Why is sorry so hard?
I hate apologizing. There, I said it. Tough to admit, and even tougher to share with you all. But I try to be honest in this work, so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes and failings, of which there are many.
I try to learn from them too, but sometimes the lessons are really hard, and I find myself dropping back into my old safeguards of self pity, anger and frustration.
None of which do me any good at all.
So I try to live in a way that minimizes the times I have to say I’m sorry. I haven’t lost my temper in 35 years. I try to speak kindly to everyone, and to see their side in any disagreements that arise, seeking to find a peace that we can both move forward with.
I’m in no way perfect, but I hope that I have made improvements to myself during the journey of my years.
So when I do make a mistake, it’s usually something that I’ve been unaware of, and it’s usually something pretty profoundly terrible, that has built up over time.
Which is where I find myself right now.
I’m fighting right now to accept a truth that someone has shared with me, and it’s hard, because it forces me to realize that I haven’t acted in the way that I could have. It wasn’t that I did something horribly intentional, I think that would have been easier. No this was something that I failed to see, because of that failure I therefore failed to act.
I think the ‘sins of omission’ are harder to live with, because they can often look like indifference, which is the most painful of emotions to treat someone with.
Which was never my intention, but I can understand how it looked that way. I think sometimes I lose sight of the everyday in my struggles to find myself, to find peace, to share it and to embody it.
But I have to be careful that I don’t use that as a shield to hide behind when a painful emotion arises because I have not lived in accordance with my highest principles.
So why is saying “sorry” so hard for me?
Because I think admitting failure brings back so many hard things for me. Feelings of inadequacy as a child, as a teenager, as a young man, as a husband, as a father, as a friend. Admitting that I have erred open the floodgates of feelings that I try to live with, but somehow never quite manage to find a balance with.
But just because it hurts isn’t a reason to avoid it, so I have to go and say I’m sorry.
And then begin the process of change to show that my apology is real. Because that’s really how we know if we are sorry, we take action to try to make it right. It doesn’t mean we won’t make more mistakes, or even repeat the mistake, but I’ve found that it is easier to accept an apology when I can see that someone is taking concrete steps to change.
And it’s honestly easier to apologize if I know I am trying to do something to make it right.
Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings