The chasm between knowing and feeling.
Have you ever known that what you were feeling was not how you should be reacting, but you felt powerless to change or control it?
My guess is that you have been there; I think we all have.
Anyone who has any amount of self awareness comes one day to the knowledge that their reactions, their unconsidered emotions, are not necessarily in alignment with how they could be. Then they start down that long road of trying to understand why.
I had an experience a few weeks ago that gave me a different perspective on this problem that I share today in the hopes that it may be of some benefit.
An event occurred in my life, one that was explainable with a myriad of reasons. A person acted towards me in a certain way, and although I could have interpreted their behavior differently, at my core I felt very sad and rejected.
While I felt this sadness envelop me, I was also aware that this event could mean something completely different but no matter how hard I tried, I seemed unable to shake the feelings that plagued me.
After a very long and sleepless night, I decided to abandon trying to change the feelings, and instead tried to understand where they came from, and why I couldn’t set them down and walk free of them.
I knew that my knowledge and feelings were out of alignment, but I needed to know why.
After much reflection, I stumbled upon the understanding that I was viewing these events through one of my ‘soul-wounds’, which is a way of describing a deep and painful emotional scar that pervades the mind and affects the way we think and behave.
In this case, the actions of the other person resonated with my wound, which essentially is a belief that I am not worthy of good things happening to me. I was unable to ‘walk away from the feeling’ because we often find it easier to accept a bad certainty now, than to risk hope that could turn into pain in the future.
My wound became the lens through which the event was viewed and my certainty need was pushing me to accept a painful emotion now, to protect me in the future.
Eventually, after this understanding came to me, I was able to allow the emotions to wash over me, and fall from me. It took time, but understanding why helped me to find a way through the darkness.
If you are struggling to cross the chasm between knowing and feeling, I invite you to accept the feelings, and instead of trying to change them right now, seek to understand their genesis.
Awareness and understanding are the first steps on the road to peace.
-- Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings