.There was a time in my life, long ago, where I admired and was somewhat in awe of people who managed to ‘achieve’ so much.
Sure, most of the time it was in a financial or a material sense, but mostly I respected their ability to push through, to stay on target, and to not lose their focus. Those who could ‘make things happen’, and ‘get things done’.
Little did I know that sometimes ‘driven’ is a camouflage for damaged and distressed.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people who are focused on what they can achieve, far from it. The problem is when that drive for action is propelled by something painful, because that’s when other people start to pay the price when things go wrong.
The person who ‘has’ to do something (driven by pain/desperation) responds very differently to the person who ‘wants’ to do something (driven by desire, but will be ok if things don’t work out).
If your ‘need’ (desperation) to have something happen over-rides your internal guidelines as to how you should act, you’ll find yourself burning down the relationships around you, sometimes to the point where they cannot be rebuilt.
And you finding yourself living with the consequences.
I’ve been working with a coaching client recently who struggles with this in relationship to their own children. They are caught between the desire to be a really good parent, and the desperation of how they act when their children are not making things easy on them.
Anyone who has ever had children knows just how far your children can push you.
My client raises their voice, and becomes significantly frustrated. That’s all that happens, but for my client this is a violation of the way that they would like to talk to their child.
When you’ve been yelled at as a child, the last thing you want to do is treat your children that way.
So in working with my client, we’re trying to dig deeper and find the desperation that is driving their actions.
As is often the case, we’re finding that my client has deep seated ‘needs’ to avoid certain feelings, such as being a failure, being seen to be not enough, and trying to be ‘perfect’ so that they can finally get the recognition from a parent that was unintentionally withheld during childhood.
Because those who came before are often the victims of their childhood too.
As we become more self aware, we begin to walk into the shadows of our subconscious, and find the wounds that we are desperately trying to heal.
Left untreated, they darken our days and whisper poison to our souls in the night. They leave us unable to feel like we can rest, and cause us to act and react in ways that are not in harmony with our highest selves, leaving a trail of broken hearts and damaged souls in our wake.
And humanity has seen far too much of this in our time.
So the next time you feel yourself being driven in some part of your life (or even paralyzed, because some are ‘driven’ to do nothing by their need to avoid the calamitous chaos of chance), I would invite you to try to understand where the impetus for your action is coming from.
If it truly is a desire, not driven by a need, then you’ll be able to take the chances and weather the outcomes without anger, frustration or fury.
If not, then you probably have some self understanding to do.
And I’ll be here when you’re ready.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings