I’ve known her for years, and in that time we’ve had some interesting conversations. Sometimes we agreed, sometimes we’ve disagreed. There have been times that she’s come to me for advice, for an opinion, and sometimes just because she needed to vent. I get a lot of that
Yet she asked me something recently that really surprised me and helped me understand where she was at. As we discussed how I might help her at this time in her life, she asked me one question…
Will you make it safe for me?
And I knew instantly that she was in a difficult place. Some things have occurred in her life that could be interpreted as a loss or a failure.
Like many of the people I coach, she struggles to hold a good opinion of herself, and she tends to view her life through the binary lens of success or failure, good or bad, loveable or unlovable.
As you can probably guess, right now she’s not feeling on the positive end of any of those.
It became pretty clear in the conversation that followed that she’s afraid of what comes next. As she laid down a bunch of stipulations, it seemed that she had spent some time figuring out what I might ask her to do, or suggestions I might have to help her work through where she is at.
One by one she closed off all the avenues that she felt could be too painful for her right now.
Not realizing that she was leaving open the one place I wanted her to go.
Because for her it’s the ultimate place of safety, and it’s really where she’ll find the answers and the peace that she’s looking for. However it’s also the last place that she really wants to look, because it’s the source of all of her problems, and right now she’s too afraid of that place to want to face it head-on.
While I understand why she feels the way she does, I also have walked that pathway myself and know that in the end, it always comes down to the hardest conversation that we’ll ever have.
With ourselves.
Ultimately, whether or not I can “make it safe for her” comes down to how well I can help her navigate the painful feelings inside of her.
I’ve done this long enough to know that there’s no way to avoid what she has to go through if she really wants to heal, but I also know how much it can help to have somebody who’s there for you, holding a space for you, not judging you, and being there for you when it sometimes seems like no one else is.
Because the people who really make a difference in our lives are not just the ones who ask us the deep questions, but who are also there with the compassion to help us find the answers.
In the end, my goal with her is the same as it is with everybody. I’ll try to help her see who she really is inside, and help her walk away from all of the negative beliefs that she has. To do so, shall have to be willing to give up what she’s desperately holding onto.
It still amazes me that so many of us hold onto beliefs that hurt us, because we are afraid of a truth that we have to accept if we let that belief go.
And how much we will cling to something painful, because we’re afraid of learning something different.
I’d like to challenge you today to ask yourself what would happen if you actually let go of some of the beliefs that you’re holding onto. It might not seem pleasant, it might not seem safe, and it might not seem calm, but I promise you the peace that comes after you go through that storm will change you.
Peace has a funny way of doing that, especially if you know the right questions to ask.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings