But Are You REALLY You?
A good friend put a post on Facebook that really got me thinking. It was a text graphic which essentially said “I am me. I don’t pretend to be like everyone else”. And while I understand the idea behind the post, I realized that I had a significant disagreement with the concept.
Not that I want anyone to pretend to be someone that they are not – far from it. I always want people to be authentic to themselves; but the problem goes deeper in a different direction.
I just think sometimes people don’t know who they really are.
Think about it for a moment. Have you ever had a significant realization about yourself before? One that kind of rocked you to your core, when a truth that had previously been hidden hit you so hard, that a different definition of yourself suddenly came into view.
Chances are you’ve had at least one of these, and they are memorable.
Because it teaches us that our definition of ourselves is often wrong, and quite far from the truth of who we really are.
When I start coaching with someone, or if I’m just on a one-hour breakthrough call, I try to have people explain themselves to me through definitions. Because how you define yourself emotionally is a powerful constraint and motivator. Tony Robbins said it best when he defined it as this…
“The strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves”.
But if our self definition is so important, why is it that very few people have ever done the work to understand their self definition, and change what is necessary so that they can live a life that is truly authentic and congruent with who they are?
Because if your definition of yourself is wrong, your life will never be fulfilling and wonderful. It’s like trying to find your way around London using a map of New York. It’s just never going to work.
But examining our self definitions can be painful.
I have a very good friend who describes herself as prickly. And while she can behave that way, it’s not who she really is.
When you dig deeper, you find that she is really a kind and gentle person, but because of some beliefs that she picked up during her childhood, she has a hard time interfacing with other people because her normal boundaries that would protect her sweet and gentle emotions are not there.
So to protect herself, she tends to push people away, when all she really wants to do is let them in.
And as long as she continues to define herself as prickly, she will never come to understand the truth of who she is, and be able to heal and find peace.
So the next time you find yourself saying “I am me”, may I suggest you think that through a little bit. Once you lock yourself into a definition, you can spend years of your life believing something about yourself that is wrong, painful, unkind and destructive.
If your definition of yourself is based on a great deal of work, then maybe it will be right, or maybe it will be just ‘less wrong’.
Because the most holy (not in a religious sense) and kind people I have ever met are the ones who tend to have less definitions of themselves, and a greater concern for being kind to others.
And also being kind to themselves.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings