There’s this moment in Shrek movie where Donkey is driving Shrek nuts. Well, okay, there’s a number of those actually, but in this particular one Shrek is trying to explain to Donkey that ogres are not just unthinking beasts, but they can actually be sensitive, and that they have layers. Given that he is the comic relief, Donkey of course completely misunderstands this.
Problem is, so do we. Just not about ogres.
Because there’s something else that has a lot of layers, and it’s very easy to misunderstand, especially when dealing with yourself. But often we look at others who have been through difficult times and we think that by now they should have healed, as if another rotation around the sun magically grants them some kind of emotional clarity that has previously been missing.
Trauma, it seems, has a lot of layers.
I am at an interesting phase in my life, where it seems that I am peeling yet another layer of my emotional onion. It’s funny how when you peel an onion in real life it makes you cry, and when you peel another layer of trauma away, it can do the very same thing. I think what makes it hardest is not that it’s happening, but that I thought that I had healed this particular problem.
Newsflash, I can be just as blind about myself as anyone.
Yet having done a lot of work on myself, I find that stripping off this next layer, as unexpected as it was, is in some strange way a good thing. Not that it doesn’t suck, because let me tell you, it really sucks. Coming face-to-face with some of the truths that your subconscious has kept hidden from you because you couldn’t handle it at the time is never a fun experience.
I sometimes wonder if our subconscious knows just how much we can handle, and only allows us to see the few things at a time. I’m guessing that’s where the layers come in.
Or it could just be that I’ve never had the courage to look until now. Or maybe the circumstances weren’t right, or maybe whatever, however, whomever, whenever, etc. There’s nothing like over-thinking the problem to try and avoid it. In the past I would probably have tried to figure out all the permutations of life that got me here, mainly as a way to prevent myself from actually feeling.
So I’m trying not to do that.
Since we’re friends, I’ll admit to you that I’m frustrated to be peeling another layer. I honestly thought that this was something that I had healed, dealt with, and didn’t have to face again. You can imagine my surprise and annoyance when it comes back around all of a sudden, raising its head and demanding to be paid attention to.
But the truth is if I don’t look at it… if I don’t face it… I can’t deal with it.
Of course the timing is imperfect, but when is it ever? The longer I live, the more I realize that the universe keeps giving us the same problems over, and over, and over again until we figure out what we’re doing wrong. I don’t necessarily think that’s any grand design, just the nature of time and reality. It’s like the person who never fixes their oil leak, and keeps complaining when the light comes on to tell them that there’s a problem.
It is really frustrating though, when you think that you solved the problem, and it turns out all you done was put a Band-Aid over what was left.
If anyone ever tells you that the journey through self-awareness is easy, you know they haven’t gone deep enough. If anyone ever tells you that they’re done, they probably have a few layers they are not aware of yet.
The truth is, we’re all on the same journey. We all started at different places, and we’re all on our own path, but it’s essentially the same. We live, we laugh, we learn, we love, and if we’re lucky, we get to constantly refine ourselves against the rigors of reality. Grinding, smoothing and eventually polishing ourselves into someone who can transcend the day-to-day suffering, and who sees the long game and knows how to play it.
Whether you're healing from the loss of a layer, or are currently in the process of peeling another one, please know that I am very grateful for your presence in the universe. The fact that you are reading this work means that you are part of my journey, and I’m so thankful that you are here.
Sharing with you gives me a deeper sense of meaning for my own journey, and I think that makes it easier to bear.
Thank you for being here, and may your day bring you joy and peace.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings