Why I Can’t Just ‘Phone it In’.
Do you ever get to that point where all you want to do is just sleep? I’m not talking about tired, I’m talking about that bone weary exhaustion that comes from constant pressure and far too little sleep.
The difference for me is that if I’m just tired, I know that sleep will solve it. If I am weary however, I know that waking up tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep will not change how I feel one bit.
That’s kind of how it’s been this week.
As I sit and write this, at 11:43 PM on the evening of Thursday, May 23, I’ve actually been trying to write for over two hours now. So many starts and stops, so many single paragraphs that burned so brightly in the moment but failed to transform into a post of any substance. Even though my body craves rest, my mind is determined to do what I have promised myself that I WILL do.
To dedicate myself to this work, to serving you.
Earlier this evening, as she was getting ready for bed, Holly took me by the hand and told me that I didn’t have to write anything profound, and that I should just write something simple and schedule it the morning.
She sees how tired I am, she knows the hours I’m working and the pressures I feel to fulfill the many responsibilities that I have taken upon myself.
And while I understand and appreciate what she was trying to say, I couldn’t comply with her request.
So I took her other hand in mine, gazed lovingly into her beautiful eyes, and told her she was wrong. That’s not something I do very often, mainly because she’s right a lot more than I am, but on this thing, for this work, and in my desire to serve you, I don’t feel like I can ever “phone it in”.
Sure, sometimes a piece of writing will stand out to me above all the rest, but in almost a year and a half of doing this, I can honestly tell you that I’ve never finished a piece of writing and put it up without feeling like it had something to offer to someone, somewhere.
And I’d like to explain to you why that is.
Simply put, it’s because you matter to me. I’ve probably never met you, and maybe never will. To me that’s irrelevant. You matter to me because you’re a person, a human being, and somebody who is important.
In all of my years I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important. Some may have had more status or prestige, some may have been kinder and some were foolish, but that doesn’t elevate one above another, or lower one beneath another.
You all matter to me.
So today I want to leave you with that understanding. If for some reason you feel like you are not enough, or that you are lacking in something, and especially if you think the world be a better place without you in it, I am telling you with everything I have that you matter to me, that you are important and that you have worth and value.
How can you know what I say is true?
Because as I sit here at my desk in my office at home, with bags under my eyes, and a strong fervent desire to lay down and not get up for a week, I am still writing, still struggling to find a way to serve you better, to touch your heart and to let you know that you matter.
I don’t do that because it’s about me, I do it because it’s about you.
And it always will be. You deserve nothing less.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings