I call it a space, but honestly, that’s probably not the best way to describe it. Sometimes it can be a tiny crack, and sometimes we’re talking Grand Canyon levels of problems. It can be the resting home of the best you had to offer, and the graveyard of all you dared to hope. But when you finally realize that you can’t control it anymore than you can control yourself, you’ll start to really learn the lesson.
That the space between intention and experience is never going to be the way you want it.
I have an elderly patient who grew up with 6 siblings. If you were to sit them down and have them write out what they felt like their upbringing was like… the answers will divide into two different camps. One will detail something that sounds amazing, the other not so much. The 4-3 split will tell you that the experiences were similar enough within those camps to have some validity, but the experiences themselves will be almost diametrically opposed.
Yet the intention of their parents was the same in each occasion.
‘So you’re telling me that I can’t guarantee that what I intend will happen’ I hear you cry, and even as you ask me the question, I have a pretty good idea that you already know the answer. Sure, you can use your best intentions combined with all your resources and influence, and still end up with someone having an experience that does not match up to what you intended.
Because even if you control the experience, you cannot control the meaning that they take from it.
One of the principles that I teach is to try to have yourself squared away enough that you have the minimal amount of need possible in any situation. It sounds difficult, and believe me it can be, but life has proven time and time again that the person who needs the least from any circumstance is the person who can walk away when necessary, or allow the situation to evolve organically if they choose to stay.
And that is especially important when allowing someone the space to have their own experience that is counter to what you intended.
To give you an example of this, let me share with you something that I expect to happen. If you ask either of my kids right now, they will both tell you that I am an amazing dad, and that they had a wonderful childhood. While I am grateful to hear that, I also recognize that they have limited experience, and have not yet seen all the things in their lives that I could have done better.
And one day, I expect them to tell me what those could have been.
Which will lead to me to a choice, yet it’s one that I have already made. Because in that day, when they express to me a realization that I could have been better, my answer will be a resounding ‘Yes, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t’. No argument, no equivocation. Whether or not I completely agree with them, I will not demean their experience, and will allow them to tell me what they think.
And in that agreement space, we will likely discuss the truth of it together, and probably find a meaning that we are both comfortable with.
Because even with the best of intentions, we cannot and should not control the meaning that someone else takes from any experience they have. If you remember nothing else from today’s post, remember this… their experience of any event gets combined with the meaning they assign to it, and their choice of meaning is beyond your control, and always should be.
The less you need from any encounter, the more space you are able to give everyone to have their own experience and assign their own meanings.
In fact, I can think of nothing more respectful to another human being than to allow them the space to experience life as they choose to. The less judgment (which comes from unfulfilled need) you carry into any situation, the greater space you give them, and the more people will come to you and be willing to listen to your opinion.
And when they listen to you, you can help them find their own questions for their own journey.
If this all sounds difficult, believe me, I understand. On Friday I’m going to share with you a recent experience that hopefully will put this into a little better perspective, and let you see how being able to hold space for someone’s experience can serve both you and them in ways that nothing else can.
Until then, may you continue to find peace and balance in your life.
Today, and always.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings