About 2 months ago, a man came into my office, sat down, and began to cry. He covered his eyes with his hands, and through trembling breaths, he just wept. He didn’t really say anything for a while, and I felt like the best action was to give him the space to be, rather than answer questions.
So I sat next to him, and gently placed my hand on his back.
He didn’t flinch, so I began gently applying a soft but deep pressure up and down his back, trying to give him some comfort, and let him know that I was present, but that we were on his timetable, not mine.
After several minutes of just sitting there his breathing became more even, and his tears reduced to an occasional trickle. I sat on the floor opposite him, and asked a gentle opening question.
At first he seemed ashamed to be crying, but somehow I managed to create a space where he could feel safe enough to open up and share.
And for the next 30 minutes or so, we had a difficult yet powerful conversation.
I’m not going to go too deeply into what we talked about, but I think it’s enough to say that a situation was occurring within his family that was as unexpected as it was unwelcome, and he felt overwhelmed and unable to see a pathway forwards.
He was worried for the future, and couldn’t see a way forward that didn’t have a painful ending.
All of which was perfectly normal, and human.
Yet in the midst of the conversation, it became clear that a significant portion of his concern was about how the situation would be viewed by family members, and how he would be able to navigate a future in which he was going to feel like a failure, even though he had not caused the problem, and was trying to find a way out of it.
When I pointed this out to him, his tears returned.
It’s not like I haven’t seen this before. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve listened to people tell me their problems, and found out that they are imprisoned in a complex web of blame and shame, unable to separate the situation and its solution from the judgment they fear, both from others and from themselves.
In reality, there was no-one to blame, and no judgment from anyone of importance.
Because the problems that this man and his family were encountering are the very same ones that so many people, pretty much all people, struggle with.
Lifetimes of trauma and trying times create fractures in the emotions of humans, and unless those fractures, or wounds, are properly healed, we walk around this world trying our best, yet sometimes behaving at our worst.
And then we make it worse by feeling shame, and blaming ourselves.
Which just doubles down on the problem, making it harder for us to reach an emotional balance where we can begin to find solutions to our problems. The situation my friend was experiencing has multiple causes, and none of them a result of anyone’s intention.
Yet he felt like it must have been his fault somehow, and was worried about how it would look.
So I did what I have done so many times before, and set about changing his outlook. Using all that I have learned, and speaking from deep within my heart, I outlined the problem he was facing from a different perspective.
I explained the root causes of the events that had created the problem, and explained what I felt were options and avenues for him.
I also helped him realize that no-one was to ‘blame’, and that his fear of judgment was his own response to trauma in his life.
How I did do that… well, to quote from a movie franchise, I have a very particular set of skills, and I've been doing this for people for a long time now. When I wrote a few posts ago about being able to see you, it’s not hyperbole.
People at their core are very much the same, and their problems tend to be very similar.
So when you care deeply enough to understand people, you realize that almost every problem can be broken down to the same core concepts, the same fractured foundations.
Which is what we discussed.
As he left, I knew that I hadn’t changed his situation, but I felt like I had changed his understanding of it. By helping him to see that this wasn’t about blame, or judgment, or opinions or shame, I helped him see through the fog, and to understand his pathways forwards.
However the situation develops, he understands that he has options and abilities, and that he doesn’t have to worry about how everyone else looks at him.
Which is exactly the message I’d like to share with you.
Because I’m guessing if we sat down and talked, you’d probably share that you struggle with the same things. It’s a very human thing, to judge and to fear the judgment of others.
Yet I will tell you that more often than not, the very things with which you blame yourself are responses to situations and circumstances beyond your control.
And eventually, you’d come to understand that blame, shame and judgment are just the refuge of those who cannot love themselves enough to see the humanity and the divinity in others.
May you release yourself from blame and shame today, so that you may see a brighter tomorrow.
And find peace…
Always.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings