And We’re Back
For someone who used to write 5 days a week for almost 2 years, the last month and a half of not writing and posting on this page has been difficult, but necessary. About three months ago I engaged the services of a mindset coach I’ve been following for a couple of years.
She’s an incredible teacher, but the waters we’ve been navigating together have taken me deep into some of the darker places of my soul, and I didn’t want to write while I was feeling that way.
It’s not that I don’t want to share, but I needed to make sure that what I am sharing is in the spirit of this work, and in facing some of my deeper fears, I haven’t felt particularly kind, or compassionate.
She would tell me that it’s ok, and that the people who read this work are not the kind of people who would judge me for it. She would probably also tell me that sharing what really hurts can be of value to me, and to others at the same time.
She’d probably also tell me that not writing over the last couple of months has been a way to escape facing what I’ve felt.
And honestly, she’d probably be right.
But she’s also been teaching me a principle that until recently I have truly sucked at, and that’s choosing when to prioritize self care over what I feel like I owe to the world.
One of the similarities of people who grew up in less than desirable circumstances is that they often struggle to find balance, and have an even worse time establishing boundaries, and that they often feel like they have to make amends for who they are.
Mea culpa – very guilty as charged.
And so while I struggle with the feeling that I am not doing enough, and that I am never being enough, I’m trying to understand that sometimes I need to just stop listening to all the narratives in my head.
Instead, I might try to find a point of stillness so that I can take the time and the space to continue healing the deeper parts of me that were fractured , and which have continued to plague me for longer than I can remember. (Although she would also tell me that I am enough as I am, and that nothing needs to be 'healed')
Because it’s easier to move forward when standing on ground that isn’t shifting underneath you.
Over the last 3 months, I’ve begun to experience the change of standing on a different foundation. It’s strange to not have this continual cacophony of criticism coming from deep within me.
I’ve even had times where I’ve found myself with nothing immediate to be done, and noticed how unusual that feels, and how unaccustomed I’ve become with the concept of doing something just because it’s fun.
Which funnily enough is one of the things my coach has been teaching me to focus on – what looks like fun, what can you do right now that you have no negative feelings or issues around.
And most of all, she’s been reminding me that there are times when the greatest thing I can do for myself is to do absolutely nothing, and just sit with my feelings. Observing them, and allowing them to pass through me, so that I might understand that they are just feelings, and are usually a result of something deep in my soul that I can let go of anytime I want to.
Which is probably the hardest thing to hear, because I have taught that particular truth to people myself
I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have worked with my coach over the last few months, and I’m sorry that it’s taken me away from this work for a while, but I felt like it was necessary for me to become the next iteration of me; to grow into someone who can serve you better, and share from an even greater depth of knowledge and compassion.
So yeah, I'm thinking I’m back. A little older, a little wiser, and hopefully able to share with you things that will help you in your life to find peace, balance, happiness and wisdom.
Because I truly believe that the only way to heal this world, and to change and uplift the nature of the human experience, is to change within ourselves, so that we can serve and help others from a place without judgment, and without need.
In my experience, the people who are truly happy within themselves are the ones who bring a higher level of peace to the world.
So this is me, returning to help you in whatever way I can, so that together we can help and heal those around us.
And hopefully change a little bit of what it means to be human.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings