The Compassion Conundrum.
Who do you have compassion for? It’s easy to have compassion for the people you care about. That flows gently and easily from the wellspring of your emotions, wrapping them in a cocoon of caring and kindness.
You can even have compassion for someone you don’t know, who has fallen upon the hard times of life that threaten to engulf each of us at some time during our journey on this earth.
But what about compassion for someone who has wronged you?
I spent some time today talking to a friend about a situation they are involved in, where someone who they have come to actively dislike is causing them a great deal of stress and pain. In my desire to heal my friend’s suffering, I asked a few questions about the individual who was creating the problem.
After a few short answers, and extrapolating the information I had received, I presented to my friend a challenge that was very difficult for them.
I asked them to try and find compassion for the person who was hurting them.
At first, my overtures were not well received, and I wasn’t surprised. It’s very hard to have compassion for someone who causes us pain on an ongoing basis, especially when it’s much easier to see that individual as a simple one-dimensional person of hate.
But slowly over time, my friend’s eyes began to open as I explained the potential motivations behind the actions of the person who was causing the problems.
And how their own extreme pain and sadness was driving them to hurt others, as they desperately tried to meet their own dysfunctional needs born out of painful emotional trauma.
As we talked further, I began to see my friend’s tacit acceptance of what I was saying. I’m not saying it was easy; it certainly wasn’t and my friend didn’t walk away with a sincere desire to reach out and try to help the person who had wronged them.
But I did see the beginnings of a change of heart, moving away from implacable hatred and resentment to at least a begrudging acknowledgement that maybe the person at fault had their own pain and problems.
And in that moment I saw a hope that maybe, one day, this problem may find a solution of peace, rather than of judgment.
Because compassion forces us not just to feel for those for whom we care, or don’t know, but also for those who have wronged us in some way. Compassion for our ‘enemies’ is the first step on the pathway that ends in a place called forgiveness, where we give up our needs and our fears in a way that edifies us as a human being, and bestows upon us a blessing of peace and edification.
Because the wages of forgiveness are peace, calmness, benevolence and serenity that stays with us long after the offences are forgotten.
The pathway to peace is a difficult one, but it begins when we can see a touch of our shared humanity in the eyes of those whom we struggle to love.
Today, I invite you to choose peace in your heart, though compassion and forgiveness.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings