The Background State of Being
It just feels different, sitting here. It’s a weekday morning, and I’ve been blessed with an extra hour before I have to leave. The house is quiet, and I am aware, quite suddenly, that the background state of being for me is one of a gentle waiting, with a side of “getting away with something”.
As I explore this feeling more deeply, I realize that although the conditions I find myself in are very similar to an early Sunday morning, the emotional background state that I am experiencing is quite different.
And it comes from the voices in my head that tell me what I ‘should’ be doing.
Because somewhere deep in the corner of my mind is a voice that cries out, saying that this is a ‘work day’ and therefore I should be ‘working’. I should be being ‘productive’ and ‘behaving like an adult’.
Being self-employed means I have some control over my schedule, and yet I seem to be enslaved by the expectations of my subconscious, rather than being able to freely enjoy this gift of an extra hour.
Because “getting away with it” also comes with a side of ‘guilt’.
If this were a Sunday morning, I would be able to enjoy this time without the insistent nagging sensation that I should be ‘doing something’. Instead, I would bask in the joy of a peaceful time of reflection and introspection, made richer in the feeling that it is cold outside, and I am blessed to be inside where it’s warm and dry.
But this workday morning seems to be tainted, and I realize that this ‘background state of being’ is not something I have been aware of until now.
And yet I realize how deeply these things control me.
There is a huge part of my psyche that can never let me rest, because I am not yet ‘where I am supposed to be’. In my life, in my fitness, in my finances, in my impact upon the lives of those around me. This continual background state of ‘not being enough’ haunts my days, and brings dark dreams in the night.
It never lets me rest.
But when I try to understand where this comes from, I am saddened by the realization that it comes not from my highest aspirations, but from my darkest fears of never being worthy of love, acceptance and kindness. Thus I set for myself impossible things to achieve, all in the subconscious belief that only in achievement will I ever be ‘enough'.
Which I ‘know’ is wrong, but unfortunately it ‘feels’ right.
The disconnect between "knowing' and 'feeling' is for me a signal that I need to go deeper. The understanding of why is rarely the answer, rather it is a signpost along the highway of the next journey through my soul, and a starter pistol that beckons me forward into my subconscious, finding the hidden traumas that created such a controlling belief.
If I would seek peace, then I must become aware. If I would become aware, I must go deeper.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings