Broken Ego on Check-Stand Number 2.
I don’t know if she did it deliberately. Maybe it’s store policy, maybe it was her way of taking a shot at me. I don’t know. All I remember was being very happy that I managed to hold my tongue, and not make an uncomfortable situation worse.
Yet her question has provoked some interesting emotions in me this evening, so I thought I would share it with you.
“Senior discount, 55 years or older” she asked?
And I froze for a second, and was almost speechless. A sudden rush of questions ran through my head. Do I look that tired? Does the slightly loose skin on my face from my weight loss make me look old?
Is it the gray in my beard? Is she annoyed because I’m in her store? Is she having a bad night, or is she just messing with me because I’m a man?
“No thank you” was all I managed. In hindsight I could have used one of my many accents, been charming, or even a little flirtatious, just to make the situation less painful, but I didn’t. I was too busy trying to analyze the emotions that were overtaking me at that moment.
Why was I reacting so strongly to something that was in all reality no big deal?
I felt for a moment somehow less ‘whole’. Like a door to the young me of the past had just been closed behind me, never again to open and allow me to step through it one more time.
I felt as if I suddenly had less time to achieve whatever it is I want to achieve; less time to share my thoughts and ideas with others; less opportunities to do and see all that the world has to offer.
But most of all, I felt like I was ‘less attractive’, which is ridiculous because as a 48-year-old guy who has been happily married for 22+ years, being ‘attractive’ should be really low on my list of concerns. But for some egotistical reason, that bothered me more than I wanted to admit.
So, I went deeper, to understand the truth behind my feelings. I do that a lot, in case you hadn’t noticed. :)
And to my surprise, I realized that even though I look so much better after losing 140lbs, there is still a part of me that feels like I am still that 330lb, 5'9'' guy, who hated people looking at him, because of the way that he saw himself.
I realized that I had placed a lot of my personal ‘value’ in looking better than I used to, and that no matter how hard I try, time will eventually rob me of my hard won improvements to my appearance.
All I can do is fight a desperate rearguard action, and try to tell myself that I’m not being a fool for wanting to look ‘strong, powerful, attractive’.
Between you and me, I think the male ego is sometimes a ridiculous thing.
Today, I acknowledge my frailties, my vanities and my weaknesses. We all have them, and I hope by sharing mine with you, you will come to just a little greater knowledge of yourself, as I did today.
Because after all, according to the lady behind check-stand number 2, I’m old, so I think I should be wise.
May we all grow to a grand old age, and use that discount as many times as we can.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings