By What Should I Judge You?
It’s a dangerous thing, judgment. Too little of it, and we leave ourselves open to all manner of people who would do us harm, take our possessions and leave us broken and bleeding on the highway of life.
But use too much judgment, and we find ourselves living in a rigid shell that leaves very little room for others, and no room for compassion and caring.
So by what standard should we judge each other, and by what standards should I judge you?
Should I judge you by your physical appearance? Although we are told never to judge a book by its cover, the physical appearance you present to the world allows me to see things in you.
The clothes you wear, the makeup you choose and how it is applied, the style of your hair and any jewelry you picked out for today. All of these are messengers to your soul.
Yet all of them can be changed, and you would still be you.
So should I judge you by the words you speak? As someone who is practiced in observing the subtle nuances of word choice, pauses, pitch variations, intonations and inflections, the words you speak and how you say them give me insights to your thoughts and dream, your hopes and fears.
Many a time I have helped someone in a coaching session by hearing the thing that they didn’t say, and yet were desperate to speak.
But your words can change over time, and you would still be you.
So should I judge you be the company you keep? Depending upon different times of my life, and the varied and different people who have crossed my way, you could either decide that I was a felon in training, or a preacher in possession of beliefs.
If you were to see my friends now, you would probably think I am a very blessed person, and I would agree with you.
And yet all of my friends could leave me, and I would still be me.
I have to confess that in my youth, and especially as a young man, I was very arrogant, and judged myself above most people.
I have realized that that was actually a defense mechanism, a way to assuage and suppress the terrible feelings I had about myself but was never comfortable exploring and exposing. So I mistakenly believed I was better than most.
Until the truth came crashing down upon me, and I realized a startling and humbling truth.
That I cannot judge anyone at all.
Because it doesn’t matter what standard we try to judge another by, we are never going to come a fair judgment.
Unless we are that person, we have no idea of the horrors they have been through, the fears that stalk their dreams, and the heartache that haunts their happiness. It’s far too easy to judge in the absence of the truth, and it does not credit to the judge, or the judged.
So we have to find another way.
And I’ve come to believe that the only way to balance judgment is to lead with compassion alloyed with concern. Concern for their well being, balanced with concern for myself and those for whom I am responsible for.
Compassion for the person I see before me, and also the people who may be affected by their behavior and beliefs.
In realizing that judgment (which is really observation with discernment) has to be present, I can only hope that by leading with compassion, I can temper my own fears and failings, and judge in a state of kindness, and with a hope of peace for all.
May we all judge with compassion, and find peace together in our judgments.
Using our discernment to guide us home.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings