Just Start Talking.
The thing that sets us apart from every other species, our ability to communicate, is often one of the first casualties in a conflict.
Whether due to misunderstanding, or a painful truth learned at a difficult time in life, it’s unfortunately very natural to withdraw and pull away from people when we feel like we’ve been hurt, or that we have somehow inadvertently hurt others.
And not talking is the very worst thing you can do.
Because pulling away, or not talking, creates a vacuum that breeds misinterpretation, misinformation, mistrust and sometimes misery. I can’t tell you the number of times I have worked with people to try to get them to discuss a painful subject with another for whom they care deeply.
Very often they know they need to have the conversation, but they are afraid of the truths they will discover, the pain they will feel and most frequently, terribly afraid of being misunderstood and creating further heartache and pain.
Yet by not talking, they are only postponing the problem and allowing it to grow.
Sometimes we delay those discussions because we honestly don’t know how we feel, or we don’t trust ourselves to be able to clearly communicate what it is we want to say, or trust ourselves to respond in a kind and generous manner to the other person.
One of the hardest skills I still struggle to learn is being able to create a safe environment for somebody to be honest with me without emotionally reacting and making it difficult for them to explain their truths to me.
Experience in coaching has taught me that I am not alone in this.
Many times I have been privileged to be present in a communication between two people whose miscommunications and very different life experiences have led them to a misunderstanding that threatens their relationship.
It is a very humbling thrill to assist people in breaking through their barriers and finding common ground, common truth and of renewal of affection. It’s all possible, it just takes time, patience, kindness and a desire to connect.
If you find yourself not talking to people with whom you wish a greater intimacy, a closer bond or a deeper relationship, then I would challenge you to ask yourself what it is that you are really afraid of? In my experience, rarely are the truths discovered in conversation worse than those present only in our imagination.
So please, start talking.
Talk to your friends, talk to your family and talk to those with whom you desire a greater understanding. Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood, and ask open-ended questions that foster compassionate conversations, rather than judgmental edicts that drive others away.
In the end, the quality of our relationships is directly proportional to the depth and duration of our conversations.
So start asking questions, and see where it leads you. :-)
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings