If you’ve ever worked with me in person, be it in a group setting or one on one, then you’ll know that I am very focused on the art of reading ourselves through our emotions. I truly believe that our reactions, especially those that are so deeply rooted that we don’t question them, are the key to understanding both our traumas and our truths.
They are also the key to progressing on our pathway to finding peace.
I recently realized a change that I need to make in my life. Not that I wasn’t aware of the need to make the change, but as often happens, we don’t see ourselves as clearly as we see others. As I meditated and contemplated this change, I sat quietly, trying to make sense of the complex morass of emotions I was feeling around it.
Like I said, this isn’t a change I've been unaware of, and it’s not so much of a complete change of direction, more of a course correction. Usually when I think about it, it’s just an overwhelming mess, but this time I was able to isolate a particular emotion sitting at the core of how I was feeling.
And I realized that it was a deep sense of sadness.
Obviously, I didn’t stop there though, because I also truly believe that answers are merely pit stops, and that what directs our journeys are better and deeper questions. So as soon as I had identified the sense of sadness, I began to probe deeper, to try to understand why this change provokes sadness in me, when other people see it as something joyful, and embrace it.
All the while, trying to question myself without allowing a sense of judgment to cloud my vision.
Because this is honestly something that has been a negative in my life for a very long time now. I try not to think of it as a failing (avoiding judgment so that I can see clearly), but rather as just a part of how my consciousness is currently expressing itself. It’s a hard thing to do, especially when there is so much emotion caught up with it.
But whoever said this was going to be easy right?
Anytime I experience sadness, I first allow myself a little space to grieve. Sadness is always a secondary reaction to a perceived loss. Sadness is really the other side of the coin from anger. Both are reactions, just different ways of directing the energy that comes from the pain of losing something. Since I try to avoid anger, sadness is often my default.
So it became necessary for me to understand what I felt I could be losing by making this change.
Over the course of the next few minutes, as I sat quietly and reflected my feelings against my awareness, I came to the understanding that what I was losing here was a belief that the universe should be a certain way. I’m not expressing that very well, because I know that the universe isn’t the way I wish it was, but that in making this change, I am essentially finally accepting the truth that I have been fighting against.
The ‘loss’ is of my assumed naiveté (because I know what the universe is really like), and my desires for a kinder and more balanced universe. It’s like I am accepting a truth that I wish wasn’t true.
And it’s making me sad.
But if I am to move forward, and find peace, then I have to let go of wishes that the universe would be one way or the other, and accept ‘what is’ with as much peace and calm as I can manage. My definition of peace is the state of fully accepting the universe as it is, and still acting with as much kindness and compassion as I can.
Because in its native state, the universe is devoid of kindness, and I don’t think that’s right.
Yet I face the reality that I need to make a change to how I am expressing my consciousness, and align within the universe in a way that allows me a greater balance of existence. This is probably a change that I should have made many years ago, but what can I say… we are all on our own timelines, and sometimes the most honest thing was can say is simply that something was, or is, or that we hope it can be.
For now, I’m going to sit with the sadness for a little while longer, knowing that change always brings with it complex emotions, otherwise we probably wouldn’t notice it as a change at all.
Wherever and whenever you are reading this, I hope that you are able to spend time today learning to read your own emotions. I can think of nothing greater that will bring you peace than finally understanding and healing your soul, and finding your own way to balance within the universe.
May we all find ourselves there, and find joy in the presence of each other.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings