Solitary.
As human beings, one of our six human needs is a deep desire for connection. Even those who feel that they are introverts desire some form of connection, although it’s usually more controlled, less intimate, less frequent.
Many of us live with a desire for greater meaning in our relationships, a greater sense of depth and connection, and yet one thing keeps us from finding the authentic friendships that bring us so much growth and joy.
That one thing, is a sense that we are ‘not good enough’.
Out of our fear of the judgment and ridicule of a few, we hide ourselves away from the many who would accept us. In doing so, we actually create an environment that encourages our doubts of self worth.
We judge ourselves by an artificial standard of everyone else’s supposed perfection, and in doing so we elevate those around us, while deprecating ourselves. So we hide away more of ourselves, retreating into a shell of the person we used to be.
And we withdraw from the very thing that can help us.
Because the more we connect with others, the faster we realize that they, like us, struggle. They have their strengths and weaknesses, their confidences and their fears. They have made mistakes, big and small, that have come to define their lives in ways that are eternal. Like us they probably have regrets, and things of which they are ashamed. Like us, they probably keep these things to themselves.
Until they find someone with whom they feel comfortable opening up.
The reason why authentic connection feels so good is because it shines a light into the darkness of doubt in our soul, revealing the lies that we tell ourselves. Sometimes all it takes is a good conversation with an honest friend to realize that we are not so different from those around us.
While it might frighten you at first, the more you open up with someone who you trust, the more you will come to understand a powerful truth.
To be human is to struggle, to have doubts, to have failures, to have regrets, to fear loss, to fear judgment and to be afraid.
But you’re never going to understand that until you reach out, and find those friendships. Until you open up and share what it is inside of you, you’re never going to feel loved and accepted, because you’re always going to fear that there is another level of you that is unacceptable, unworthy and unlovable.
It’s one of those Zen puzzles of life; that to find acceptance you must risk rejection. To find comfort, you will probably need to risk being uncomfortable, and to find joy, you need to be willing to risk sadness.
But when you find the truth of who you are reflected in the relationships you enjoy......
You’ll find the risk was worth it.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings