Parenting my inner child.
Sometimes in our emotional development our progression stops, because some kind of support or learning wasn’t present when it was needed. In response, we stop maturing in that aspect, and are left with an ‘inner child’ to deal with for the rest of our lives.
I had two specific events occur this last week that brought out the worst of my inner child. Both of them were situations that I interpreted as a ‘threat’ to my needs, specifically my need for certainty, and my need for significance.
I’d love to tell you that I handled both situations well, like a mature adult, and in a way, I did. I behaved somewhat rationally and properly.
But that’s not how I felt.
Inside, I was more like a 5 year old. I felt angry, frustrated, scared and unkind. If I had no self control I would have probably reacted like a child throwing an epic tantrum There’s a reason why I have not lost my temper since I was 13 years old; because my inner child is not someone I’m proud of.
I know where he came from. Out the chaos that was my childhood; experiences and emotions that should not have happened and things that were missing that can never be made up.
The really hard part is that the adult me, the educated me, the me that is trying to live a better way knows this is wrong.
Even when I’m throwing my own ridiculous, pointless pity party in my mind, there is a part of me that is desperately trying to reason with my inner child, to help him overcome his pain, move past his fears and grow into the person I aspire to be.
But he’s resistant; so resistant.
I’ve come at least far enough in my journey that I don’t allow him access to my behavior, so nobody but me has to deal with him.
Sometimes that means withdrawing, pulling away and decreasing my interactions within a particular area of my life until I have a reasonable certainty of behaving in a way that I believe is appropriate.
Do you struggle with an inner child?
If you do, you have my sympathies and my hopes that you have begun your own healing journey. It takes time, and it takes patience, but I promise you it can be done.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings