Where Should I Begin?
I didn’t know where to start, which is pretty scary for someone who thinks he communicates pretty well. Not knowing what to say, or how to begin a conversation that was so very painful and could change the rest of my life is not something I experience very often.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that finding me speechless is not an every day event, and yet I honestly didn’t know what to say.
I had no idea how to begin.
Because I knew what I wanted to say, but part of me was so very scared that the person on the other side of the conversation was going to say things that I really didn’t want to hear.
So I was searching for the right words through the storm I found myself within, desperately trying to quiet my fears and trust in my abilities to do what was right, and say what was necessary, in the very moment that they needed to be said.
Which was, in reflection, probably the dumbest thing I could have done, because my reluctance to start this desperately needed conversation could have been interpreted in quite the wrong way, and made things worse rather than better.
And in reality, all I had to do was one simple thing. I just needed to start talking.
Because there’s a huge power in honest, true and heartfelt conversation. It doesn’t have to be perfect, in fact it’s probably better if it isn’t, because you can spend so long trying to get it right, that you never find the time to get it said.
The imperfect conversation spoken from the heart, sincerely and humbly, in the absence of anger and fear, has melted more hearts than the perfect phrasing and delivery ever will.
But those first few words can just scare you into silence if you let them.
So I started with the most honest words I could find, which was an apology. I realized that the way I was handling my hurt and my pain was not fair to the person on the other side of this equation, and so I began by expressing my acknowledgement that I realized that I could be dealing with it better, and an admission that my fears were causing my usual power of communication and compassion to fail.
And then I began explaining my side of what was wrong.
It came out somewhat differently than the words I had spent several hours crafting through the night before. I’d been up until 5am trying to find the right things to say, and discover the most humble, honest and sincere way through the problem as I saw it.
After about 2 hours of sleep, I arose and began my day, certain in the knowledge that the conversation was out there in front of me that day.
And when it finally happened, I found what I felt was a way through the darkness, and into the light.
Yet it could have gone so many other ways, had I allowed my fears and my pain to turn it into a confrontation that would have reflected poorly on myself, and the person I was talking to.
Thankfully, through a difficult and challenging process, a new understanding was reached, and a new direction was found. Where once there was darkness, there was now a glimmer of hope.
I didn’t have to be eloquent, or enchanting; I just needed to share what I felt to be real.
So today, my plea to you is to begin the conversations that you know need to be had. I get that they might be terrifying – mine was. I get that you might be scared – I certainly was.
I know that it can be painful, because mine definitely was, but I also know that the quality of our lives comes down to the honesty of our conversations and the sharing of our souls.
Because eventually, you know that you are going to have to have these conversations.
And there’s no better time to start than now.
—Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings