I get it. The end of the year is approaching, and a new one starts on Sunday. It seems like a great time to make all these commitments, and resolve to become “a better you”, or to “spend less and save more”.
Maybe your changes have to do with less calories in, more exercise out. You might even be thinking about how to spend your time “more appropriately”, with less scrolling and more thinking.
Do you know what the statistics are on people keeping their New Year’s resolutions?
Honestly, it’s not great. As someone who has set and broken resolutions over the years, I’ve tried to come to an understanding of why that happens. When I finally figured out, it was one of those thunderbolt moments that hit me square between the eyes. My theory on why most New Year’s resolutions fail come down to this one simple truth…
People want to change something because they feel like they are not enough as they are.
And when it comes right down to it, any action you take in an attempt to feel “worthy” is always going to fail because you’re reinforcing the fact that you think you’re not enough. Two people can be performing the same action, but the person who is doing it out of a desperate sense of unworthiness is never going to have the same emotional strength is the person who’s doing it because they believe they deserve the outcome.
It’s one of those strange Zen principles that the more you can let go of your need to change something, or to “become something” the easier it becomes to do it.
Because we get caught up in this idea that something we are doing is “so hard”. The person who thinks that avoiding high calorie low nutrition foods for the next month is going to be “really difficult” has already talked themselves into a corner that they’re going to have to work hard to get out of. The person who realizes that they are enough, but they want to experience life at a different level, won’t feel like changing their diet is a sacrifice, it’s just a part of taking care of themselves.
Because it’s about how they view themselves, not how they want the rest of the world to view them.
Please understand, I’ve got nothing against making resolutions. I think it’s a great thing if, and only if, it’s actually rooted in the fundamental reality that you are enough, and that you want to experience life differently. Because at that point it’s not about some great problem that you’re trying to solve, it’s about an experience or even in existence that you’re going after.
If you’re running from not feeling like you’re enough, you’re going to get tired and stop. If you’re chasing something more because you feel like you deserve it, you’ll keep going until you get what you want.
And I get it sounds like this is a real semantics discussion, but it’s really not. The harder you grasp onto something, the more intense it seems, and the greater emotional energy is required to maintain that. When you can get to a point where you honestly realize that you’re going to be okay whether or not you “achieve your resolution” is the moment that the resolution becomes lighter and easier to accomplish.
When you want it, but don’t need it, is where desire trumps desperation, and your real power begins.
I know there’s at least one person reading this right now is saying to themselves “but what if I don’t feel worthy, and getting/doing/being/achieving whatever is the only way I’m going to feel worthy” I will tell you that even when you get there, it’s not going to change how you feel.
Your worthiness is NOT based on how you look, how you act, the size of house you live in or the money you spent on the car that you drive.
You are a human consciousness. One of the rarest, most complex and most divine entities in the entire known universe. If you need more adornment than that, something else to make you worthy, then what you actually need is to sit down and have a good conversation with yourself. Because you’re holding onto some rules about reality that are set up to make you fail.
You were enough the moment you were born.
So this weekend, as the calendar rolls over and 2022 becomes what was, just realize that 2023 doesn’t have to be some miraculous year of change. You’re already enough, this is just about fine-tuning your experience of being human. When you can fully realize that you don’t have to make “massive changes”, you can begin to realize that everything you want to change is realistically just a small step in a different direction.
It isn’t necessary to make you enough, it’s just going to change how you experience being you.
So stop running from desperation, and start embracing desire. It’ll give you a lot more energy, and it’ll make the journey a lot more fun. Whatever changes you are planning on making, make sure they are about honoring who you are, not some messed up idea about who you’re not.
Because honoring yourself is the pathway to a powerful experience.
The experience of being you.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings