There’s this thing I need to do. If I don’t, I’ll regret it more than I can imagine. The people who know me can’t understand why I’m not doing it already. It’s a combination of something I’m good at, something the world needs, something I love to do, and something I can be paid for.
In Japan, they call this concept ‘Ikigai’, and when you find the intersection of those four things, they say you’ve found the thing that’s going to make you happy.
Sounds good right?
And honestly, I want to do it. I’ve done it before at a much smaller level, and when I’m doing it, it’s like finding the river of purpose, and surfing it just hard as I can. It makes me feel like I've won the lottery of life, and it helps people, it helps them a lot. It opens up a gift inside of me, and using that gift brings me more joy and happiness than almost anything else in the world.
It makes no sense as to why I’m not doing it.
So I've thought long and hard about why I’m not doing it, and to tell you the truth, it comes down to one simple word; one human concept that you can probably identify with, and may have experienced from time to time.
Fear. Nothing more complicated than that.
Because doing this thing would force me out of my comfort zone – by a long way. Not that it would require me to do things that are uncomfortable – far from it. Almost everything it would require is something that I can do relatively easily, and most of the time something that I honestly really enjoy. But there’s one concept that it would need that I don’t feel comfortable with at all…
I know I have the ability, but I don’t know if I have the right.
Which sounds really crazy to me, even though I’m the one thinking it. Because in reality there’s no one who can give me “that right” and nobody can stop me from doing this thing. Yet I struggle so hard with the idea that I am the kind of person who should do it, and yet when I think about my motives, the way I can do it, and have done it, and the way I honestly care about people, there’s no reason as to why I shouldn’t.
But the fear is still there.
And there are some times when it’s almost paralyzing, and it’s taken me a long while to realize why it affects me so much. This next part might sound kind of crazy, so feel free to roll your eyeballs, but here goes.
I think part of the reason that I’m scared is because deep down, I feel like I was born to do it, and if I try and it doesn’t work out, there’s a part of me that’s afraid of what that will say about me.
And yes, I did just put up a piece two days ago that told you how you are enough just by being I do recognize the hypocrisy and the irony of that.
But I think part of the fear here comes from the concern for how I would question all of my instincts if I turned out to be wrong. After all, a lot of the time our unconscious instincts are the building blocks upon which we build our understanding of reality in the world, and if it turned out that I was merely letting my desires and hopes influence my opinions… that would be kind of hard for me to live with.
Am I crazy, or do you ever struggle with things like this?
I listened to a podcast recently where a guy who I’ve come to respect quite a lot was having a very deep conversation with a good friend of his. The friend was trying to work out why he hadn’t done a certain thing yet, and the guy who I respect told his friend something that really resonated with me. The quote was small, but the ramifications were profound.
“You just haven’t decided to step into your destiny yet”.
As I sit here just after midnight on Friday morning, staring at the screen with my fingers on the keyboard, I find myself questioning if this really is my destiny, or if “my ego is writing checks that my skill set can’t cash” I question if I have the right to do this, and yet I can’t think of good reason why shouldn’t.
Have you ever faced a moment like this, and if so how did you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing this crazy journey with me.
It means so much to me that you are reading and listening.
May you find peace today and always.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings