Progression
You start off angry. At who – everybody.
The person who changed lanes a little aggressively, or the person who stood in front of you at the coffee shop for 10 minutes and now holds a long conversation with the barista trying to make up their mind. Like seriously – you had 10 minutes… how much longer to do you need. Order your coffee, and get out of my way.
Everybody seems like they need a throat punch, and you feel like handing them out generously.
And you spend however long you want to like this. Seeing nothing but faults in the world, and everything is personal against you. It’s your own kind of special hell, because everyone, and I mean everyone, has a say in how you are feeling.
Anyone who doesn’t do things exactly how you like them done has the ability to send you over the edge, into a pit of frustration and rage.
Day after day, month after month, year after year.
Until finally, on one blessed day, you realize that the one constant factor in your nightmare is the one that you actually have some kind of ability to change.
And you begin to go inward, working on yourself.
Suddenly, you’re surrounded by more frustration than you’ve ever known before. Because now, the person who annoys you the most is yourself. Suddenly there is no safe refuge, no animosity towards others, that can save you from this level of hell.
As the mirror of your awareness turns inwards, and you see for the first time the horror of who you have allowed yourself to become, you understand in one blinding instant just how much you need to change.
Your knees will buckle for a while, and you’ll fall into a darkness more complete, and more terrifying, than you’ve ever known.
One by one, you catalogue your issues, and begin to see the connections. Little by little, you start to find answers to the questions that have besieged you for so long, all the while struggling to believe that you have any place to serve in the world, any goodness left in your soul with which to help others. There’s really only one benefit to going this deeply…
Other people have lost their ability to annoy you.
Sure, they might be irritating, but that’s all they can do now. Gone are the days when they could push you into rage and anger. Their faults, compared to your own, seem tiny and of little consequence.
The more you begin to understand your trauma, and your tears, the more you can see the troubles through which they struggle.
And that’s when it hits you.
Because suddenly, you begin to find for them a strange emotion, a weird feeling that seems alien at first, and somewhat uncomfortable. Because compassion for others has never been something that has overwhelmed you, and brought you to your knees.
Yet now you find yourself seeing each person as if anew, and finding in the darkest depths of your soul a sense of pity, and a desire to help them reduce or eliminate their suffering. You cry at their misfortunes, and you give more generously than you ever have, not out a sense of guilt, but out of a true desire to help.
Your view of the world changes, from darkness into light.
But most of all, in the dark shadows of your demons, you begin to shine that light of compassion onto yourself. For when you realize that you are no better or no worse than everyone around you, and you can forgive them, then you realize that the gift you now give freely to others is one you can also extend to yourself.
Piece by piece, day by day, you learn to forgive and love yourself.
At which point, the whole universe becomes alive. Suddenly there are people to help, joy to be shared, compassion to be extended and grief to be washed away.
When you see the humanity and divinity of the awareness present in others, you also come to understand that that same majesty and wonder also resides within you.
Then, with a faltering breath, and a tear in your eye, you see everything as it really is, and you marvel at how blind you ever were before, to have missed such a marvel that existed all around you.
And you flood with gratitude for your progress, and desire to share it with others.
May you find joy in your progression, and may we share that joy together.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings