Healing: Acceptance
As I try to take my first faltering steps on this new pathway, I’m realizing that there are many things that I need to change about the way I live. Which, if you could see what feels like a train wreck of a life, is probably a good thing.
There are so many fundamental things misaligned in my soul that need to be corrected that ‘change’ should really be my best friend right now.
But when you come from a place of chaos, change is usually last thing you want to happen.
Because for me, in my emotional linkages, change usually heralds in chaos, which is then closely followed by pain. Change for me represents something uncertain, which I immediately think is going to end up in something bad or negative, because as a child that was usually the case.
So I fight against change way more than I should. But there’s one thing I’ve fought even harder.
The acceptance that there are things wrong with me, and that I need to be honest about that.
Because it’s one thing to understand logically that you have areas of your soul that aren’t fully formed or working properly, but it’s another thing entirely to actually accept and be open about it.
Coming from the background that I did, I’ve tried for so long to fight against the reality of the scars that it left upon me, trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was ok.
When in reality, I wasn’t and I’m not.
Which is really hard to admit. We live in a world that is so obsessed with perfection as a way to find worthiness (significance) that we have a hard time admitting to ourselves that sometimes it’s the very people who have walked in the dark who can become the strongest carriers of the light.
If I have any skill in working with people, it’s because I’ve experienced things that allow me to see them without judgment, without condemnation, and without disdain or disrespect.
And yet it’s the acceptance which I give freely unto others that I struggle to apply to myself.
But I realize I am not alone in that. I have people in my life who are wonderful people, yet they only see themselves as flawed. They struggle with their sense of worth as well, because we as a society do a terrible job of being open about our struggles.
From our social media highlight reel to our movies and television, we lie, distort and deceive, portraying perfection as the pinnacle, and failure as the fall.
Making it hard for people to accept themselves, and be open enough to accept the love and friendship of others.
Because when we are not open about our failings, and instead hide them deep inside of us, we remove ourselves from being able to be sure that we are loved.
If we hide our flaws deep within, we become convinced that people only love us for that which they see, and that they would not love us if we only revealed the truth of who we are.
We believe their love is conditional, when it may not be.
So as I work through this new journey deeper into my soul, I find that I need to be honest about who I am, and the struggles and fears that I face.
If I have been able to do any good in this work so far, I think it has come from being able to help people realize that we are all imperfect, we all struggle, we all fall, and sometimes we all need help.
And when you find someone who is ready to be honest about that, it helps us be a little more accepting of ourselves.
So I’m trying to be more honest about the way that I think and feel, knowing that it’s not always going to be pretty, or feel good. But I’m hoping in the honesty that I can be not only a light unto others, but a beacon unto myself.
So that I can finally accept all that is inside of me, and make progress on my journey towards making myself better, and finding peace.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings