Death by Caring.
Do you ever struggle with caring too much? Have you ever reached that point where you are so concerned about the feelings of others, that you realize you’re living in an emotional minefield, afraid to say and do the things you want to do because of how it will affect other people?
I’m honestly there right now, and it’s made me realize that there are two sides to this problem.
And neither of them are good.
Because I have a couple situations in my life that are bugging me, and both are because what I feel is the right course of action in each situation will create unhappiness for someone else.
In thinking this through, I’ve realized that the problem is partially with me, in that I am too willing to sacrifice my personal boundaries for others, but also with those who will be unhappy, as they are determining their happiness based on the activities of others which they have no right to expect.
Yeah, I get that that needs a little unpacking.
Let’s start with me, because in the end, that’s the only place I can affect change. I’ve realized over the last few years while writing this work that I tend to be more concerned about the feelings others than my own.
This leads to me avoid situations that would create sadness for another, by sacrificing actions that would bring peace to myself.
This is not necessarily a bad thing in the short term, but if you do it too much, or too often, you find yourself sacrificing your soul to the happiness of others.
Which left unchecked causes stress, burnout and eventually ‘moral injury’.
On the other side of the equation are people who base their happiness and sense of worth on the actions and the acquiescence of others.
Please understand that this is not in any way a judgment on their worth or value as a human being (nor as a person), but an observation of behaviors that they exhibit that actually cause pain to themselves as well as others.
Behaviors that they may not even see as a problem.
And so, the equation goes something like this...
I (not desiring to hurt someone)...
sacrifice my sense of right (which creates stress) in order to preserve the feelings of someone else (who bears me no ill will)...
because they have emotional needs and expectations (that cause them as much pain as it does me) that will be hurt if I do what I think is right.
I hate to sound like a math professor, but in this circumstance, this equation is never going to find a balance unless both sides change.
And the only person I have any influence over is me.
Which means that in order to find authenticity within myself (which is one of the most important waypoints on the pathway to happiness) I have to find a way to make the choices and do the things that I believe to be right, and explain them in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation.
Please note, this doesn’t mean it won’t cause pain to the other person, rather that I try to minimize that pain, while still doing that which is right.
And being ok with them thinking that I am wrong.
Which is really hard for me, because I try to be a peacemaker, and to protect the feelings of others. That makes me a good person right… a caring person right…. After all, sacrificing for others is the sign of an evolved person, an enlightened person…. All the things I would like to think I am becoming.
But it’s all wrong if it’s done out of fear, or out of need. My ‘need’ to avoid causing others any pain, even at the cost of my own sense of self, is not a behavior to be accepted, but rather a pathology to be repaired.
Which means I have some hard choices to make, and some difficult conversations to have.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings