If you know me at all, you’d probably agree that communication is both my ‘super-power’ and sometimes my curse. I still remember being 8 or 9 years old and my teacher telling me in front of the class that I was ‘blessed with verbal diarrhea’.
I can acutely recall the feeling of sadness as she said that, and of all the interactions I had with that teacher over the school year, that one stands out.
She taught me to feel ashamed of what I bring to the world.
40+ years later, I’m still coming to terms with those feelings, and discovering my voice as I find my way through whatever it is I’m doing here.
Part of me still feels very uncomfortable with the idea that I have something of value to share, but as I am closing in on 600 pieces of work, I think I’m slowly finding some peace with the concept that what I do can be of worth to others.
Saying that publicly is hard, yet sharing my ideas one on one is all too easy.
In the last 48 hours I've had two conversations that turned into opportunities to help someone. In the easier of the two, a surprise comment by the other person blossomed into a chance to share a principle that may significantly change their life.
As I sensed that they were ready to receive a suggestion, I spoke from my heart, sharing not only my own history, but how our stories intersected and overlapped. Their surprised created a space in which to share, and I could tell that what I offered was gratefully received.
I wish I could say I have always had that much sensitivity, but in my defense, I am trying to learn it.
And the other conversation was where it finally came together. As a different friend shared some deep and personal feelings, there were two occasions when I saw an opening in which to share a principle that I believe could have significantly changed their outlook.
Had they been receptive in the moment, I think something amazing could have occurred.
But had I tried to share, I think I would have probably upset them.
So I did what I have struggled to do in the past. At both points, where the compassionate coach inside of me wanted to share a suggestion, I didn’t. What I actually said was “I’m going to keep my mouth shut”, and smiled at them.
I think they could tell that it was hard for me, but I also think they were grateful that I extended unto them the space to be, without me trying to share, or control, or teach.
One of the hardest things to do is allow people the space to hurt, until they are ready not to.
I could tell that she realized I was paying her the compliment of really ‘seeing her’ and allowing her to exist in the world without the need to be ‘fixed’ or ‘helped’. Of all the messages I sent that day, I think that might have been the most powerful.
I might have helped her with a principle and a suggestion, but not as powerfully as validating who she is by respecting where she is at right now.
Out of a foundation of respect and compassion, a pathway may emerge. Or not. May it be as my friend wishes.
After that encounter was over, my sweet wife gently expressed her admiration for the way I had been able to really show restraint and respect, and to not talk when I wanted to.
She has sat quietly many times while I’ve helped someone in the moment, not pre-planned or scheduled, and she knows how much joy and meaning can come from those moments for all concerned.
But this was not the time for me to talk, but to listen, and validate someone’s right to be in their own space without the opinion of someone else, no matter how kindly it would have been meant.
So I’m learning to talk less, and listen more.
Good communication occurs in a place where both parties feel respected, and enough.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings