Morning Reflection #598: The Difference Steps

Do you ever wish your life to be different? To be honest with you, I’ve spent the last 17 years of my life wishing that something pretty fundamental was different.

For the first 11-12 of those years, I had no idea what different looked like, I just knew I wanted things to be other than they were. For many of those I felt hopeless, unable to understand why things felt so wrong, and I couldn’t see a glimpse of what feeling right would look like.

I hope you never been there, because truly, from the bottom of my heart… It sucks.

And yet when I look back at those years, there is one resounding theme that keeps showing up. It manifests slightly differently in each situation, but in the end the equations all come out the same.

Not knowing where I wanted to go, other than “not here” meant that I didn’t know what actions to take to change how I felt.

I didn’t have a vision, and in not having a vision, I didn’t know which way to go.

Then in one half year period, a lot of things changed, and to be honest none of them felt comfortable. I suddenly found myself in a position where I no longer had what I didn’t want, but I didn’t know what I wanted, and I had no idea how I was going to survive in the meantime.

No longer could I do the same old things that weren’t making me happy, but doing something different without knowing what that should be was very difficult.

I really didn’t know what I wanted I didn’t even have an idea of how to find out what I wanted, and pretty much had no place of reference to start.

Looking back on the last sentence, I think I just defined the concept of lost.

Since I had no idea of what I should be doing, I just started doing things that were different. One of those involved jumping out of an aircraft at 13,000 feet strapped to a man I just met, hoping that his parachute was going to be big enough for both of us. I was truly and profoundly scared, yet I learned a valuable lesson that day.

That in the moment of being terrified, I could still hold myself in balance and by pushing through the fear I found a level of peace and comfort I didn’t know I could experience.

Almost 5 years ago I began writing this work that has changed me more than I could ever have imagined. When I started, I really had no idea what I was doing, and to be honest the idea of sharing this work publicly made me really uncomfortable.

I still struggle with the concept that anything I might say may be of value to others, and I had a huge amount of imposter syndrome getting started.

And I still get scared about it sometimes, but not as much, and nowhere near as often.

Because the funny thing about doing different things is that every time you take a large step, you change the person who is doing the stepping. In the years since that experience of being profoundly lost, I’ve learned that the only way to change anything is by doing something different, and the more profoundly scared we are to do it, the greater the outcome will be.

The more we overcome our fear, the more that fear comes back as confidence.

I’ve learned that life rarely changes for the better unless we change it, and that the greatest changes come from only doing things that are truly different.

The person who I was at the time that I felt lost is so different from the person I have become. There have been many experiences that have made me uncomfortable, and some that have completely terrified me.

But each time I pushed through and chose to take the step that was different, things have changed in a way that I could not have expected.

I recently did something that was so out of character for the person I was those few years ago that had you told me I would have done it, I would’ve thought you were crazy.

It’s still a little too overwhelming to share right now, maybe one day, but I will share that I was so scared in doing it that I could barely talk. Yet I can tell you that it was one of the most transformative and profound experiences of my life.

And it would never have happened, if I hadn’t tried something different.

My message for you today is that the only way we truly change our life for the better is by doing something that we haven’t done before. The more it scares you, the better chance that it has to help you.

Sometimes our journey towards peace requires a radical change of direction, and sometimes the hardest things to change are the beliefs that we think have to be “just so”.

My hope for you today is that you can see the changes that will bring you happiness, and that you can find the courage to make them.

Because only by doing something different can you experience life at another level.

May you find direction, courage and peace in your journey.

Today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #597: The Prison of Blame & Shame

About 2 months ago, a man came into my office, sat down, and began to cry. He covered his eyes with his hands, and through trembling breaths, he just wept. He didn’t really say anything for a while, and I felt like the best action was to give him the space to be, rather than answer questions.

So I sat next to him, and gently placed my hand on his back.

He didn’t flinch, so I began gently applying a soft but deep pressure up and down his back, trying to give him some comfort, and let him know that I was present, but that we were on his timetable, not mine.

After several minutes of just sitting there his breathing became more even, and his tears reduced to an occasional trickle. I sat on the floor opposite him, and asked a gentle opening question.

At first he seemed ashamed to be crying, but somehow I managed to create a space where he could feel safe enough to open up and share.

And for the next 30 minutes or so, we had a difficult yet powerful conversation.

I’m not going to go too deeply into what we talked about, but I think it’s enough to say that a situation was occurring within his family that was as unexpected as it was unwelcome, and he felt overwhelmed and unable to see a pathway forwards.

He was worried for the future, and couldn’t see a way forward that didn’t have a painful ending.

All of which was perfectly normal, and human.

Yet in the midst of the conversation, it became clear that a significant portion of his concern was about how the situation would be viewed by family members, and how he would be able to navigate a future in which he was going to feel like a failure, even though he had not caused the problem, and was trying to find a way out of it.

When I pointed this out to him, his tears returned.

It’s not like I haven’t seen this before. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve listened to people tell me their problems, and found out that they are imprisoned in a complex web of blame and shame, unable to separate the situation and its solution from the judgment they fear, both from others and from themselves.

In reality, there was no-one to blame, and no judgment from anyone of importance.

Because the problems that this man and his family were encountering are the very same ones that so many people, pretty much all people, struggle with.

Lifetimes of trauma and trying times create fractures in the emotions of humans, and unless those fractures, or wounds, are properly healed, we walk around this world trying our best, yet sometimes behaving at our worst.

And then we make it worse by feeling shame, and blaming ourselves.

Which just doubles down on the problem, making it harder for us to reach an emotional balance where we can begin to find solutions to our problems. The situation my friend was experiencing has multiple causes, and none of them a result of anyone’s intention.

Yet he felt like it must have been his fault somehow, and was worried about how it would look.

So I did what I have done so many times before, and set about changing his outlook. Using all that I have learned, and speaking from deep within my heart, I outlined the problem he was facing from a different perspective.

I explained the root causes of the events that had created the problem, and explained what I felt were options and avenues for him.

I also helped him realize that no-one was to ‘blame’, and that his fear of judgment was his own response to trauma in his life.

How I did do that… well, to quote from a movie franchise, I have a very particular set of skills, and I've been doing this for people for a long time now. When I wrote a few posts ago about being able to see you, it’s not hyperbole.

People at their core are very much the same, and their problems tend to be very similar.

So when you care deeply enough to understand people, you realize that almost every problem can be broken down to the same core concepts, the same fractured foundations.

Which is what we discussed.

As he left, I knew that I hadn’t changed his situation, but I felt like I had changed his understanding of it. By helping him to see that this wasn’t about blame, or judgment, or opinions or shame, I helped him see through the fog, and to understand his pathways forwards.

However the situation develops, he understands that he has options and abilities, and that he doesn’t have to worry about how everyone else looks at him.

Which is exactly the message I’d like to share with you.

Because I’m guessing if we sat down and talked, you’d probably share that you struggle with the same things. It’s a very human thing, to judge and to fear the judgment of others.

Yet I will tell you that more often than not, the very things with which you blame yourself are responses to situations and circumstances beyond your control.

And eventually, you’d come to understand that blame, shame and judgment are just the refuge of those who cannot love themselves enough to see the humanity and the divinity in others.

May you release yourself from blame and shame today, so that you may see a brighter tomorrow.

And find peace…

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #596: Live from the Scar, Not from the Wound.

I sat for a few minutes yesterday with a dear friend who I respect immensely. She has lived through things that would have broken just about anybody else, and yet through it all she’s managed to retain an incredible amount of goodness and kindness.

She’s one of those people who just seems to take the hits, and come back stronger.

My admiration for her knows no bounds.

During the short time available to us, we spoke about some of the things that are causing her stress and discomfort. She has an assignment within her faith that requires her to be in a position of care and caring over a number of people, and like the person she is, she is giving everything to her assignment. I’m pretty confident no one would work harder, and no one would care more.

But I fear that she is caring too much.

Trust me, I’m not someone to talk with any great integrity on functional boundaries. At 52 years old, I’m still working on that. I have done more than my fair share of sacrificing my quality of life for others, but I can honestly say that I’m getting better at it. I wish I could say the same for my friend, although I fear that I can’t.

Because she cares so much that it’s robbing her of the life that is her own.

She shared with me that she struggles greatly to find a balance with her caring, and much of the time she gives too much, cares too deeply, and it’s affecting how she lives.

Since I’ve known her for many years, and we have had many deep discussions, I felt it was pretty safe to ask her one of those questions that she has come to expect from me.

“Do you have any idea why you can’t stop caring?”

I could already see the tears falling as she shook her head and spoke a quiet “no”. I gave her space to feel, and then I asked her simply “May I make a suggestion”. Through her tears she smiled at me and with a nod of her head gave me a gentle “of course”.

I took a deep breath, because I knew what I was about to share was going to be painful for her, but that she would also hear me and know the intention with which I spoke.

And I said something like this… “Those who are still in pain and are not healed cannot bear to see that pain in others, so they try to heal the world in the hopes that they can heal themselves”.

The moments we shared after that were brief, but I got to see her incredible spirit as she listened, took the words into her heart and nodded briefly. Thankfully she knows me well enough to know that my intention was never to hurt, but to tell her truth that might help her heal.

I honestly think that she is one of the strongest people I know, because I feel that she is carrying so much, and yet still she makes room in her heart for others.

Sometimes I think it’s because that way she doesn’t have to focus on herself.

Healing is always an individual thing, and all of us are on that journey of ours alone. Yes other people can help, but there is no real substitute for sitting down, and allowing yourself to actually feel what you feel. I’ve been working on that more lately, and honestly that pretty much sucks sometimes.

But the truth is this… the emotions we refuse to feel are the things that will stop us from being able to heal.

Read that again for me. I need you to understand it. We all carry a burden, and no matter how large or how small, that burden is ours. We are the ones that have to deal with it, or we can just carry it around for as long as we want.

But every day we carry that which is unnecessary is a day that we don’t experience life at its fullest.

And life will never be as good as it could be if you are still wounded by pain from your past.

The more you heal, the more you can find a balance between what you owe to others and what you owe to yourself. The less you need emotionally, the more you are able to give to others.

We all experience trauma, we are all wounded at some point, but not all of us have done the work to clean the wound and allow the scar to heal over, so that we can stop bleeding and start living.

And I promise you, you will never do a more important work than working on yourself.

I sincerely hope that my friend will be able to give the same loving kindness to herself that she would give to everybody else. I hope that someday soon she will be able to rest, and spend some of her precious time helping herself to heal, so that she might find a better balance.

She is someone who has so much to give, so much love to share, but until she learns to balance that love with a love for herself, I fear she will always find life draining.

And she deserves so much better than that.

May she, and you, find peace today,

And Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #595: Eternal

In a rented beach house on the coast of northern Oregon, I find myself face to face with the enormity of the Pacific Ocean.

Standing here on the deck, looking out over the waves, I see into nothingness. The relentless sound of the water crashing into the sand reassures me that time is as it has always been, and that long after I have slipped the bonds of this life, there will still be an ocean, still be the waves.

For in the span of my life, this ocean is eternal.

And yet, in the course of the universe in which we currently play, even the timeline of this ocean is less than forever. I am reminded that this ball of rock to which we cling had its beginning, and will yet see an end. In the course of events that govern the rise and fall of realities, even the life of a mere planet is a plaything of some small consequence.

What was before, and what will be after – no-one truly knows.

In this moment, as I smell the salt in the air, and feel the increased moisture gently blown onto my skin, hearing the pulse of the earth expressed in a movement of water reminds me that the only time I am promised is this one, right now.

Tomorrow is a possibility, and yesterday only a memory. If I free myself from the concept of time, and drift in the now, I can find the hints and prospects of a potential eternity whispering to my soul.

It seems that the only way to truly experience eternity is to let it slip between our fingers in favor of a powerful and ever present now.

Yet I am mindful that I cannot always ignore the future, and since I have lived the past, it must have some value, some meaning. Since they must always be a part of me, I seek instead to find a balance, knowing that all things exist to teach me wisdom, if I am willing to learn from them, and that some stories repeat over and over until I have finally understood the lesson.

That I may live my life how I wish, but I may not exchange the consequences of that living.

And the greatest responsibility I have in the use of my time is solely to myself. In the end, how I choose to invest my moments will impact me more than anyone else. Some I may spend in quiet introspection, with others I may choose wild abandon.

Yet there is no way that I can retrieve either from the past, and neither can I subtract the outcome of those moments from my future.

Time is interconnected, and linear only unto now.

So your choice right now, today, tomorrow and in whatever future is unveiled unto you, is to spend your time in the way that seems best. Your gift, your blessing, and possibly your curse is that your life is yours.

While it can be impacted and shaped by others, in the end, only you can live your life here and now. It seems that we cannot outsource the responsibility for our own eventuality.

So how should you choose?

If I might offer one suggestion, it would simply be this… that you order your time and your life in such a way that you need as little as possible in each moment to find peace and happiness. Whether that means freeing your mind from the shackles of imagined wants and desires, or training your body in such a way that you can enjoy each moment in as much health as is available to you.

Because the moment that needs nothing else is a pathway into a life of eternity.

The art of the expenditure of time is the balance of yesterday, today and tomorrow with the ever-present and eternal now, such that you may find as much peace and joy as may be taken from any moment.

That the birthright of any human, any consciousness, should be so, is my wish.

Today, and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #594: How Do You Find You?

It’s a crazy world we’re living in, and it’s really easy to get lost in it.

From the 24 hour news cycle to the constant bombardment of social media, we’ve become a population with unfathomable information at our fingertips, yet so much of what we take in from our screens and our headphones is trying to convince us that we need to be that which are not.

In the midst of all the noise, we often lose the art of listening to ourselves.

From the moment we’re born, the world has a role for us, and an idea of what we should be. Depending on where you live, and the circumstances you are born into, you may have a life all mapped out for you before you are able to stand. From whom you will marry to what you will do for work; from the clothes you will wear to the foods you consume.

The culture we are born into can sometimes be a prison to our souls.

And yet as children we go along with this, because we know nothing else. We hope that the adults around us have our best interests at heart, and we try to fit in, because standing out as a child often leads to ridicule and pain. So we like the things we are taught to like, and we do the things we are taught to do.

Yet rarely are we asked if these things resonate with us, and truly feed our souls.

The conformity that we are taught as children, often with the best of intentions, usually comes at the price of our individuality and the freedom we so desperately need.

If we are truly honest with ourselves, I don’t think there is a single one of us who is born into a situation that perfectly fitted our own wants and desires.

Probably because we had no idea what they really were.

And sure, those change over time, but as kids we are expected to find joy in the things that everybody does, and for some of us, (especially if you’re the kind of person who reads this work) the everyday things just don’t fill our souls. Were looking for something deeper, something more meaningful, something that has purpose and value and a little bit of magic.

And when we discover it, we realize we’ve been looking for it all along.

You’ll know it when you find it, because it stirs something deep and abiding within you. Since we’re friends, I’ll share with you that in the early days of writing this work, I had somebody reach out and tell me that had she read what I had posted that day a year or so beforehand, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself.

I still remember how it felt to read that comment, and the mixture of emotions that followed.

My deep sadness that she had ever felt that way, and my immense gratitude that in some way I had been able to make a small difference.

In the days that followed, more people left comments that they had been helped, and what began essentially as a project to try and express some of my own feelings turned into a pathway of meaning and service, and eventually to me finding one of the truths of my soul... that I exist to serve, and that the joy and deep meaning that I find from doing this work are some of the things that make life worth living.

And I came to understand that we find ourselves by doing, and seeing how we feel about it.

Which is not what we’re taught as children. I’m guessing nobody set you down when you were five years old and asked you to really search your feelings and see how you felt about everything.

In my experience, children are rarely taught to truly think and feel for themselves, and I think that’s where we go wrong as a society and as people.

Because you have a right to experience your life in a way that brings you meaning. Not because of someone else’s beliefs, or the dogma of their own devotion, but to truly find out what resonates with your soul and to pursue that as long as hard as you want to.

I truly believe that people who have found their own truth and are living it are the peacemakers of the world, for they do not require others to behave in a way that suits them, rather they desire everybody to live in a way that truly fills their soul.

If you found what works for you, I am so glad and encourage you to live every day chasing after that which helps you find yourself.

If you haven’t, I hope you haven’t stopped looking at. Sometimes it takes a while to truly discover who you are, but once you get there, I believe you will feel that the journey was worth it.

May you find yourself every day, and may you live your truth more deeply, and more profoundly.

That we may all find ourselves and find peace together.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #593: A Warm Soft Light into Darkness

If you are like me, you probably have some parts of your soul that you tend to shy away from.

Maybe it’s because it’s a dark area of your past that contains a pain that you’d like to forget, or maybe it’s a component of your character that you wish was somehow different. Maybe it’s something that you did a long time ago that you would give everything you have now to go back and change.

Please hear this: darkness doesn’t make you horrible, it just makes you human.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to go deep and see inside of that which you’d rather avoid, especially if your past contains the kind of demons and nightmares that can inhibit our days and inhabit our nights.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop being amazed at the bravery and tenacity of some of the people who I've been privileged to help along the way through this work.

The courage of people in the face of the difficulties of life just leaves me speechless.

I wish you and I could sit down and talk for a day. Maybe on a quiet beach, feeling the warmth from a campfire, watching as the flames light the coming evening, or maybe sitting by a stream in the mountains, listening to the water as it flows down towards the distant but inevitable sea. Wherever we sat together, I would love to listen to you as you speak the truths of your soul.

To sit in your presence, and learn from your wisdom.

Which may sound funny, but I honestly believe that everybody has wisdom to share. Sometimes our situations may be different, but in the end most of the problems we face are relatively the same.

Relationships that aren’t the way we expected them to be; circumstances that didn’t quite turn out the way that we thought they should.

While the details may differ, in the end we all want the same things.

Yet sometimes finding someone with whom you can explore your soul is difficult. I had an experience recently where a woman I was talking to felt safe enough to unburden herself some of the deepest and darkest aspects of what she thought were flaws in her character.

I could tell the struggle she was going through to express in words what she felt was some of her deepest shame.

Yet when she explained it to me, I saw nothing other than a normal human emotion.

And a lot of the time that’s what we really need. We just need to talk to somebody who feels safe, about the things that we really feel. I’ve said time and again that feelings are not good or bad, they merely are.

Once we remove judgment, we can go about the work of taking them apart, finding what went wrong and seeing if we can put it right.

Sometimes, life is about being with someone you trust as you look into the darkness.

Which is where courage comes in. Because sometimes the things we feel are so painful and so difficult that merely talking about them breaks our hearts and brings us to tears.

Sometimes we need someone who can reflect back are words with a slight change in emphasis to help us see where we thought our darkness was horrible, and it turns out to be human.

One soft light in the darkness changes it from absolute into something that we can work with.

And the funny thing is, as I learned recently, most of the time our darkness really isn’t something to be afraid of. Sure it might hurt coming out, and it might require good friends and talented guides to help us navigate, but in the end on the other side of darkness is peace and understanding. We just have to find our way there.

And I hope in some small way, this work is a light to you, helping you forwards towards your own piece.

May you find wisdom and peace today.

And always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 592: The Other Side of the Mirror

Who do you see when you stand face to face with yourself in the mirror? I ask this question because the answer to it is more important than almost any other answer that you give me.

Some of you will hesitate to answer, and some of you will share forth an answer without an ounce of hesitation. Yet in the midst of all of the different things that would be said, there’s pretty much always going to be one constant.

You’re going to lie to me.

I don’t mean to question your integrity, far from it. It’s just that the reflection you see of yourself in the mirror is usually made of what you actually see, and then what you feel about what you see.

Chances are that as your brain decodes the information in the light bouncing off the reflective surface, you’re going to incorporate a meaning to everything in front of you.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and I will say that a reflection can contain a thousand lies.

None of us are immune, far from it. As I look at my face in the mirror, I see way more white in my beard than I’m comfortable with, and the other day I finally found my first gray hair. I see the scars of an accident that required world class plastic surgery to put me back together, and I see tiredness in my eyes as the wrinkles on the side are starting to show.

All of that is essentially true, and yet, if I stop there, I fall prey to the lies I would warn you of.

For in that reflection also is a son and a brother, a husband and a father. There’s a brother in law, a son in law, an uncle and a friend. There’s also a writer, a Doctor, a healer and a coach. There’s a man who has been so scared that he cried, and a man who crossed a world for the woman he loves. There may even be, one day, a pilot and a man who is happy with who he managed to become.

In every reflection of me, there’s some many truths that I somehow fail to see.

My guess is that the same applies to you. Depending on how much work you’ve put into your soul, you may have so many things about your reflection that you don’t like, and possibly some that you do.

There may be things you see that are not so, and things that are there that you don’t want to see. We all struggle to see the truth of ourselves sometimes, and the more we tell ourselves, the less is likely to be true.

Because the person in the mirror is just who you need to be – simply you.

And I get there might be things you want to change, I think we all have those. Yet the sum total of your reflection from the mirror is simply an image of the miraculous person you are, and always have been. Your physical appearance is not important, and your age, race and color are irrelevant. In the end, all that matters is one simple metric as you look deep into the glass that claims to reveal all…

The truth of your reflection is a reflection of how well you know yourself.

Because chances are, if you’ve spent time doing the work, you’ll be less worried about what you see, and far more concerned with who is there. You’ll know that appearances are fleeting, and yet the beauty of a kind compassionate soul is eternal, and beyond compare. If you’ve gone deep enough, and really seen into that totality of who you are, the mirror is nothing more than a gateway.

And that the person on the other side of the mirror is your friend.

One who you laugh with and cry with; care for and care about. When the person on the other side of the mirror is someone you know well, you’ll forgive them their faults, and celebrate their wins. You’ll understand their strengths, and you’ll know that travails of their soul.

And the light that shines from their eyes will be the beacon that lights your soul.

May you find peace in your reflection, and joy on the other side of the mirror.

And may it be this way.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #591: As I Stand in the Sacred Human Presence

On the wall of my office at home, I have a powerful quote that I took from the Facebook page of someone who’s name escapes me.

I can’t remember why I was following him, and other than this one particular quote, I don’t think he ever said or posted anything that I found particularly valuable or insightful. Yet I wish I could remember who he was, and thank him from the bottom of my heart.

Because that one post has made such a difference to my life.

He was a younger guy, and had been very successful in business, and yet at an age where most people would be trying to make more money and save for the future, he was instead selling his whole business to his partners because he had discovered a truth. The truth was found, as it so often is, after a very deep and profound question.

Which went something like this…

“If I looked back and reflected, and if this was my life’s work, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? Would I feel like the work I did had deep meaning and purpose, and would matter years from now?”

I marveled that someone so young (I think he was in his late 20’s) could have so much wisdom, and so much courage, that he would give up something that he had worked so hard to build, so that he could go and do something that felt to him more meaningful. And yet as I sit here, writing the pieces of whatever this work is becoming, I can understand exactly why he did what he did.

Because in the end, doing something that you feel is meaningful is the greatest work you will ever do.

As I close in on 600 individual pieces of this journey, I marvel at the fact that so many of you have been kind enough to share your thoughts about how this work has touched you, and helped you. I won’t lie and say that this is easy, or that I know exactly what I’m doing (spoiler alert – I really don’t yet), and yet I do it because this is how I find meaning.

Because you mean so much to me.

Chances are I don’t know you personally, and yet to me, you are sacred. I've lived long enough, and seen more than enough, to know that the only truly sacred thing on this earth is the consciousness inside of each of you. Human beings are the most profound, frustrating, wonderful, challenging and ultimately divine beings I have ever seen.

And to have the chance to connect with any one of you is a joy, a privilege and a blessing.

I once heard the Indian greeting of ‘Namaste’ described as ‘the light in me bows to the light in you’, and the older (and hopefully wiser) that I get, the more I come to understand that interpretation. One of my favorite quotes from all of literature is the simplest declaration of the sacredness of every person on this planet. “Sin is when you start to treat people as objects”.

How I wish you could see you as I see you.

I get that you may feel broken, or a failure, or not good enough. I’ve been there, and still struggle not to stay there sometimes. But the truth that I have come to understand is that to stand in the presence of anyone is to be in the presence of the divine.

Whatever you feel like you have done, or said, please, please, please know that you are sacred.

A person who was touched by this work and a conversation we had about 3 years ago, reached out recently to thank me. She told me that the knowledge that I believed in her had carried her through some dark times, and that she had found a way through her darkness and was doing better than she had ever done. She thanked me, and yet I don’t think she understands how deeply I want to thank her.

Because in allowing me to help her in some small way, she showed me my path to find meaning.

Whoever you are, reading this work, I want you to know that you have my respect, my admiration and my belief. As a person you might have flaws, but as a human being you are sacred.

And you are very special to me.

May you find peace and joy on your journey.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #590: Drowning in a Room Full of Air.

Have you ever felt lost… not just in the geographical ‘where the hell am I’ sense, but in the deeper more profound ‘what am I doing with my life’ kind of way? After all, life really doesn’t come with a great deal of instructions.

Sure, there are people who will tell you how you should live your life, but in my experience they’re just people trying to follow what they’ve been taught, and they can’t handle the fact that you may find peace and happiness outside of what they understand.

Because make no mistake, peace and happiness is what we are all after.

But we’ve been fed so many lies about what it takes to find it, that many people are living with this existential dread that they are somehow ‘living life wrong’. They’re doing everything that they’ve been told should bring happiness, and yet in the deepest darkest corners of their souls, they know that they’re not happy, and they are not at peace. And they often have no idea of how to handle that.

Because they’ve been fed dogma and discipleship rather than wisdom and kindness.

I have a good friend who has a 21 year old daughter who is ‘struggling’, and can’t seem to find her path. I can see the frustration on the face of my friend as he desperately wants to help his daughter find her way in life, and yet I can tell you that this young woman is never going to find the answer that her father is looking for.

Because what she needs is not a pathway to find her peace in the future, but a way to heal the wounds and sadness she has from her past.

For this young woman, the concepts of a fulfilling job or career in the future is just not going to excite her. Sure she has many options open to her, but none of them will actually solve the problem that she has right now. As she struggles to heal from the trauma that occurred in her life a few years ago, she is seeking not success, or financial security, or a sense of accomplishment that comes with a college degree.

At a deep, emotional and honestly fairly subliminal level, this young woman is trying to find a way to emotionally breathe.

And none of the options being presented to her by life are helping, because she doesn’t even understand what the problem is. She’s being fed the same story by her family and her friends, that she needs to get a good job, because apparently security will solve her problems (which it won’t), and that at the tender young age of 21 she needs to have it all figured out.

Like who actually knows what they are born to be when they are 21 – I was 48 when I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

This young woman is being denied what she really needs, because the people around her either can’t or won’t recognize the problem that she’s really suffering from. I don’t think they are doing this intentionally with a full knowledge of what is going on, it’s just that they have been fed the same stories over and over until they don’t think about anything anymore.

The unexamined ‘truth’ is often more dangerous than the well meaning lie.

I titled this piece very specifically, because most of us are metaphorically drowning in a room full of air. Not because we need oxygen, but because what is in great supply around us is rarely what we really need. Instead of judgment and derision, we need the skills and the space (and sadly often the permission) to explore who we really are, and to find a way live authentically with what we really feel.

And most of all, we need people who can help us find a way to our own emotional home.

I’ve been very lucky in my life to have found a few people who have really planted their feet firmly on their own path. You’ll know they when you meet them, because they stand out through their kindness and their willingness to accept you exactly where and how you are, rather than judging you for who they believe you are not.

Because we all need the space to discover and find a way to live with who we are.

And that happens best with opportunities rather than instructions, and kindness rather than shame.

If you’re feeling lost, may I most humbly suggest that it may be because you haven’t spent enough time just listening to yourself. It’s a funny truth, but most of us can find our own way in the world when we learn to listen to, and make peace with, the very deepest voices in our souls.

May you find your own peace, and share it with this world that so desperately needs peacemakers, and those whose first instinct is kindness rather than fear.

I wish peace and wisdom for you today and every day.

And Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #589: Wiping clean the windshield of your soul.

As we pulled out of our driveway and turned our car to the east, we were greeted with a beautiful sunrise, as the sun struggled its way over the hills on the other side of the city.

Reds and golds cascaded over the sky, bouncing off the early weekday clouds, and filling the morning with such a beautiful feeling of transcendent peace.

Except I could see very little of it.

Because that morning we were taking our ‘back-up’ car, which is my old and beloved Buick. It doesn’t look like much, but I’ve driven that car for many, many miles, and like an old sweater or a rumpled jacket in the midst of the cold of fall, sometimes just driving that car is a comforting pleasure. But since I don’t drive it every day, there are times where it just sits under a tree for a while, accumulating dust and grime.

Especially, and this is the important part for today, right over the windshield.

So as the morning broke over the foothills, all of a sudden my view was blocked as the sunlight bounced off not only the detritus of nature on the outside of the car, but also on the buildup of condensation and assorted moisture that we as humans exhale, and which somehow ends up inexplicably pasted onto the inside of the windshield of our cars.

And so we did that funny little dance of desperately turning on the windshield wipers while trying to find something with which to wipe the inside of the windshield enough that I could drive safely.

I’m sure you’ve experienced this once or twice in your life – that sudden moment of not being able to see anything as the world in front of you gets blocked by too much light, and not enough clarity. Maybe it’s been inside of your car or with dirty sunglasses, but maybe it’s been because of the fallout of the all the things that have happened in your life that have clung to your soul, obscuring the way that you see and feel this marvelous world into which we are born.

If you don’t feel like that last sentence applies to you, chances are you are exactly the person who needed to read this post today.

Because we all have things in our past that have carved their passing on our souls, and yet most of the time we don’t realize it. I recently had to have the same discussion with two different coaching clients, both of whom were determined to argue their point that a certain thing in their childhood (and in one case their entire childhood) had NOT had any trauma in it.

It’s times like these where I get to be the bearer of both bad and good news.

Because it’s a hard thing to accept that something in our past is blocking our way into the future, and sometimes it’s an even harder truth to accept that we can learn to let that go, and see the world differently. Very often the scars that we hold onto deep in our souls have been there so long that they feel like they are a ‘part of us’, and letting go of them feels like tearing off a piece of who we are.

And yet the tighter we cling to them, the more we will find our view of the world, and our experience in it, colored and covered, so that our days are clouded when they could be full of light.

I once heard it said that life after 20 was more about the unlearning of things that you thought than the learning of new things, and I have found that to be true. It’s almost like you spend the first two decades of your life covering up that childlike wonder with which you used to view the world, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to find it again.

Because sometimes children see the world so much clearer than we do.

So if you are one of those people who struggles to see life clearly sometimes because of the streak and smears on your soul, please know that there are ways to find a pathway to seeing clearer. If you struggle to find joy in your day, I am here to tell you that there is a pathway forwards for you. I’m not going to tell you that it is easy, but I am going to plead with you to believe me that it is worth it.

In my own life, I have had to go through, and am still going through, the process of wiping away old beliefs and behaviors so that I might find a greater joy, and a greater understanding, of this life which I have been given. The process is not easy, but over the years I have found my way into moments of love, light, laughter and living that have changed what was once the burden of living into a wellspring of wonder and love.

Your path is out there my friend, and whether you are just starting to walk it, or have been on it for many years, please know that I am here for you.

Helping in whatever way I can.

So that we may all find our way to wisdom, love and light.

And peace.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #588: I See You

There was this girl called Helen who I had a huge crush on when I was a kid.

I usually change the names of people who I write about in this work, but she’s many years gone and in a completely different continent, so I can use her real name with a fair degree of confidence that she’ll never see this.

I thought she was amazing, which she was, and would have given just about anything to have dated her.

Spoiler alert – she didn’t feel the same way about me.

But we did have a lot of conversations since we were in the same class at school, so along with thinking she was absolutely beautiful (which she was), I got find out just how wonderful her mind was (and it was). Yet one conversation sticks out, 35 years and thousands of miles later. She made one comment that at the time I hated, and yet now I am so grateful that she told me the truth.

“When you look at me, it feels like you are looking right through me”.

At the time, I felt like that was a terrible thing, and for many years I struggled with actually making eye contact with people for the fear that I was ‘staring right through them’. I’m sure that made me seem like I was aloof and kind of unfriendly towards people, which wasn’t my intention. It never struck me until years later that maybe, just maybe, Helen meant something a little different…

“When you look at me, it’s like you can see the real me”.

Believe me, it’s a blessing and a curse, this gift I have for understanding people. I hate how I can read someone’s history in an inflection, and see the pain in their soul when they glance away with a sad expression on their face. Sometimes it feels so invasive, and yet, it’s become the blessing that has allowed me to help people through their darkest feelings and find a light where there was only darkness.

And as much as I wish I could turn it off sometimes, there’s not a day that would wish to be without it.

Because if you could see people like I see people, I think you’d agree that humans beings are the most remarkable things. They’re caught between light and darkness, chaos and calm, and so many of them choose to be good. When faced with situations that would scare any rational creature to death, people show up with love, and kindness, and compassion.

They give of themselves in a way that leaves me breathless.

I have seen fathers full of fear and uncertainty reach down into their souls and comfort their child. I have seen mothers who are afraid of the responsibility find courage in the face of so much pressure, and find a way to come through in the moments where failure truly was not an option. I've seen humans of all walks of life show up in ways that overwhelm my soul.

You beautiful, beautiful people.

For all the death, chaos and sadness in the world, please believe me when I tell you that there is so much more good than bad in this world. So much of our civilization is only possible because of the incredible goodness that is present in the human spirit. There is so much light in the world because of people like you.

‘But wait’ you think… how does he know me?

And the truth is, I might not, but I know who you are. If you are someone reading this work… especially if you’ve been here for a while, then I know you, because I write these words for a very specific person. The type of person who is introspective, and willing to go deeper to understand their soul. The type of person who tries their best to be good, even when the world treats them in a way that is not.

But let me take it one level deeper.

Chances are that even now, or at some recent point in your life, you are or were the kind of person who would have told me that I was wrong when I said you were a good person, and would have tried to deflect some of my intention when I told you that I stand in awe of you (which I do). You might even have told me about someone who you thought was really the kind of person I was describing.

But I have this gift you see – it’s the ability to see people.

If this work resonates with you, then I know you. I know that you are aware of your faults and your failings, and you probably struggle sometimes to think good thoughts about yourself. I know that you are overwhelmed sometimes, and yet you get up each day trying to do your best.

So please understand me when I tell you this, because I mean it with every intention of my heart.

I see you, I know you, and you are good.

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of kindness, and you are worthy of loving yourself.

And if you think I’m wrong, I’m not. Trust me. I’m very, very good at this.

And I see you.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection] #587: The Archipelago Principle

Do you wanna know what the secret of life is? Do you… really? Because it’s really not a secret at all, but a truth that people try to avoid. It’s not some profound piece of knowledge, or some difficult to understand zen parable that can be interpreted many different ways.

It’s a cold, hard and logical reality that can have you running in fear, or it can set you on a path to a life greater than you’ve ever imagined.

The secret truth is simply this – you are alone.

Even in a room full of people, a stadium full of thousands or a country full to the brim with other human beings, your consciousness only has itself to be with.

Sure we can interact with others, and communicate with them in a way that makes us feel heard, or seen, but in the end, you’ll never experience someone else’s consciousness at the level that you experience your own.

You are an island of consciousness in the midst of billions of other islands – a single speck in a vast immeasurable Human Archipelago.

Which means that you really ought to get to know who you really are, and figure out what makes you happy. Because the whole purpose of life is that you get to experience it – life. You are here, now, with opportunities and overwhelm, possibilities and problems.

The more it takes to make you happy, the more time you’ll spend trying to make yourself happy, and the greater probability that you’ll be less than happy when things don’t line up just the right way.

Here’s one of the real secrets of life – the person who is happy with the least is the person who is happy the most.

And this applies to everything. The parent who is happy within themselves can allow their child to be truly themselves, because the parent needs nothing from the child. The person who has found balance within themselves is able to hold space for their partner to be authentically whoever they are, because they need nothing from the relationship.

Understand this clearly, the difference between want and need in a relationship is the difference between a paradise and a prison.

The human who has found a balanced peace within themselves is the person who is least affected by the chaos and calamity that makes up a lot of our experience in this universe.

So if you truly want to be happy, you’re gonna have to spend a lot of time within yourself. So many of us live this life never getting beyond the very basic existence of feelings, where we never question who we are, and we run around at the mercy of circumstances and chaos.

Living in a world of sensation and reaction, they seek endlessly for anything to escape the fear that they feel when they realize that they are alone.

And that they cannot live with themselves.

Then there are those who realize the truth of the archipelago, and do the work. They spend their time focused inwards, learning, understanding, healing and balancing. To the outside world they seem different, and yet in their inner world they are weaving a landscape of wisdom, kindness and strength.

When you fully accept that your consciousness is the only one you’ll ever experience, you’ll start doing the work so that your experience of consciousness is something better than it has ever been.

To paraphrase Eminem: you get one shot, and one opportunity.

Because in the end, no one else can do the work for you. Yes there are those of us out here who are guides and helpers, who can show you a path and help you see the way forwards, but you are the only one who can walk it, the only one who can deal with your own burdens. The longer you put off doing the work, the more of your life that you are wasting at the mercy of everything else.

Because once you get deep with your own soul, your whole experience of the universe will change.

Once you’re good with you, the rest of the world has less control over you. Once you’ve made peace with who you really are, then the more you are able to spread peace in the world.

The less you need in any experience, the more you are able to accept every experience for what it truly is.

This life is yours, and yours alone.

May you find peace and joy, wisdom, love and light.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #586: Oxygen Mask Theory

A while ago my wife and I were on a plane back into our home town of Boise, when the pilot came on with one of those announcements that you hear about, but never want to hear yourself. He told us that he had declared an emergency and that when we landed, we would have fire trucks and ambulances chasing us down the runway.

Apparently this was all out of ‘an abundance of caution’, and he didn’t think there was anything really wrong.

Yeah – and of course we all believed him completely, and sat there without concern.

Not. Since we had declared an emergency, we also got a direct line into Boise, with none of those twists and turns like usual. That brought us straight down through a couple of clouds and we got hit with turbulence like I’ve never felt before. Drinks in the back were spilling, people were freaking out, and I grabbed my phone and I messaged both of our kids telling them that I love them.

Good times.

My brain immediately went to work, realizing that we might have to exit the plane down those slides that look like so much fun that you never want to try it. I took items from the backpack that I might have to leave on the plane, putting them into my pockets in the event that the plane went up in a ball of flame.

And then I sat there with everybody else, knowing that we were in the hands of fate and the skill and wisdom of the two pilots up front.

For some reason my brain kept jumping back to the safety briefing that no-one really listens to, where they talk about putting on your mask first, and then helping others with theirs. I realized that I had essentially prepared myself, and was ready to help my wife and anyone else around us in whatever way I could.

I honestly have no idea what that was, because let’s face it, I’ve never slid down one of those slides before, but I was ready to help in whatever way I could.

The landing was great, the plane functioned perfectly, and as we taxied into the gate, everyone let out a collective sigh of relief as we all came to realization that things were going to be fine. Some people cried, some laughed. Some just held hands, some people didn’t seem like they’d even had a care in the world. Maybe they hadn’t, or maybe they had, but were just too cool to show it.

Who knows.

But as we drove home that evening, I realized that the lesson that they taught us in the briefing was really one that I had not been paying attention to, even though I've taught it to people so many times in coaching and teaching. On the plane I had taken care of myself, and then prepared to help others, and yet in my normal life, I have had a tendency to sacrifice my own needs in the service of others.

Which sounds really noble, and yet it was coming from a place where I felt I wasn’t worth being taken care of.

And yet I had an experience recently that was so profound that it will be a while before I share it, but that taught me that I was worthy of being taken care of, and that I had value in and of myself. And I realized that sacrificing your own humanity for others is not a sign of nobility or goodness, but it’s actually a sign of a fundamental separation from yourself.

And that wisdom is the understanding and the application of balance between yourself and the rest of the universe.

Because far too many of us spend our days believing that we are not enough, and that we have some terrible flaw that means that others deserve more than we do. I think it’s one of the fundamental problems of humanity that we haven’t yet worked our way through yet, and causes so much pain, so much sadness. So many people need to know who they really are.

And that they are worthy of love and joy.

So today, this is me teaching you what I call oxygen mask theory. That you are worthy of your own concern, and that you have a right to find peace, joy and happiness on your terms. And the funny thing is… when you’ve got yourself worked out and have found happiness, you’ll want to share it with others.

That’s how we change the world, one heart and one human at a time.

Wisdom, love and light.

Always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #585: Storybound

It’s the first thing I’m going to try to discover when working with you. It’s often buried below a lifetime of shame backed up by a burning desire to never let me know.

How fast we get to it determines how fast we will make your changes together. It can be your blessing and your curse, and it often sits so far down in your mind that you’re not even aware of how much it controls you.

Tell me the story of you.

How deep I have to take you to get to the truth is an equation of how ashamed you are of it, and how little you understand it, and honestly I’m not sure which of these is worse. Those who truly understand their story but are ashamed of it will run from the truth, but at least they know it. Those who are unaware don’t necessarily have shame around it, but they are often completely oblivious to how much it controls them.

Neither of these are a great way to live.

The story of you that you live could be something incredible, but most of the time it’s not. Depending on where and when you grew up, your story might have been forced on you by well meaning others, or the product of circumstances that were beyond your control and your years. It can define you in the ways that you doubt, defy, demure and dissemble.

If you don’t change that story, if will define every moment of your life until the grave. People get so locked into their stories that they live their lives by the things they have been told, rather than change what it is that they believe without question.

The more you understand and can accept your story without judgment, the faster we can get you the transformation you’re looking for. But be under no illusion, you’ll find that owning your story is likely to hurt in the short term, and it’s not for the faint of heart. You’ll have to dance with your demons, say hello to your heartaches, and bid a fond farewell to your victimhood.

And it will force you to accept others as you come to accept yourself.

Because redefining your story is as much about forgiving yourself for your failures as it is about calling yourself to task for what you do have and what you can do. The more of your story that you let go, the easier your life becomes as your choices expand, and your compassion compounds. For some it takes time, and for others it can occur in the space of a heartbeat.

Whenever it occurs, it can change how you experience life.

Because unless you have done the deep work, and taken control of your story, I can guarantee that it’s controlling you. Maybe you tell yourself you’re a victim, which changes every interaction you have with others, or maybe you tell yourself that you are poor, which affects how you handle your money. Maybe you are ashamed of who you are, which leads you hide away from everyone who could be your friend.

Any of that sound familiar? I hope not, but I’m guessing if we dig deep enough, we’ll find it.

And that’s ok. Having a story that holds you back doesn’t say anything about you other than you are human, and your journey is still ongoing. Probably one of the greatest outcomes of owning your own story is that you’ll truly come to understand how little of a story you need to be at peace with yourself.

Once you know yourself, have made peace with yourself and have given yourself the gift of your own story, you’ll find a different you looking back in the mirror. Someone who you can live with, and be at peace with.

If I could ask of you one thing today, I would ask you to begin to understand your story. You don’t have to share it with anybody, and you don’t have to try and change it.

Just start with knowing who you are, and the story you tell yourself about yourself.

And then ask yourself how much of that is really true.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #584: What You Are If You Are Not

What if I told you that letting go was the fastest way to gain. What if I told you that that which you hold is often that which holds you back.

What if you could unlearn all that you have learned that is not so. What if you could awaken tomorrow morning knowing that up until now you only slept in your life.

What if you could discover the truth of all that is by burying all that you no longer need.

I know, it sounds like I’ve been watching far too many B-list martial arts movies.

But truthfully, the greatest things that hold us back in life are often the beliefs that we have about something that we are unwilling or currently unable to let go of. We often have so many ideas around our identity and who we wish to be, who we strive to be. I have seen people struggle time after time because they are unwilling to let go of an identity which they have spent so long creating, that they cannot understand or see a future in which they are not that persona.

So they invest so much of their time and energy into desperately trying to be that which they are not.

And why do they do that? It’s because they can’t imagine what they will be, or how they will survive, if they give up an identity that they have spent years crafting, and one which defines so much of their life. We become so comfortable in the skin that we have grown over ourselves that we are unable to realize that without this persona, this identity, this carefully crafted opinion of who we think we are, we are in fact enough just being ourselves.

But letting go and giving up is very scary.

A friend of mine recently approached me and asked me how I made a very difficult decision recently, one that changed my life in a very significant way. As we talked, I could see that my friend was struggling deeply. They had recently come to understand something about that was going to change the very core of how they defined themselves.

And I could tell that letting go of the person they believe they were was terrifying.

Which, let’s be honest, is really terrifying. Suppose I told you that you were going to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that a significant portion of the way you have lived your life was based on a lie. That kind of betrayal, that kind of shift of the very nature of your understanding of reality doesn’t come easy. It makes you question everything and sometimes everyone.

But the longer we study, the more we realize that the only things we have to give up are the things that are not really true.

Yet we fear that, because we often believe that without “that which makes us… us” we will be less than. The loss of a lie doesn’t make us less, it actually makes us more. The more that we understand who we really are, the more we are able to move through the world from a place of peace and calm. The less lies we believe about ourselves, the more truly we understand who we really are.

And truly, being you, is enough.

Sure your bank account may be less than somebody else’s, and your car may be a few years older. Your house may be smaller, and you may not have the “perfect relationships” you believe that they have.

In my world, if you have the desire to be kind, and the honesty, courage and determination to know yourself, you are far more successful and far more “wealthy” than those who build their lives on a lie, and reinforce their beliefs of themselves with rumor, speculation and arrogance.

I’m here to tell you today that you at your core, without all of the trappings of the world in which we live, are enough.

The more you can let go of your need to be, the more you will find peace in who you truly are.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection # 583: Why Your Grief Turns to Guilt.

At the moment someone passes, those who care about them are on their own journey. It may be their first step after sudden and shocking news, or they may have begun walking on that pathway the moment a diagnosis was made. No matter when or where the journey starts, that moment of passing cements their presence on the highway of grief, and at that point there’s no way to leave it.

And that highway can be very lonely sometimes.

Yet sometimes, in the midst of that devastating combination of loss and longing, we take a detour onto a different kind of path. It’s an emotion that most of us have some familiarity with, and it seems to show up in the strangest of places, most of the time where it has no need to be. Somehow its presence is both comforting and painful at the same time, and it took me a long to figure out why.

Because why would feeling guilty ‘feel good’?

In my life as both a healthcare practitioner and a coach, I get to meet and talk to a lot of people. Sometimes at their best, but more often at a time when they are struggling, and I’ve seen how people can find refuge from what they feel by changing grief into guilt.

Often they are unaware of what they have done, unable to recognize why the change happened, and they are almost always undeserving of the pain they inflict upon themselves.

I have tried to understand why this is so, and I recently had a conversation that allowed me to figure it out. I think people choose guilt because it’s easier than grief.

True grief is something that we hate because it’s an emotion of helplessness, and helplessness is not a feeling that any of us enjoy. Almost 24 years ago I stood helpless in a neonatal intensive care unit where my son, just a few hours old, was being treated for a congenital heart condition that was doing its best to kill him. I was utterly, completely and unbelievably helpless… and I still struggle with the aftereffects of that feeling today.

I’ve listened to people weep through their helplessness at the loss of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a dream in the face of a changing situation. I’ve seen just how devastating and painful the sense of helplessness can be.

And sometimes the pain of helplessness from grief makes us look for any emotion so that we can feel something different.

Because like I said earlier, grief is an emotion that hurts us partly because there is no action to be taken. Grief kicks in where there is nothing else than can be done, and our inability to act leaves us powerless and painful. The pain we feel is instinctive, biological, inherent and often overwhelming so much that we might feel like we are going to die

In the face of overwhelming grief, we pivot to feeling guilt, because guilt always comes with it the understanding that we can do something different in the future.

And guilt also gives a sense that we are responsible in some part for what we are feeling, which allows us to feel that there is some balance in what otherwise can feel like a cold, uncaring universe.

The person who grieves not spending time with a loved one has the solace of knowing that they can spend more time with those around them, so they can avoid the intensity of the pain they feel right now. The person who grieves an angry last word with a now lost partner can take a sense of change by determining to treat people better, kinder and more gently.

So by the combination of giving us a sense of ‘rightness’ in the universe (I am guilty so I deserve to feel this way) and a concept of how to avoid feeling this way in the future, we transform our grief and helplessness in loss into guilt,

This makes the suffering easier, because suffering without cause disturbs our sense of certainty in the universe, but if we suffer because we deserve it… well, we can live with that, because that gives is a sense that there is order in the chaos; sense in the midst of that which often makes no sense at all.

The ability to act gives us hope against the helplessness of grief, and it helps us avoid the very thing that we actually need to do in order to feel better.

Guilt allows us to avoid feeling grief, and prevents us from feeling it until it runs it’s course.

I’ve met many people who have bandaged over the wound of grief with guilt, and who have never allowed that grief to fully be healed. Instead they take comfort in feeling bad about themselves, so that they can in some way hold onto those who have passed or moved on by committing to being different in the future.

And their guilt prevents them from truly finding peace in their future.

If that’s you, please know that your guilt is not serving you. Although it might be helping you get through today, I’m here to tell you that it’s poisoning your tomorrow. My wish for you is to give yourself the kindness that I’m sure you give others, and try to let your sense of guilt go. Yes it will hurt in the moment, but allowing yourself to grieve and heal will lift the weight of so many tomorrows.

May you find peace, and know that you are good.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #582: Echoes

In the town where I grew up in, there’s a church that was built around the early 1400’s. It’s not a very spectacular building, other than the fact that it’s held up to over 600 years of rain, hail, sleet, snow and, because it’s in England, occasionally sunlight.

That it still stands is a testament to the skills of its builders, and for me, there’s something very comforting about a building that old, that resilient, that timeless.

I feel like it connects us through time with those who have gone before.

But what’s even more impressive is going inside, and just sitting quietly. The older I get, the more I find silence to be inspiring; like I can hear the passing of time, and the accumulated knowledge of the human race trying to whisper to me its secrets.

Sitting in a building that old, especially one that was constructed for the very purpose of facilitating connection with a sense of something greater than ourselves, gives a sense of perspective not just of time, but also of our lives and the living out of our days.

In a building such as this, time itself seems an echo.

Sitting in that place, with stone, wood and glass that is so much older than I am, it’s easy to find myself drifting through reflection and emotion. Almost like I could connect with the dreams, desires, wishes, and struggles of the people who have sat in that place before me.

Some, many years ago, may have struggled to keep warm, while some less than a century ago would have struggled to avoid the bombs falling from the sky.

Somehow, the echoes of their problems live on in our lives, just with a different flavor of sadness, a different echo of madness.

Yet I think their dreams are also echoed in all of us, through both our biology and our societies. And, if there is such a thing, maybe somehow in our souls. At our core, the desires of most of us are pretty much the same.

We wish to love and feel loved, we wish for safety and the feeling of security, and we wish to feel a part of something that gives us a sense of meaning to the passing of our days.

I think sometimes we wish to feel ourselves as a part of the echo of humanity.

I had the chance recently to feel some of that echo myself, as my wife, my oldest son and myself went to watch a movie together. It was the sequel to a movie released almost 40 years ago; a movie that was for my wife and I an iconic capture of our adolescence, and the aspirations, hopes and feelings of a certain moment in time.

And watching my son love the sequel in the same way that we loved the original, I realized that my son was experiencing his own echo of the lives that we had lived, and the life that we had given to him.

Which made me wonder about all the echoes we have left with him in his soul, and to reflect on the echoes left in us from our parents, and the world in which we came to be. The more I ponder and reflect, the greater becomes my understanding that none of us are a singular sound outside of the orchestral grandeur that is the lasting note of humanity, both beautiful and discordant, both majestic and full of misery.

Every single one of us is in some way a reflection and an echo of all that has gone before, and the lives and years that will go on after us will reflect in some way that which we choose to do and be today.

May the echo of humanity be one of kindness and love, and may you feel of that daily and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #581: The Sooner You Get to Yourself.

If you ask the sculptor, they’ll tell you that statue was always there; that underneath the rough and unhewn stone was the finished product waiting to come to life.

Before starting the David, you can bet that Michelangelo could see it in his head. He breathed life into the work with every strike of the hammer on the chisel, eventually arriving at the final and finished masterpiece that was as breathtaking in its magnitude as it was in its detail.

Peace came for Michelangelo when the David reached its final form.

As I’ve watched my two children grow, I’ve been granted the monumental responsibility of shaping some of their form as well. Thankfully, by some instinct that I still struggle to define, I started off my role as a father with a desire to give them as much control as I could over their own growth and their own direction. Why is that important you ask… well, it’s because of this.

I truly believe that people who have the space to find out who they really are experience the greatest amount of happiness, and cause the least amount of problems.

Yet even under the best of parenting, we still find our image of ourselves shaped by the unavoidable trauma of being human. While still young we are affected by buffetings and realities of life. It might be bullying at school or the disapproval of a parent at home. It might be a birth into a culture that immediately defined a pathway for you that didn’t really resonate with who you were underneath.

Maybe it was an all consuming desire for something that turned out to be not what you really wanted.

There are so many ways for us to lose connection with who we really are, and to think that we are someone who we are not. Worst of all is when we feel a need to ‘be’ something that doesn’t feel congruent with who we actually are. This leads to a life of sadness, frustration, regret and mourning, as nothing you do feels like enough, and no success will truly compensate for that ever present feeling that nothing is as it should be.

Because unless it is authentic to you… it’s just going to feel wrong.

But let’s face it, it’s hard to come to a full knowledge of who we really are. I was 47 years old before I finally began to understand what I want to do with my life. It was a long hard road to get there, and I’ve made so many mistakes that I struggle every day with regret, and the fear that I will not be able to make right what sometimes feels so very, very wrong.

I honestly wish I had had the space to ‘discover myself’ as a child, or as a young adult.

But discovering yourself truly takes time and the space to try things to see what resonates, and that requires safety, and someone who can teach you how to realize what really resonates with you deep in your soul. I think we often do kids a terrible disservice by telling them who they are, and guiding them into the ways that will make us feel like we are ‘good parents’.

This leads to adults doing what they think they should do, rather than what would actually bring them joy.

Over the last four and a half years of writing this work, I’ve come to understand myself in new and surprisingly wonderful ways, and I’m trying to live according to who I really am, not who others would have me be. I’ve changed so much of my philosophy and understanding, and I can tell you that getting in touch with who I really am has provided a greater sense of peace and happiness than anything I have known before.

And I truly wish that for you as well.

The journey is not easy, but every layer of mistaken identity that I remove helps me to find a greater depth of peace, appreciation and wonder. I desire more to understand rather to be understood, and I find myself marveling at the smallest of things that I previously took for granted.

May you find a way to get to the truth of who you really are. It might shock you, and it might test you, but there is nothing greater that you can do for yourself than to find a way to release all your traumas and fears, and embrace your truest self in all your wonder.

It will change you, uplift you and embrace you in a peace that will surpass your understanding.

May you also find joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #580: Tectonic.

I remember my first earthquake very vividly. I was sitting at work, talking with my co-workers, when the world felt ‘weird’ for a moment. Having never experienced an earthquake before, all I could tell was that things were shaking, and it was nice to see that the people around me (seasoned Californians) were not freaking out. As soon as one of them identified the sensation, I could relax and really ‘feel’ what was happening. Thankfully it was a relatively mild one, which left no damage, and was just a good topic for conversation.

But the feeling that something very deep below me was shifting was a sensation I’ve never forgotten.

We all like to feel that our foundation is solid, that it doesn’t shift too much. The more sure we are of where we are standing, the more likely we are to make changes, take risks and see things from a balanced perspective. When we are young, our foundation tends to be very specific; based on our families, and the very small world that we inhabit. As we grow older, our foundation can deepen with our philosophy or beliefs, our relationships, and our choices.

And as we age, shifts in our foundation become less frequent, but can often be more powerful.

Instead of the small and gentle shifts that usually occur as a child grows, adult foundational shifts can often be what I describe as soul-quakes… a tectonic shift in the way we feel about the universe, our partner, our beliefs in the nature of the universe. It may be the loss of a career, the death of a loved one, learning of a deep and long lasting betrayal, or the sudden realization of a truth that is as self evident as it monumental.

Sometimes your soul-quakes are a result of the outside world, and sometimes they are from the inside world, far away in the dark corners of your soul.

A soul-quake can be profoundly painful or majestically moving. It can be both the end of a dream or the beginning of a period of enlightenment. In my years of working with different people, I have come to understand that tectonic movements within our soul are rarely without some form of pain. This can be from the loss of something, or from something we have given up, or the realization that a movement is necessary even though it will be accompanied by some pain.

The older you get, the harder it becomes to change your foundation.

But as we get older, the changes that we need tend to be tectonic. They are not the small course corrections found in childhood or young adulthood that require a small course correction. No, the older you get, the more force is required to make the changes that will lead us to the deeper truths that our very souls are crying for.

Very often, the tectonic shifts of our further years are about losing something that we thought was a part of ourselves, so that we might find more clearly the very nature of life as we wish it to be.

And that loss can be as painful as it can be profound.

As I grow older, I still find occasions of wonder and surprise, as a part of life sharpens into focus when once it was blurred in the background, and I see that there are changes that I wish to make, and yet sometimes I falter in the moment, fearful of what the next way point on the journey of my life could entail.

Because like an earthquake that occurs under our feet, a tectonic shift in our soul can be both destructive and creative, both painful and powerful. Sometimes it is the result of something that has been under pressure for so long finally breaking free, and when that energy is released, the very ground beneath our soul can move and find new balance.

Settling into a pathway that is better for us, and one that may lead us to joy.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection #579: What is the purpose of life?

I know. It’s a Monday morning and I’m dropping this kind of a reflection on you when realistically we’ve both got things to get done, places to be, and the last thing we have time for is a long deep conversation about life.

So why do I bother you this morning with a question that we could spend hours around a fire in the woods discussing?

Because I honestly believe that your time is valuable, and the longer you spend without a purpose in your life, the more you are wasting it.

I’ve found myself really trying to go deeper over the last 2 weeks, trying to become more ‘organic’ in my soul. This weekend my sweet wife and I got away to our favorite ‘hideout’ in the mountains. There’s a hotel we love, with a room that we have stayed in so many times that it feels like coming home whenever we get there.

The room has become ‘ours’, and there’s a sense of peace and calm in it that we rarely find elsewhere.

Usually when we get away for the weekend I have a plan of what to think about, what to write about and how to ‘use’ the time most effectively, and yet this weekend was different. I came with no specific purpose or target, other than to allow my mind the space to go where it wanted, to let it wander and see where it ended up… which actually looks like this:

Right now it’s 8:15am on Saturday April 23, 2022, and I’m pondering the reason for existence, and how to find a deep sense of meaning for my life.

Maybe you’ve already got this figured out, and if so, congratulations. Maybe your answer has to do with a belief in some form of higher order consciousness (deity), or maybe you’ve arrived at a conclusion that life is to be experienced and enjoyed as loudly and as extremely as possible.

Maybe, just maybe, your answer has less to do with trying to ‘figure things out’ and more to do with just keeping yourself busy so you don’t have to think about these things.

Or maybe you ask yourself the same questions.

I’m sure some of you reading this will immediately want to share your answers, and while I appreciate the sentiment behind your intention, I am fast becoming of the opinion that answers from others will never replace the deep sense of congruency that answers from within ourselves will produce.

The longer I live, the more I believe that the only answers that really matter are the ones that you have pulled out of your soul, not those which have been fed to you by others.

Which is why I try to focus on the currency of questions rather than the payment of answers.

I think it’s a rather fascinating form of self indulgence to believe that any answer that I have will be right for you. There’s no greater feeding of the ego to imagine a world full of people believing and behaving just how you think that they should. I know because in my younger days I felt that, believed that, and found that it leaves no space for anyone to be themselves. I shudder to think of how I was back then.

I think there’s no greater respect that I can pay you than to give you the space to find out who you are and what works for you, and to trust that you can find those answers for yourself. My role is to offer questions and queries along the way, left in such a manner that you can either engage with me or not.

Because we’re all on our own journey, and if I am to respect you, then I have to respect your freedom to choose for yourself what your purpose is.

If you have found your purpose and it brings you peace, I am happy for you. If you are searching for your purpose, I hope that you find it. If I may be of any assistance, I hope I can help you.

May you find peace and purpose, today and always.

— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings