Healing: Open
As I’ve moved into this new phase of my life, trying to go as deep as I can to heal the wounds from my past, I’ve come to the realization that part of the acceptance of healing is to allow yourself to be more open with the people around you.
Not that you have to suddenly start telling your life story to strangers, but that you will deepen your relationships with the significant people in your life if you share the truth of how you are really feeling.
Which isn’t something that comes naturally or easily to me.
Growing up in a home where chaos was a constant, and certainty was in short supply, you get really good at hiding how you feel.
Because somewhere in your early growing years, you come to the realization that not everyone understands or experiences these feelings, and the last thing you want to do as a kid is stand out for being different, because as you know, children aren’t necessarily the most understanding.
So you learn to blend in by lying about who you are, and how you feel.
And like any skill, if you do it long enough, you get really good at it. The more you hide away, the further away from others you feel, even though you’re in the same room, the same family, the same lives.
If you practice this long enough, you even start becoming a stranger to yourself, lost in a sea of suppression, shutting out the feelings, becoming numb, nobody, no-one.
But eventually it catches up with you.
Because we need those real, honest and deep human relationships to allow us to buffer the cruel reality of the world in which we live, and honesty is the key to authenticity and depth in a relationship.
Being truthful about how we feel, rather than acting like everything is ok, is one of the ways you make those bonds stronger, although it feels so foreign, so alien and so unnatural to me.
Opening up is hard, because you fear the reactions of those to whom you lay yourself bare.
Which isn’t a reflection on them – far from it. But the lessons you learn as a child, and carry with you as an adult, are really hard to overcome. In a home where you don’t feel safe to share how you really feel, for fear of the repercussions, you just keep it all inside.
But if home is the place where you’re supposed to be able to be yourself without fear yet you can’t, and you don’t show the world outside because of the ridicule you expect….
You never get a chance to be yourself anywhere.
So now I’m trying to learn how to open up and share the truth of how I feel. Not that I exactly lied previously, but I would have shaded my answers, avoiding extremes to avoid attention. I’m struggling to open up about fears, dreams, doubts and failings.
Thankfully, Holly is patient, and understanding, and is probably well on her way to a degree in dysfunctional psychology. She’s even started using some of my coaching techniques on me…
And you can imagine just how much I’m enjoying that :)
But I’m finding that the more open I am with her, the more authentic and honest our relationship feels, which is amazing given that we are pretty close to each other anyway.
I think it’s been eye opening to her, and yet has clicked some puzzle pieces into place so that she understands me emotionally in a way where previously she could understand logically, but had no emotional frame of reference.
She has held me when I’ve need it, listened when I’ve talked and covered me in compassion. I don’t deserve her, but here she is, and I’m so grateful for her.
So today, I invite you to try to find a deeper connection with the important people in your life by being truly honest about how you feel. The harder it is to share the real you, the more worthwhile you’ll find the process.
Because the deeper your foundations of friendship and love, the greater the peace and happiness you’ll find.
Which is what we’re all here for in the end.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings