Morning Reflection: How does this affect you?

How does this affect you?

Do you have something that just really annoys you? I bet you do. We all have things that just go right to the heart of us and provoke an immediate response that is, as my kids have been taught to say “not a proportional response”. Or, in other words, it just causes you to feel way more annoyed than you really need to be.

Come on, be truthful now, you know you do. :)

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what’s really going on though? Because somewhere deep under your initial response is a reaction to a sense of violation. 

Maybe you feel like your ‘rights’ are being affected, or maybe it’s the direction of your country, or maybe it’s that someone you don’t even know might suffer as a result of the actions or words of someone you don’t even know!

You see where I’m going with this?

I’ve seen people get annoyed over the funniest things. Not enough fries with their meal, or too many onions. Maybe it’s that someone who shows up late to everything, when really that person’s attendance really doesn’t affect you at all, but just their lackadaisical attitude just offends your sense of wright (spelling deliberately incorrect) and wrong in the world. 

Or maybe it’s just that you like things the way they are, and you don’t like change.

Or maybe you’re just not being truthful with yourself.
Because if something provokes you greater than it really should, the chances are that you are reacting to something disconnected from the current event, but not yet laid to rest in your soul. 

I’m talking about a past trauma or experience where something wasn’t right, and you’ve been secretly carrying that ever since, waiting for the moment where you could bring it back to the surface and feel outraged and angry all over again.

And your previous feelings are riding piggyback over your current ones, looking for a way to get out.

That’s why it’s so important to learn to find peace within ourselves. Have you ever met that person who is perpetually angry with the world, or always ready to put themselves down? 

They’re just suffering from intense emotions that are finding their way out any which way they can. If you think it’s exhausting to be around them, just forget yourself for a moment, and imagine what it’s like to be them.

For some people, being themselves is their own version of the special hell.

So the next time you find yourself over-reacting, take a step back, and try to understand what is really going on in your heart and mind, and see if you answer the question I started today’s piece with. 

Once you practice this, you’ll find within you a new serenity as you react less, and act more. Then you’ll start to wonder about everybody around you…

And then the fun really begins. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Experience of You

The Experience of You.

Many years ago, I was ‘dumped’ by a young woman who I was very much ‘in love’ with. We had discussed possibly getting married, and although we never made anything official, we were of the age where things could have gone that way very easily. 

When I finally came to the understanding that she was seeing someone else, I was devastated, and for some time after that she still plagued my thoughts and feelings.

And it didn’t have to be that way at all.

Because I was still very much ‘in the experience’ of life, rather than understanding that life was an experience that was happening to me. If that sounds difficult to understand, let me try to explain it in a way that might make sense.

Because this is a huge principle that you need to understand in order to move forward.

There were two things happening at that moment that were not absolutely linked. One was the experience of ‘being dumped’, and the other was the meaning I was taking from ‘the experience of being dumped’. 

The two are very different, yet for most people, these are intertwined events that are inseparable until they have had a little practice in the art of ‘non-identifying’.

Which, put very simply, is the art of accepting the experience without accepting any definition of you.

Because I was as yet unaware that the two could be separated, I took the breakup very hard, accepting without question the meaning that her breaking up with me was a sign of ‘my lack of value, or acceptability’. 

Of course, no-one likes to have their dreams of a perfect future wrecked, but because I was identifying through the events that were occurring, the breakup was significantly more intense than it had to be.

Had I not identified through the breakup, then the experience would have happened to me, but not been ‘about me’.

I know it sounds like a semantic difference, but it’s really not. I can tell you that I was identifying through the break up because at the time I entered into the relationship with the her I had a poorly defined sense of self, and even less of a concept of self worth. 

I was identifying through the relationship because it helped me feel good about myself, and that made it all the worse for me when it didn’t work out.

The less I ‘need’ something from an experience, the easier it is for me not to identify with it.

And that’s really the key of living peacefully… to have made peace with your soul and to live life without ‘needing’ to take anything from the experience, knowing that you are enough without anything happening to you or because of you. 

When you reach that moment, you’ll realize that everything that happens to you is not a definition of your value, but an experience to be en’joy’ed.

And then you will find peace beyond your deepest understanding.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Universe

Universe.

I hope at least once in your life, you have been able to get away from the noise and chaos of the city, and find yourself out in the middle of nowhere as the sun sets, and the night awakens. 

If you were, I hope you were able to look upwards and experience an overwhelming sense of wonder at the indescribable majesty of the stars in the sky.

And realized that what you can see is nothing.

The size of the universe is beyond our comprehension. There’s just no way for us to experience the depth and scope of the realm in which we live in a way that does it justice. 

We can speak in distances, in years of light travel, in numbers of planets, moons, stars and nebulae. It doesn’t matter how we try, there’s never going to be a way for us to explain it to ourselves. We are the inhabitants of the infinite.

And the infinite defies a perception in our imagination.

Yet if we change our perspective, and focus inwards, we find that we are giants beyond understanding. The further you focus down, into the sub atomic and the quantum realms, you realize that we are immense and eternal. 

The closer we stare into the heart of matter and life, we find that we understand less and less of what makes us ‘real’.

Whatever being ‘real’ means.

To an atom, we are the universe, while to our universe, we are smaller than an atom. We stand in the middle of two possibilities that we are unable to imagine, and we find ourselves lost as we try to fathom our place between two realities that defy our basic comprehension. 

It’s easy to feel out of place, when you don’t know where that place really is.

Yet we don’t need to understand the universe or the atomic realm to marvel at their beauty and complexity. One look into the heavens on a starry night is enough to fill your soul with wonder and delight, while one look deep into the heart of matter is sufficient to instill within you a deep sense of gratitude for the blessing of existence, and the miracle of awareness that we share.

Our very being makes no sense, and yet it makes every sense in the world.

So the next time you find yourself feeling lost and overwhelmed, please understand that that’s ok. We don’t really know where we are, and it’s hard to discover when we are. The universe doesn’t give us direction, or answers. Those are for us to find, and to discover the questions behind them.

Just take a breath, and realize that you are you, you are here, and you are now.

That’s all that you can know for sure, and even that is up for debate :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The First Day

The First Day.

However our world came to be, I hope we can all agree that it’s amazing. Sometimes I like to imagine that I was there at the very first morning when everything was working properly. 

When all of the component pieces had come together in a singularity of beauty, and for one shining moment there was a quiet, calm sense of perfection.

Can you imagine how that must have been?

To see all the trees in their splendor, full of green leaves and standing tall. To see mountains in their eternal glory, some capped with a covering of snow, and others still reflecting the rays of the sun in magnificence. To see the oceans relentlessly pounding the shore in an endless cacophony of wave upon wave. Hearing their power, feeling their movement, sensing the timelessness of it all.

Sharing that one perfect moment with all of nature.

Seeing the wide variety of animals on the earth, each with their own sense of place and power. To watch with wonder at the movement of large groups as much as the individuals. 

To see the majesty and grandeur of the millions of different species of life intertwined in their dependent and interdependent ecospheres, filling the world with wonder, and joy.

When I imagine this moment, I find my sense of now being washed away by a feeling of eternity.

And I find myself strangely at peace; able to step back from the cares and worries of everyday life to see with different eyes the passing of my days, and the blessings I have been privileged to receive. 

Finding myself at the moment of the First Day suffuses my soul with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and a fervent desire to share that feeling with all around me.

Because in that moment, time is one, as are we.

And I think that’s really what the feeling of the First Day is for me. A wonderfully welcome sense of peace and connection with all that was, all that now is, and all that will be in the futures of tomorrow and forever. 

When I feel connected to everything and everyone, the small problems and issues of life are viewed in their proper perspective, as small inconsistencies in the midst of a wonderful experience.

Because this life is a wondrous blessing, and a miracle.

Today, I invite you to the First Day of the rest of your life. I implore you to take a few moments and realize the incomparable abundance of good things upon this good earth. 

Take in a deep breath, and find within yourself a connection and a gratitude for the day you have in front of you. If you can, meditate for a few minutes upon the reality of the reality in which you live.

And find within yourself that sense of the timeless beauty that is all around you.

And be at peace with you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Many Iterations of You

The Many Iterations of You.

My wife has been married to many different men. When she was 30, she was married to this young guy from another country who was kind of an idiot, and really kind of arrogant. 

He thought he knew how the world worked, and had all these ideas about how life should be. Turns out, he was kind of wrong, about a lot of things. He had a lot of learning to do.

And the lessons came fast.

Just a few years later, she was married to a man who was kind of broken. He was struggling to work through his own trauma, both of recent and distant origin, and was discovering that he needed a lot of help, although he wasn’t willing to ask for it. She patiently waited for him to work through his issues, and tried to help where he would allow her.

Eventually he asked for help, and began to change.

Several years later she was married to a man who was stuck. This man had exchanged freedom and sanity for an imagined security, and had found that he could not escape the demons of his past as easily as he thought he could. 

Unable to move forward because of the beliefs that held him in his own private purgatory, she waited patiently, again helping where she could.

Until the moment was right, and she helped him fly.

Now she’s married to a man who is trying. He’s come a long way from where he was when she first married him 23 years ago, yet he still brings with him challenges and frustrations. But hopefully he’s also learned a few things along the rough and broken journey, and he’s trying to use those to help her and their family, as well as those he has met along the way.

She’s been more patient that he has deserved, but that’s kind of her way.

The reflection here today is that we all change as we travel through our own highway of days. Sometimes that change is the result of persistent personal growth and improvement, and other times it’s a response to the many lessons delivered unto us by life. 

For some, change occurs quickly, and for others, the change takes a life time.

But the process of change is so very important.

My goal is to constantly change until I find a version of me that I can live with, and who is at peace with himself. That definition of peace is always changing, but it also gives me the freedom to change into the person who I feel I should be, not just the person who I currently am. We each define ourselves as much by our intentions as we do by our inadequacies. 

The process is just as important as the progress.

So if you struggle with who you are today, or feel like you need to make a few changes here and there, please know that life gives you the freedom to choose the next iteration of you, even if it’s only in how you react to all that you find in the world. The greatest changes you make will always be the ones deep inside your heart and your mind.

Just decide who you will be, and work on becoming you all over again.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The nightmares you won’t face

The nightmares you won’t face.

What are you running from? You might tell me there’s nothing, but I’m going to guess that there is. You might not even be aware of it, but somewhere deep in the dark corners of your mind, I’m confident that there is a thought, a fear, or a feeling that you struggle to experience. So instead of working through it, you shy away from it.

And it silently controls your life.

We all have some kind of trauma in our past. People think that it has to be something terrible, or life threateningly bad to ‘qualify’ as a trauma, but that’s not how it works. 

For me, the definition of trauma is “any experience that creates a negative emotional state that you can’t process, and that generates a maladaptive response cycle in the future”. Do you have something like this – I’m sure you do.

Because we’ve lived too long with the idea that we just have to “get over it”.

But no one tells us how. People just bury their feelings deep inside, and move forward, unaware of the ways that their mind will find to avoid revisiting the wound that has not healed over. 

Sometimes it can show up as anxiety, or depression, or an obsessive compulsion. Often, these traumas occur so early in our pre-verbal lives that we struggle to even remember the events that triggered the traumas, yet we live with the emotional scars long into our adult years.

Until we find a way to access, process and release the pain that occurred so many years ago.

And that’s so much harder than it sounds, because the pain is usually buried so deep that you can’t even see it, and when you get near it, the feelings of fear and loathing can overwhelm you into running anywhere but towards that which hurts you. 

In my work as a coach, I often take people into those dark corners, uncovering the feelings that scare them to their core. I never cease to be amazed at how resistant the human mind can be in its attempts to avoid the darkness, or the lightness of being they find when they have accessed, processed and released the pain that has held them for so long.

It’s never easy, but it is so worth it.

Because once you see how your defensive emotional routines have littered your past with destruction, you have the opportunity to change who you are going forwards. 

Small differences in the way that you react, the decisions that you make and the chances that you take pay out in incredible new emotions of joy, peace, happiness, fulfillment and purpose. The pain of living afraid is transformed into the excitement of living in a world of passionate possibility.

It all starts with a desire to change, and a decision to grow.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Away is never enough

Away is never enough.

A good friend of mine once sold his company for a significant amount of money. After many years of working himself to the bone, he was in position where he would never have to work a day in his life again. 

He vowed to spend the rest of his life as a world traveler, enjoying the sights and sounds of different cultures and different countries.

And it lasted for a few short months.

Soon he was back, creating a business that he feels very passionate about, looking to change lives for the better again. He discovered a secret that others before have found, and once this resonates within your soul, it will change not only how you spend your days, but what you choose to focus on in the quiet moments of your soul.

The secret is simple: Away is NEVER enough, you have to have something you are moving towards.

If you want to make powerful changes in your life, the secret is in actually having both. Something you are running from, but also something you are running to. 

When I lost over 140lbs in 18 months, it began as a combination of running from the terrible health and potential life ending circumstances I had created for myself, but also running towards the things that I saw as possible if I reached the end goal of looking and feeling the way that I wanted. 

And what I was running to kept driving me onwards, pushing me harder to achieve the goals that I set.

But sometimes, what we are running to may frighten us almost as much as that which we are running from. 

If our dreams are bigger than we feel comfortable with (which they should always be), we may become scared of the possibility of failure, and find ourselves stuck in a possibility paralysis, where we find action more terrifying than inaction. 

In this state, we allow our fears to override our desires, and we experience that terrible sensation of being ‘stuck’.

We become unwilling to break through the terror that we have created in our own minds, missing out on all the possibilities for meaning, growth and happiness out of a desperate desire to avoid a sense of failure, which is really a fear of not being worthy of being loved, and of ending up alone.

Have you ever considered how the words ‘sacred’ and ‘scared’ are almost exactly the same?

If you are looking to make any kind of a change in your life, I invite you to consider why you really want this change, and to become very clear on the things that you think you will get out of it. Then focus on those just as hard on that as you do the painful things that are making you desire to change in the first place. 

The more that you become focused on the happiness you will receive from doing, not just the peace you seek from not being where you are, you will find within you a wellspring of strength that will carry you into the land of dreams, and the home of your joy.

Focus forwards, move onwards, dream upwards.

Peace is found in progress, not procrastination.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Similarities In Our Struggles

The Similarities In Our Struggles.

The funny thing about being human is that we seem to struggle in silence with the same problems that affect each of us, yet rarely do we open up to one another about how we feel. 

We suffer in secrecy, living out the answers to the questions that we are often too afraid to ask, and even more afraid to have answered. 

When we finally open up and share, we discover that all of our concerns come down to the same few problems that we all experience. And yet we feel like we are alone, and somehow less than each other, because we have our doubts, our worries and our fears.

So today, in the spirit of hopefully showing you that you are not alone, I would share some of my fears and struggles, and see if they sound familiar to you. 

I pray you will not judge me too harshly.

I struggle with the fear that I am not a good person. Although I have spent so much time working through awareness and trauma recovery, I am still plagued with unkind thoughts towards others. 

Thankfully I’ve learned to stop myself before I say something unkind (well, most of the time) but I struggle to reconcile the good I find within me against the bad that seems ever present and ever potent.

I know I have made changes, but I wonder if they have gone deep enough.

I struggle with questions of reality and eternity. The more I study and learn, the less I am sure of my place in the universe. I find myself experiencing frustration with those who claim to ‘know’ the answers, because at the heart of all their vaunted structures are the unproven, unknowable mysteries that defy logic and reason. 

As I try to keep an open mind, I find less upon which I can be sure, and more and more that seems to be beyond my understanding.

At times I feel very alone and lost in a universe that mocks my understanding while it forces my acceptance of its abundant mystery.

I struggle to be sure that I am a good husband and father. The longer I live, the more I see of things that I could have done better, started earlier, or missed out on completely because I allowed my fears to rule where reason was unwelcome. 

I see the struggles my family endures as a result of my weakness and failings, and have come to understand the poison of regret in the litany of missed opportunities that colors the history of my days upon this world.

Time is an indiscriminate destroyer.

I find so many of these root struggles in the lives of those who have entrusted their health to me as a Doctor, or their futures to me as a Coach. I realize that my struggles are in no way unique, although their expression in my life might be. 

The truth of our common humanity is found not in our genetics, but in our grappling with the problems passed down by our ancestors, and on to our posterity.

So if you are struggling today, please know that it is not your perfections that connect you to each of us, but rather your weaknesses, your fears and your struggles.

You are not alone. You are one of all of us.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: At Peace with the Conflict

At Peace with the Conflict.

I saw somebody the other day with whom I have a difficult history. To say that this person has had a huge impact in my life is no understatement, and we parted on terms that were not altogether peaceful. 

That’s not usually how I like to leave things, but as Mick Jagger once said, “you can’t always get what you want”, and in this case, there was never going to be a peaceful way to resolve our differences. 

That person will never agree with my point of view, and I will never agree with theirs.

This was the first time that we had interacted in at least a couple of years. The meeting was not planned, but occurred in the course of business. And while it was not unpleasant, it did not unfold in the way that I would have hoped for. 

I knew that I was hoping too much for it to be a perfect outcome, and it was certainly better than it could have been, but nevertheless it was less than it could have been.

And for that, I was saddened.

For a long time after we had parted, I would find myself having dialogues in my head with this person, desperately trying to find a way to explain my point of view in a way that would allow the other person to finally understand the situation. 

It was very frustrating to find myself spending so much emotional and mental energy on a cause that I knew to be worthless, but I felt it was a signal that my emotional self was struggling to reconcile a truth that the logical side of me already knew.

Because I always try to leave a situation balanced, and I think it’s something I can usually achieve. But that was not the case this time, and I was struggling with that emotionally.

Yet after our brief meeting was over, I felt a strange sense of lightness come over me. I realized that I had moved on emotionally. Although the other person felt it necessary to try to bring up the past, I had no desire or need to. I felt a sadness at seeing that this was still something that bothered them, and I felt a degree of pity.

So later that night, after I had explained the events of the day to my family, my youngest son asked a wonderfully insightful question that guided me into a newer understanding. His one simple question rocked me to my core….“So did you get any closure from it?” 

I stopped, and allowed myself the time to work through my reactions until I came to an answer that I felt was real.

“I have made peace with the fact that there will always be a conflict between us”.

And that, for me, was incredibly freeing. My past self would ruminate over the meeting for days, trying to find some way for it all to work out, some explanation that would have soothed both sides of the disagreement, and considered myself a failure when no such explanation could be found.

But not this time.

Sometimes, it is just never going to work out, and when you find yourself in that situation, it’s ok to be ok with walking away. 

Some people will just never see it from your point of view, and that’s ok too.

You have a right to have peace in your soul, despite being unable to affect it in others.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Blank Page

Blank Page.

And you awoke. Maybe there was a moment of disorientation, where the real world of your dreams clashed with the mirror world of your reality; or maybe your eyes snapped open as you fell into a perfect understanding of who, where, when and why you were. 

It doesn’t really matter how your day started, just that it did. Is it another chance to live a life that you hoped for, or another ride through a nightmare that you can believe you’ve found yourself in?

In truth, sometimes it’s both.

Whatever the circumstances, whatever the opportunities or the pitfalls, you were given today as a blank page. Is it a chance to start anew, or to finish strong? Is this the day where you revel in your triumph, or the day when defeat tries to claim you as it’s victim? 

No one really knows where today will go, because the choices before you are potential portals to an infinite number of timelines where the outcome of a billion futures hang on one moment of decision.

Your next second, minute or hour could be the difference that splits the universe asunder.

But what masterpiece will you write with your sentience?

Do you have what it takes to change the world, or are you trying to stay hidden from all that is before you? Is today the epoch of your opus, or merely another step forward into the apex of your abilities? 

Will you rise one more time than you fall, choosing to believe in the dreams that haunt you as they drive you forward into that never defined tomorrow, or is today the day that you default on what you owe yourself and quit?

The truth is, it’s all ahead of you.

But you have to reach out and accept it, taking it with all the energy or your heart and pushing forward through all that you have to endure. Because no-one gets a life without suffering or darkness, but the choice is always yours to make. 

That’s what being human is really about; making those decisions that define us, and living with the fallout of all that comes with it. 

And getting up the next day.

So wherever in the world you find yourself, and in whatever state of joy or suffering, know that the next day of your life is a tremendous gift, an outrageous opportunity, and a blessing of inestimable worth. 

There are so many things you could do today, and some of them will change your world for the better. If you are tempted to play small, hide from yourself and avoid making a choice that chooses to ennoble the magnificent reality of all that you are, know that that is a choice also, and one you will eventually, inevitably regret.

Today is before you, in all its wonder.

And I beg you to write your masterpiece today with all the love and kindness you have in your heart. Today you have it within you to lift up the fallen, comfort the cold, soften the hard-hearted, embrace the unloveable and heal the wounded soul. This day, this gift, these choices, your moment.

All of it is waiting for you to write on the blank page of today.

Write well my friend. I believe in you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Solitary

Solitary.

As human beings, one of our six human needs is a deep desire for connection. Even those who feel that they are introverts desire some form of connection, although it’s usually more controlled, less intimate, less frequent. 

Many of us live with a desire for greater meaning in our relationships, a greater sense of depth and connection, and yet one thing keeps us from finding the authentic friendships that bring us so much growth and joy.

That one thing, is a sense that we are ‘not good enough’.

Out of our fear of the judgment and ridicule of a few, we hide ourselves away from the many who would accept us. In doing so, we actually create an environment that encourages our doubts of self worth. 

We judge ourselves by an artificial standard of everyone else’s supposed perfection, and in doing so we elevate those around us, while deprecating ourselves. So we hide away more of ourselves, retreating into a shell of the person we used to be.

And we withdraw from the very thing that can help us.

Because the more we connect with others, the faster we realize that they, like us, struggle. They have their strengths and weaknesses, their confidences and their fears. They have made mistakes, big and small, that have come to define their lives in ways that are eternal. Like us they probably have regrets, and things of which they are ashamed. Like us, they probably keep these things to themselves.

Until they find someone with whom they feel comfortable opening up.

The reason why authentic connection feels so good is because it shines a light into the darkness of doubt in our soul, revealing the lies that we tell ourselves. Sometimes all it takes is a good conversation with an honest friend to realize that we are not so different from those around us. 

While it might frighten you at first, the more you open up with someone who you trust, the more you will come to understand a powerful truth.

To be human is to struggle, to have doubts, to have failures, to have regrets, to fear loss, to fear judgment and to be afraid.

But you’re never going to understand that until you reach out, and find those friendships. Until you open up and share what it is inside of you, you’re never going to feel loved and accepted, because you’re always going to fear that there is another level of you that is unacceptable, unworthy and unlovable.

It’s one of those Zen puzzles of life; that to find acceptance you must risk rejection. To find comfort, you will probably need to risk being uncomfortable, and to find joy, you need to be willing to risk sadness.

But when you find the truth of who you are reflected in the relationships you enjoy...... 

You’ll find the risk was worth it.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Sidewinder

Sidewinder.

You know that I try to be honest with you in this work. The last three days have been pretty tough. On Friday afternoon we heard that a friend of ours was in the hospital after having a really bad stroke. 

It came as a shock, especially since she is younger than we are. Somehow that makes it worse, and I guess it’s because it makes you realize that it could happen to any of us.

None of us like to be aware of our mortality.

Later that afternoon I learned that the young daughter of a cousin of mine has been diagnosed with an aggressive and fast-moving brain tumor. My heart ached for my cousin and her husband, who face the terrible possibility that no parent should have to bear. 

I hate the feeling of helplessness that we experience when something like this happens. We wish we could help, but there’s nothing we can do.

Holly remarked on Friday afternoon that these things usually come in threes. 

So when I received a text on Sunday morning telling me that a dear woman who has always been a second mother to Holly had suffered a severe stroke late last week, I dreaded letting her know. 

I was at a continuing education seminar, and so I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold Holly while she cried. Thankfully she was able to be with her Mom and her sister, and they were able to support and hold one another.

Sometimes life can be so cruel.

I don’t share this with you for sympathy, or to bring you down. There are many things in life that are beautiful, wonderful and a blessing. So many good things happen each day that we become complacent in our appreciation, and find the gratitude that we could feel somehow lacking. 

We all have challenges, and yet we all have so much that is good in the world. But so often it takes a shock to awaken us to the magnitude of how fortunate we are.

The title of this post is a reflection on the truth that the universe can hit us out of nowhere. 

No matter how strong we are, life can hit us hard and fast. The ordinary reality of today can appear like a fairy tale after the news of tomorrow, and yet our challenge is to maintain our focus on all the good that we can see and experience. 

And not lose ourselves in the pain and sorrow that befalls all of us, at some time, in some way.

I believe that life is to be lived. Sometimes in spite of all that befalls us and sometimes because of it. Although we can be knocked down, I believe we owe it to everyone who we can influence to get back up, and keep trying. 

We have to be the light for ourselves and everyone around us. 

Because when the dark times come, and they do come, we have to be there to lighten each others’ burdens, and shine our own light into the darkness.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What Do You Think You See

What Do You Think You See.

I hate to break it to you, but there’s no such ‘thing’ as a color. I know that sounds crazy, but what you perceive as color is just photons of light tuned to a certain wavelength. 

That car in the ‘color’ you like – the surface is covered in substance that changes the wavelength of photons from a light source. Those photons impact onto the retina in the back of your eyes and the impulse from that cell is carried through your optic nerve.

Your brain interprets the impulses, and creates the concept of color.

Sound a little nuts – try this one. Those words you think you hear – they’re actually vibrations that occur in the air, and impact your tympanic membrane (ear-drum), which are turned into vibrations that move small hair-like cells in your ear, and then the impulses from those are carried along the vestibulocochlear nerve into your brain.

Where your brain interprets the impulses, and creates the concept of sound.

Are you seeing the pattern here? Everything that you think you see and hear, and feel ,smell and touch, are all interpretations that your brain performs to try to make sense of this crazy universe into which we were born. Most of the time, the brain gets the interpretation correct, and occasionally the interpretation gets kind of messed up.

It’s rare, but it can happen.

But when it comes to the meanings we interpret from the things that we experience, well…those get misinterpreted all the time. If you’ve ever heard two people describing the same accident, it can be almost laughable to see how their stories don’t match up. Their brains interpreted the situation very differently, and in doing so, came up with completely different meanings.

And the meanings we take from life are the things that control our sense of experience.

But by far the biggest cause of misinterpretation comes from our unresolved trauma, and our unmet human needs. 

Have you ever known someone who just seemed to take everything you said as an insult or an attack? That person very likely has a significant deficit in their need for significance and connection, so their brain interprets everything it can as a way to make them a victim (because being a victim requires nothing on their part). 

Also, since you were doing something ‘hurtful’ to them (even though you really weren’t) it helps their need for connection, because when you have a desperate need, you usually start by filling it in a maladaptive way. 

So the two of you are connected, because you noticed them enough to be mean to them. I know it sounds crazy but this really happens.

To them, you really did these things, because a brain that is trying fill desperate needs becomes less and less self aware, until it acts without thinking, following an autopilot program that begins to destroy the very relationships it is trying to preserve and grow. 

The deeper the need, the more it will distort your perception of all that you experience.

All of us interpret reality in our own way. The goal of self awareness and self healing is to remove the barriers to you experiencing the miracle of life just as it is.

So how are you interpreting this?

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Background State of Being

The Background State of Being

It just feels different, sitting here. It’s a weekday morning, and I’ve been blessed with an extra hour before I have to leave. The house is quiet, and I am aware, quite suddenly, that the background state of being for me is one of a gentle waiting, with a side of “getting away with something”. 

As I explore this feeling more deeply, I realize that although the conditions I find myself in are very similar to an early Sunday morning, the emotional background state that I am experiencing is quite different.

And it comes from the voices in my head that tell me what I ‘should’ be doing.

Because somewhere deep in the corner of my mind is a voice that cries out, saying that this is a ‘work day’ and therefore I should be ‘working’. I should be being ‘productive’ and ‘behaving like an adult’. 

Being self-employed means I have some control over my schedule, and yet I seem to be enslaved by the expectations of my subconscious, rather than being able to freely enjoy this gift of an extra hour.

Because “getting away with it” also comes with a side of ‘guilt’.

If this were a Sunday morning, I would be able to enjoy this time without the insistent nagging sensation that I should be ‘doing something’. Instead, I would bask in the joy of a peaceful time of reflection and introspection, made richer in the feeling that it is cold outside, and I am blessed to be inside where it’s warm and dry.

But this workday morning seems to be tainted, and I realize that this ‘background state of being’ is not something I have been aware of until now. 

And yet I realize how deeply these things control me.

There is a huge part of my psyche that can never let me rest, because I am not yet ‘where I am supposed to be’. In my life, in my fitness, in my finances, in my impact upon the lives of those around me. This continual background state of ‘not being enough’ haunts my days, and brings dark dreams in the night.

It never lets me rest.

But when I try to understand where this comes from, I am saddened by the realization that it comes not from my highest aspirations, but from my darkest fears of never being worthy of love, acceptance and kindness. Thus I set for myself impossible things to achieve, all in the subconscious belief that only in achievement will I ever be ‘enough'.

Which I ‘know’ is wrong, but unfortunately it ‘feels’ right.

The disconnect between "knowing' and 'feeling' is for me a signal that I need to go deeper. The understanding of why is rarely the answer, rather it is a signpost along the highway of the next journey through my soul, and a starter pistol that beckons me forward into my subconscious, finding the hidden traumas that created such a controlling belief.

If I would seek peace, then I must become aware. If I would become aware, I must go deeper.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: It Depends Where You Stand

It Depends Where You Stand.

Several years ago, I was going through a very tough time in the office I worked in. While I tried to hide it, patients could see that I was struggling and they would ask “Are you doing ok?”. 

I would hesitate when answering, because the truth was that life seemed to be falling apart, and at the same time coming together. I eventually settled on an answer that I felt was honest.

“Ask me in a year, maybe I’ll know”.

Because at the time, I couldn’t see if I was making the wrong choices, or the right ones. My perspective was amiss, because I was standing in the middle of the storm, where I could see neither the ending nor the beginning. 

When that happens, it’s very easy to lose your bearings and see everything in a way that doesn’t reflect the truth. I was lost in a reality that was confusing, painful and completely out of focus.

And in some ways, I still don’t know the answer.

Now and then we are called upon to make choices that have such a long-term effect on our lives that we’ll never truly know if we made the right choice, or the wrong one. 

Decisions where the outcome is never a solid black or white, but a gray that defies definition down through the years. Instead of a clear understanding of what we should have done, we are left trying to manage the outcome of what may have been a mistake or a blessing in disguise.

So we are left to wonder, and try to figure it out for ourselves.

I think it’s made harder when the outcome isn’t the easiest to define either. A great outcome can make your decision seem like the right one, and a terrible outcome can make it seem like the worst choice you ever made, but at least you know. When the outcome is a mixed bag, it’s so easy to second guess yourself and imagine how a different choice could have resulted in an amazing ending.

But even that is just your imagination, there’s no way to know for sure.

Sometimes, all you can do is acknowledge that you made the decision, learn from it what you can, and move on. That can be really tough, because it requires us to give up our desire for certainty, and accept the messy, crazy, unimaginable and often frustrating nature of the reality in which we reside. I find that the more I can let go of the need to know everything, the easier it is to make choices going forwards.

But easier doesn’t necessarily mean easy, just less hard.

And in the end, that’s just how life works out. There are decisions that are easy, there are decisions that are less than hard, and then there are the ones that tear at your soul, wringing out your heart as you struggle to understand how to move forward in a storm that engulfs you. 

Sometimes all we have are bad choices, but we still have to choose, trying to find the lesser of all evils in the maelstrom of possibility before us.

If you are struggling with a choice today, you have my sympathy. Just know that all you can do is your best, with what you know right now. 

Make the choice that brings you the most peace, and rest in the knowledge of your truth.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Compassion Conundrum

The Compassion Conundrum.

Who do you have compassion for? It’s easy to have compassion for the people you care about. That flows gently and easily from the wellspring of your emotions, wrapping them in a cocoon of caring and kindness. 

You can even have compassion for someone you don’t know, who has fallen upon the hard times of life that threaten to engulf each of us at some time during our journey on this earth.

But what about compassion for someone who has wronged you?

I spent some time today talking to a friend about a situation they are involved in, where someone who they have come to actively dislike is causing them a great deal of stress and pain. In my desire to heal my friend’s suffering, I asked a few questions about the individual who was creating the problem. 

After a few short answers, and extrapolating the information I had received, I presented to my friend a challenge that was very difficult for them.

I asked them to try and find compassion for the person who was hurting them.

At first, my overtures were not well received, and I wasn’t surprised. It’s very hard to have compassion for someone who causes us pain on an ongoing basis, especially when it’s much easier to see that individual as a simple one-dimensional person of hate. 

But slowly over time, my friend’s eyes began to open as I explained the potential motivations behind the actions of the person who was causing the problems.

And how their own extreme pain and sadness was driving them to hurt others, as they desperately tried to meet their own dysfunctional needs born out of painful emotional trauma.

As we talked further, I began to see my friend’s tacit acceptance of what I was saying. I’m not saying it was easy; it certainly wasn’t and my friend didn’t walk away with a sincere desire to reach out and try to help the person who had wronged them. 

But I did see the beginnings of a change of heart, moving away from implacable hatred and resentment to at least a begrudging acknowledgement that maybe the person at fault had their own pain and problems. 

And in that moment I saw a hope that maybe, one day, this problem may find a solution of peace, rather than of judgment.

Because compassion forces us not just to feel for those for whom we care, or don’t know, but also for those who have wronged us in some way. Compassion for our ‘enemies’ is the first step on the pathway that ends in a place called forgiveness, where we give up our needs and our fears in a way that edifies us as a human being, and bestows upon us a blessing of peace and edification.

Because the wages of forgiveness are peace, calmness, benevolence and serenity that stays with us long after the offences are forgotten. 

The pathway to peace is a difficult one, but it begins when we can see a touch of our shared humanity in the eyes of those whom we struggle to love. 

Today, I invite you to choose peace in your heart, though compassion and forgiveness.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: The Journey Begins

The Journey Begins

It starts when you finally make the decision. There are a million different things that get you there, to that point of change, but for most of us it’s a combination of desperation and hope. 

Maybe you’re trying to break through the traumas that hold you back, or maybe you’re trying to find yourself in the midst of so many messages burned into your soul by well meaning but poorly informed people.

It really doesn’t matter how you got there, it just matters that you made the decision.

And you know this journey will change you, as it will hurt you. Growth is like that. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, but some things cost a lot more than the others. But you’ve accepted that. 

You’ve reached that point where you can no longer live where you are, even though you have only the faintest idea of where you want to end up. So you strengthen your soul for the onslaught you anticipate.

And you turn your mind inwards.

In doing so, the outside world becomes less important, less impactful, less relevant. In this travail through the wilderness of your soul, you understand that in search of your authenticity there are sacrifices that will be called forth out of you, some of which will burn your very heart. 

But you know that there is nothing you can do but focus inwards, and journey onwards.

Because at some point, you have to become so concerned about what you ‘could do’, that you give up your interest in what they ‘should do’.

And when they begin to lose their relevance, their control, their place of power in the psyche of your soul, they will not take it lightly or easily. But that’s ok. That’s one of the sacrifices that you’re prepared for; the sacrifice of those who do not accept your independence as a human being, as a consciousness of choice in a universe of change and chance. Those who are threatened by your identity are those who never made room enough for it. Bless them, and let them be.

For yours is a different destination.

Moving beyond your now, you find that a radical self honesty is required to achieve an incredible self awareness. As you push though the stories and sophistries of your self protection, you gain greater insights into the wounds that were never healed, and that created patterns of behavior that still distort your destiny to this day. 

Untreated and unhealed, your pain prevents progression. Yet undaunted, you examine each belief and behavior, accepting the truths and discarding the falsehoods.

Bringing you another step closer to the authenticity of your identity.

As you move closer to a state of self possession of your soul, you find yourself strangely less affected by the thoughts and feelings of others, and discover within yourself a wellspring of kindness and compassion, both for them, and for yourself.

For the soul that is at peace with itself, will find itself at peace with the world.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Being Grateful Before The Lesson Is Over

Being Grateful Before The Lesson Is Over.

Life is a school, but not like any other. It’s often said that in school you learn the material and then are tested, but in life you are tested and then learn the material. And while I agree with that, I think there is also a lesson to be learned ‘in’ the testing, if we are patient, and willing to let go of our ego. 

It’s not easy, and it’s certainly not something I’m even proficient at, but I can say that I am trying to be better at it.

And it’s being grateful for the test, during the test.

Because let’s face it, we’ve all gone through hard times in our lives only to recognize later that the growth and changes we experienced during that trial helped to make us a better person. 

Sometimes we even learned a new skill, or took ourselves to a level of ability that far surpassed anything we were capable of before. But usually the only way to reach those new heights is to endure the pain and agony of the hard times. 

And hard times are not easy.

I can look back at some of the tough times in my life and honestly say that I am grateful for the trial that I endured, but I certainly wasn’t grateful at the time. Compared to some my life has been difficult, compared to many it has been very blessed. 

I try not to compare or judge my life against anyone else’s, because that judgment serves no good for any of us. I think in that way I have progressed, and yet in others, I am still painfully lacking.

Because I struggle to be grateful when I realize that the hard time is a time of growth.

And I realize that I’m still trying to reach that level of spiritual growth, and there are days when it seems I am further away than ever. I get that it’s my ego that’s in play, bemoaning my hardship and feeling that in some way I am being mistreated or denied. 

My only saving grace is that I can honestly say that my times of complaining are less, and while I’m not necessarily at a state of gratitude during the trial, I am able to work through the difficulties with a sense of acceptance.

And right now, I think I will have to be happy with that.

But I look forward to the day, hopefully, when I will have matured enough in my soul that I will be grateful for the test even though I have not yet reaped the benefit of the lesson. I think that requires more faith that I am capable of right now, or maybe it’s just that I haven’t learned to let go of enough things yet. 

I guess I need more lessons, unfortunately.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: Schedule Your Intention

Schedule Your Intention

What is your intention for today? Not your goals, because those can be kind of random, and not your to do list, because that is driven not necessarily by what you want to do, but by what you have to do. 

I mean when you wake in the morning, what do you intend to feel and think for each section of the day? If you’ve read my work, I hope by now you know that I believe in the power of intention.

In fact I am so sure that the power of intention works, that I am starting to schedule my intention each day.

I have a dear friend who awakens each morning with the intention to love everyone she meets that day. As she goes throughout her life, she greets everyone she meets, is always ready with a hug or a kind word, and strives to make everybody feel loved and appreciated. 

Guess what happens?

It works. Sure, sometimes people are taken aback by the pure love and joy that she radiates, but I honestly believe that that’s their issue, not hers. Most people respond with surprise, and then reciprocate. 

Her intention is infectious, and I’ve seen it turn people’s days around as they experience the force of her kindness and warmth. At times, it seems as though the Universe is presenting her with opportunities to love and serve others…

Because that is what she intends to do.

So I’ve started scheduling myself times where my intention is to be more patient. I also scheduled times where my intention is to just accept and serve whoever comes across my path. 

Sometimes, on a particularly challenging day, I will try to schedule myself some time where I avoid any sense of complaining, either in my language or my thoughts. 

I won’t lie and say that that’s easy, because it’s surely not, but as I focus my intention, I find that not only I can make changes to who I am, but the world seems to provide more opportunities for me to practice what my intention is focused on.

Because the universe truly does respond to our intention.

There something powerful about it. It’s more than just a desire, it’s a contract with yourself and your reality that begins with desire, and contains a promise to act and react in a particular way. 

Sometimes our intention focuses on our needs and wants, and sometimes it’s for the service and happiness of others. The more your actions and intentions are in alignment, the greater your ability to manifest what you desire in the world.

Today, I invite you to schedule a time to unleash your intention into the universe. 

Start small, have fun with it, and see how much the world will change around you. :)

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What Were You Born To Do?

What Were You Born To Do?

We all like to think that we have a purpose in life. While we struggle to find a meaning for our existence here on this earth, it’s comforting to have a belief that we are here for a reason, that we’re not just taking up space. 

If we are lucky, through different experiences over time, we arrive at a moment where all of our gifts and history come together in a deep, penetrating sense of purpose that brings not only joy, but a profound sense of alignment in the universe.

And when you find that purpose, you want to follow it wherever it takes you.

Over the last two and a half years, I’ve been trying to find that purpose. In my studying, writing, serving and communicating, I’ve been following not only a sense of why I am here, but a passionately held desire to really make a difference, at a deep and meaningful level. And while I have a good idea of what that looks like, I have to be honest and tell you that it scares me to death as well.

Because it involves facing my greatest fear.

And I guess that makes sense. Our purpose shouldn’t come easy. Something as momentous as the reason for your presence here and now shouldn’t be something so mundane, so simple, so straightforward. 

It should push you to grow, and become not only the best version of yourself, but also the most giving and the most caring. It should also require incredible levels of courage, commitment and clarity.

If you are going to shake the universe to its core, you should probably have your own core shaken.

And that fear often causes us to stay right where we are, frozen in a paralysis of our own thoughts and feelings. Staying still means staying safe, out of harm’s way, avoiding the light and hiding in the shadows. But not moving also means not growing, and even worse, not serving or making a difference. 

And I think you are too special to let that happen.

Because whoever you are, and whatever your gifts, I truly believe that there is something you can do to contribute to this world. Muhammad Ali once said “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth”, but I think it goes further than that. Service is not just rent, but it’s the pathway to the greatest sense of fulfillment and alignment that you will ever achieve.

But in order to feel it, you have to do it.

So today I ask you to serve someone. It may be in a small way, or in a way that pushes you beyond your comfort zone and into the fearful lands of doubt. Whatever, however, whomever, whenever. 

If you seek to serve others, you’ll soon find the gifts you questioned, and the pathway you have been longing for. Once you begin down that pathway, you will find a sense peace and belonging that can never be taken from you.

Once you know your purpose, and you serve it, your life will never be the same.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings