Sorry I haven’t written in a while – this is never a good time for me. I have come to look upon the months of January & February with a certain fear, trepidation & sadness.
As someone who grew up in England, with gray skies and rain as a constant during these months, I find my emotional energy in January & February to be very low.
There are times when it feels like all I can do to make it through the day.
And it hasn’t been made any easier this year by the global pandemic we are living through. As a very ‘hands on’ self-employed healthcare practitioner who doesn’t have the option of telemedicine, this last year has been grueling.
It’s honestly felt like I’m dodging bullets most of the time, with a few very near misses. Days are long, leaving home before the sun comes up, and returning after it’s gone down.
Sometimes it’s hard to see that there will ever be light again.
Truthfully I know how to help myself, but it requires effort to do the things that would help, and right now, effort seems to be in short supply. I know that meditation would be really good for me, but it’s a struggle to make the time, to center my thoughts, and to hold myself in a place of peace and serenity.
Sometimes it’s easier to just find things to distract myself with, even though I know it’s not as effective.
And then I struggle with the judgment of knowing I’m not doing the best for myself.
Likewise, exercise would be really good for me right now. I have a treadmill in my home office, free weights and a bench/lat tower combo in the garage, and a bicycle that hasn’t had much use recently.
I know I would feel better afterwards, but the energy to get started, and to follow through after starting just seems to evade me.
All I see are a thousand roads leading into sadness.
Even food is a struggle right now. I’m still eating the same Ketogenic diet I’ve been on for almost 5 years now, but portion control is kind of a joke, and I haven’t tracked what I’ve eaten in so long.
After losing 145lbs in 18 months, you’d think I would have the willpower to just get back on course, make the changes, and do what needs to be done.
But the truth is I’ve gained back a portion of that weight, and I don’t feel that good about it.
I’m sharing this today because I've seen more and more people recently talking about how they are struggling, and I’m guessing that there are even more who are keeping quiet about it.
We have this stigma around struggling, especially when we live a society that praises achievement and production over kindness and compassion, and too many people put on a façade every day, rather than admit how they feel to another.
Which doesn’t help, because in truth we all struggle at some time in our lives, and right now is a difficult time for most of us.
A time when our weaknesses seem magnified, and our faults seem to come clearer into view. A time where we feel like the burdens we carry are eternal; here with us forever to slow us down, and take from our souls the very energy we need to pick ourselves back up. A time when darkness seems forever, and the light is so far away.
A perception, not a reality. An illusion, borne of sadness and time.
One of the things I’m trying to do most of all right now is extend to myself some compassion and understanding. It’s all too easy to beat myself up over this, and smother my efforts in judgment and derision, but I am working on accepting that I am doing the best that I have to offer right now.
Sure it’s not everything I could do, but some things right now are just outside of what I can afford from an energy perspective.
So if you’re finding yourself to be less productive, less engaged, less dynamic and less effective right now, please give yourself a hug, and realize that taking care of yourself at a basic level might be the very best thing you can do right now.
Sometimes we have the strength to swim against the tide, and other times we just have to focus on staying afloat, conserving our energy and waiting until there is a quiet in the storm, so that we can move forwards.
Be kind to yourself today, and if you are struggling and feel like you are going under, reach out for help.
There are good people in the world, and they really do care.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings