Morning Reflection: The Energy of A Non-Choice

The Energy of A Non-Choice.

I got stood up. No, not in the date kind of a way; in the ‘I got up early and drove into my office to see a patient who didn’t show’ kind of a way. 

The fact that it was a Sunday morning wasn’t lost on me, nor was the fact that I drove 30 minutes each way to get there. Nor was I unaware that this wasn’t the first time she had failed to show for an appointment.

And at the moment I realized she would not be coming, I had a choice. The good thing was that I had already chosen.

See, the choice was how to feel about it. Back in my youth, before I had done the work that I have completed so far, I would have become angry at the ‘waste of my time’, and probably taken her failure to show as a personal insult to myself. 

Then I would have gotten angry (because anger is always a secondary emotion) and spent the rest of the day being annoyed about it.

What a message I would have been sending to the universe that way?

I can honestly tell you that her failure to show didn’t bother me at all, because my ‘choice’ of how to react was in some ways really no choice at all. I didn’t feel a need to be angry because I didn’t feel insulted. 

The situation wasn’t about me at all. I had done what I have promised to do, which is to be available to serve my patients in whatever way I can. I showed up, and was ready to serve.

The rest of it wasn’t about me at all.

A little while after I left the office, I received a very kind text from the patient. She used very derogatory language about herself, and offered many apologies. I told her that none was necessary, and that I didn’t want her to talk about herself that way. 

I told her that being a single mom is the hardest thing I can ever imagine facing, and that her oversleeping wasn’t a sign of her being a bad person, it was a sign of the love that she shows her children by working so hard for them.

I hope she believed me. I’m guessing she didn’t, because she is so hard on herself.

Later that day, I received a call from a patient who needed to come in urgently, and then another patient who was hurting and wondered if I was around. I honestly don’t believe that is a coincidence. 

I’ve been in practice 14 years now, and I can tell you, hand over my heart in honesty, that there is an energy to the universe that is cognizant of the energy we put out there.

Had I been angry about the earlier patient, I doubt I would have seen the other two in the afternoon.

My challenge for you today is to try to be aware of the energy you are sending out into the universe, and see if you find that the universe reciprocates what you send it. 

For me, I have seen time and time again the power of intention, and of a focus on kindness. The more I am able to be focused on serving in integrity, the more chances the universe gives me to serve and be blessed.

Sometimes it requires us to work on ourselves first, so that we can be in alignment with our intentions in a way that will manifest our kindness and our dedication. 

That’s the hard work, and believe me, I still have so very far to go in my journey. The further I go, the further I realize I have to go.

But that’s why we are here.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Flight

Flight.

So I finally got to fly. After 3 rescheduled appointments due to weather and sudden scheduling conflicts, I finally got to take the discovery flight I wrote about a few weeks back. And as I expected, I was really nervous, but I had a great time. For me, this flight was really about one simple question, one powerful moment.

Could I break through the fear and find peace in the midst of terror.

I didn’t always get nervous when flying. I used to love it, but a flight out of Los Angeles going unto London changed all that in 1996. We hit some pretty brutal turbulence going over Denver, and for one brief hour I honestly thought I was going to die in a plane crash. 

That hour is still seared into my memory, especially the moment where I think I saw a flight attendant cross herself as she sat down.

And so my fear of flying was born, and I figured it would be with me forever.

But about four years ago, I began to feel this indescribable pull towards flight. I have spent so many hours learning about it, understanding it, and desiring it. 

As I learned more, my fears have been reduced but not eliminated, because anytime you leave the ground there is a risk that is always there. But you can’t run from your fears; you either face them and overcome them, or you allow them to control your life.

Which my fears have done, for far too long.

In 2017 I decided to face part of my fear, and go skydiving. It was an incredible experience; one that I’m probably going to repeat in a month or so. And last Friday, I went further into my fear than I have ever done, and actually piloted a small plane. 

Yes, there was a ‘real pilot’ sitting right next to me, helping me when I needed it, but I was there, in that tiny plane, with my hands and feet on the controls.

And for most of the flight, I was really, really scared.

But there was one moment, cruising at around 7,900 feet, where I felt that moment of peace that I was hoping would be there. A feeling of being at one with the world, and at peace with my life. I don’t get many of those. I found one while Skydiving, and I found one last Friday. 

It didn’t last long, just a few minutes until we began our descent, but for those few glorious minutes, I felt an intense feeling of gratitude and love for everything in the world.

It is true that the greatest blessings in the world are on the other side of fear.

Because once you break through fear, that energy that you put into fear is transformed into courage. Then you take that courage, and you do something else that scares you. 

And then you do something else, and something else, and something else. You keep going until you have gone beyond the fears of the everyday, and find the truth of who you are in the courage that you carry with you.

Imagine what you could do, and what you could accomplish, if you had cast off your fears and were truly able to live as who you are. Imagine the changes you could make in the world. 

Imagine the joy you could find in your life.

And imagine the peace you could feel in your heart.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Laughter

Laughter.

I’ve always been fascinated with the universal traits of humanity. Things that are timeless, that cross the boundaries of culture, race, religion and gender. These are the things that truly define our humanity, because these are the things that are most human. 

I’ve never known anybody who didn’t cry, and I’ve also never known anybody who didn’t laugh.

Hopefully, we laugh a lot more than we cry.

It’s been kind of a tough week in our house. Nothing earth shattering, nothing catastrophic, but it’s amazing how sometimes the weight of the simple every day can drag you down and leave you bruised, battered, broken and bleeding on the figurative highway of life. 

But in the midst of what has been a long and tiring week, I heard a sound last night that stopped me, almost made me want to cry, and filled me with a profound sense of relief.

She was laughing.

I’m probably going to get into trouble for this part, but my wife has two kinds of laughter. There’s the normal everyday laughter at something she finds funny, and then there’s something that truly gets her going, something that takes her out of the realm of the normal and into a mode of laughter that is punctuated by helplessly flapping her hands and snorting as she laughs. 

I wish I could get it on video because it is so hilariously funny.

Often times it’s because of something that she feels terrible about laughing at after, but in the moment she just loses all control and is often unable to regain her composure for several minutes. 

A couple of times she has almost turned purple because she was laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe, and I was mentally reviewing my CPR training thinking that I might have to help her bring her back from the other side.

Just hearing her laugh was the most wonderful medicine to my soul.

It’s almost like a GPS for me. When I feel lost, and honestly don’t know which way I’m going, (which happens way more than I would like to admit) the sound of her laughter tells me that maybe, just maybe, I might be on the right track. 

Pretty much all of my life goals circle around the idea of trying to make her happy, and every moment of laughter gives me hope that I might be succeeding.

And in a week that was full of pressure, struggles, exhaustion and frustration, a single moment of laughter was the greatest sound I could hear.

Today I’m grateful for the gift of laughter, and especially grateful for the chance to hear my sweet wife laugh until she flaps her hands and snorts. It’s probably not going to happen for a while after she reads this post, but eventually she will forgive me. She’s had a lot of practice that. :-)

Love you sweetheart. You are the light that guides me home.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Life in every breath

Life in every breath.

The title of today’s post comes from one of my favorite movies, The Last Samurai. While it’s a beautiful movie with incredible cinematography and amazing action choreography, what really stands out to me is the way that the ordinary daily life of the samurai is a thing of beauty. 

Devoid of grand Festival, they found a way to infuse every action with a sense of purpose.

Being present in every moment, they experienced the intensity of life in every breath.

And we have moved so far away from that now. 

Speed, novelty, the next thing, faster, better, larger, more expensive, the best. These are the mantra that destroys now in the technological age in which we live. 

We have sacrificed the sincere moment for the breathtaking novelty of next, and we never stop to fully appreciate the simple beauty of the everyday moments which populate our lives.

Because really, we live in an amazing age.

Never in the realm of human history have we enjoyed such technology, nor such peace. Despite what the media (both professional and social) would have you believe, we are safer now than ever. We can travel further, faster and in greater comfort. 

We can access information in a few seconds that only 50 years ago would have taken us weeks. And we can share that information to anybody across the world in a heartbeat.

And yet we are uneasy; incapable of experiencing now.

Meaning in life doesn’t only have to be reserved for the grand moments that matter. If we so desire we can find meaning in the most mundane task. The preparation of a meal, the cleaning of a room, the repair of a broken car. 

All of these can be performed with a heightened sense of purpose and a focus on perfection in the task. It merely requires a focus on this moment, rather than the next.

Rather than wasting time mindlessly, you can mindfully reverence every second of your existence.

In the movie I referenced earlier there is a line where a wise man states “you could spend your entire life looking for the perfect blossom, and it would not be a wasted life.” Later, a moment before his death, he looks into the sky and realizes that every blossom is perfect. 

How timeless that wisdom. 

How many experiences in your life have you been distracted away from gratitude and experience of the moment by a supposed imperfection that did not matter? 

How many moments of your life have been lost chasing the new, the next, the never-ending cascade of continual novelty, when in reality everything you needed to find joy and happiness was right there in front of you.

Waste not your moments, because they are the intimate currency of the time of your life. Focus on now, and find a surprising sense of joy in purpose.

May your soul find peace today, and always.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why is sorry so hard?

Why is sorry so hard?

I hate apologizing. There, I said it. Tough to admit, and even tougher to share with you all. But I try to be honest in this work, so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes and failings, of which there are many. 

I try to learn from them too, but sometimes the lessons are really hard, and I find myself dropping back into my old safeguards of self pity, anger and frustration.

None of which do me any good at all.

So I try to live in a way that minimizes the times I have to say I’m sorry. I haven’t lost my temper in 35 years. I try to speak kindly to everyone, and to see their side in any disagreements that arise, seeking to find a peace that we can both move forward with. 

I’m in no way perfect, but I hope that I have made improvements to myself during the journey of my years.

So when I do make a mistake, it’s usually something that I’ve been unaware of, and it’s usually something pretty profoundly terrible, that has built up over time.

Which is where I find myself right now. 

I’m fighting right now to accept a truth that someone has shared with me, and it’s hard, because it forces me to realize that I haven’t acted in the way that I could have. It wasn’t that I did something horribly intentional, I think that would have been easier. No this was something that I failed to see, because of that failure I therefore failed to act.

I think the ‘sins of omission’ are harder to live with, because they can often look like indifference, which is the most painful of emotions to treat someone with.

Which was never my intention, but I can understand how it looked that way. I think sometimes I lose sight of the everyday in my struggles to find myself, to find peace, to share it and to embody it. 

But I have to be careful that I don’t use that as a shield to hide behind when a painful emotion arises because I have not lived in accordance with my highest principles. 

So why is saying “sorry” so hard for me?

Because I think admitting failure brings back so many hard things for me. Feelings of inadequacy as a child, as a teenager, as a young man, as a husband, as a father, as a friend. Admitting that I have erred open the floodgates of feelings that I try to live with, but somehow never quite manage to find a balance with.

But just because it hurts isn’t a reason to avoid it, so I have to go and say I’m sorry.

And then begin the process of change to show that my apology is real. Because that’s really how we know if we are sorry, we take action to try to make it right. It doesn’t mean we won’t make more mistakes, or even repeat the mistake, but I’ve found that it is easier to accept an apology when I can see that someone is taking concrete steps to change. 

