An old friend sent me a picture of our class photo from around 35 years ago. As I stared in something like shock at how young I used to be, I started naming off names.
I got about 75% of them right, and yet what was more surprising to me was that I could still give you my profile concepts for each of them. Clever or dumb, kind or cruel, aggressive or passive, successful or failure.
And I wondered how right I had been in those assumptions.
Other than the friend who sent me the picture, I haven’t talked to any of them in probably 30 years. I wondered if they were to see a picture of me, would they still expect me to be the same messed up kid I always was back then, bleeding emotional pain and missing large numbers of days when the idea of facing school was too painful.
Would they have predicted me to be where I am (wherever that actually is).
I think I've grown in the last 30 years. Almost 25 years of marriage, 2 children, graduate school, my own business. Powerful highs, and incredible lows.
Yet here I am, in my 4th year of writing this work, and in some ways I feel like I’m just getting started, just growing up. Would my classmates of years long gone decide that I had ‘made good’ or ‘exceeded their expectations’?
Would I even care about their opinions…
Honestly, no. I decided many years ago that allowing the opinions of others to control you is one of the fastest roads to the city of madness. As the old saying goes… You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time….
But if you don’t please yourself, none of that matters at all.
Looking back at the young man I was, with unkempt hair, and a somewhat forced smile (if you’ve ever survived a school picture day you know what I mean) I realized that it didn’t matter at all what he would of thought of me, because he was a 14-15 year old kid who didn’t have a clue about how wildly his life was going to change. All he really cared about was surviving each and every day.
He didn’t know who I would become, and none of my classmates did either.
In the 35 years since that picture was taken, I’ve come to understand that the only person who you really have to make peace with, and learn to love completely, is the person staring back at you in the mirror.
If you aren’t happy with who you are, then no one’s opinion of you is going to change what you think about yourself.
And until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never really find peace anywhere else.
Now please understand, loving yourself doesn’t mean you have an unrealistic opinion of yourself, or think that in some way you are better than everyone you meet – it’s far from that.
Loving yourself is an acceptance of all of your flaws and quirks, your darkest days and your weakest nights. It’s realizing that the very humanity which hurts you is also the alchemy that ennobles you.
And realizing that this one life that you have, this moment of history in the universe, is a gift and an opportunity.
As time goes by, hopefully you’ll stop asking if you were successful, and realize that your happiness and your satisfaction with the way you live your life is the only currency that will ever bring you peace.
You’ll care less about the opinions of others, and focus on living in congruency with the highest of your ideals. Your values will be your guidepost, and your compassion your power.
Living in the fullness of you, you’ll find an abundance of joy.
Because this life, right now and today, is your chance to experience not only the worst, but the best that you have to offer. In the years beyond this, you may look back with wonder at the choices that you made, and marvel at the peace that they brought you.
This life is yours to do with as seems best.
Make it a good one.
You’ll be glad you did.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings