changes into the confidence in yourself that you will do that important things, the large and the small things, that will change your world, and the world of those around you.

Who will you be when you make the jump to trusting yourself ?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Stillness

Morning Reflection: It all starts when you stop

It all starts when you stop.

I know, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. There are so many things you have to stop before you start something. 

For me, the things I have to stop are over-thinking, procrastinating and perfectionism. But there’s one other thing that’s actually at the root of all 3 of these, and needs to be taken care of before anything else.

I need to stop thinking. 

When was the last time you allowed your mind to rest? I don’t mean sleeping, although that always sounds good. What I’m talking about here is a focused, determined and decidedly non-thoughtful period where you tried your very best to focus on just one sensation, to the exclusion of all others. This isn’t new, it’s practice that has been followed for thousands of years.

It’s a simple little thing called meditation.

And I’m kind of joking when I say simple, because although the concept is, it’s also one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do. 

For someone like me, who has a mind that is always watching, seeking, learning, analyzing, planning, jumping, writing and observing, trying to maintain a single focus is physically draining, emotionally demanding and sometimes just downright disheartening.

But I try to practice nonetheless.

Because trying to find a moment of silence in my mind is where my greatest changes have begun. When I can form an idea, a plan, a process or a goal, in the absence of all the noise and negativity that usually exists inside of my head, I can see the future for what it can be. 

I can feel excited, engaged, present and powerful in planning the steps necessary to make whatever moves I need to execute on the inspiration that is guiding me.

And in that moment, I can become the person I desire to be.

If you’ve ever experienced what I’m talking about, you’ll understand the incredible power that is present when you focus all of your awareness, intelligence and passion into a single thought, and follow it with all your heart. The things we can do are absolutely incredible, but often we default to the least we need to do…

All because there’s too much noise inside of our head.

So today, I invite you to stop for a few minutes, sit comfortably, and just breathe. Focus on the sensation of breathing, feeling the breath enter and leave your body, your lungs inflate and deflate through the movement of air, and the gentle sounds and rhythm of your soul as you try to consistently focus on just the action of breathing.

You’ll probably realize just how hard it is to stay focused on that one thing.

But I’ll promise you this. The more you practice, the calmer your mind will be become, the more focused and present you’ll be, and the less your brain will run away from you. 

As your thoughts become more streamlined, you’ll find the peace and serenity that allows you to chart a course for your life, rather than allowing life to determine a course for you.

If you desire peace, prosperity, passion and productivity, just stop doing everything.

Start breathing.

And believe.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How do I help you get over it?

How do I help you get over it?

The first track on the Eagle “hell freezes over” album is a blistering, hard driving, rock ‘n roll song with a chorus that implies that we should all just “get over it”. Don Henley in his inimitable way writes an amazing lyric that tells us that we should just shut up, quit whining, and get on with our lives. 

And while I love the idea of people taking action, I have to admit that I hate the judgment behind that sentence.

Because it’s so easy to say “get over it”, but we all have our own things we are trying to get over. There’s nothing more addictive to somebody who is judgmental or who does not want to extend compassion than to tell somebody else to just “get over it”, without ever understanding why the person has a problem and what happened in the first place.

If we could see the trauma that people have experienced, I hope we would be more compassionate.

And then maybe we’d be a lot less inclined to tell somebody to get over it. Instead we would actually offer them compassion and kindness, which we struggle with, because both of those require us to let go of her own wants and needs, and care about somebody else, and sometimes we struggle to do that.

Because when you’ve been through something traumatic, the last thing we want to do is re-visit it.

When we break something or tear something physically we are taught to get it treated, and then leave it alone and let the body heal it; that eventually the body will take care of it. I can tell you as a Doctor that that doesn’t always work, and people end years later going through a long period of rehabilitation for something that could’ve been cleaned up a lot quicker.

The same is true emotionally.

When something has been done to us or happen to us that tears at our soul, it leaves a wound that really needs to be “cleaned” and stitched and nurtured and cared for, but because of the pace of our lives and the difficulty in re-living the trauma, we tend to ignore it and “move on”, trusting that “time will heal all wounds”.

But it doesn’t.

Instead a scar forms in our soul and we are never the same person. That particular emotional wound manifests itself as avoidance, attachment, anxiety and the absence of joy. It changes how we act and handle situations, which continues to cause us further pain and suffering.

So my invitation for you today is that next time you feel the urge to tell somebody “get over it”, instead you asked them “how can I help you get over this”. 

It’s a small difference in wording, but it actually changes everything. Because it indicates that you believe that they can get over it, and that you stand ready and willing to help them through the pain that they have to get through to heal.

We are all fighting our own battles, and we all have our scars.

May we learn to reach out with compassion rather than judgment, kindness rather than cruelty, and love rather than selfishness.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Chronos Incarcerous - (Imprisoned by Time)

Chronos Incarcerous - (Imprisoned by Time)

There’s a certain magic to the time that you live in. It defines your thoughts, your ideals, your principles and your relationships. 

Have you ever wondered who you would be if you were born 100 years ago, without the access and understanding that we have today? What about if you were born 100 years from now, with the increased knowledge and abilities that we will have by then?

When you start to understand time, you really start to understand that we are its prisoner, as well as it’s beneficiary.

And sometimes you’ll find people who are stuck at a certain moment in time, somewhere deep in their past. Usually because of a tragic or highly emotional event that they have been unable to exist beyond, they seem to circle over and over, never coming into the time that is their own, until someone finds a way to set them free, so that they can join ‘now’ again.

Do you know anyone like that – maybe very personally?

I’ll share with you that there’s a part of me still imprisoned in the past. How do I know this… because in the quiet moments of my day, when my awareness wanders, I find myself having conversations in my head with a person with whom I will never be at peace. 

Instead of being able to focus forwards, I am dragged back into the past, over and over, trying to explain reasons to someone who will never understand why I did what I did.

Thankfully, over time, those ‘imagined conversations’ are become fewer, but they still happen.

Yet in examining that person, I realize that they too are a prisoner of their time. Had they been born later, or even now, I think they would have turned out quite differently, given access to a kinder understanding, to a more compassionate world. 

They are as much a prisoner of their time, as I am of mine.

So I try to see that person as just their consciousness, not their expression of that consciousness in a temporal frame. It’s hard to do, but sometimes I manage it, and it brings peace to my heart.

Because all of us are shaped by the events, attitudes and experiences that have accompanied our mortal journey. 

The time we are in is as much a place as our location, with its own hills and valleys, it’s own ocean and mountains. When you start to see time in all its dimensionality, and you see how it affects people, you begin to understand that who they are is a complex equation of ‘when’ they are, as much as what has happened to them and the choices they have made.

And are still making, and yet will make.

So today, I invite you to see the people around you not just for who they are, but when they are, and try to see the goodness and divinity of the timeless consciousness that is trapped in time, along with you.

Because when you can see beyond now, the future and the past, you arrive at a timeless forever, seeing everyone, including yourself, for who you really are.

And then you will know wonder.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What’s Your Jam?

What’s Your Jam?

It’s that thing you do when you can do anything. Several years ago a very wise man posed a question to me that caught me by surprise. 

He asked me.. “Imagine you had won all the money that you could ever need, and you’d been everywhere you wanted to go, and bought everything you want to buy. How then would you spend your time?”

And I realized I didn’t have a great answer.

His wonderful question helped me realize that my time is a commodity that I get to spend every minute of the day, with the understanding that I can never get a refund. 

That alone made me more determined to live each minute with intention. But he wasn’t asking for an accounting of my temporal finances, rather he was asking me to decide how I would spend a lifetime if I could do anything I wanted.

Which is a greater, deeper and more thoughtful question than I’d ever been asked before.

So I put a LOT of thought into it. What really makes me happy, beyond anything else? In some ways the answer to that question has been different over the years, yet all those answers had the same core concept, the same basic meaning to me. Other than being with my family, both immediate and extended, there’s one thing that gets me excited like nothing else.

Helping people solve the problems inside their heads.

I know that sounds pretty boring, but for me…it’s the greatest thing in the world. Watching that moment where someone ‘gets’ it, watching the way they pull back for a moment, and their whole reality shifts into a different configuration that allows them to see things in a new light, through a new lens.
That, for me, is the greatest rush, the biggest thrill.

And boy if it isn’t seriously addictive.

So now I’m hooked on this thing of helping people. It’s hard sometimes, because despite my desire to help everyone I have to realize that it has to be what they want, on their timetable, within their comfort zone. 

The hardest moments are when I can see how things can be changed so easily… and I have to respect that that person isn’t ok with that level of engagement right now.

And giving other people the right to choose their life is the greatest way I can respect who they are.

Yet once you truly find your jam, once you figure out what it is that drives you like nothing else, you start to want to do that, and only that. It’s like everything else falls away, and the pathway opens up ahead of you. 

It might be long, it might be dark, and it might be full of twists and turns, but once you realize that nothing else is going to ever be enough…

You’ll use everything you have to get to where you want to be.

That’s how motivation is born, that’s how movements are 
started, that’s how lives are changed. You just have to figure out your jam, and become crystal clear on why it moves you.

And then, you start moving.

So now I’m curious… What’s your jam?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: That Which Justifies your Judgments

That Which Justifies your Judgments.

There’s an old saying that says that the best time to lie to someone is when they want to believe the lie, and unfortunately it’s true. We all have a tendency to believe words that align with that which we want to hear. 

But did you know that there is another layer, deeper and even harder to separate out? One that left unchecked and unexamined can become a detriment to ourselves and to those around us.

Because we love to hear something that justifies our judgments of ourselves and others.

The longer I coach people, helping them find peace through self awareness and self actualization, the more convinced I become that the truth of how we feel about ourselves can be found in the judgments that we make, and in our reactions to one another. 

Most of us to one degree or another determine our sense of worth, and our place in ‘the pack’ by the judgments we make when around other people.

And we love to have our opinions validated by information from the outside world.

So much so that we tend to turn off our ‘skeptic filters’ when it comes to information that we like. If you’ve spent any time on social media, you’ll see people posting poorly written and badly researched articles that prop up whatever position of belief they are feeling in the moment. 

I’ve seen this in friends who are normally rational, kind and caring people, but who in support of their opinions will abandon a sense of calm and consideration in favor of a truth that justifies their judgments in the world.

Even when that ‘truth’ is so obviously false.

Yet this human failing of ours seems to be strongest when it comes to our judgments of ourselves. For it seems that in no other arena is our ability to judge so strong, and our willingness to believe that which supports our self judgments so absolute. 
Especially if that which you are inclined to believe matches up with that which you have already decided about yourself. 

Which is why many of us stay stuck for so long.

Frequently as I help people, we come across limiting beliefs that they have about themselves that stop them from moving forward in a direction that they would like to go. First we try to understand where that belief came from (usually in their childhood) and then we look at all the data that they rely on to support that belief. 

And this is usually where the fun starts…

Because people will believe just about anything if it justifies them not facing their fears.

So we chip away at the foundations of their self judgments, and often there are tears of both laughter and pain as one more person finds that the truth about themselves is very different to what they were desperately holding on to. 

As each supporting belief is examined with new eyes, from a place of loving support and encouragement, old beliefs fall away, and a new and uplifting opinion replaces an often dark and unforgiving one.

And another soul takes flight on wings of self love, self appreciation, and self healing.

So today, I invite you to begin to question all the things you believe about yourself, and see if you too have been clinging desperately to a falsehood that did not serve the you who you are becoming. 

If you find there are beliefs that are uncomfortable to give up, then you can realize that these are the ones that require the greatest exploration.

For to know yourself, and find peace in yourself, you will have to find truth in yourself. 

The good news is that the truth you find is often far better than the old lie that you were believing.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: In Memorium

In Memorium

We shall never hear their words again, nor feel their heartbeats. Their presence is gone from our lives, leaving a hole that can never be filled. 

Their sacrifice echoes down through our history, at first individual but slowly coming together to form one great whole; a legacy of forsaken personal futures so that we who remained could experience what they never would.

We cannot comprehend their sacrifice, we can only live as to be worthy of it.

But what they have done we cannot understand, unless we have lived through the nightmares that would have accompanied them had they lived. I wonder what those who have given their lives would think of the way we choose to spend ours? 

Would they look upon us with a sense of sorrow as they see how small we sometimes think, or would they enjoy a sense of pride as we struggle to live up to the promise that they saw in us.

What would our fallen wish for us to know?

I’ve tried to think about that this weekend, and I hope you will forgive me any trespass if I try to phrase the words I think they would say to us. I think they would try to help us understand the precious gift we are given every morning, which they no longer enjoy; that of a new dawn full of countless opportunities. 

I believe they would tell us to live this day with courage and gratitude, balancing the two in a dance of deference and desire.

For the days they paid for should be spent in charity and caring.

I expect that they would tell us to hold our loved ones close, and the cherish every moment with them. Since they can no longer be there, I believe they would ask us to cherish their loved ones as well, and try to help in any way that we can. 

Not that we can ever make right what time, fate and the universe has made wrong, but in understanding that love and compassion can reduce their loss, and make their days just a little brighter in the midst of the darkness of all that has been taken from them.

Because for every soul that paid with the rest of their lives, there are those whose lives will never know rest because of that price which was paid.

And I think those who have gone on before us, before their time, would implore us to show a greater love and kindness for all those for whom they sacrificed. 

In the moment of their passing, as they moved on beyond humanity, I like to believe that they would champion the humanity of all who they were leaving behind, for their sacrifice and their service was given in the belief that we are worth fighting for
.
Surely a people who are worth dying for are worthy of being cared for and loved by the living.

On this Memorial Day, I wish to add my own small voice of gratitude to those whose names may never be known to me, yet whose lives have immeasurably enriched my own. We can never repay the debt to those who have fallen, and so we must pay it forward in our service to the living.

May we who remain be worthy of the sacrifice of those who have given the rest of their days for us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why I Can’t Just ‘Phone it In’

Why I Can’t Just ‘Phone it In’.

Do you ever get to that point where all you want to do is just sleep? I’m not talking about tired, I’m talking about that bone weary exhaustion that comes from constant pressure and far too little sleep. 

The difference for me is that if I’m just tired, I know that sleep will solve it. If I am weary however, I know that waking up tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep will not change how I feel one bit.

That’s kind of how it’s been this week.

As I sit and write this, at 11:43 PM on the evening of Thursday, May 23, I’ve actually been trying to write for over two hours now. So many starts and stops, so many single paragraphs that burned so brightly in the moment but failed to transform into a post of any substance. Even though my body craves rest, my mind is determined to do what I have promised myself that I WILL do.

To dedicate myself to this work, to serving you.

Earlier this evening, as she was getting ready for bed, Holly took me by the hand and told me that I didn’t have to write anything profound, and that I should just write something simple and schedule it the morning. 

She sees how tired I am, she knows the hours I’m working and the pressures I feel to fulfill the many responsibilities that I have taken upon myself.

And while I understand and appreciate what she was trying to say, I couldn’t comply with her request.

So I took her other hand in mine, gazed lovingly into her beautiful eyes, and told her she was wrong. That’s not something I do very often, mainly because she’s right a lot more than I am, but on this thing, for this work, and in my desire to serve you, I don’t feel like I can ever “phone it in”. 

Sure, sometimes a piece of writing will stand out to me above all the rest, but in almost a year and a half of doing this, I can honestly tell you that I’ve never finished a piece of writing and put it up without feeling like it had something to offer to someone, somewhere.

And I’d like to explain to you why that is.

Simply put, it’s because you matter to me. I’ve probably never met you, and maybe never will. To me that’s irrelevant. You matter to me because you’re a person, a human being, and somebody who is important. 

In all of my years I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important. Some may have had more status or prestige, some may have been kinder and some were foolish, but that doesn’t elevate one above another, or lower one beneath another.

You all matter to me.

So today I want to leave you with that understanding. If for some reason you feel like you are not enough, or that you are lacking in something, and especially if you think the world be a better place without you in it, I am telling you with everything I have that you matter to me, that you are important and that you have worth and value.

How can you know what I say is true?

Because as I sit here at my desk in my office at home, with bags under my eyes, and a strong fervent desire to lay down and not get up for a week, I am still writing, still struggling to find a way to serve you better, to touch your heart and to let you know that you matter.

I don’t do that because it’s about me, I do it because it’s about you.

And it always will be. You deserve nothing less.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Go Be With You

Go Be With You.

Who would you most like to spend time with? Whenever I ask that question of someone, I’m usually fascinated by the answer. 

There are so many interesting, inspiring and impressive people in the world today that you could fill every remaining moment of your life in conversation with somebody amazing, and still not have touched the surface.

Yet there’s one person I’ve never heard mentioned.

In the midst of all the famous names, the learned and inspirational, the wealthy and courageous, there’s one person who ALWAYS get missed, and yet who should be the person who gets a significant portion of your time. 

Spending quality time with this individual will yield incredible changes in your life, bringing you closer to happiness and fulfillment than any other conversation could ever do.

I’m sure by now you’ve figured out who I’m talking about, but if not, I’m talking about you.

So many of us avoid ourselves these days. We live in a world full of things that demand our attention, and then we become so uncomfortable being alone with ourselves that we race to fill our time with meaningless distractions. 

Self awareness and self identity are smothered under the never ending pressure to fit in, keep up, be all that you can be, and be just like everybody else.

So much so that we lose a sense of our true selves, and find ourselves living a life that is not authentic to who we really are, resulting in sadness, confusion and a powerful longing for more. 

So today, I’m going to invite you to spend some more time with yourself, but I probably need to clarify what I actually mean by that. 

It doesn’t mean the absence of people around you, because you can be completely separated from people, and yet still completely out of touch with who you are. It doesn’t mean just sitting without distraction, although that’s a great place to start.

Spending time with yourself is really about coming to understand who you really are.

Which is way more difficult that it sounds, because so many of us have been conditioned to ignore our deeper instincts and desires, out of a fear that it’s ‘selfish’ or ‘wrong’, and so we bury them under a cacophony of media, or sensations, or smothering emotions. 

To really get to know who you are, you have to do two things that are becoming harder and harder to do, as we move further and further away from self awareness.

You have to sit quietly, and you have to examine your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Because if you are constantly judging yourself, you’ll never truly be able to hear the truth of who you are inside. You’ll lie to yourself, and find something else to think about. Once you learn to observe without judgment, and without distraction, you’ll start to understand so much more about you than you ever imagined possible.

Who knows, you may even come to like yourself.

So if you’re ready to begin, just find a quiet place away from everyone, and most importantly, away from distractions. Sit down comfortably, and just try to be peaceful with yourself. 

With nothing to distract you, allow your soul to open itself unto you, revealing it’s innermost thoughts and feelings. With gratitude for yourself, begin to ask the questions you’ve always wanted answered.

And then be willing to hear what you have to say to yourself.

(If you’re interested, I’m thinking of doing an online ‘self awareness workshop’ in a couple of weeks. I don’t have a firm outline yet of what it will be, and space will be pretty limited, but it will be free, so the only thing it will cost you is an hour or so of your time.😀 

Feel free to message me if you’re interested, and we’ll see where it goes from there.)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Love Overwhelming

Love Overwhelming.

There’s times when I look at Holly (my wife), and I still can’t believe that we are actually married. 

It’s been 22 and a half years, and her smile still stops me in my tracks, and makes me realize that I am very blessed to be with her. Her presence calms me, her strength astounds me, and her patience with my faults amazes me.

Why she chose me is still very much a mystery to me.

Such is the power of love. It’s mysterious, in that we cannot control it, and it’s dangerous, in that it can tear us apart if we let it. We sacrifice our time, our money, our sanity and sometimes our soul for it. 

Because once you feel it, and it takes you over, you’ll never be the same again. You can feel love in many different ways, but the very best way is to feel it at the same time you receive it.

Then it becomes overwhelming.

There’s something incredibly life affirming to have someone tell you that they love you. Be it romantic, familial, or just friendship; when someone tell you that they love you, there’s this small part of our soul that seems to light up in joy. 

It took me a while to figure out why that is, but I think I’ve come to something of an understanding.

Because when someone loves you, they are saying you are enough.

I think many of us struggle with the idea that we are deficient in some way. It often comes from our upbringing, or from a particularly difficult breakup of a romantic relationship that seemed to hold so much promise, until our dreams were shattered. However we got to that belief, it follows us through our everyday lives, overshadowing our joys and diluting our happiness.

Until that cloud is pierced by the light of love coming from another.

And when it’s matched by how you feel about them as well, we enter into a relationship of trust, of kindness, of affection, of support, and of esteem. 

Love is the catalyst for our greatest changes, our deepest emotions, our fondest hopes and often our darkest fears. Love gives us strength to keep going, when we feel like we can’t go on.

Love might not make the world go around, but it does make it worth living in.

Especially in moments like I had today, where I was able to sit for a couple of minutes and just quietly observe my wife when she wasn’t aware I was watching. 

I fell in love with her all over again, watching the sun highlight the colors in her hair, listening to that voice that grounds me and guides me, and seeing the goodness, kindness and honesty in her soul.

And once again, I was overwhelmed.

I hope you can feel that way today, even if just for a moment. I hope you can look at someone, be it a romantic partner, or a family member, or a friend, and just feel the joyous gratitude of love for their presence in your life, and the opportunity you have to be with them.

Holly always reminds me that love is verb, and that verbs are about doing not just feeling, so I hope today you can ‘do’ love by telling someone just how you feel about them.

There’s a great deal of power in those three little words.

May you share them and hear them, today and always.

(today's picture is for the other love in Holly's life - books 🙂 )

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings