Why Did I Even Ask the Question?
Looking back, it’s not like I didn’t know the answer. As we sat in the hotel room on our anniversary get away, we were going over some of our goals for the year. We try to do this every year, and it’s been helpful to make sure we’re on the same page about things.
It’s kind of understood that during these sessions nothing is off the table for discussion, knowing that we have space and quiet to explore whatever comes up.
So I felt the question was worth asking, to see if she could see something I didn’t.
“What is the biggest thing the I struggle with, that I need to overcome”? I asked, realizing that there are several different candidates for the top answer.
My creative ADD brain makes staying on task difficult, so follow through can be a nightmare. Attention to detail is another possibility, because if it’s not something I’m passionate about, I need someone to keep my feet to the fire in order to make sure I’m doing it exactly right, and not losing it in the specifics.
But my wife, being the wonderful woman that she is, went straight to the heart of the matter.
“You get paralyzed by fear” she said, “and you talk yourself out of things before you start”. Then she just calmly, lovingly, looked at me. She wasn’t being judgmental, or saying it to make me feel bad. She was just honestly answering my question, full of belief that I would respect her answer, and not react to it childishly.
Thankfully, I was able to do that, although I’ll admit that I had a hard time looking her in the eyes for a minute or so afterwards.
I had nothing to say to refute her, because her answer was correct. When you combine a creative mind with a difficult childhood, things like anxiety and avoidant behavior are a pretty common outcome.
A book I’ve been reading recently explains how the brains and bodies of people who experience traumatic situations, (especially kids), wire themselves differently to be more alert to problems, and avoid them whenever possible.
Which explains a lot about me.
Because there are things in my life that I could have done, but haven’t yet because my brain focuses more on the potential problems than possible success outcomes, and I get caught up in that paradigm, seeing only the bad, and not believing the good.
My brain that is wired to see trouble often manages to convince me that I will fail, and that it’s better not to start something.
So I miss a lot of opportunities that I could have taken but didn’t.
I recently discovered that a friend who I did a 1 hour coaching intensive with wanted to hire me as her coach, because in a one hour session I helped her as much as being at a retreat for a week.
She didn’t see anywhere on my website where I offered long term coaching programs (because I don’t advertise it), so she found a different coach to work with, and almost felt like I was rejecting her by not giving her the opportunity to work with me (she’s awesome, it wasn’t her fault).
When the truth is, I don’t advertise what I do, out of a fear that I would let people down, which is kind of sad because I honestly love helping people, and from what they tell me I’m pretty good at it.
So as my wife sat there, telling me the truth, I could feel the kindness in her answer. My inability to push through and be all that I could be has affected her and our children, and yet she has never once made an unkind comment, or blamed me for the things that I have not done.
For some reason, in the 23 years of marriage we were celebrating, she has been able to focus on the good parts of my personality, and not on the ones that cause her grief.
And that’s what this reflection is really about.
Both of us could have spent those 23 years looking at each other’s faults, because we both have them. We could have spent that time arguing, fighting, and tearing each other down, instead of building each other up.
Her patience with me, and mine with her, have given us a relationship that allows us to trust each other to be kind, and most of all to be honest with each other.
Even when that truth may be hard to hear.
So today, I invite you to try to find the balance in your relationships to focus on the good, and to try to let go of the bad.
I know that can be hard, and not every relationship is going to work out, but I truly believe that if you spend your time looking at all that is good in your relationship, at some point you’ll have the emotional space to ask the truly difficult questions.
And then have someone to help you work on the answers you receive.
— Dr. Alan Barnes
@maddrbmusings