And it’s honestly easier to apologize if I know I am trying to do something to make it right.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: You might not agree, but you can understand

You might not agree, but you can understand.

How do we ever find peace? There are some times when I get discouraged at the conflicts around me. 

So many people who just can’t seem to find a way around their disagreements, because neither can find it in their heart to reach beyond the boundaries of their own interests, and allow that the other person may have an equally valid point of view.

And so they hurt each other, when they could try to find their way to peace.

Now please understand me here, I am fully aware that there are people in the world with whom you cannot find a balance, and I’m not talking about them. You know who they are, and they are to be pitied, but avoided. 

One of my favorite mantras is that “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm’, and there are some people who will just let you burn yourself to death, and it will never be enough.

I’m talking here about people who are normally reasonable, but who can’t seem to find a way to peace.

I’ve been trying to broker a peace between two people for a while now. It’s not that they are fighting, that would almost be better, but they are just not talking about something that is burdening their relationship. 

Neither one is ‘at fault’; they are both goodhearted people, but they have found themselves in opposition over a situation that is causing them both pain.

Though neither intends it for themselves or for the other.

The sad part is that neither of them seem ready to initiate the process of peacemaking, both waiting for the other to reach out. 

One because they feel deep inside that the other reaching out would be a sign of their depth of caring, and the other because they do not see a pathway through the pain and sadness that they feel would result from a discussion.

So neither of them starts the conversation, and the discord grows louder in the silence of their fears.

In truth, I know that this is a situation that is never going to be ‘all better’ for either of them, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find a balance for the two of them to exist in. 

Both of them need to understand that you don’t have to have agreement, or even the absence of pain, to find peace in a relationship. 

You just have to have a willingness to find compassion for the other person, even if you are never to find common ground on the subject at hand.

Compassion doesn’t have to mean agreement, but it can mean that there is love in the presence of disagreement.
If you find yourself in a place of division with another, I ask you to see if you can at least understand why they feel the way they do. 

You do not have to agree with their point of view, but if you can find it in your heart to reach compassion for how they feel, you may be able to find ways to balance the disagreement through caring conversations that draw you closer to each other.

We are never going to agree one hundred percent of the time, but we can be united in our desire to love in spite of our differences.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: How can I make you feel safe?

How can I make you feel safe?

Do you remember back to your childhood? Were there ever days where you laid on the grass and stared up into a beautiful bright blue sky with fluffy clouds and felt safe, like you could share your truth with people and the world would be okay? 

Maybe to that one special friend who you knew would not judge you; someone with whom you could share your soul.

There’s something beautiful in those moments, something sacred, something fleeting.

Because as we grow, we generally tend to learn to hide parts of ourselves away. Especially if you’re trying to survive a difficult childhood, where you are exposed to things and situations that no child should have to contemplate. 

But the longer we hide our truth from the world, the greater the burdens that we carry, and the deeper we bury our truth.

Because we are afraid of the reactions and responses of others.

Sharing the truth of yourself can be very difficult. None of us like to feel vulnerable, but the truth is that feeling vulnerable is a sign that we do not feel “safe” in the situation in which we find ourselves. 

In some way, we associate sharing our truth with pain, and so we lock our truth deep away. Usually it’s not physical pain that we fear, although that can happen, but most of the time it’s the fear of judgment, rejection or shame.

Emotional pain is so much more damaging than physical pain.

Most of the time we don’t attach a sense of our self-worth to physical pain, because although it hurts at the time, it doesn’t scar soul in the same way. 

Emotional pain often carries with it a huge negative judgment upon ourselves that left untreated will poison our happiness, dimming the brightness of our soul and decreasing our power to be a light unto others.

But when you find that person who makes you feel safe, who makes you feel that you can say anything, your soul just flares with joy, and the light shines from you ever so brightly.

Because then we can begin to draw the poison from the wound in your soul. When we share our truth with another and are accepted without judgment, finding only love and kindness, we can begin to understand ourselves better, and make peace with the person we find there.

And in finding peace in your soul, you can help others feel safe in their truth.

Part of my goal within this work is to hopefully be a place of safety for you. Even though we may not talk one with another, I hope that you can feel within this work a sense of acceptance, a sense of love and a sense of peace. 

Maybe for one fleeting moment you and I can connect through these words, and allow you to discard the distractions of deception, and come to realize the truth of the beauty of your soul and the grandeur and wonder of the light within you.

Today I want to know that I’m here for you. If you need to talk, please feel free to reach out.

I just want to make you feel safe so that you can grow into the person you have always wanted to be.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The struggle is real

The struggle is real.

One of the greatest illusions that we fall prey to is also one of the most insidious. I say that, because it robs so many people of the truth of their lives, and leaves them questioning themselves, their surroundings and the very nature of life itself. 

Sometimes they will even question their very worth as a human being, as a soul, just because they misunderstand one very simple fact of life.

Everyone suffers, everyone has it hard.

‘But wait’ you say, eager to point out where I am wrong…. ‘What about <inset name here>? They seem to have it really easy’. To which I’ll reply ‘how little do you know them’. Because honestly, I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have problems. 

From the millionaire who struggles with crushing self esteem issues to the beautiful woman who is afraid that she will never be realized for who she is, not what she looks like.

We all have problems.

Someone once commented on this work, and said how wonderful my life must be because I seem to have it all figured out. I wondered if they had ever read anything I’ve written. 

Because trust me, most of my experience, and whatever little wisdom I may have obtained, has come through some really hard things, and yet when I look around me, I also realize that I have had it very, very easy compared to many.

I have yet to find anyone who has made it through without problems and struggles.

And that’s really the whole point of today’s piece, to help you understand that the struggles you face are not a sign of your weakness, your unworthiness or even your uncleanness (if you think of it in that way).

The struggles you face are a sign of something far more profound, and far more inspiring than anything that you could ever imagine.

It’s a sign that you are human.

Could some of your problems be the result of your failures… of course they could be. Some of mine are. I’m facing a huge problem right now, one of absolutely immense proportions, that is a result of one of my failures. 

But the truth is that my ‘failure’ didn’t occur in a vacuum of perfection that indicates something of negative judgment against me. This ‘failure’ occurred as the result of a long series of unfortunate incidents, choices made in ignorance, and responses to trauma that was never of my choosing.

Had I ever known the outcome of the choices I made so long ago, I would never be where I am today.

But in life, we don’t get to know all the answers up front.

All we can do is make the best choice we can in the moment that we have to make it, and then live with the consequences. That’s where the struggle comes in, because sometimes we choose the wrong path, and we have to walk the road that we chose in a moment of imperfect judgment. 

We struggle to live, either with the outcome of a decision, or with the effects of the impersonal nature of a very determined universe.

The point is, we all struggle.

So today, I invite you to cast off your feelings of inadequacy because you struggle, and take all that emotional energy and use it to fight harder against the trials that beset you. 

Know that the difficulty you face is not a reflection on who you are as a person, but who are as a species.

We’re all messed up, some just hide it better than others.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The principles of peace

The principles of peace.

How would you define peace? It’s kind of a tough one, because each of us has a slightly different understanding of the feeling, and our own definition of how we get there. 

But the similarities are greater than the differences, and so I thought I would share my principles for peace, in the hopes that it might help you as you walk your own journey.

It starts with one principle... Solitude.

I don’t mean being alone, although that is definitely a part of this principle. For me, solitude means a level of self acceptance and balance. It’s that state where you have no need for anyone else. 

If you’ve read my work, you’ll probably have heard me talk about the 6 human needs, and how they define and control our actions.

Solitude is the state of balance in your needs, so that you are ‘self-referential’; meaning that you don’t need anyone else to be at peace.

That sound like a hard thing to achieve, and make no mistake, it is, except that the principle behind it is easier than you could possibly imagine. 

All it requires is forgiveness, acceptance, knowledge and dedication to something other than yourself.

Forgiveness: learning how to forgive yourself for your mistakes and weaknesses. The deeper you learn about yourself, and how you have been conditioned in life, the more you come to understand your mistakes through the filter of a distorted need, or a response to trauma. 

You can learn to forgive yourself, and cast off the burdens of shame, guilt and feelings of inadequacy. In time, you’ll learn to stop judging yourself, and those around you.

Acceptance: coming to a knowledge of who you really are. This begins with the process of analyzing your strengths and weaknesses, your traumas and ideation of self. 

Moving further, you realize that none of these are actually you at all, just states of being that your consciousness, the awareness that you call you, is currently experiencing. As your identity becomes awareness, rather than expression, the definitions of the outside world fall away.

Dedication to something other than yourself: this is the adoption of purpose as identity, rather than the ideas of self that you gave away in acceptance. 

When you become a part of something greater than yourself, you find your peace through identity of the principle that you espouse (can you see the word spouse in that word – you become married to a higher purpose). When you become a principle, then your need for identity is sufficient, because you find all the significance and connection you need there.

I know that sounds like a lot, and it is, but once you grasp the concept of a self referential peace, then everything else falls away. 

You exist in your current relationships being grateful for whatever you receive, but needing nothing, and giving of yourself freely. You encounter every situation taking nothing, fearing nothing, but serving at the highest level of your aspirations and desires.

True peace is calm and serenity in the presence of solitude. 

I pray you can find your way there, and that I may be of help along your journey.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Peacemaker

Peacemaker.

What’s your role in life? I ask, because I’m honestly curious. I think so many of us spend our lives trying to figure out what we are supposed to do with our time here on this good earth. 

Sure, you can spend your day in the pursuit of things that make you happy, but after a while you’ll come to the realization that ‘things’ are never enough.

That if you want a true sense of purpose, you have to create an alignment of what you are good at with how you can truly serve in the world.

There is a Japanese concept called ‘Ikigai’ that explains this perfectly. Ikigai is the alignment of what you love doing, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can make money at. 

When you find that thing, it’s like the universe unlocks it’s secrets, and the world around you shifts into an alignment of power and possibility.

My Ikigai seems to be the role of peacemaker.

It seems strange, and somehow ironic, that someone who grew up in a house that had more than its fair share of arguments should find a love of bringing people together. As a child I would try time after time to get my mother and father to stop fighting. 

One time I even went as far as to smash a glass in my hand, hoping that the sight of blood coming from my palm might be enough to stop them fighting outside our house, and come back inside.

It wasn’t completely successful, but I’ve learned a lot since then.

Now, I find a deep sense of joy and purpose in helping people find peace inside their own soul, and in facilitating a conversation between two people who have come upon a point of contention that they cannot overcome by themselves. 

The more proficient I become, the greater I see a need for this skill in the world.

Yet for all I can do in the cause of peace, I am powerless without people who desire it.

Because in any conflict, there must be a desire for peace in all of those who are party to the contention. If each person comes willingly, with a deep desire to understand and a strong passion for peace, then the process becomes one of conversation, compassion and cooperation. 

If they come with a desire to be proven right, and to force the acquiescence of the other, then the process becomes infinitely more complicated, as we focus on healing hearts and soothing the souls. 

That’s a more difficult proposition, but it can be done, and can be infinitely sweeter when it occurs.

If we would seek to enjoy our time here in this world, then there can be no greater cause than peace, and no greater reward than the renewal of love and friendship between those who are now at war.

May you find peace this day, and always.

And I wonder…. What’s you Ikigai?

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I am the luckiest of men

I am the luckiest of men.

It’s been a staple of late night comedians for many, many years. The one joke that always gets a laugh, and never falls flat. When you get right down to it, it’s never actually funny, because it highlights the disunity of families, and the difficulty that people have finding peace in complex relationships. 

But as long as there have been people, comedians have been targeting the one person who never seems to get any respect.

Their mother-in-law.

I honestly think that most of the time (note that I said most, not all) it’s more a reflection on the person who is making the joke rather than the woman who is being referenced. 

I can’t imagine it’s easy seeing your child married to someone who may not treat them the way that you think they should, especially when you gave birth to that child, and sacrificed as much as you could give in their upbringing.

I’m sure my mother-in-law had her concerns when I married into the family. I know some of my wife’s sisters did. :) 

But for all of her concerns, I can testify to you truthfully that my mother-in-law has become one of my very best friends. 

I wish you could meet her, and come to love her in the way that I do. She’s been a part of my life for over 24 years now, and I can’t express in words just how amazing she is.

And not just in her greatest moments, but in her darkest.

I have seen her survive things in life that I’m not sure I would have made it through. Her strength, her resilience in terms of her goodness and her determination are beyond inspiring. 

I have seen her hit with bombs over these years; painful experiences that would have crushed most people, and yet she has stood strong and carried on through it all.

She’s even learned to put up with me. :)

I have come to cherish the times that she and I talk. We come from so very different worlds, such diverse backgrounds that sometimes I feel like I am once again an alien (I’m an immigrant, so I was once an alien, albeit a friendly one) when we talk. 

We see things from such different perspectives, that on some of our most basic comprehensions of reality we stand in stark contrast. I am sure she wonders what her daughter did in marrying me.

Yet never have I felt anything but love and acceptance from her.

So today, I wish to pay tribute to an amazing woman, who I am so proud and humbled to call my friend. I won’t use her name, I’ll simply call her Mom, like I always do. 

We talked for last night for hours, and though I am sure she wishes she could understand me, I am awed and amazed at the patience and compassion she extends to me. I’m so grateful for her presence in my life. 

Every day, every conversation is a wonder…

and I am truly blessed.

(P.S. She loves sunflowers, so today's picture is just for her)

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Blind Though I Could See

Blind Though I Could See.

What do you see when you close your eyes? A long time ago, I wrote about how I could see my vision when I closed my eyes, and it guided me and gave meaning to my words and my actions. 

Yet for a while now, my vision has been clouded, difficult to see and even more difficult to follow. I’ve struggled to understand the most simple reference of where I am, let alone where I am going.

And my lack of a clear vision has shown up in all aspects of my life.

Yet in the confusion and the turmoil of the last few months of my life, where many things I had taken for granted have changed beyond recognition, I had not emotionally realized that my vision was crumbling around me. 

I was so busy looking at myself, and all the areas in which I was failing, that I failed to stop and evaluate myself in the way I help others.

Sometimes we have to get back to the basics, to our foundation, and start from the bottom all over again.

And in doing so, I realized that not only had my vision become stale, because I had failed to update it for the things that had changed in my life, but that my focus had become splintered and scattered. 

I was letting too many small things, individual hurts and emotional wounds, grow out of proportion and cloud my judgment.

Although I had sight, I was blind as to the direction I needed to move in.

Once my vision was lost, so went my motivation, and I was left to using willpower to give me the strength to keep going, which is never a good idea. Our willpower has limits, and eventually, no matter how hard we try, there is never enough willpower to make up for a lack of vision. 

The small details start to get lost, and before you know it, you’re adrift in an endless sea of possibilities, wondering how you ended up wherever this is.

So it falls to me now to find a new vision, a better direction, a clearer understanding.

Which, as you can probably well imagine, is a lot harder than it sounds. How do you find the time, let alone the clarity, to restructure your future when you are so busy trying to keep your head above water in the now? 

Where, while juggling the roles of husband, father, son-in-law, brother-in-law, uncle, Doctor, business owner, teacher, entrepreneur, coach and writer of a daily Facebook page, do I find the time to discover inspiration from the infinite future of all possibilities?

Simple answer – I make time. 

Maybe it’s getting up earlier, and spending time alone with the birds in our garden as the suns rises. Maybe it’s taking our crazy 8 month old puppy out for more walks, and leaving the digital world behind so I can listen to the quiet whisperings from my mind. 

Maybe it’s seeking out places that inspire me, and listening to the words of mentors who bring peace and clarity to my soul. 

Maybe it’s in the conversations with good friends, who see in me things I cannot see in myself.

Where do you find your vision?

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Paying the Price for Each Other’s Trauma

Paying the Price for Each Other’s Trauma.

There’s a strange thing that happens when you marry someone. It’s not really talked about in the run up to the big day, because everyone is focused on the positives, the hopes, the dreams, the wishes. 

Yet each partner in the marriage brings along a silent gift, an unwrapped mystery, that their significant other will spend the rest of their relationship paying for.

Their own trauma.

Because no matter how good of a person we are, we all bring our baggage into our relationships. Maybe it’s an inability to truly talk about how you feel, because you were taught as a child that you didn’t matter. 

Maybe it’s a soul crushing insecurity and inability to trust, because you were once cheated on, and made to feel so insignificant. Or maybe it’s an inability to open up intimately because you were taught that it was wrong, dirty and sinful.

Whatever you bring, your partner will pay for it, with their suffering, with their pain.

None of us are exempt. 

Holly and I have a fun story that I came into our marriage with 2 suitcases, while she came with a U-Haul. It’s not too far from the truth, because when I left England to emigrate to America and marry Holly I literally condensed everything I owned into 2 large suitcases that weighed in just under the maximum allowable limit. Everything else in my life was discarded, or so I thought.

In truth, I was bringing an ocean liner full of baggage with me, one that I was woefully unaware of.

And over the years of our life together, Holly has had to pay the price for the baggage I brought with me. Thankfully, none of it has been a deal breaker, partly because she has incredible patience with me, and partly because I think she could see that I have never stopped trying to learn about myself, and change the parts of me that have been detrimental to our life together.

She has never blamed me for my weaknesses, although they are many.

But there’s something incredibly painful in realizing that your partner, the person you want to do everything for and give everything to, has suffered because of your imperfections and inadequacies. 

That’s part of what drives me onward in my journey to overcome the many obstacles from my past that have prevented me from becoming the person I desperately desire to be.

Emotional trauma in all its forms has one truth running through it – that healing takes awareness and it definitely takes time.

Understanding and helping someone through their trauma takes patience, kindness, a willingness to be honest and a desire to serve. It is harder when their unhealed trauma affects us, and causes us pain, but it is still possible to find within yourself a wellspring of compassion and caring to pour over the wounds that your partner has not yet healed.

Because the greatest healing occurs not in a vacuum of communication, but in a connection of hearts, healing and helping each other.

Until we are both whole, together.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Why You Shouldn’t Ask for Forgiveness

Why You Shouldn’t Ask for Forgiveness.

Several years ago, a person who I knew did something to me that was pretty terrible. I tried to show compassion for something they were going through, and they turned around and treated me like garbage, in front of someone else. 

It wasn’t really a surprise, because this person had a proven track record of treating people badly, but it still annoyed me intensely.

I felt like my compassion was being thrown back in my face, and at the time I was not far enough along on my journey to be able to get past that.

So I walked away from our interaction. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything. I just walked off. 

As was the person’s modus operandi, I received a phone message a little while later that contained that person’s standard type of apology. Not the first time I had heard it, so I knew what to expect. I honestly think it was sincerely meant.

But when you’ve heard an apology a few times, it kind of gets old.

The next time we met, the person apologized again, and then asked me straight out if I would forgive them. I was stunned by the almost demanding nature of their request. In my attempt to be honest, I informed the person that I wasn’t able to do that yet, but that in time I expected to be able to move past our most recent interaction.

But that wasn’t enough for them.

For the rest of that day, every chance that the person got to remind me that I hadn’t forgiven them yet was taken. It was almost as though they felt that their apology instantly placed me in a position where my forgiveness HAD to be given, and I was in the wrong by not instantly absolving them of any guilt. 

That was when I realized a truth that has stayed with me ever since.

No sincere apology ever includes a request for forgiveness.

Because if you are really sorry, an apology is about what is due to the other person, and in seeing what you can do to make amends. That’s what being sorry means. You recognize that you have treated someone badly, and you admit that to them, and show you are sorry by the actions you take to repair the damage that you have caused.

The second you ask for their forgiveness, it stops being about the person that you wronged, and it goes back to being all about you. 

Which, when you think about it, is exactly what asking for forgiveness is really all about. You are asking for someone to absolve you of something that you did, so you can feel better about yourself. 

I means that all you are focusing on is you.

Which will probably end up with you needing to apologize again sometime soon.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: A Deeper Relationship with Yourself

A Deeper Relationship with Yourself.

Yesterday we talked together about understanding that somebody else’s failure to see your worth is not a reflection on your value. 

Today I’d like to share some truths with you so that you can come to a deeper relationship with yourself, and find yourself less concerned with the opinions of others, because you arrive at a place of peace within yourself, your very own sanctuary of the soul.

I cannot promise you that the journey is easy, but I can guarantee that the destination is worth the effort to get there.

Because when you have peace in your soul, and a firm knowledge of who you are, someone else’s estimation of your value simply becomes irrelevant. It’s not that you think you are wonderful, or that you think you are terrible. 

Rather it’s that you have come to understand that the worth of your soul is not defined by anyone’s opinion, even your own.

You realize that the value of your soul is incalculable, and so is everybody else’s.

It begins with a careful examination of all that you are. It’s not that you are unaware of your faults, rather that you accept them. 

That can be hard to do, because most of us have been taught all of our lives that we are imperfect, unacceptable and broken. In order to justify that belief, we assign intention to our unintentional failures, we accredit cruelty to our reflexive response to trauma, and we attach shame when our best efforts do not yield a perfect response.

In order to find peace with yourself, you must first forgive yourself.

If that sounds impossible, it’s because you are still stuck in the lies that you have allowed to scar your soul. Removing those beliefs is never easy, and you’ll usually release a lot of emotion along the way. 

Very often you’ll cry tears of sadness amidst tears of joy, as you come to accept all that you are now with all that could be. It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy and is certainly isn’t something to be taken lightly.

But when you know you, as only you can know you, you find a new sense of judgment.

Because all of a sudden your judgment of yourself is the only one that really matters. It’s not that you don’t take other people’s opinions into consideration, but that you understand that the final judgment on your value is yours alone. 

Suddenly you become your own person, a shining consciousness, a person of peace, at peace with the world.

And everything changes.

Because when no one’s opinion can hurt you, you fear no one’s opinion. Suddenly you can talk with others and share your truth kindly, gently and honestly. When you have nothing to fear, you find love in abundance for all, for none can hurt you. 

And in your journey to understand all that you have been through, you’ll understand all that they have been through as well. And then your heart is softened and you weep.

Because you finally see the value of their soul, reflected in the value of your own.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Your Value is Not Determined by the People Who Don’t Want You

Your Value is Not Determined by the People Who Don’t Want You.

No matter who you are, no matter how successful you become, no matter how large your house, how expensive your car or how much of a difference you have made in the world, there’s one thing you can always guarantee. 

Someone, somewhere is going to reject what you have to offer. Maybe it’s your profession, maybe it’s your faith or maybe it’s who you are as a person

And sometimes, it’s hard not to take rejection personally.

Most of us come into this world with a deep desire for connection. As one of our six human needs, it’s a powerful motivator, but it also can be an incredible detriment to our health and our happiness if we are not watchful guardians of our behaviors. 

Our deep need for connection (and I use the word ‘need’ rather than ‘want’ very specifically) can be a source of incredible peace and satisfaction when it is met, and an incredibly painful, almost debilitating, wound when it is not.
So how do we learn to take rejection less personally?

In my work healing people, there’s two ways that we work on healing this problem. And if you think you’re alone in this, please understand that this is one of the most common things that I deal with when talking to people. 

One of the ways is a mindset shift that will reverberate through all of your relationships, and the other is to deepen your relationship with yourself.

I know that sounds simple, and an oversimplification, but it’s really not.

To explain the mindset shift, I’ll share with you a recent interaction with someone. She had mentioned that due to the circumstances of her birth, she felt unwanted and discarded. In my experience, those are often the emotions that follow an awareness that you are adopted. 

I shared with her the simple mindset shift that can make such a difference in your world, not just if you are adopted, but if you are facing some kind of rejection in any area of your life.

That you were unwanted and discarded is not a statement on your value, it is a reflection on somebody else's weakness and values.

Because for some reason, when somebody rejects us, we automatically take their opinion as gospel truth, rather than realizing that they have their own issues, demons problems that they bring into their assessment of you. 

It took me a long time to realize that my father’s emotional distance from me was not a reflection on my value, nor even reflection on his judgment, but rather the reality that he was carrying his own demons and being chased day after day after day.

So the next time somebody rejects you in some way, instead of immediately taking that as a judgment of who you are, but look at it as a symptom of where they are at.

Because we all carry demons until we do the work to drive them out.

Tomorrow I’ll talk more about the other way in which I help people deal with rejection, which is to create a deeper relationship with themselves. 

I hope to see you here.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: I Only Know What I Can Do

I Only Know What I Can Do.

There’s a great line from a movie I like that I use to try to keep my mind in the right place. Facing almost certain death, one character turns to the other and says “I don’t know what I am supposed to do, I only know what I can do”. 

In that one line, the character admits both a weakness and a strength. The strength is easy to see, but the weakness is a little more complex.

Because it’s not that he doesn’t know, it’s that he believes in ‘supposed to’.

So many of us live our lives in the shadow of supposition. Maybe it’s due to the expectations of a partner, or the deeply held wishes of a family member, or maybe just some belief that we have somehow picked up along the way. 

However we got to this point, believing that there is something you are ‘supposed to do’ in any situation is the fastest way I know to cut off possibilities, and funnel yourself into a pathway that may not be the one that is most in alignment with your soul.

And inevitably, that comes back to bite you at some point.

If you find yourself in that place, don’t worry, you’re not alone. All of us end up here at some point, and the funny thing is that even though we get to decide how long we remain in the shadow of supposition, some people stay stuck there, choosing the ‘security’ of a supposed right path, rather than accept and embrace the uncertainty that is the true inheritance of our birth.

We don’t really know very much at all, but we like to think we do, because it gives us comfort against all that we don’t.

The second half of the line I quoted above is the one that gives me the greater comfort. Once you choose to step away from what you suppose you ‘should do’, you step out on a journey that will grant you the experience of choosing what you ‘can do’. 

That doesn’t mean you act in violation of your own terms of morality and kindness, far from it. If anything, it forces you into a greater examination of your own conscience and consciousness, pushing you to justify your ideals and aspirations against all that you believe to be good and right in the universe.

The more you do this, the greater awareness you will gain of who you really are.

And knowing who you are is so very important. So many people these days walk around in the confusion of a social media definition of themselves, struggling to find out who they really are in the midst of a million deafening denigrations, and thousands upon thousands of confusing, chaotic comparisons. 

Too many people are scared to ‘do’ anything, lest they encounter the terror of a negative opinion.

Which is why coming to a knowledge of yourself is the greatest armor you can ever put on. Once you know who you are, and what you will do, the fog and chaos of supposition gives way to the certainty of a self born out of decision and direction. Clarity is rarely born out of deliberation, but out of action.

So today, I invite you to become more of who you were born to be by choosing to act, and ‘do’ the things that you can do, that ‘you’ believe are moral, ethical and right.

And kind. 

What can ‘you’ do?

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: None But The Power You Give Them

None But The Power You Give Them.

I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend yesterday. As we talked, it became apparent that she was struggling mightily with deep feelings of sadness and loss. 

Not for one who had died, but for the loss of a relationship. Not that the person had left, but their interactions had changed so that her place in the world was different, less certain, and with decreased freedom.

Yet her struggle was not with the other person – it was with herself.

She was trapped within a construct entirely conceptual, yet no less effective than had she been shackled and bound. The chains that held her ran deep, ringing to the sounds of duty versus selfishness, family versus identity, and kindness versus coercion. 

She felt like her role in life had been circumscribed out of fate, and she could not see a pathway leading to her freedom from the prison in her mind.

Until I pointed out the many frailties of the arguments with which she bound herself.

As we talked, I gently challenged all of these beliefs and concepts, pointing out their flaws, and helping her to see where she was hurting herself out of a misguided but well-intentioned belief that she had to behave and act a certain way. 

Partly she was ascribing wisdom to those who did not necessarily deserve it, and partly berating herself for feelings that were natural and just. 

In a maelstrom of fractured meanings and misplaced intentions, she was giving away her freedom to live for herself out of a sense of loyalty to the morals of another, who may not have had her best interests at heart.

And as I helped her cross the threshold of uncertainty into a better understanding, she wept tears of pain for the loss of all that she had sacrificed, and for that which she was losing in her new found recognition of the choices she had made. 

Make no mistake about it, coming to a full knowledge of yourself is no easy task. It can bring you to your knees, but it is your choice as to how long you stay there.

Because the truth is that our feelings, and our subsequent choices around and because of those feelings, only have as much power as we allow them. 

One of the greatest truths I teach people as I set them free from themselves is that they can control themselves to a degree that they had hitherto found unimaginable, and withstand the most difficult feelings, by coming to understand where those feelings really come from, and then learning that their feelings are an experience in reality, not an expression of their soul.

And once you can see through the lies that you cling to as truths, you can become a person of decision, rather than a victim of deception.

Because your feelings have no power, other than that which you give unto them.

Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The paralysis of doing the right thing

The paralysis of doing the right thing.

I’m seeing this more and more, so much so that it seems to be a new epidemic. People who are so scared of doing “the wrong thing” that they are stuck in the a never ending search for doing “the right thing”. 

They seek for it, they desperately desire it, and even if they finally find something that could be the correct thing, they spend their lives in fear that they are somehow “doing the right thing in a wrong way”.

Does that sound familiar to you?

In the last 48 hours, I’ve discussed two cases of this with people. In both situations, someone’s ability to function in society is threatened because that person is so scared of doing the ‘wrong thing’ that they are anxious in almost any social situation, and as such are withdrawn, hiding themselves away from normal life. 

In both cases, the person affected is intelligent, kind, personable and without a significant deficit that would prevent them from enjoying life in a normal way.

Yet neither of them functions in the world at the level that they could.

Instead they have chosen to pull away and hide out of a fear of the feelings that they think they would experience from doing the ‘wrong thing’, and in their nervous system, somehow they have come to associate those feelings with death, as if they could die from a feeling.

I know that sounds crazy, but if you’ve ever talked to someone in the middle of an anxiety attack, you’ll have come face to face with someone who truly, deeply and fervently believes they are going to die. 

They believe it so hard that their body will manifest the feelings of pain, and their nervous system will manufacture the racing heart, the shallow breath, the tingling in their fingertips and the dizziness and disorientation.

Because what the brain truly believes, it manifests, both good and bad. 

When I work with people who have this anxiety compulsion, it usually comes down to a moment of trauma in their life, where for some reason they linked a non-fatal situation to a perception of death. 

As I talk to them, and ask them to explain what occurs in the moment where the anxiety takes over, I see them cross that threshold from knowing/language into the realm of feeling/non-language. They’ll struggle to tell me why they feel that way, and usually end up feeling rather than talking, experiencing rather than explain.

Dying, rather than living.

So today, I ask you to be aware of those people around you who are not living up to their full potential because of the fear that holds them in its thrall. Reach out to them, and tell them how much you value them, and how important they are in your life. 

The chances are, they have no idea of who they could become, and just how necessary they are to the world.

It’s up to us to remind them that a little fear won’t kill them, but their eventual regret might.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Threshold

Threshold.

Tomorrow it all changes. As I sit here tonight, my fear about tomorrow is palpable, and yet so is my excitement. 

They blend together in a strange mixture of anticipation and dread, joy and terror, happiness and sadness, peace and anxiety. I know that after tomorrow, I will have either succumbed to my fear, or broken through it.

And either one will change me.

I’m going flying tomorrow, in a plane that is so small that it defies my understanding. It’s called a ‘discovery flight’, and it will be my first time in anything quite so small. I used to be terrified of flying in anything, so this is a huge test for me. 

While the logical part of my brain accepts that it is safe, the anxious part screams that what I am doing is dangerous, foolhardy and unnecessary. So, like the time I went skydiving, I’m going to face that fear square in the face and do exactly what brings me terror.

In the understanding that only by crossing the threshold can I become who I want to be.

Because terror, and its less intense but often more pernicious friend anxiety, are the things that hold back so many of us from enjoying a life of deep purpose and intense meaning. The fear of rejection, the fear of self disgust, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of loss. 

Each of these has robbed each of us in some way, denying us of our chance to experience life at its fullest and to give back to the universe by following our purpose. 

So tomorrow, I do what I do not only for me, but for you.

Because I want you to understand that you are stronger than the voices in your head that hold you back. Strength, resilience and power are not some soul alchemy granted to a few, but they are there to be claimed and wielded by anyone who has the awareness to push past their programming, and face their fears moment by moment, day by day.

And I believe you are strong enough to overcome that which holds you back.

So I do what I am going to do in full knowledge that I will be scared. So be it. I am doing this because each day is not a guaranteed promise of more time, and because time spent without a meaningful life is the greatest tragedy that can befall any of us. There is nothing that can take away the pain of regret when the opportunity to live a full life has passed us by.

So I mean to take this chance to do something that means more to me than I can express.

My hope is that I will break through more than just one fear tomorrow, and that I can go forward to do the things that I believe I am capable of, and find a greater sense of meaning in my life then I currently feel.

I hope that I can inspire you to do the same.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings