It’s the first thing I’m going to try to discover when working with you. It’s often buried below a lifetime of shame backed up by a burning desire to never let me know.
How fast we get to it determines how fast we will make your changes together. It can be your blessing and your curse, and it often sits so far down in your mind that you’re not even aware of how much it controls you.
Tell me the story of you.
How deep I have to take you to get to the truth is an equation of how ashamed you are of it, and how little you understand it, and honestly I’m not sure which of these is worse. Those who truly understand their story but are ashamed of it will run from the truth, but at least they know it. Those who are unaware don’t necessarily have shame around it, but they are often completely oblivious to how much it controls them.
Neither of these are a great way to live.
The story of you that you live could be something incredible, but most of the time it’s not. Depending on where and when you grew up, your story might have been forced on you by well meaning others, or the product of circumstances that were beyond your control and your years. It can define you in the ways that you doubt, defy, demure and dissemble.
If you don’t change that story, if will define every moment of your life until the grave. People get so locked into their stories that they live their lives by the things they have been told, rather than change what it is that they believe without question.
The more you understand and can accept your story without judgment, the faster we can get you the transformation you’re looking for. But be under no illusion, you’ll find that owning your story is likely to hurt in the short term, and it’s not for the faint of heart. You’ll have to dance with your demons, say hello to your heartaches, and bid a fond farewell to your victimhood.
And it will force you to accept others as you come to accept yourself.
Because redefining your story is as much about forgiving yourself for your failures as it is about calling yourself to task for what you do have and what you can do. The more of your story that you let go, the easier your life becomes as your choices expand, and your compassion compounds. For some it takes time, and for others it can occur in the space of a heartbeat.
Whenever it occurs, it can change how you experience life.
Because unless you have done the deep work, and taken control of your story, I can guarantee that it’s controlling you. Maybe you tell yourself you’re a victim, which changes every interaction you have with others, or maybe you tell yourself that you are poor, which affects how you handle your money. Maybe you are ashamed of who you are, which leads you hide away from everyone who could be your friend.
Any of that sound familiar? I hope not, but I’m guessing if we dig deep enough, we’ll find it.
And that’s ok. Having a story that holds you back doesn’t say anything about you other than you are human, and your journey is still ongoing. Probably one of the greatest outcomes of owning your own story is that you’ll truly come to understand how little of a story you need to be at peace with yourself.
Once you know yourself, have made peace with yourself and have given yourself the gift of your own story, you’ll find a different you looking back in the mirror. Someone who you can live with, and be at peace with.
If I could ask of you one thing today, I would ask you to begin to understand your story. You don’t have to share it with anybody, and you don’t have to try and change it.
Just start with knowing who you are, and the story you tell yourself about yourself.
And then ask yourself how much of that is really true.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings